AIBU to want to mind my grandson in my own home when his mum goes to work?

In your scenario, DiL would presumably have to drive him to yours , then to her work so she could be 40 minutes or more before she’d even started her job, or were you offering to pick him up and drive him home? It seems a lot of unnecessary driving. He is still very young and I agree with stick to his familiar routine .

Where does your 40 minutes or more before she'd even started her job come from?

GrandmaJosey said in her first post that her DIL works near to where she (GJ) lives, so she's probably doing the 20 minute drive to work anyway.

I personally think it best if the little boy's looked after at his home, as per his parents' wishes, but there would probably be less unnecessary driving if he was dropped off at grandma's.

Though the child would have to do the journey as well in that scenario.

It’s not just the drive though, it takes ages to get a baby / toddler out of the house in the early morning with all their essentials, the child would have to be in the car there and back as well , adding extra time / hassle to the parent and child’s day. Much easier to be in his own home. When he’s a bit older it may be more feasible for the OP to collect him.

True enough, transporting a toddler can be an absolute time-consuming nightmare. And there's always the danger of them falling asleep on the way home which can disrupt bedtime. So yes, I agree, that's another good reason for looking after him in his own home.

She’s the mum she holds the rules. Sorry but that’s how it is and I know this being the mother of sons.

Their baby, their rules. Agree to childmind at their home or risk nor being asked in the future.

The child is 15 months old and will not appreciate shopping centres or even play parks for that matter. Let him be in familiar surroundings, nap in his own cot and have all his toys around him

I don't think you were unreasonable to ask but I think now you should go to his home to look after him.
It's only maybe 6 days over the summer so after that if you start up again you can include your house in the discussion.
I really don't think it's a big deal and it saves the little one the car journeys too.

Have some lovely days at your son and daughter-in-law's home. I'm sure you will soon get used to it.

I have done nearly all my childminding in the child's home and it's always been easier in terms of routine and naps etc.

My opinion is you are not being unreasonable to want to look after your GC in your own home. I t would have been my preference.

If you are helping by providing child care and (saving them a lot of money besides,) you should be able to state a preference especially as your dil works close to your home.

Shelflife

GrabdmaJosey, stick to your guns! I have taken care of GC one day a week for many years - always in my home , my territory! I would not have driven 20 minutes to their houses then 20 minutes home at 5.30 in heavy traffic!! You are perfectly entitled to insist on child care in your own home. I have always felt safer at home and in control! Don't feel guilty and good luck !

This is a great way to start a pissing match.

She’s a great mum don’t get me wrong and we get on really well but she can be quite controlling with him.

She's his mother, she understands his needs best.
That is not controlling.

GrandmaJosey I understand totally where you are coming from because I am living a very similar scenario. When my DS and DIL announced the pregnancy early 2020 she had to drive very close to my house to get to her work so I offered to help after the maternity leave and assumed I would be having baby at my house. Then the pandemic started and of course when she went back to work it was from home.

So now I work myself from home 3/4 hours in the morning and at lunchtime I drive 25 miles, look after baby, now 22 months old, for 3 hours then drive home. I do this two days running each week and by the end of the second day I am exhausted.

However the major upside is that I commit myself totally to baby for that 3 hours and I love it. We build lego, read books, play hide and seek (in a very restricted way!) have toy car races.

You may find that you can build a better relationship with him in his house and his routines and I wish you all the best.

I agree Exdancer, some very harsh comments ! In this particular situation perhaps it might be wise to go along with DIL wishes - but not sure why !? For goodness sake children are not that ' fragile ' they manage change ! I repeat I would not be at my AC houses on a regular basis giving child care . A one off afternoon or evening babysitting is fine - no problem there ,but regular child care is on my terms !!!! and it has worked well for many years . Eldest GC now 19 and has fond memories of her Grandma days , youngest is 3. Of course I understand that parents wishes are important but so are the wishes of the care giver ! My GC are the offspring of daughters not sons so that may make a difference. My daughters have trusted me implicitly and we have sound relationships. I have always followed their wishes regarding food, naps etc and have respected those wishes. Each situation is unique I recognize that , but for me , regular child care is here !!

PollyDolly, ' Their baby their rules ' I accept in the majority of situations. However care givers also have rules, rules that are made to ensure the safety of the child and the GP. When my GC are with me in my home I feel confident in my ability to care for them , the children also know they at at GM they feel happy and secure. I am content and this makes the children content. If GM if fine out of her own home then that is great but I knew 19 years ago it was childcare here or AC would have to find free child care elsewhere!!! I simply was not prepared to drive in all weathers in heavy traffic ! Not to mention the cost of Petrol. Parents can't have it all , if my DD's want their children to have free quality loving care from me then they bring the children here and collect them . After all they arrive at 7 .30am , sometimes have breakfast here , then lunch , then tea , bath and pj's on . In-between we have great fun , visiting places , painting , craft work , baking . They are collected 5.30 pm . What's not to like? When they have been collected I am tired abd have to tidy up the paint etc. My DDs agree they are getting a good deal and I can argue with that !!!

When I was looking after GC regularly it worked well for me to go to their house. However every circumstances is different. As there seem to be tensions over this arrangement a chat to discuss perspectives might help rater than ultimatums and terms. I hope it can be sorted out for all of you

If I was you seeing as I got stuck driving a half hour each way in heavy traffic to be there before my daughter in law left for work I say lay the law down now as later it is much harder and causes all kinds of upset. I had the same situation with the phone I had texted to say I was too tired (I go everyday) and she refused to acknowledge she received it or respond. In the end I tried calling but it would not go through. In end I had to go...

"However care givers also have rules, rules that are made to ensure the safety of the child and the GP."

Yes, and if the caregivers rules are not liked by the parents, guess what happens?
No caregiving will happen

Problem solved then.

There's a big difference between regular care giving over months or years and looking after a child once a week for a few weeks. If you have a child only for a few days over a few weeks it's not worth changing a child's routine and buying all the equipment you would need in you own home. And possibly the mum would like to be certain that the care giver and child will be able to cope with the changes. Maybe the mum doesn't think the caregiver's house is set up suitably to keep her child safe. So many 'maybes' and assumptions that can only be answered by the mum.

I agree, AreWeThereYet, that's why I listed all the things we found necessary to make the DGC feel at home here when we cared for them just a couple of days a week before they started school. Luckily some favourite toys were hand-me-downs and some given by a neighbour whose children had outgrown them. TK Maxx was a good source of toys and books too.

Looking after a DGC on a very short-term basis would be better in his own home with familiar things around him.

Their child, their rules.

DiL would like the child to continue with groups he's been to surely continuation is good?
If it all works after a time, maybe then the child could come to you some of the time. You could pick the child up & have him collected by the parents.
That seems to be what happens with us, but I take their lead. It works well.

Agree with mandrake

I’m a mother to a toddler (I sometimes come here to gain perspective).

I have a somewhat similar arrangement with my MIL. She watches my son once a week for a few hours. I don’t necessarily need her to, but she has offered. I say yes because I appreciate her wanting to spend time with him and a little time to myself to do other things is nice, too. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement.

I won’t say you’re being unreasonable, but here is where your DIL may be coming from.

-toddlers have a much easier time with familiarity. My son naps better at home and most importantly sleeps better at night when he naps at home. Every time he naps or sleeps at my MIL’s I have a more difficult time getting him to bed at home afterwards. Sometimes, his sleep is thrown off for days after.
-packing up a toddler is a lot more stressful than an adult packing themself up. Even if grandma has some supplies on hand, I’m still going to pack his bags and end up walking in there if a bunch of stuff. Getting him to the car with all his stuff is a headache. A lot of the benefit for me is lost because packing and moving him, itself, is so stressful. Sometime I dread going anywhere (even to see friends) because the logistics of going out with a young toddler requires so much extra effort. Then we have to unpack him when we get home and figure out where everything is, put it back in place, etc.
-my home may be smaller than my MIL’s, but I know it’s childproofed to my child’s needs. My MIL’s home doesn’t have gates on her stairs, locks on the drawers, an unsecured china cabinet, furniture isn’t bolted to the walls, etc. I have a harder to being away from him when he is there because I’m worried about what he could get into. You
May think that’s overkill, but it’s natural for a mother to worry about her child’s safety.

I understand the preference to be in your own home and that you don’t like having to drive to her, but if you’re truly trying to help out, going to her is probably most helpful. Could you talk about splitting the arrangement? One week in your home, one week at their home?

As far as play groups go, that socialization is incredibly important (particularly since the pandemic). I wouldn’t want my child’s schedule disrupted in that way, either. That isn’t just for fun. It’s vital for their development.

@Shelflife

I think the key here is that the DIL didn’t ask for the childcare. I could see your point if this was a request by the parents. But when you offer to do childcare, you can either accept what the parents want or don’t and simply don’t provide the childcare.

Presumably DIL had other arrangements prior to gran offering. It’s not a situation where DIL didn’t have other options and asked her mother in law to mind the child. I wouldn’t offer a “favor” and then require certain stipulations. If OP has asked and DIL has declined to have the child mined in OP’s home, then it should be closed issue. OP should have been upfront about her desire. Instead, she had DIL agree and tried change the terms after the agreement. That is not reasonable at all.