Neighbour refuses to wish anyone HNY

I lost my wonderful husband in June 2022, we had been together for almost 50 years. I was dreading Christmas and New year without him but my wonderful family have made it more bearable for me and my two grandchildren are a joy. I put both our names on their presents as I and they want to remember him and I take the view that it’s also his money I’m using too. I’m not bothered if people think this is strange, everyone deals with grief in their own way, it’s certainly a club you don’t want to belong to. I don’t know how long it will take me to have more happy days than sad ones but I’m just taking one day at a time. Wishing you all good health and happiness for 2023 x.

Grief is a strange thing. I lost my mother, my father, my brother and my 25 year old son within the space of two years (my son died whilst in the military). DH and I decided then that we did not want to celebrate Christmas again as the whole meaning of our life (our son) was not there. We did this for 13 years. This year, we decided that the time was right and had 11 people around, including 6 of our god children (children of my son's friends). It was absolutely chaotic but lovely at the same time. Does it make me want to do it again next year - absolutely not . I am absolutely shattered . We are going to a lovely hotel in Cornwall for 4 days next time around.

What I am trying to say, rather awkwardly, is that I absolutely 100% know what this woman is going through. Yes, you do hang on to your loved ones when they are gone but everyone is different and however they want to get through various times of the year, then please let them do so. Someone gave me a card with the following message when we lost our son - it says (and I am not pointing this to anyone here and definitely not the OP

"Please stop expecting people who are grieving a significant loss to find the silver lining in something that has turned their world upside down. There is a time and place to search for rainbows, but the raw pain of grief isn't one of them"

Oh and I still do put my son's name on Christmas Cards (but in brackets) - I can't bring myself not to. He was a part of me and my husband and is still "my son"

My daughter died on the 24th November, and quite frankly I don't give 2 sodding hoots because I just cannot force myself to wish anymore a Happy New Year ... it's not that I wish them sorrow or bad health etc, I don't, it's just I haven't had a HNY for around 2 decades now and this year it's now even worse!

I am desperately sad, lonely, unwell, and frozen because I cannot afford to heat my space, and if it wasn't for my other daughter and my dogs, I would be joining her .... It's not my turn anymore and I have really had enough.

So what? Leave her alone. Her good wishes will not have an effect on your year. Why are you thinking that people must wish each other a happy feast / new year / birthday? Sentiments are not a switchboard. You are intimating her brain is addled, and that's not nice. Grief effects us all differently.

Iam64

‘Admitted she won’t say it’. Did she ‘admit’ in response to questions? If she simply told you, there’s no admission involved. Saying she admitted to something implies she was in the wrong.
Grief hits us all differently. I’ve had close friends and family die but nothing comes anywhere close to the tsunami of grief that’s knocked me over since my husband died recently. It’s opened my mind to the different ways we all manage overwhelming grief
Your neighbour-her choices

Please accept my condolences for your loss

Keffie those words resonate; thank you for posting them.

MadeInYorkshire I truly cannot imagine anything worse than to lose a child - it is life doing the wrong thing, at the wrong time. Words are never enough. My heart goes out to you. x

Another thank you to Keffie for those words

Made in Yorkshire ,so sorry to read what a tough place you’re in/. Sending best hopes that things ease a little 🙏🏽

TopSec, granto2, MadeInYorkshire

And really? Anyone suffering the death of a love.

Well at least you know now not to wish her a Happy New Year. When we reply and say Happy New Year back we are surely wishing the other person happiness in the year to come rather than saying we are happy ourselves so it is not unreasonable to infer that she doesn't want other people to be happy. But I imagine it is not so much that, than she wants everyone to recognise she is very unhappy. If her husband had died this year and other people knew this, I would say they were insensitive. But after three years, however unhappy she may remain, it is not always the time and place to draw everyone's attention to it. I have a friend who is dying this Xmas in heartbreaking circumstances but he has still managed to send an email wishing everyone else a happy Christmas.

Keffie12 A tragic gift indeed.

MadeInYorkshire

My daughter died on the 24th November, and quite frankly I don't give 2 sodding hoots because I just cannot force myself to wish anymore a Happy New Year ... it's not that I wish them sorrow or bad health etc, I don't, it's just I haven't had a HNY for around 2 decades now and this year it's now even worse!

I am desperately sad, lonely, unwell, and frozen because I cannot afford to heat my space, and if it wasn't for my other daughter and my dogs, I would be joining her .... It's not my turn anymore and I have really had enough.

MadeInYorkshire .... thank you for being so honest, my heart goes out to you .... whilst I can heat my home and eat well, I'm lonely, sad and unwell too. I dread Christmas and New Year every year, without exception, a very unhappy and miserable time for me as a child, in marriage and now widowhood. No different this year thanks to aggressive, selfish AC. The greetings of Happy Christmas and Happy New Year sound so hollow and meaningless when said if it's the last thing you want to hear. I totally understand the OP's neighbour. Look after yourself.

Thank you ❤️

It's really unfeeling of you to wish her HNY tbh.

I'm another 2022 widow, 3 months ago after 57 years of true happiness (60 if you include from the day we met).He was 87 so it was in no way a tragedy but of course I miss him every minute of every day. However I have the comfort and support of family and friends including you people on GN and I hope I have found the strength to be a positive and cheerful presence for them in turn.
By the way I think I shall aways refer to the ACs as our son and our daughter.

We all grieve differently. I haven’t sent a Christmas card since my husband passed, can’t bear to write only my name.

It's sad to read of so many with heavy hearts, and loss. It is a struggle often to find words of comfort. When my Mother died, a Minister said that we should try to think about the whole span of her life, not just the difficult end, and to remember, once the initial shock had passed, that those who love you would never want you to be unhappy. Certainly not for ever. I hope my thoughts do not upset or offend as they are meant to comfort, and it seemed appropriate to share the words that helped me.

Grief comes in many forms and to much extent it is very personal.

No one can grieve for you and how you deal with is very personal to you.

Trying to help someone who is grieving is far from easy, for what could be one way of helping may be no help at all, for really no one can help, for to accept grieving is personal. To cope with grief takes time, if it is ever coped with.

Let her be. Brush it off. We all deal with this differently. If she wants to sign her Christmas cards from both her and her husband that’s perfectly fine. A very dear friend of ours did the same for years by putting “and not forgetting G” but we never thought it was strange. She stopped doing it in her own time. I signed my husband’s name on one quite automatically this year. He died in April. I pointed out to my GS that I had done it and said I would scrap it and write another. He said “Leave it Nan, it’s a nice thing to do. It makes it feel like he’s still here.” Out of the mouths of (teenage) babes….

My, relatively young, neighbour decided a couple of years ago not to ‘do Christmas’. She doesn’t wish anyone HC or send cards etc. Her husband does bits he can get away with. It suits them and doesn’t bother me so each to their own

At the age of 99, Christmas and New year is not a happy time for me. I lost the love of my life thirty years ago and I still grieve for him. It is like losing a part of one.
At my age I have outlived all of my friends the last two dying over the past few days.
I spent the days housebound and alone apart from my son and daughter in law and grandson visiting for one day (all my relatives live many miles away) and my help coming for her usual daily visit.
It is not a happy time for so many people all over the world. Thinking of those in Ukraine and all the refugees and those sick in hospital. Eight years ago I was in intensive care in hospital over Christmas.

Thankyou to all who posted on here especially the courageous ones who have shared their pain. My heart goes out to all of you and I hope against hope that being on GN helps you feel a tiny bit less alone. I don’t think any way of grieving is inappropriate even if it wouldn’t be my way …

Oh my goodness - have some empathy and understanding. Sad that this concerns you so much, given you know this bereaved neighbour’s circumstances.

Has the opening poster returned?

She's possibly suffering from depression , since her husband passed away. She might find it hard to look forward to each new year .Don't take it personally. It's not "possible" to cheer somebody out if depression .I hope she gets some help. Has she got family? Was she alone over Christmas ? It would help if people maybe invite her for a cup of tea ? The refusal to wish HNY, is a cry for help.