Neighbour refuses to wish anyone HNY

Grief is a difficult and life changing thing. You are probably the least of her worries and she is probably just trying to live each day without collapsing in a heap.

I have a friend who lost her teenage son in a bike accident some years ago.
She signs her Christmas cards with his name.
I think that she started doing it when she was in the deepest depths of grief and carries on as a sort of tradition.
It’s fine of course.

I still wish people a Happy New Year, although it is hard, as New Year's Day is the anniversary of my only sister's death.

Thinking back, the year she died (2016) I most certainly did not wish anyone a happy New Year, even although I did sincerely hope theirs was more pleasant than mine that year!

A cousin mentioned in her Christmas letter that a near relation of hers (and mine) has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

I have just posted her a letter, in which I offered the little help I can give, living as we do over 1.000 km apart and ended my letter by saying that things being the way they are, I felt it would be crass to wish her a happy new year, but sincerely hope that this year will, all the same, bring them some joyful times.

Leave your poor neighbour to grieve in her own way and at her own pace.

‘Admitted she won’t say it’. Did she ‘admit’ in response to questions? If she simply told you, there’s no admission involved. Saying she admitted to something implies she was in the wrong.
Grief hits us all differently. I’ve had close friends and family die but nothing comes anywhere close to the tsunami of grief that’s knocked me over since my husband died recently. It’s opened my mind to the different ways we all manage overwhelming grief
Your neighbour-her choices

You are doing so well Iam x

Iam64, one day at a time xx

Given my greatest fear is being a widow, losing the one I love and adore, I don't believe people "come to terms" with their spouse death on a timetable, if ever. Perhaps consider that your neighbor is coping best she can?

Must say I’ve never understood that glib ‘coming to terms with it’ expression.
Exactly what is it supposed to mean?

A few years after my father died, my mother said that the grief never goes away, but ‘It gets further away, if you know what I mean’.
I think I know what she meant.

TBH the only time she ceased to grieve was IMO after her dementia had reached a certain stage. If I showed her a picture of my father she’d just say very vaguely, ‘Oh yes - did he die?’ - not upset at all.
I suppose there has to be the very occasional upside to dementia.🙁

Me too Norah

What I can’t understand about the op, is why people (‘neighbours and friends’) are still wishing her a HNY when she’s made it clear, a few years on, that she doesn’t like it?
There doesn’t seem to be much emotional intelligence or empathy going on here

(And it would upset me no end if I knew that someone started a thread like this about me)

Please respect her grief and just show her kindness if she asks for help or ever wishes to talk... grieving takes a long time...and if she wishes to remember her husband on her cards it is possibly all part of her grieving process...

Witzend A few years after my father died, my mother said that the grief never goes away, but ‘It gets further away, if you know what I mean’.

I think I know what she meant.

TBH the only time she ceased to grieve was IMO after her dementia had reached a certain stage. If I showed her a picture of my father she’d just say very vaguely, ‘Oh yes - did he die?’ - not upset at all. I suppose there has to be the very occasional upside to dementia🙁

Dementia, is, to me as God's Grace in the lives of some widows. Mum was much happier with only vague memories of dad. A blessing.

i doubt the query comes from a real situation.
seems deliberately goady to me.

I hate christmas and new year because my grandmother died in December 1979. I decided there was nothing for me to celebrate that year and just spent it on my own. After that I have never really celebrated it and have gone to great lengths to avoid large family gatherings.

I dont begrudge others the opportunity to celbrate as they wish so long as they dont draw me in. People are entitled to apend their time and money as they wish. When you stand outside the system you see how false and commercialised it all is. I know that many people envy me being able to opt out.

That doesnt mean I dont wish people happy holidays and happy new year. Its only a greeting.

welbeck

i doubt the query comes from a real situation.
seems deliberately goady to me.

sadly I think you may be correct

Same here

Welbeck - I suspect you’re right. I wasted emotional energy with my comment. The upside is gransnet has people like Fanny and janej who notice others so thank you

Live and let live i say....I mean shes not doing anyone any harm is she?

Let her be, it's her life, her loss, let her grieve however she wants to. Her grief and how she deals with it her business, not yours.

I wasn't aware it was mandatory to wish anybody a happy new year. Irrelevant of the circumstances

I think her explanation is perfectly reasonable and understandable.

Well that’s upto her surly ..I would hate to live near you!
Poor woman, she’s grieving her husband!
Time you grew up …

My sister doesn't say it and it doesn't bother me at all. It's up to each individual how they feel about another new year ahead of them. I said it to a guy I know who replied " New Year, same c**p!

1Summer & Maw I agree with you absolutely. I lost my DH 7 mths ago and Christmas, NY and what wd have been our wedding anniversary all came at once and I found it so very difficult. People have wished me Happy NY and although they mean well I just think how can I possibly have a happy year ahead although I do return the greeting. I did even think about putting DH's name on the card to my DS but thought it would upset him too much. I imagine grief runs a different course for everybody, allow your neighbour to do whatever she feels content with.

Omg I hope no-one is so judgy of you when you lose your life partner. Yes I have lost my husband 5 years ago unexpectedly.

I've had bereavement counselling so I know to well that it is OK to feel how I feel. Thank goodness my family and friends aren't like you.

Grief is not a one time event you get over. How long will I love my husband? All my life. That is how long I will grieve. That doesn't mean I'm weeping and wailing all the time either.

How the heck does it affect you that she doesn't say HNY? Not at all. What the heck is wrong with her putting her husband name on the card. I still do it with brackets of "always with us"

Your problem is covertly your petrified of when it happens to you and you want to pretend it hasn't happened, not acknowledge it etc. It happens to us all eventually.

Death ended my husband life. It did not not end our marriage/relationship. Try reading the attached please.

You haven't a clue what she is going through and today thank god you haven't.

You don't come to terms with it. You learn to entwine it in your life. Love and grief have to learn to co exist.

Incidently for anyone struggling with loss these are who I used. It does not solve your problem.

It's a free non profit makkng service however donations always welcomed.

It helps you move forward with your loss. You don't move on. You learn how to move forward.

I'm being blunt because until you go their you have no idea. I can only think of any death worse and I'm not going to even write the words.

The loss of my mom 12 years ago was a walk in the park compared to losing my husband.il

I hope this helps you have some more understanding

Oh for anyone reading who has had the "when you meet someone else" line this is my response

Me: "Tell me, who you have lost close! Your mom isn't it? (Example)
Person: "Yes" looking puzzled"
Me: "So when are you going out to find a new mom then"
Person: looks horrified.
Me: "I rest my case," and walk off.

www.cruse.org.uk/

I can't believe she means nobody else can have a happy new year - or happy life. It's just too hard on her to express anything happiness-related right now. If she was my neighbour I would invite her after you have taken down the seasonal decoration etc. Say : now that the festivities are over maybe you would like to join me for a walk and a cup of tea? I think she might like that more than being forced to join in the HNY ambiance.