How to deal with bald rudeness in grandchildren.

They returned presents to you? Really? Then the problem isn't just with the Grandkids, the parents are in there too. Frankly, if this happened to me, I'd just stop giving altogether. Use the money to treat yourself, or better yet, tell them that in future you'll be donating it to a Charity, where it will be properly appreciated. You win, the Charity wins, they lose... and maybe even learn a hard lesson in life.

Presents can be used as weapons including when they're returned.

You're assuming that the relationship is distant VS despite nothing to suggest that that is the case.

Smileless2012

You're assuming that the relationship is distant VS despite nothing to suggest that that is the case.

I'm saying OP doesn't know what their grandchildren like, that's distance

I am happy to chat to OP about that

Have a nice day

A mutually respectful relationship works in two directions. That is what "mutually" means.

If the grandchildren found that their gifts from grandmother showed that grandmother wasn't aware of what would please them, perhaps they could be guided (by a parent? - these are not orphans) into wondering why that might be? The parents should be wondering about that too.

Have they given any gifts to their grandparents? If not why not? Guided by mother if they are too young to do it themselves, and accompanied by some conversation about what might be appropriate, and handed over face to face so that they could be thanked in person and feel how pleasant it is to be thanked for the effort of choosing and giving.

Have they been taken to visit grandparents at reasonable intervals (and for reasonably short visits, so that it doesn't seem like an imposition to lively children), so that the rapport can be achieved, or have the grandparents been treated as irrelevant and annoying by their parents?

Are the parents ( and as a result the grandchildren) seeing the grandparents solely as spenders of money on them, not as people to form and keep up a relationship with?

Blaming the GPs totally when you have never met them and know only what has been posted is gaslighting

Not knowing what your GC like doesn't necessarily equate to a distant relationship. Distance in relationships refers to not intimate, cool and/or reserved. There's a lot more to a relationship than knowing what someone might like as a gift.

I agree Elegran.

Teenagers need guidance and good examples, that is our job as adults

Expecting a level of respect from children just for being an adult is wrong, children are also deserving of respect.

The best way is to have a mutually respectful relationship is from the beginning, children and young people are our equals with their own feelings and needs. Our job is to guide them, lead by example and hold ourselves to the standards we expect.

If we aren't doing that, who really is acting like a child?

I always ask DiL what to get. I always have. They do have so many "things". I dont expect "thank you" that's not the family's way re the kids tho, get a text from DS and DiL but I know its a welcome gift if not a favourite one. Eldest is coming up to 11 so its money transferred into his account.

I feel loved and part of the family and that's enough.

Re the O/P, returning gifts is horrifying. I can't understand why their mum would tolerate it. I'd be as upset as you are Agent007. I'm assuming they are teenagers at a possible trying it on age. They may well cringe at that memory in later years. I can only assume that their mum can't control them in these respects.

What would I actually do? I'm one for compromise on the whole: I'd send them £10 without expectations, because I suspect you are in a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation.

By this I mean that sending presents back is a sort of teenage challenge possibly waiting for you to act "dramatically" in return. Don't. Just send the tenner in an uncontroversial card: they can neither say you have sent something silly nor have deliberately been "horrid" to them.

OP. My starting question would be, are they rude to other people as well, or just you?

If they are rude to others as well, there is a big problem in general.

If they are rude only to you, do you know the reason for that?

I agree with others, I find this really rude and ungrateful. Agent007 went to the trouble of buying & sending a gift only to have it returned. Respect works both ways and if the grandchild is old enough to return a gift then they are old enough to understand how hurtful this is. It seems the parents are colluding with this as well. Maybe it's time to have a family chat about expectations and thoughtfulness.

That's a better way forward, talk to them, find out why they returned the gifts and explain that it hurt feelings. Ask "what can we do better in future"

Communicate, don't lay blame and Shane

That's where many relationships go wrong

You say "Expecting a level of respect from children just for being an adult is wrong," VS , but how do you know that the OP is doing this? The post says only that a gift was returned and on another occasion a gift of money was not acknowledged, yet out of that you deduced that it was all the grandparent's fault and the child and their parents were blameless?

You have posted much elsewhere about your relationship with your mother (otherwise I would not mention it), but does that make you an expert on all mothers and grandmothers?

VioletSky

I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

The days of giving respect to get respect are here

Isn't sending a present respecting a birthday so therefore should be reciprocated with a respectful reply?
Keep on dear doing things your way and see where they land you and how you feel.

Being thanked for a gift from a child isn't expecting a level of respect from children just for being an adult it's a display of good manners from the child which will serve them well when they become adults.

Leading by example would be for the parent to ensure that thanks is given, and the recipient of the thanks to show their appreciation for receiving it.

Communicate, don't lay blame and Shame should be applied to Agent too.

OPs rarely tell us anything

I'm as entitled to give my thoughts on how to have positive relationships with children and young people as anyone else

If OP explains more I can tailor further

I'm not arguing here

And I'm not advising anything that may damage a relationship so what is the problem?

Wasn't aware there was a problem VS. Posters respond to the OP and to other posters responses it's how GN works.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

VioletSky

Smileless2012

You're assuming that the relationship is distant VS despite nothing to suggest that that is the case.

I'm saying OP doesn't know what their grandchildren like, that's distance

I am happy to chat to OP about that

Have a nice day

Well they may not live next door or round the corner either.

Agent007- how did they return the presents? Personally on a visit, or by post, or ???

I am very grateful that my ACs have taught GCs that they have to thank for presents in a proper message, or on FaceTime, etc. but yes, I do find out from them what they would like and how I can contribute if too expensive, etc.

Sad story. I cannot understand how the parents would go along with the rudeness.
I think I would be thinking twice about future gifts.

I'm not interesting in debating my advice

Clear easy to understand communication

You do you and ill do me

Personally I avoid this situation by saying "I have the receipt, if it doesn't suit let me know and I will take you for lunch and we will get you something else"

I haven't bought my children clothes as gifts for years, lunch, a shopping trip and quality time together

I have two sets of gran kids two sons. One always acknowledges presents the other doesn’t it’s awful and very rude. The two that don’t respond are spoilt rotten.

I'm afraid the days of a stern telling off are gone

Pity because that's what these kids need.

The days of giving respect to get respect are here.

Like showing basic good manners in acknowledging a gift do you mean?

Anyway, my advice is my advice, I don't care who agrees, I have good relationships with my children doing things my way.

I would hope this would include them having the good manners to say thank you for any gifts they receive.

OP, send them nothing more, they don't deserve anything.

Yammy

That is a personal attack

An alternative way of giving broadly similar advice to a grandmother who is hurt that her gifts have either been rejected outright and returned, or just not acknowledged might have been to suggest that they look back over their relationship with the child and IF (a little word but with great power) if they conclude that they don't see enough of the child to know what would please them, to make a point of meeting them as often as possible, chatting about their life, asking what their hobbies are and so on.

There are more IFs - if the child lives near enough to meet up with, if the attitude of the parents to the grandparents is good and they are willing to take the trouble to bring them, not to mention other factors which are relevant to the lives of all the characters in the scenario.

What is NOT helpful to the grandmother, or anyone else in the family, is to assume a hectoring tone which instantly puts the poster in the wrong and elevates the child to seem a victim of a cold uncaring grandmother - a professional counsellor would not do that.

I can't see GM rushing to chat with someone who casts them as the villain of the piece.