AIBU to want to mind my grandson in my own home when his mum goes to work?

X posted ( think that’s the term?). Anyway great it’s something she wants, but I’d still wait a while and do it her way first before trying to change your arrangement.

Thank you for your reply ? Yes I’m ok with stairs getting up and down but I see why you said that. He just wants to go upstairs all the time and as it’s not my home I feel uncomfortable being in either here’s of her mums bedrooms with him wanting to root in drawers and wardrobes etc. I do have him at his house a couple of nights a week I drive up after work and take him out for a walk or just play in the house, bathe him etc before I leave and I’ve had him there quite a lot in the past too. I’ve never pushed for him to come here all the time but him being here on a Sunday and him knowing where everything is now and enjoying being here as you say is special.

Maybe she hasn’t answered because she is busy, with friends, has a flat battery, or something else.

If she does say no then ask if there is anything at your house that she would like changed.

GrandmaJosey, to me, it doesn't sound much like 'helping her out' - it's all about what you want, what you'd prefer. At 15 months, he really doesn't need his little sleep routine disrupted - or to be in a different home. If you want to look after him, it's his mother's wishes you should follow. Just drive there and help out at her house.

No I don't think you're being unreasonable GrandmaJosey and also think that the best thing you can do for now is to go along with your d.i.l.'s wishes.

Maybe there could some discussion of anything(s) she may like you to have or not have, in your own home that would make her feel more comfortable.

I don't think you've said how old he is, apologies if I've missed that but I was thinking that you are providing what amounts to free child care and if he was going to a childminder or day nursery, he wouldn't be looked after in his own home.

I'm sure given time you'll be able to have it your's.

When mine were very young I mostly went to them When they got a bit older they came to me or me to them
But as your daughter in law is maybe trying to get him into a routine it’s far better to go along with that I wouldn’t have dreamed of challenging arrangements just went along with what was asked of me I m sure when he’s a bit older he ll come to yours as well

You say you have a great relationship with your daughter in law, don’t spoil it

sorry that should have read 'I'm sure given time you'll be able to have him at yours'.

YABU, not perhaps at asking the question but for being at all aggrieved at the reply to the negative.
It’s such a shame you didn’t include it being in your home with the initial request as it is now much more awkward for her and even though you probably weren’t being, it is the way a manipulative person corners people, get an easy gateway yes, then tack on what you really want.

Does your GS sleep through consistently? If not your son and DIL may well place a lot of importance on nap routines. Toddlers and puppies are horrendous when it goes awry.

Finally their house is familiar to them and their boy, it will have been recently toddler proofed and they feel more confident of his well-being in that environment. At 15 months they are almost certainly right. You have years ahead of you of grandma’s being a special place to be so don’t be impatient for it and get on your high horse now when your DIL’s preference is so reasonable.

Speaking as a Grandma of 7 GC from 4 different households I would say that it’s best at least to start doing things the way your DIL wants. Your GS may find that the familiarity of his own home is helpful when his mum isn’t there. He’s only young still and there will be opportunities for lots of different sceyin the future. I realised very quickly who was in charge when my first GC was born and I followed my DDs instructions and routine to the letter and this reassured her. I once overheard a phone conversation between my DIL and her sister about how hesitant she was to leave her child with me. I made sure to tell her that I would do everything her way and eventually she was fine. I too sometimes wanted to have the GC in my home but the naps were usually hard work and it worked so much better to be in theirs despite any disadvantages.

GrabdmaJosey, stick to your guns! I have taken care of GC one day a week for many years - always in my home , my territory! I would not have driven 20 minutes to their houses then 20 minutes home at 5.30 in heavy traffic!! You are perfectly entitled to insist on child care in your own home. I have always felt safer at home and in control! Don't feel guilty and good luck !

I always have my grandsons (elder is 5, younger 14 months) at my house, not theirs. I’m sure they prefer it - much bigger garden, different toys and books from home. I’m 20 minutes away from one and two hours away from the other.

I think it’s much easier for them to understand my slightly different rules when they’re at my house, eg we eat at the table, not on the sofa in front of the TV or perched up at a kitchen island with an iPad propped in front of them. Not stricter, just different.

Have you asked if there is a reason?

As a young mother I would never have left my children in my parents home, my father smoked, there were two flights of stairs and one was steep, my mother wouldn’t move ornaments or put dangerous items on a high shelf.

I can understand the daughter in law wanting her child at home so his routine isn't disrupted, but equally I am wondering about the cost of petrol, which has to be considered; she should pay for it.
Is she planning to do different jobs on the same day, and come home in between?

I can well understand parents not wanting child to be at GP s if there is a sound reason for that ie a heavy smoker in the house , but if all is well why not ? My AC would not have expected me to drive to theirs on cold , dark frosty mornings. Children adapt, can still have their naps - thank goodness! My GC love coming can't get out of the car fast enough to bake , paint , visit Grandma's park , help to put washing out and play in our large garden. They are so content to be here , my rules may be a bit different but they take that in their stride. I find it so much easier to be on home turf, if their parents are not happy with that then they can always pay an additional nursery fee!

Whether you're reasonable or not, she has blocked notifications from you on the phone. Surely that tells you how she is feeling about your communications?

There are lots of advantages for the child to caring for a young child in their own home. Your DIL is not being controlling with her child, she is parenting her way and doing what works for her. That's her right. Her turn to raise her child her way.

Who looks after your GC now, when your DIL is working?
Is this person paid (ie are you upsetting an arrangement that's already in place)?
How many hours does she work?
How many days?

I think some of these replies are unnecessarily harsh, you are not being unreasonable (I always preferred to look after the GCs at my house) but your DIL has made her wishes clear, so I'd go along with them for now as most people recommend.
However, as she is not contacting you, you are in a difficult place. Why nor try a text asking her if she still wants you to come round on ???day as usual - and accept her decision even if she says No Thankyou.
You DO see him, some of us are not given even that opportunity, I see my son's children on birthdays and at Christmas, my DIL does not let me see them in between and if I call round she gets their coats and says they are going out, when its obvious they're not.
If she tells you she no longer needs your help you will have to accept it, and leave things as they are for at least a month.
But it doesn't look as though you'll get your wish until he's much older.
Sad, because you could be such an assert for her, she's a silly girl to be so pedantic.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with her and your grandson. She is effectively single parenting if your son works away.

Also She can't be controlling about her own child, she's his primary parent. She is in control. She's his mom. If she's blocked notifications from you and isn't responding, take the hint. She doesn't want you having him at your home.

Either spend time with your grandson in his own home or not. Don't keep pushing when she's already said no.

YABU, not perhaps at asking the question but for being at all aggrieved at the reply to the negative.

That's it in a nutshell.

FarNorth

^YABU, not perhaps at asking the question but for being at all aggrieved at the reply to the negative.^

That's it in a nutshell.

I agree.

By asking you to watch him in his home and take him to his playgroups, it sounds like she's trying to keep her son in his routine.

I think some of you have failed to read the facts here. It must be the heat.

GrandmaJosey, I think its great that you have made this offer. I also think its clear that was was in your head is different to what your DIL had in hers, and that you both need to discuss the arrangements further until you are both happy.

This proposed arrangement from what I've read is intended to be only for a short few days over the summer. ie 1 day per week for a few weeks. There is therefore no need for others to chip in with cold dark frosty mornings, long term petrol costs , "territory" (!) and other less than helpful comments.

My overall concern would be around the potential disruption to the child as his current arrangements are changed then changed again at the end of the summer when you return to work. Some children seem to adapt very quickly to changes, others less so - we don't know, but his mother will no doubt be taking this into account which is why she will initially want you be to at their place with his familiar surroundings and some routines.

I'd suggest you try it for a week or two and see how it goes then sit down face to face and discuss any proposed changes and agree between you.

There is far too much reliance in general on texts for important decisions - face to face or at least telephone conversations are needed to reduce mis-communication like we can see here.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it seems you haven't discussed your ideas in full with your DIL, including choosing your day when the opportunity was offered to you, so shouldn't be blaming her at this point.

Speak with her ( not via text) and I'm sure you will be able to sort something out.

Some of the rest of you should read the whole of the facts and then look at your comments.

PoppyBlue

*She likes him to have a nap in the morning which is fair enough and sometimes I do struggle getting him to sleep as it’s a change of environment for him but the way I see it is it’s only one day and its not the end of the world if he doesn’t sleep dead on time? *

Yes because it then domino's throughout the days. If he doesn't nap, he's overtired, then who is left with an overtired, grumpy toddler when you've gone home? Your DIL.

Or he might fall asleep at about 4 o'clock and then not want to go to bed in the evening, especially as your DIL is on her own.

I did look after the DGC at our house because that was convenient for DS and DIL although sometimes I picked them up from playgroup and took them to their own house.

Trying to stop them nodding off after they dropped the day-time nap was the most stressful time!

I think whatever suits your DIL is the way to go.

i prefer to look after my grandson at his house, he is happier and more settled as he has all his things there, i would never go against his mums wishes, she knows what is best for him, as for the nap, if he does not go for a sleep then he will probably sleep later and then knock out the bedroom routine. your son works away so it is really up to mum to decide what is best for her little boy, probably the same as you did when you had your son.

I realise this is only a temporary arrangement, but because I looked after the DGC at my house (over a few years) I provided a cot for daytime naps (a kind neighbour loaned me a very good one but I had to buy a new mattress), toys, changing mat, high chair, all the paraphernalia babies and toddlers need.

It will be much easier to go to their house as it's not a long-term arrangement.

Have you ever invited your DiL over with your GC when she's not working? Made them both lunch and gone for a walk on the beach together? Maybe she thinks you're all about the GC and she doesn't want to risk too many changes to his life and routine in case it makes him difficult to handle.

Blinko

I would go with DiLs wishes for a while and build trust. He is very young and you'll have plenty of time to show him where you used to take his father when he's a little bit older. Take it steady, don't panic. All will work out.

Wise advice, kindly given!