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Wanting the house to myself

(125 Posts)
RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 13:36:33

AIBU to resent the fact that I pretty much never get the house to myself? I was lucky enough to be at home with my three children, which I am eternally grateful for, but they are all grown up now, so I do have a lot of ‘me time’, which I need and enjoy. My issue is the fact that, although one child lives away, my oldest and youngest are still at home, one being a student, the other with a job where he works mostly evenings. Along with Covid changing things, my husband now works from home almost all the time. I get on well with him, and enjoy spending time together when he’s not working, and even look forward to his potential retirement soon, but I am so sick of cleaning sinks, putting toilet seats down, tidying my kitchen, turning unwatched TVs off, only to look ten minutes later and feel I have to do it all over again. I suppose in the past, I was used to tidying my house in the morning and having it stay that way for a few hours until the kids got home from school, but instead of having less to do as they’ve got older, it seems there is more!
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m lucky to have my family around me, and my boys are incredibly good and kind to me, but I feel as if I can’t even come home from shopping, without a welcoming party at the front door 😖 Sorry if I sound ungrateful, but all I’d like is the prospect of a few hours to myself now and again…is that wrong of me?

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 13:37:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baggs Tue 12-Sep-23 13:40:31

Is there a spare room that you can have for you only?

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 12-Sep-23 13:45:51

Your children should be doing their fair share towards keeping the house clean and tidy. And grown men should be told firmly to put the seat down - I have never once had that problem with my husband or my son. If you keep running around after them they’ll just carry on letting you do so.

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 13:46:32

I have a lovely spare room, which I recently decorated just for me, but it’s more the general repetitiveness of tidying up after everyone that’s getting me down, as well as craving a quiet house. I’m feeling guilty now because I know a lot of people really miss all the busy-ness and noise of a full house once their kids have flown the nest 😖

Hithere Tue 12-Sep-23 13:49:41

I would stop cleaning after them

When they have partners, they will thank you for it, I can assure you!

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 13:49:57

I have to say that my husband is probably more organised and tidy than I am, and he is amazing at maintaining our garden and home, but the toilet seat is an ongoing issue lol!
Maybe I was spoiled by having so much peace and quiet for so long while my boys were at school…or maybe I’ve just become too fussy!

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 13:56:36

I think I’ve created the wrong impression. My boys are all very self sufficient and great at keeping themselves and their rooms tidy etc. My oldest is a great baker and leaves the kitchen spotless after he’s made something…in fact I never have to wash a dish because he will do any that are in the sink, and also pretty much always empties the dishwasher too.
My issue is more about feeling the need for a quiet house that stays the way I’ve left it, from time to time. I guess maybe I am being unreasonable, but I just thought maybe others might understand 😊

swampy1961 Tue 12-Sep-23 14:11:01

I can so understand your feelings - I would love it if my DH would go out and leave me in the house alone!! Just once in a while would be lovely - he is on long term sick soon to be fully retired but he goes nowhere!! If I go out he gets the house to himself why can't he do the same for me?
It's not that I don't love him just need to be totally alone sometimes - I'm often busy with looking after GCs and will soon start a mainly wfh job with some hours spent on site when needed. So some time alone with no TV, kids, DH or anything in my house would be bliss!!

crazyH Tue 12-Sep-23 14:21:24

‘Welcoming party at the front door ‘ - I love that - it reminded me of the time when my children were young . Whenever I returned from shopping, there would be a ‘welcoming party’ of 3, ready to see what I had brought back for them - now, my GC do it, when I visit them ❤️

lixy Tue 12-Sep-23 14:35:22

No, not unreasonable at all.
Could you 'treat' them all to a visit to (say) the cinema, wave them off cheerfully, shut the door and breathe!

I love my family dearly - but also enjoy the hush when everyone's out.

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 14:36:50

I have a friend whose two children live away, and I know she would give anything for what I have. My ‘welcoming party’ helps me to carry my shopping in and will often unpack it for me…boys bring boys, they never grow out of wanting to see if I’ve brought them something, but I often would like to put my shopping away in peace 😂

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 14:38:26

You’ve got it exactky…to just to shut the door after them and breathe, is all I ask for 😊 Glad some other mothers understand the craving for hush!

grandtanteJE65 Tue 12-Sep-23 14:50:06

I do understand, but why have you let things develop like this?
A son who works is old enough to remember to put the toilet seat down and the lid as well! Admittedly, both he and his father will probably feel you are unreasonable demanding this now, when you have been doing it for years, but you can always try.

And why are you doing all the cleaning when you are four adults sharing a home?

The basic problem is that you, like many women, regard the house as My house, where things should be as you want them, not as Our house, where the three others are just as entitled to live as they want to as you are. Obviously, this requires ground rules, so I suggest you discuss the whole issue with the family.

And certainly either have a space in the house that is yours, and yours alone, or activities that take you out of it once or twice a week and that do not involve the rest of the family.

NotSpaghetti Tue 12-Sep-23 14:51:15

My husband has gone out and the trip I was going to have to make for my work is off.... I'm delighted.

I am doing nothing just now in a silent house after a mad morning (and loads of problems) and will continue to do nothing for another 15/20 mins or so.


62Granny Tue 12-Sep-23 15:06:53

I know you feel the need to keep going around and tidying, but I think you have created a habit and it is getting a bit obsessive /compulsive with you . I would tidy/clean around once in the morning and leave it at that. As far a the toilet seat is concerned if you know one of them is in there shout "don't forget to put the seat down" if you have two toilets perhaps one could be yours only and one for them in the day. In the afternoon take yourself off out or to YOUR room and shut the door and put some ear phones on ignore them.

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 15:15:46

It’s both amusing and enlightening to me to read the replies to my post…some of you lovely ladies get me entirely and understand what my post was intended to be about, while others read it as my lack of ‘training’ my menfolk to do my bidding, spending my life cleaning after them, and not making my own space and time, which is not the point at all. As mentioned before, I have a lot of ‘me time’, where I exercise, walk my dogs, see friends etc. That is completely beside the point I was making, and I am actually incredibly grateful that I have such a nice life, apart from my little niggles.
I think many women do see the house as ‘theirs’, mainly because as a general rule, we women run the show in terms of an instinctual understanding of what needs to be done for the smooth running of a household and family, whether as stay-at-home, or working mums…I for one, am proud to say I feel I have done just that, and my husband and sons respect and appreciate me for it.
I love the replies from some of you who understand the simple bliss of having the house to yourself for an hour or two.

Nannarose Tue 12-Sep-23 16:25:34

It may be a bit of a side issue, but please will someone explain the big deal about putting toilet seats down? IF you are worried about bacteria 'swirl' then lid should be down when you flush.
However, if not, why on earth does it matter? If the seat is up, I put it down; if it's down DH lifts it up. Either way, someone needs to change it.
I seem to have only heard it in the last few years, and simply don't get it!
And OP - yes, I do understand what you are saying!

Oreo Tue 12-Sep-23 16:33:48

I agree Nannarose
You have 3 men in the house OP and 1 woman so why should the loo seat always be left down just for you?
Is it the only loo in the house?
If you have your own quiet room then what’s the prob?

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 12-Sep-23 16:50:19

I have heard it described as good manners for a man to put the seat down again. I wouldn’t disagree. I prefer the lid to be put down again too.

lemsip Tue 12-Sep-23 17:21:09

re; loo seat. it's about the lid being put down....I hate seeing a loo seat down and lid left up. ugh.

V3ra Tue 12-Sep-23 17:25:24

Ha! I make sure my downstairs toilet lid and seat are up at all times during the day.
With six schoolboys in the house at various times over the week, it's the only way the two girls and I can be sure we don't inadvertently sit on a wet seat 😖 😂

Nannarose Tue 12-Sep-23 17:35:14

There are good health reasons for putting the lid down before you flush. But I only occasionally hear that gripe.

And I am very sympathetic overall to OP - what I used to do was think 'there will be years to come when I have peace & quiet - for now, let me enjoy what is here with me now'.

RicePudding613794 Tue 12-Sep-23 17:37:06

Ha…yes, there’s the wet seat aspect too, which with a houseful of boys I completely understand lol!
Maybe it’s an aesthetic thing as well as for hygiene…I just hate passing my downstairs loo and seeing the seat/lid up. Makes it seem very public toilet-ish without the seat down.
Oldest son looks after his own loo, but we recently replaced our main bathroom seat with a soft-close, which means it takes a while to lower…a damned nuisance if you’re in a hurry, so yet another reason for the previous user to put the seat down out of consideration for whoever might want to ‘sit’ on it next 😂

TwiceAsNice Tue 12-Sep-23 17:39:09

I now live with my two daughters and two teenage grandchildren . Mostly it’s great , they help me and I help them. However on Mondays I have the house completely to myself. Although still busy the silence and being by myself is just BLISS so yes I completely get it!