Christmas present from Son

So glad to read your response, OP.

Conversation in our house two days ago.
DH: How did we sort your Christmas present?
Me: I have no idea how YOU sorted my Christmas present.

Yesterday, a parcel arrives via Amazon Prime.
DH: it is your present. Do you want it wrapping?

Cabbie21 🙄🤣

Goodness knows what I'd get if son bought my present. probably a bottle of something, just like yours.

Fortunately DiL buys them and chooses brilliantly usually online as they are very very busy.

I think it's as simple as a lot of men just don't have the right chip in the brain - or are used to a woman in their lives buying things and "hitting the right note". Probably they grew up seeing their mums taking care of presents, girlfriends take care of presents, and so on, so they've never bothered to think it through.

This opens an interesting question - do men care as much about whether the presents they get have been chosen with sensitivity and appropriate......

To be honest with you I buy all my own presents for myself from my husband in the summer, give them to him and he wraps them for Christmas by which time I've forgotten what I bought. Keeps us both happy. Some people are present givers and some aren't. Also, if your job is all consuming, it tends to take up most of your waking hours in the modern world with emails and mobile phone messages coming like 49 busses in some jobs. Enjoy the wine and raise a toast to him when you drink your first glass.

CraftyGranny,he did think of you first by ensuring that you had first choice.

Cabbie21. Mr.B is also a user of the royal ‘we’ in these sort of situations. Luckily he has many good qualities too.

Oh please don't feel hurt - a waste of energy and potentially destructive in many ways.

You get on well with him - that is all that matters.

I get a bit fed up with people having to pass "the present test" at Christmas. Too much, too little, not properly wrapped, same as someone else's, ..... and on it goes. He remembered you and you get along with him - sounds good to me.

He is who he is - he does present-giving his way - give him a hug when you see him and tell him how much you enjoyed the contents of the bottles.

Cabbie21

So glad to read your response, OP.

Conversation in our house two days ago.
DH: How did we sort your Christmas present?
Me: I have no idea how YOU sorted my Christmas present.

Yesterday, a parcel arrives via Amazon Prime.
DH: it is your present. Do you want it wrapping?

Oh - I recognise this one. I remember my late OH once saying something along the lines of "Your present is a problem - I don't know what to get you"

I told him: "It is not a problem it is a joy!" - with a smile.

I'd feel hurt too, specifically I'd resent the implication I was on a par with aunt.
Your resentment despite being totally understandable is not enough reason to harm your relationship with your son. You must pretend you love his arrangement.

Dh and I don’t do presents. Dds and gc are given a token amount in cash from us to buy or put towards something they want. Personally I don’t want/need anything thing. We’ve just replaced our TV which covers Christmas for each other.

Hurtful yes. Tell him. My Son was always good with presents. However, he's now estranged from me and I would be grateful if he was to just ring my doorbell.

Yes I think I would be hurt but he hasn’t missed you out he’s got you something. My two both don’t live near but have both being to visit one came before he flew on holiday and won’t be back until tues the other has being but I’m going up later in the week. Boys aren’t always good at buying things all i can say is it’s good job I’ve got two daughter inlaws lol but I’d not compare my two sons against each other’s gifts and if you like me when mine say what would you like for Christmas I always say nothing expensive save your money for the kids stuff.

I have to remind my husband to buy for his Mum and other family. He cares about them deeply but just seems to be crap at this

also, times are hard for people and if like me he has worked right up to yesterday there really hasn't been much time to shop (and I feel this was made worse by the snow)

We only get presents for the kids and by mutual agreement not for adults and we’ve done this for several years now. My husband always remembers my birthday and so do my children but we limit what we spend. I don’t need any more stuff now but I do like things like plants or if they shout a restaurant meal for me. I think many males just don’t get into the present thing, at least in our family.

I have 2 adult sons and one is very sweet and thoughtful with gifts while the other doesn't really do presents or cards.

It's just who they are as people it doesn't mean the love isn't there, just that one has a brain that doesn't plan or organise or remember as well as the other.

I tend to value time and I know if I ask either for anything they would be there

I don't expect presents from any of my four. If I get something from any of them I really appreciate it but as far as I'm concerned there is no need for presents at all.

I would be more hurt that he left your present for someone else to pass on to you?

Be thankful. If you don't like it then gift it to someone else.

I think people see the meaning of giving gifts differently - gifts mean something to you which they don't mean to your son. It can be painful when there is a difference like that - but once you see it, you can feel a whole lot better. The important thing is you have a good loving relationship with your son - not worth putting that at risk on the basis that he doesn't understand your hopes and wishes - he really doesn't see it as you do. I hope you will nonetheless have a very Happy Christmas!

I have three sons and good relationships with all of them. But they are all very different. Two visit one just visits once twice a year and lives down the road. Workload heavy. But I just accept it he had a heart problem this tear and seems to be a little more responsive with me a his dad. So 🤞he’s realising we won’t be here forever.

missdeke

I don't expect presents from any of my four. If I get something from any of them I really appreciate it but as far as I'm concerned there is no need for presents at all.

I'm same I'm only in fleeting touch with my darling eldest now and he's got me and DH a present I've been told, even though I've told him we don't need anything! I bunged some money in his bank for him but his other arf is off on her regular "ghosting " me for absolutely no reason(!?) Since June this year so she's not getting the time of day! He just shrugs when I ask him what I've supposed to have done? Mumbled about me it ignoring her texts!!!! When I showed evidence that opposite was true he just said he didn't want to be piggy in middle!!! Weak, anything for quiet life and infuriating but I adore him! But pressies? Wish we could sack the whole stupid habit and I'd rather give bit more to sally army!

Just be happy that he remembers to give you a present. Monetary value vis a vis your sister should not come into it.;

Your son gives you and your sister both the same present each year, not very carefully wrapped or with a special message to you. You are wondering what this says. You are asking yourself whether you mean the same to him as his aunt. That is not really possible whether you get on well or badly. A mother will always be unique. But you say you get on well. I tend to think it is a man present and does not have these meanings for him. It is not a symbol of his love or lack of love. He probably feels he has cracked the present schlep and is doing well by you both. You could complain and he might up his game. Last year my husband gave me all my presents, which I had ordered myself, in the wrappings they had come in through the post. This year he has asked me at the last minute if I have any Christmas paper he can wrap them in. But I have no doubt he loves me. Your husband was similar and it sounds as if he loved you. You must miss him. It sounds to me as if your son loves you and you have a loving family in general. You are lucky to have two other sons who are better than many men in this field. I wonder if their wives maybe help them. I was speaking with my friends and we were all saying the burden of Xmas falls on women. But also that we take it on ourselves when men don't really care about it all as much as we do. I wish you all a very merry Christmas.

Across many situations, it seems that individual differences ( and possibly gender differences) account for a large part of potential misunderstandings and hurt. We all tend to view the actions and words of others as though the motivations and emotions behind them are identical to what ours would be had we acted or spoken that way. In many situations, that is miles off the truth.
There is literature around the five ( sometimes seven) languages of love, describing how physical contact may be one person's main way of expressing love and their partner's may be gifts or words of affirmation. Initially aimed mainly at couples in a romantic relationship, it has relevance for other relationships as well.
Definitely celebrate the fact you do have a relationship with your son, even if his expression of it differs from the ways ( and emphases you might give to each)in which you might express your love for him.
It's not just a gender issue, but I know that can definitely be part of it.