Guest has come down with Covid...

Thank you, Farmor15. You and your friends sound like excellent guests from what you say. You were clearly aware of the fact that hosting isn't always easy and appreciative of the effort your hosts made.

I'll talk to him about paying it forward when he leaves. But I suspect he takes being looked after and cooked for etc very much for granted.

he takes it for granted because people have indulged him, his parents too probably.
utterly self-centred, entitled (but i want the best jumper), manipulative, exploitative.
why should i waste money while i can get other people to pay for everything.
what a charmer.

I don't think it's a conscious thing with him. I think he's the youngest child of a big family who's had a lot of attention and been helped out a lot. My guess is there's always been someone to give him a lift, sort him out, give him clothes and it's just normal life for him. There's a sort of slightly otherworldly, innocent-abroad thing going on with him.

Ah well Margot you are kind and understanding.
I am getting nervous as I'm expecting a new volunteer on Wednesday. He will be the first young man I have hosted since DH died almost 2 years ago..
We have been texting to and fro for weeks but I really have no idea what he is like.
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I am just recovering from covid .

He's asked if he can keep the two pairs of walking socks, the sweater and the thermal top he 'borrowed' from my partner. When I said the sweater was new but I'd see if we could find an old one for him he said 'Oh, but I really like this one.'

What a cheek as we would say in Melbourne he has more front that Myer (Myer being a huge and old department store)

Just been reading through all the thread.

Cannot help feeling the OP’s namesake would never have put up with all this!

You're right, CalendarGirl, the real MargotLedbetter would have put her foot down.

Having Covid has made it much, much worse. He's a guest, I want him to be warm and well-fed and ideally doing something every day to get him out of the house for a bit. Instead we're trapped here together. It can't be easy for him, I know.

He was coughing in the night and is still in bed this morning. I have urgent work to do. What a mess.

It’s absolutely normal, most are attached to their phones, they even photograph themselves on the phone as well as what they eat. It will soon pass, keep calm and carry on.

Yes tomorrow will come Margot and someone else can mother him.
You need mothering yourself.
In years to come you'll be able to dine out on this story. The guest from hell.
I hope he isn't disappearing with DP best sweater.

This morning we've managed a heart-to-heart after I heard him talking to his parents on the phone and saying he didn't know what to do and whether he should try to get work in London (he has a working visa).

Apparently he's been travelling all summer with two girls who have family in London, and they seem to have been offered long-term accommodation there by their families. He slept on a sofa at one of the houses for a week before he was asked to move on by the homeowners. So he came here, apparently thinking that he might be able to stay long-term with us — even though we'd agreed a week before he arrived.

I've pointed out that his chances of getting the kind of work he says he's looking for (no evidence of him actually making job applications) is zero where we live, and anyway he'd need his own transport. I've told him that there's a shortage of workers in London at the moment, so he should be able to get something to tide him over while he looks for a job in the field he trained in. I've told him he needs to be with other young people like himself: that that's the only way he can make a friendship circle and get the best out of London. He just looks at me like a big sad puppy. He asked me if there was anyone I knew in London who'd put him up for a month or two. I really wouldn't want to get anyone I call a friend involved in this.

I think Covid is really making my head and thinking a bit off. I mean surely even in New Zealand no one would expect to just come and stay with you for two months? He seems very lost. I don't know what to say or do. You just have to pull yourself together and move on, surely?

Oh dear. If he was 18 it might be more understandable but I think you said he's 23.

What he needs is a job with accommodation somewhere where there are other young people. Hotel work? The hospitality industry is desperate for staff.

Yes, that's the kind of thing I'm thinking about. He won't earn much, but it'll buy him time to land something better. He's worked for a couple of years in NZ in his chosen line of work so he has a decent CV. I'm guessing he'll just have two or three months doing something he's not wild about before he gets the break he needs.

I'm wondering about contacting his parents but I'm a bit nervous that they'll feel I've let him down by not allowing him to stay indefinitely. But letting him stay indefinitely wouldn't be doing him any favours. He's got to get some friends and get his life here launched, not sit around on my sofa.

Maybe you should tell his parents exactly the situation. His reaction about the sweater makes me wonder whether he is vulnerable. It sounds like a young child, hardly normal for a teen, let alone an adult. He doesn’t seem able to make decisions and asking whether you knew anyone in London who would put him up sounds desperate. Are you sure he’s not having an MH crisis?

I don't know. He seems quite calm and not visibly anxious. He was having a nice chat with his mum and dad — but then I was surprised to find he's been What's Apping them a couple of times a day... I'm of the generation where you went travelling and didn't contact your parents for weeks. Isn't that part of the point of travelling, that you learn to be independent?

It's as if he'd never really thought about the bit where he arrives in the UK and starts looking for work.

It doesn’t have to be London perhaps. Maybe he can find some work with accommodation somewhere smaller, even in the countryside. It’s a bad time of year for seasonal work. Independence doesn’t seem to be a priority for him. Very difficult for you and your partner.
I first realised in the 1980s that a lot of young people who claimed to be looking for A job weren’t. They were only looking for THE job with nothing boring or menial and everyone being nice to them. Life just isn’t like that.

Another conversation just now. I made tea and got the biscuits out and asked if there was something going on that perhaps I needed to know about. Turns out he hasn't booked a train ticket for tomorrow and apparently the hostel reservation which he showed me yesterday has been withdrawn because he didn't pay his deposit in the time allowed. So it looks as if he's not going tomorrow.

I asked him whether he's got money or whether we need to speak to his parents about bailing him out and he laughed and said he had savings from when he was working, but... There was a very long pause that I ended by saying 'You don't want to spend it on accommodation and food?' He nodded.

So at least I know now what's going on and where I stand.

Elrel

It doesn’t have to be London perhaps. Maybe he can find some work with accommodation somewhere smaller, even in the countryside. It’s a bad time of year for seasonal work. Independence doesn’t seem to be a priority for him. Very difficult for you and your partner.
I first realised in the 1980s that a lot of young people who claimed to be looking for A job weren’t. They were only looking for THE job with nothing boring or menial and everyone being nice to them. Life just isn’t like that.

Elrel I think the mantra was "You can be whatever you want to be"

Many children, when interviewed, wanted to be a pop star or a footballer no matter that they couldn't sing or weren't that talented at football.

I must say that my DC and friends' DC did all kinds of jobs when they went backpacking.
However, the one criterion was that they worked hard.
No-one wants to employer a slacker.

What did you say then?

His parents should be told, I'd say, rather than let him sponge off you indefinitely.

So at least I know now what's going on and where I stand.

And where does your partner stand? Still roughing it in the campervan?

Yes, he's in the camper van — though probably not roughing it too badly. He did think about going to stay with his sister who lives about an hour away but didn't want to risk passing it on to her.

I'm feeling such a fool for imagining that he might really have wanted to come and stay here to see us and our part of the world.

You're not having much luck, lately, MargotLedbetter, are you, with one thing and another

Oh dear. Given your latest update, I wondered if he really does have Covid, but since you have it it seems he probably does.
I hope he doesn’t want to move into the camper van.
Perhaps he should go home as he seems to have no motivation/drive. The fares will get very expensive closer to Christmas.
Some big hotel chains provide accommodation. I’m going to pm you.

I've been following this seemingly never-ending saga with an increasing sense of disbelief... ?

That aside, I recommend you sit him down at your laptop, talk him through buying a one way ticket home with his savings, then take him to the airport, make sure he checks in and his luggage goes through, point him towards security and wave him goodbye.

He's not your responsibility.

Really, really feeling for you. I so hope he gets a live in position and moves on as it’s a responsibility now that you don’t need. Kindness and support is one thing but a line does need drawing.

Oh my, I just read this thread. What a dilemma!

At least he is being honest with you at this point, but I think I would contact his family. He doesn't seem to be able to cope as an adult. You have done more than enough, and have been very kind.