Expecting grandchildren to tidy toys.

PS My back doesn't let me pick things off the floor now I'm in my 70s. We are all getting older. I'm happy to cook and clear, but the tidying is not my job. I tidied before they arrived!

I think the rules tend to change depending how often you see them. We see one grandchild often and he knows where his stuff lives and is happy to put things away. We only see the others 3 or 4 times a year when they come to stay for a number of days. Yes the house is a mess while they are here but I'm not going to waste precious time with them getting bothered about it. I used to rush to tidy as soon as they left. Now, as they drive off I sit down with a cuppa and then start tackling it slowly. It really doesn't matter if it takes several days

M0nica

^Why do I allow it, is a good question! I think it’s because I fear a huge confrontation…and then not seeing the grandchildren at all….It’s crazy I know…^

Unless there is something you are not telling us, this sounds ridiculous. All you have to do is say to the children in a quiet decisive voice. 'Right time to clear the table for tea. Johnny, you pick up all the pencils and put them in this box and Sally, you gather up the papers.' Initially they may need a lot of supervision, you working with them, giving instructions etc, always in a kind friendly, but firm voice, they will get the hang of it.

The other thing, introduce that well known GN reccomendation Grandma's Rules. In Mummy and Daddy's house, Mummy and Daddy's rules apply. In Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply - and these include tidying up toys and so on.

Unless you have indulged your son from infancy, so that he never lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand and foot, I cannot see why this action should elad to estrangement.

I was going post my opinion on this but M0nica has expressed my views exactly.

Well said.

Summerlove

retiredlady

Yes, my sons were always taught to tidy up and we always lived as a family, with them helping with chores etc. But I think tbh my daughter in law has the upper hand here….and my son I admit, is at fault, but I think he doesn’t challenge her, to try not to rock the boat too much. Sometimes I can hardly believe that he was brought up by us! (Thankfully my other son is completely different). It was especially bad this time, and my husband is also exhausted with it all

Please don’t solely blame your DIL. If your son knows your expectations, then he is failing in implementing them.

It’s too easy to blame your son being controlled

Please don't blame yourself, I have two DD's and I was a teacher so my two were taught by me when you are finished playing with one thing it's put away before you choose something else.
My DH on the other hand when left to babysit just tipped the boxes out and they sat in all the mess. MIL said I was too organised.
Now when I have visitors one DD's children do what I taught them the other does what DH did.
One helps with the cooking and clearing ,even shopping when visiting.
The other sees it as her holiday ,brings loads of little thoughtful presents and cakes etc but as her sister puts it she sits like a Queen bee on her backside. It does not matter how many times she is told nothing changes.
When my BIL visited with his children they behaved just like DH and the second daughter.
It's not just your training it's others influences as well.
I tell every visit I will need help and very rarely have both at the same time these days. I ration the amount of toys that are allowed out, keep spare small basket and tell them to put everything at the end of the day. Tough Luck if they can't find the pieces that match.
It is exhausting and makes you feel so drained just don't blame yourself and don't sort the toys for their next visit just present them with the jumble they made.I also stopped getting things like paints and glue out.Just toys that can be put in a basket or box. With BIL family felt tips are banned as well or if warm used outside You will feel an ogre but you will not be as tired or upset.

Why should your grandchildren tidy up their toys if you do it for them?
It need not involve a confrontation - they can be made to learn HOW to do it - especially if there is no example set at home. Nobody really likes tidying up but the feeling of satisfaction once achieved is undeniable.
You can make a game or race out of it. Make it more structured by providing labelled containers especially for the small toys. Also appoint an "outdoor toy" and "indoor toy monitor" . Don't have all the toys out at once- seeing them all, especially mixed up can be a daunting sight.
I think if you approach it constructively you can teach them an invaluable lesson for later life

Whitewavemark2

My grandchildren are grown now, but i was/am always thrilled to spend time with them, and tidying the house is the last thing on my mind when we had so much to do or play or talk about.

The result is that we now have grandchildren who bring their latest/permanent partners and they reminisce about the times we had together, the “stuff” we made, the holidays we had. Laughing at something grandad did - riding the cart they made together.

That is what is so important - not a tidy house. No one in their death bed ever says “l wish my house had been tidier”

The house is tidy now, but our little grandchildren are grown.

Never stand in judgement on the way your offspring are bringing up their own children - it is none of your business and those who cast the first stones etc.

Relax and enjoy would be my advice. Your relationship with your own children can only benefit.

Much as I understand your points and agree that a tidy house is not the most important thing, special times and relationships are ...I also can see that the OPs exhaustion and it all being too much is a problem that cant be ignored. Plus potential risks with stuff left on the floor etc when older people are around. So I do think a conversation needs to be had

Grandparents have so much more at grannies these days, I have enough to stock a small toy shop.
When my children were little, the grandparents may have had a few books, a couple of old toys, so the situation didn’t arise.
But I tell you what, I would have tidied it up anyway, my parents would have expected it for sure.

Op
Speak up!

Your house, your rules so in future, when the children have a game out insist that it is put away before they move on to something else. and emphasise that taking care of toys and games makes them last so much longer. Make a game out of tidying away garden toys, again encourage the children to put them away before playing with something else.

As for the parents, well you must have raised one of them be it mum or dad; did you set ground rules when they were growing up? Did you encourage a tidy bedroom? Did you ask them to help set the table for dinner? If the parents aren't proactive then the children will always behave as though you are their house maid, cook, cleaner, skivvy, the list goes on.

There is no need to fall out with any one over this, just make them aware that their visits leave you exhausted and you really would appreciate some help.

I have four children and eight grandchildren - so I just tell them what to do and when. I'm no tidying up after them, even the toddler. A rewards system works well - with fines for non-compliance.

We have drawstring bags and fabric boxes under the stairs (labelled for different toys, e.g. drawing stuff, cars, mini-basketball, trainset, jigsaws). Anything they've brought and want to take home goes in their backpacks. Nobody goes until it's done - and it's all a great big game.

Having said that, five have just left, and there's toys in the shed and under the sink - and somebody's sandals - but never mind!

As your grandchildren are only 5 and 8, an obvious step is to call them from whatever they are doing when you need the table or feel that outdoor toys should be put away, and ask them to help you tidy up.

This is how school teachers and nursery school staff teach children to tidy up.

If they say they don't want to, smile and say, "I don't either, but it has to be done now."

And do tell your children and their spouses that you love seeing them, but you are too old to do all the work yourself, so you need them to help tidying up kitchen, dining-room, sitting-room and bathroom. If their bedrooms are a tip at bedtime that is their affair, not yours, as you presumably don't sleep in the same room as any of them.

On the day the leave, ask the grown-ups to strip the beds and put towels they have used in the dirty-clothes basket as well.

However much you love them, it is your house, so your rules,

If they can't accept and respect this, stop having them to stay - go and stay with them and sit on your backside doing nought (except knitting ) while you are there.

I bet your grandma didn't run round doing all the work when you and your parents visited her!

For a few years of my life, I ran a pre-school playgroup, helped by two assistants who came on alternate days and volunteer mothers when needed. We had all the different kinds of toys that a nursery class has, and every day it all had to be put away - Lego in one plastic crate, paints and crayons in another, dressing-up clothes another, water toys in another and water container emptied, clay stored in a damp plastic bag, woodwork tools (yes- small real ones plus wood offcuts and 6-inch nails!) in another and so on. We used to start half-an-hour before the end putting away the things that were not being used and then get the children to help put things into the right crates. By the time the mothers came for them, everyone was sitting listening to a story.

On one occasion, both I and that day's helper had to be away (separately) and the other "official" helper couldn't help out, so it was two volunteer mothers who were on duty. Both were well aware of the usual tidy-up routine, so the next morning I expected it to take just ten minutes for two adults to get the place ready for 20 or so pre-schoolers to get stuck in.

No - we were faced with a row of plastic crates, each containing a mixture of categories, clearly just flung in randomly, that all had to be sorted out before they could be set out on each table with its different activity. It does bring home the advantages of being organised when you are trying to bring order to chaos with twenty 3-year-olds around you vying for your attention.

That was when we were in our thirties. It is even more true that Grannies and Grandads in their sixties and seventies should not be expected to do the clearing up after their grandchildren have spread a layer of toys/clothes/food debris over their house, while the parents are waited on by the cook/scullion/parlourmaid/ laundress

Oh for goodness sake. Some Grans on here would give their eye teeth to have children and GC visit.
Is it every week, probably not. A couple of times a month - hardly a chore to just enjoy all the lovely things that go with the mess and stop bloody complaining.
By your own admission, you say, mildly bitterly, 'just like their parents'. You raised THEM! What goes round, comes round!
No wonder the 'older generation' get a reputation for always moaning. Prime example.

Maybe go out as a family when you can. Try limiting the number of toys available, only new ones out when others have been cleared away. We have a takeaway one evening when DS & DiL stay with GD. Counterattack and pre-empting are key.

Your house your rules why did you not say anything. I would I’d say if you want your tea you have to tidy up and I’d say who’s doing dishes as I’ve cooked tea. I love mine to visit me but I used to be a child minder and when I had kids in my house they knew when parents were due we had tidy up time and my sons do same with their kids tidy up before tea and if visit mine also tell the kids to tidy up and if I’m cooking they ask any help needed etc. my grandkids can turn my house into a bomb dropped even the 2yr try’s to pick up stuff when others are doing it if you make it a bit of a game you will soon see your floor.

My children always tidied up and still do after visiting. Their children are expected to as well.

You got it Summerlove - lay down the law for next visit‼️ You cannot always do it by yourself when they all invade your space.

It’s disrespectful and exhausting. Then, what about your husband helping out too.
All guys - all hands on deck!
USA Gundy

naughtynanny Do not mix up two totally unconnected issues - the problems some grandparents have seeing their grandchildren at all and the problems grandchildren can cause when they do visit.

When grandchildren and their parents visit, and show a complete indifference to what they do to the grandparents house, it is showing a lack of love and care for the grandparents that must be deeply hurting.

We all age at diferent rates and while some people, well into their 70s seem to have no diminution of energy and can cope with doing everything for the whole family well into their 70s, most of us from our 60s onwards, see, more than anything, a lack of stamina and to have family staying, which is a joy and pleasure, only for the pleasure to wear off very quickly into a miasma of exhaustion and tiredness through which you look at your totally trashed house, and the children and grandchildren who care so little for you that they cannot be bothered to help you with anything, nor notice your exhaustion and need for help, must be enough to break your spirit.

The children must learn what 'no' means. They will find it hard to understand that you mean business, but if you insist, they will gradually learn what it mean. You fear you will not see the grandkids if you insist on discipline - well, I am thinking that the parents enjoy time off, and you provide it. So it's a compromise you must agree to, between you. If there is a mess on the table, you cannot eat. If you have to clear up the toys, you don't have time to go shopping for food, or to cook...

You want to work in my nursery the kids look at you and shrug and walk away!

Just had my 2 g-children (6&4) to stay for a week. They know they need to tidy up before evening meal but do need reminding in good time. ‘We’ then agree who is doing what by age /ability then dinner is served when they have finished. Grannie does anything beyond their skills.
Get the odd grumble/groan but always comply. We sing as we do it & have the odd dance etc with grannie making them laugh.

my 4 year old gs comes to visit, he has a small box of toys and a couple of piggy banks he plays with, when mum or dad say it is time to get ready for home he puts everything away, when he was younger he would bring a clean nappy and the wet wipes and then put the dirty nappy in the bin, he has learned from his parents that rubbish goes in the bin and his dirty washing goes in the basket, he is autistic and likes things in some sort of order so this was a good way to help him. speak to the adults and tell them you are not running after them and the gc, if they don't like it tell them to stay at a hotel.

I found it best to turn it into a game.

Some children love helping and tidying up, others not so much.
But they all like to be first or best so using those tactics can work.

All the paints etc that they have left out, put in a box and put it in the loft - all of it. Next time they come and they ask to paint, say "We can't, the paints went in the loft/attic" if they ask why, "Because you left everything out last time for Grandma to clear up and I was really tired because the house was a mess so I just threw it all in a box and now it's up in the loft/attic" ... make your point.

If they ask to play anything, make it on the condition that they tidy up after themselves.

Busy lives?? I'd describe them as lazy and selfish with the adult behaviour being adopted by the children.
Do you ever visit and stay with them? Think I'd be going out if ny way to make a mess and then leave them to it to clear up once I'd left.