Confused and sensitive

I’m lucky if I get one text a week off my sons!

I talked to a psychotherapist about this sort of generational family communication problem and in essence was told that we parents should expect to receive whatever our ACs share but not expect them to want to hear about our lives in detail. If they ask and show interest it’s a bonus. I know it sounds unfair but our kids are part of the social media world and everything is shared superficially with everyone and anyone. So, we have to accept all those annoying texts and minute info about nothing much but don’t try to return the favour. Tell your friends, tell your own siblings or close relatives but not your kids. It’s hard to accept, I know, but it’s better than trying to force them into behaving how you want them to be, it will end in grief.

I don't think either you - or your daughter - are doing anything "wrong".

You just both live in different worlds. And our world is not their world, so neither will quite fall in with the other.

I think some have been a bit harsh on you with their replies. Depending on the severity of your medical problems, a "how are you Mum?" isn't asking too much. And although the 90-year old grandfather hasn't been in touch, it wouldn't hurt her to at least ask you how he's getting on. Maybe he doesn't get in touch because he doesn't want to bother her with a 'phone call and texting might not be his thing.

TBH, I think some of our adult children can be quite self-centred at times - but of course they are often very busy working and managing a family... however, they are not infrequently very speedy at getting in touch when they want something!

As others have said, less is more. Hang back a bit - maybe just a text to her now and again with a "hope all's well with you and the family - must dash, off to lunch now" with a smiley emoji... indicating that you don't need a reply.

i can never get my daughter to answer her phone, she is always busy with her 2year old
That one sentence says it all. Who refers to their daughters child, her grandchild, as her 2 year old
Always read between the lines. That’s where the truth lies.

Harris27

I’m lucky if I get one text a week off my sons!

That often😬

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

Op

Of course we do not know 30+ years of your story!

We can only give feedback on your posts

Good luck!

If there are problems that have been pointed out with the bits you have told us, then those are things you can personally work on and improve for the sake of your relationship

If you are the sort of person who cannot self reflect on your own thoughts and words, I don't think things will get better and that is such a shame

being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it

Well, posters can only answer with the information you have given, which you say is only half of it.

I too find the way you refer to your family as rather strange - extended family?
Extended family to me would mean your DC's parents-in-law, brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, ie your son-in-law's family.

What about your other DC, do they communicate several times a day? Are you comparing your DD with them?

Sheian62

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

TBH Sheian62 I think it's almost impossible to get any real unbiased advice or help on matters like yours - related to family problems.

Obviously, you can only tell us so much. You want to remain anonymous - you can't give too much detail, but have to give sufficient so that we get a good idea of the problem, and that's a difficult balance. Also, of course, we don't know the background to any of this. So people will take what you write at face value - apart from the one who was determined to read between the lines and basically 'condemned' you for your choice of words! I think that was rather unfair.

Constructive criticism is always useful, so I'd weed out the posts that you think are genuinely trying to be helpful, and not take too personally the rather judgemental ones... it's the nature of social media.

When there is an OP like the one here it’s generally assumed that the poster is the one who has been hard done by.

I have a very close friend who could have posted on the terrible problems she has with her daughter. She would have told you how financially generous she is, how she’s always there to help: all true, but she won’t tell you it’s her way or the highway.

Was concerned with the way the OP bandied around her suspect that daughter was bi-polar. This is a very horrible illness and anyone who has ha to live with someone whohas this will know that it is far,far more than being good at time and horrible at other times.

Most of us are like that little girl with a curl in the middle of her forehead, normal hman conditions.

I do wish people would not try to medicalise normal human behaviours.

Anyone has had to try to cope with someone suffering -from bi-polar on one of their 'highs'. more manic periods, (let alone trying to protct them during a down time), would not use this term to describe anyone so lightly.

As the others have said - just back off .

You can't force more calls and texts from your daughter .

My children used to visit my father and me regularly .
It was lovely .
I felt supported .

Then slowly ,
the visits , calls and texts became less frequent .

I've been told that they want to have fun with their children on high days and holidays .

There's nothing that I can do about it .

Families vary so much, operating under different dynamics and expectations. That’s why it is always tricky to ask advice on a site such as this, where indeed we can’t know the whole story.

Most posters I think genuinely try to help and support, based on their own experience, but it’s a pity you didn’t find what you were looking for, perhaps it would be more helpful to talk to someone you trust.

Your daughter is engaging with her son; you think he is spoiled.
Your daughter sent you texts responding to yours over a week (which you say is only a couple of times a week; you think it was a deliberate attempt to overload you with information.
Your daughter seeks time with you when her husband isn't around; you see this as filling a space rather than taking the opportunity.
Your daughter want to meet you where your grandchild doesn't get bored; you see this as a negative thing rather than a way where she can give you attention rather than dealing with a fractious child.
I find it difficult to believe your daughter doesn't sense your frustration and negativity with her especially if there have been troubles between you which have been going on for the last 30 years.
It sounds to me from what you have said that some of your thinking needs to be reframed in a more positive light. Be proud your daughter is engaging so well with her child and is thoughtful about him. Pat yourself on the back too because you brought up this lovely mother. Enjoy the time she can spend with you because she can find the time even if it isn't in the place of your choosing. If she has a wide circle of friends, she could choose them not you.
Ask her how she and her family are when you text. It costs nothing and you may find she responds in kind.
Maybe get some insight from a Counsellor about how your thoughts you think you keep to yourself actually colour your interactions with people. We are often more transparent than we realise.
You visited this forum and expected sympathy...have you been visiting another GN Forum we know nothing about?! You will always be shocked by some of the answers you get. After a while you recognise the names of people who always harsh or blunt. You will get a handle on who thinks young people should act as they want and those who take on board young adults are living their lives.

I agree. Just stop being so available and replying quickly

I wonder if your "quiet belief" that your GS is spoiled is not as quiet as you think it is?

Why doesn’t she ask you to go along on one of the many days out she takes her child?

Oh my goodness, I could have written this!
The difference being, my Daughter has now blocked my number. Not because I was 'bombarding' her, she has many issues with me. So now I don't get any photos or videos of my GS, and it's so, so painful. I know exactly where you're coming from wanting to keep contact. I have a DH, family, friends and work. But feel so lonely without my DD. I sat on the bed and cried yesterday when I tried on an outfit & wanted her opinion. I could have asked a host of others but she was the only one I wanted as she would have been truthful.
I don't think your GS is being spoilt, mine gets his parents undivided attention when they're not working and gets taken out. That's just as it should be. I'd advise not to pass negative opinion. I've learnt that the very hard way. Maybe your DD keeps you at arms length because she is wary of getting too close and it going wrong. It's so hard. So hard. I don't know what the answer is 🙁

Good post VioletSky (Weds 11:58)

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your daughter to phone you occasionally or accept your calls from time to time.
Texts messages are so impersonal.
As for her comments on her 90 year old grandfather it's disgusting.

Just be glad she's happy with her child and be thankful that at least she sends you photographs.

O.M.G....it's an epidemic...(eyeroll disease)

Sheian62

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

But you said "help me to see where I'm going wrong ..." That's what most of the posters have done, as well as advising you how to move forward. Yes, we don't know "half of it" and, understandably, you haven't share the other half, but we can only comment on what is actually shared. You're not "a fool" but you are expecting a bit much from us. I can't see anything wrong in any of the posts, especially as you actually asked for "help!" My advice, unless there really are other reasons for what you see as less than ideal communication is to accept it for what it is. You DO have contact; it's just not the contact that you would like as often as you would like. You are lucky. Be glad. Some of us (not me) don't even have that. xx

If she works, and he goes to the Nursery - she’s probably feeling guilty for not being a full time Mum. hence possibly over compensating by taking him out to have fun when she is there - any young child is hard work - even taking them out for ‘fun’ can be exhausting. Father doesn’t seem to be in the picture much from what you are saying, and her asking why you don’t enquire after them, could be a subtle way of saying she is having some troubles mainly coping on her own?? Right or wrong, she IS keeping in touch regularly with you, and many don’t even have that . The fact that her Grandfather is 90 doesn’t mean she has to keep in touch just because he’s elderly - my Ex is 87, and his own sons don’t like him much, but try to keep in touch, and send pics of the grandchildren etc (the one son lives in Japan) despite the fact that EVERYTHING they do is ‘wrong’…he is the most self-centred bully I’ve ever met. His current wife does all the work for him making phone calls, and making all the appointments etc, etc, nothing to do with him being unable to - he isn’t just won’t. She sends texts, etc, he will only occasionally speak on the phone.
He complains they don’t ask after him and his health constantly, but rarely asks after theirs.
I agree with those who say just get on with your own life, reply briefly to pics, etc, when they come through and do ask how your daughter is - she might be struggling??? The ‘life is one long party’ may well NOT be accurate