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Gender reveal/Baby shower

(62 Posts)
Youcantchoosethem Sat 28-Jan-23 09:13:49

Hi all - would appreciate some advice if possible please. DS and his girlfriend are expecting, which will be my third grandchild, and are hosting a gender reveal this Sunday.

I am really not into all this new fad, and very happy whatever sex the child is. I already have one grandchild of each, and just hope they are all healthy and happy.

I do support them in a lot of other ways, including financially, they have had a car loaned from me for the last nine months which was only supposed to be a short time, which they still have, and have had to bail them out a few times including last month with costs, so am a bit peeved I suppose that even hosting at home will have cost for food etc for their guests.

I have now had the emotional pressure from DS saying that all her family are coming and he wants me to be there as his family representation - he is estranged from his father.

So I said I would go, reluctantly, as it really isn’t my thing and I work all week long hours and with a cold this week am exhausted, and now panicking that I have no idea what I should take - are you expected to take something?

The child isn’t due until June! Help appreciated!

BlueBelle Sat 28-Jan-23 09:25:00

Oh I do wish you luck and sorry I m no use as I ve never been to one (thankfully) like you I think they are an unnecessary addition and why ???
However as your son obviously badly wants you there you must go
Do you have to take anything except yourself? I ve no idea I wouldn’t have thought so as the baby s not here yet
Maybe some flowers for your daughter in law otherwise go and enjoy or pretend to enjoy then get yourself home to rest before work
Good luck

rosie1959 Sat 28-Jan-23 09:56:51

I would go your son wants you there regardless of your feelings on these events. Absolutely no need to take anything except yourself.
You do seem more concerned that they are hosting this event and the costs involved maybe her parents have helped out.

eazybee Sat 28-Jan-23 10:04:25

Usually friends organise these events for the mother-to-be; my daughter has organised and hosted several, despite having no children of her own.
I would take some food/drink as you are concerned about catering costs.

Calendargirl Sat 28-Jan-23 10:08:57

I know I’m out of step nowadays, but a friend’s daughter had her first baby the other day. I bought a card saying ‘It’s a Boy’, but seeing as that has been common knowledge for months, seemed a bit pointless.

My friend said when she told me the sex ages ago, “Oh well, it makes it easier knowing how to decorate the nursery and what clothes to buy”.

Old fashioned I know, but when you know the sex, likely birthdate, weight etc all beforehand, not too much of a surprise really.

Glad I didn’t know the details back in the day.

As for gender reveal gatherings…..

NotSpaghetti Sat 28-Jan-23 10:19:28

I felt I had to go to a "baby shower" for my daughter-in-law. I really didn't want to as I loathe the idea of them. They seem so grasping and unnecessary... and I suppose I'm aware that not all pregnancies go to plan. I got through by laughing a lot about it (through gritted teeth) to my son and daughter-in-law and rolled eyes and said this once but never again. I just don't get the point. I was clear that I was doing it for my daughter-in-law.

They have 3 children now. For the second my daughter-in-law said "please don't feel obliged to come" so I haven't and no-one cared. It was apparently a tiny one compared to the first. By the 3rd baby she didn't even want one. She even sighed when she went to one recently as it was her gym evening!

I am my own person and feel we should be true to ourselves if we don't hurt others.
I also feel that celebrating is important so it's not that. I think we like celebrating people's commitment to each other at (say) a marriage ceremony. I think we should should be grateful after the birth of a baby and maybe a small celebration may be appropriate there - of course this used to be the christening.

To me, this gender reveal stuff and baby showers, is all "look at me" - and premature.

I would say to them you will go if they really want you there, that you love them but that you don't really see the point. It's not your kind of thing. I think you don't need to be there really but would check it out with your son's partner in particular first.
I think your son wants you there as her family are all up for it and making a big thing about it. He isn't really accepting that you are not them.
Maybe you could ask her directly if she minds if you go or not? I feel the sex of the baby is of no importance to me so maybe I'm a bit odd anyway. The important thing to me is that a baby is healthy and well and survives. I don't care whether babies are boys or girls. Maybe that's unusual but I don't really think so.

Your son probably just wants to "fit in" with her family. Your family is different. Just say so and they will come to accept it I think.
There is an assumption that you will just go along with what her family are doing.
If you wanted to celebrate by walking the 3 peaks would they come? grin
Just wondering!

Youcantchoosethem Sat 28-Jan-23 10:25:18

Thank you all. Flowers are a good idea. I really have no clue! I do need to go to show him my support.

I am concerned about their finances too for sure as I had to pay all their household bills last month to bail them out and I know it isn’t a lot for them to host something in the whole scheme of things but am wary that they are not taking care and are digging themselves in deeper and babies aren’t cheap… but that’s a whole other story.

Today I am just worried about the expectations of a gender reveal and really apprehensive about going.

Shelflife Sat 28-Jan-23 10:33:12

I would feel exactly like you . It seems unnecessary and self indulgent!! People have babies all the time , the child's gender is irrelevant - a healthy child is what matters.
However in your situation I would go, your son obviously wants you there. Go , smile, flowers are a nice idea and try and enjoy the ' celebration ' !!

Urmstongran Sat 28-Jan-23 10:33:16

Our youngest daughter went to one last Sunday. An ex-colleague who she likes and has kept in touch with but she really really didn’t want to go! Neither did the friend who picked her up. They just didn’t want to offend. Afterwards she texted me “in future if I ever get invited to one of these I will miraculously find it clashes ‘with something’”!

Ilovecheese Sat 28-Jan-23 11:19:58

I would enjoy going to one of these parties, but then I enjoy any kind of party.

paddyann54 Sat 28-Jan-23 11:43:15

I absolutely hate them,I did go to one for our youngest GD just before covid ,mainly because I was asked to cater for it .
My son knows my feelings and was apologetic about it but his partner was keen to have one .
As someone who lost several pregnancies at various stages having all that "stuff" fills me with horror .Of course most young folk dont think babies die before or just after birth and thats probably best .Having loads of things to deal with IFit happens is a nightmare I'd rather avoid.
Managing a loss without a ton of baby things is tough enough maybe wait and have the shower a month before the due date ...though that isn't always a given of a happy outcome .
I hope its a good pregnancy and a speedy safe delivery for your DIL .Grit your teeth and do it for them .

Theexwife Sat 28-Jan-23 11:43:40

Baby showers and gender reveals are not my thing but I do remember how exciting it is when you are having a baby, it is all you want to talk about and you wrongly assume that everyone else is as excited.

When I was younger and struggling I did not accept help from my parents as I knew they would resent anything I spent money on that they did not approve of. If help cannot be given without resentment then it is best not to help.

PaperMonster Sat 28-Jan-23 11:48:55

I’ve only been to one and it was lovely to see family prior to baby arriving as they live a couple of hours away. We had fun. It was not long before lockdown so didn’t get to see baby for quite a while. I took a little something . If baby’s not due til June, it does seem a bit early to be having one though. When I was pregnant I didn’t bother with one, although plenty of other people did. I didn’t find out the sex til I gave birth - didn’t make it any more tricky to decorate or buy clothes!!

Poppyred Sat 28-Jan-23 11:51:14

I thought Baby Showers were just for 1st baby? My DD had one for her 1st baby but not for the second. As for gender reveal we had an announcement with balloon bursting but no party.

It’s the modern thing now, best to roll the eyes and keep shtum?

Youcantchoosethem Sat 28-Jan-23 11:55:02

I am so glad that I’m not the only who isn’t keen on them - that’s reassuring! @paddyann54 absolutely agree. My sister lost two babies - one at 24 weeks, one at 28. I did get to meet the one at 24 weeks, and we were all so devastated by the losses.

@theexwife if I hadn’t have bailed them out they would have been in significant arrears so I don’t think doing nothing was an option.

NotSpaghetti Sat 28-Jan-23 12:00:43

I was not at all keen to talk about my pregnancy and baby as you wete Theexwife as I felt it was an intensely private and moving thing that was happening between me and my husband only.

Maybe this is what marks the difference between the "party about it" and the "keep it lower key" sorts.

This was our baby, not everyone's.
Maybe some people maybe are just better at sharing the joy!

I told no-one until I was 5 months with our first baby. I may have waited longer but I was getting pretty round by then.
Later, I hated that some people assumed they could touch my belly. If people asked I said no. If they didn't I said "please don't do that again". I have never asked to feel a pregnant woman's bump. Not even my daughters'.

I am with you paddyann54 on the idea of presumption of a live healthy baby. We should never presume.
I do have a friend who had a stillborn baby. I have never had that terrible pain flowers paddyann54.

Glorianny Sat 28-Jan-23 12:07:16

I thought baby showers included presents for the baby-so maybe they are hoping to have things they really need. I think if your DS has especially asked you you should go to support him. Although it may be that he thinks asking you is a way of saying thank you for the support you've given them, so perhaps be honest with him about how you feel. If you do go, a practical present-baby toiletries, muslins etc might be good as you'll probably be helping out with the cost of those anyway.

JenniferEccles Sat 28-Jan-23 12:09:23

I presume these are different to baby showers where presents are definitely given?
In your position I most definitely would go. Your son has made it quite clear that he would like you there which is lovely of him isn’t it?

With regard to what to take, yes flowers are a good idea but I also would contribute to the food, having told the couple beforehand what I had thought I would bring.

I think the whole gender reveal thing is a silly idea, but the young couple will enjoy it I’m sure!

BlueBelle Sat 28-Jan-23 12:31:32

Arent you talking about a baby shower glorianny this poster is talking about a gender reveal I think they’re two different things and thankfully I ve never been to either none of my children were into them or maybe it had not arrived from across the ocean then
I hope the grandkids aren’t into them either although I don’t think any will be early starters they all seem to want to get careers going first

Glorianny Sat 28-Jan-23 12:39:30


Arent you talking about a baby shower glorianny this poster is talking about a gender reveal I think they’re two different things and thankfully I ve never been to either none of my children were into them or maybe it had not arrived from across the ocean then
I hope the grandkids aren’t into them either although I don’t think any will be early starters they all seem to want to get careers going first

The title is Gender reveal/baby shower so I assumed both would be part of the celebration. But happy to be corrected.

Franbern Sat 28-Jan-23 12:44:59

Surely, a gender reveal party is just a baby shower, with the added knowledge of the last scan showing the actual gender.

Does seem a little early to hold this justinto the secnd trimenster - but most people pregnant the first time naturally assume everything is going to be fine.

I can remember (going back over 50 years ago), I detested the idea of having ANYTHING at all for the baby before he was actually born. My parents had to store the new pram and cot as I was practically paranoid about having these in our home. I can remember when my eldest g.daughter was born an daughter made up the cot ready for her a couple of weeks in advance of due date - and that worried me - thank goodness all was good though.

I also hate any sort of Hen Parties and refused to attend any for my daughters - loved their weddings, but could not bring myself to attend those pre-parties.

If your son really wants you there, go along, take some lovely flowers and maybe a nice cake for use on the day. Presents for the baby can wait until nearer the time and when it is known exactly what they will need.

grandtanteJE65 Sat 28-Jan-23 12:45:09

Oh dear, oh dear!

Just be thankful they want you there!

You don't need to read very much on Gransnet to know that many others are suffering from estrangement to sons and daughters-in-law, or daughters and sons-in-law.

Go, and leave early , making your cold your excuse.

BlueBelle Sat 28-Jan-23 12:59:48

You’re right the title and the first line of post are different glorianny and Franbern perhaps the poster isn’t sure either If they are the same thing then she will be expected to take a baby present I guess but a bit short notice if it’s tomorrow
Oh how complicated it all gets
What next a party to see what colour hair it will have ???

62Granny Sat 28-Jan-23 13:18:13

I would go but make it known to your son that you hope this isn't going to be a lavish affair , as don't forget you haven't go money to throw away. I would not take a gift more than a bunch of flowers and if next month he asks you to bail them out , tell him in no uncertain terms that this is the last time and they need to sort out their finances for their babies sake. Martin Lewis gave some very good debt advise in his programme last week. As we all know babies are very expensive especially in the first year and I bet they will want new for everything.

JaneJudge Sat 28-Jan-23 13:25:55

are they very young? you seem to have bigger issues than this party of you are lending them your car and paying all their bills.

How are they going to cope when they go down to one wage?