Totally exhausted from babysitting GC

jenpax

Fleurpepper

This- all of the above. I am just indcredibly amazed that some ACs these days expect all this- and not a word of thanks, flowers, treats, etc, in return.

This! My situation is more extreme than OP’s as I provide 24/7 child care and housekeeping services for youngest DD as well as working and my reward is criticism and insults far less thanks and treats!

I am so sorry about this jenpax.

One question- and I know the answer is probably very complex. But why do you, and many other grand-parents agree to this?

Don't give up time with your BF because of your AC and their babysitting expectations. I did and have now reached my mid 70s, on my own, and GC have all grown up with their own lives. Decide what you want. If something came along and you couldn't look after them, your AC would have to make alternative arrangements.

Hi Maureen
Wow! I feel your pain, you have all my sympathy. You know you're overdoing it and it's got to stop or at least cut back on all your childcare hours.
How do you do it? You say you work and do GC care during the week, as well as weekends.
You can't take care of anyone unless you self care first. Please sit down and tell your AC that you cannot continue this heavy schedule, and say what you can do.
Go on your holiday with your partner, relax and enjoy some time together.
I have cared for my two older GC for three days a week each for a total of four years, but it was always appreciated by our DS and DIL.
This year we have our youngest DGS just.for 1 day a week, as he goes to nursery. We occasionally babysit him in their home in the evening, again showing lots of appreciation.
Good luck and let us know the outcome.

This! My situation is more extreme than OP’s as I provide 24/7 child care and housekeeping services for youngest DD as well as working and my reward is criticism and insults far less thanks and treats!

jenpax do you live with your daughter?

What you are experiencing could also be described as "modern day slavery."
Why do you feel you have to put up with it?
Think about it 😕

Unfortunately it can be all too common to discover that any work done willingly that isn't paid for is rarely valued or appreciated by the recipient.

You are being taken for granted and you are at the end of your tether. You need to balance your own need for time for yourself for your own job and household chores, a reasonable social life, and a healthy work /life balance followed by a healthy retirement. So you need to decide how to divide your time and when you are available for childcare (by which I mean providing regular service for when they are working) and casual babysitting ( time while they socialise) and let your ACs know so that they have notice that your availability is reduced and can make their own plans for their needs as parents. It will be a difficult conversation but it's one that needs to be had and don't allow yourself to feel guilty either. Be prepared for a backlash, if they are selfish people.
Remind yourself that you have been the 'enabler ' here (which is how they have taken advantage). Set your limits on your time otherwise nothing will change until you are made ill and can't do it.

I totally get you. I work full time have 13 month old GC whose fab but bloody hell I don’t get paid I look after him 12 hrs a day for 3 days and his mum complains when I watch Netflix

I don't understand grandmothers who do this. It's as if we don't have a life of our own to lead.
I was once asked to take leave to look after gc to save mother from doing it. I just said no, my leave was important to me. (working fulltime)
I love my grandchildren, and love time with them, but my leave is as important as the parents.
you need to speak up for yourself.

I look after him 12 hrs a day for 3 days and his mum complains when I watch Netflix

And what is your response to that?

Uggy

I totally get you. I work full time have 13 month old GC whose fab but bloody hell I don’t get paid I look after him 12 hrs a day for 3 days and his mum complains when I watch Netflix

She'd be getting a bill of between £160 to £180 a week from registered childminders round here, and we're a fairly low-charging area 🤨

(If she paid through the Tax Free Childcare account that would reduce it to between £128 to £144 as she would pay 80%, the government would pay the difference).

I think some grans need to have a long hard think about self-worth and valuing themselves. It's so sad to read of people not only being taken for granted, but disrespected as well ☹️

Thank you everybody

Thank you to those who have shared their own experiences - it’s hard isn’t it.

I need to give myself a shake and start reducing babysitting. I want to see my BF, who is retired, more than I do now.

This is going to sound very melodramatic - but I’ve had an ear infection the last 2 days and couldn’t do childcare. Despite the pain it’s been bliss having no one in the home. I do love the GC but it’s all too much.

and yes to criticism from AC - I’ve had moaning about giving GC biscuits, letting them watch cartoons and not doing phonics with them. TBF I made it clear granny’s house granny’s rules. They never quite get upset enough to forego the free childcare though.

PS don’t worry I am not Maureen - my username is an in joke between me and my siblings

jobieP

I remember your other post EHM. (I can't find it now)
It was one of the most interesting posts on GN.
Your daughter walked in your house and discovered you had a BF. There was hell to play with all of your AC! You must have really spoiled them as children to treat you so poorly. I think you and your BF (who seemed very nice) should move away so you can no longer be put upon.

Yes that was me - I can’t find it either! I was going to do an update

So if you remember my AC dished out what was essentially an ultimatum- BF or them. I said “Well if you don’t need me anymore that’s your choice”. They reneged in about 0.2 seconds. They accept I have a BF, they haven’t met him and don’t want to meet him. Which is fine. I like having him seperate anyway. But it’s a shame as he’s amazing and is so considerate. I think he holds back A LOT WRT my AC though.

Oh and since my last thread I heard something very interesting.

I met my OH’s sister, who is a clinical psychologist. I don’t know the proper term but when a person is sectioned to a mental health unit a psychologist has to be present in their home to effectively sign off on it. She does that on something of a on-call basis. She told me middle aged and elderly women, in her experience, who are looking after GC are disproportionately represented. She has been to several where a woman my age and older is looking after young children and has had a breakdown. She also said for one when the AC turned up they were clearly more concerned with how they will not get childcare than their mum being sectioned and she had to have words

Interesting thread. I am currently looking after 2 small GC for 3 days ( fortunately they are in nursery during the day) whilst their parents are having to go to close family funeral ( in laws family) which is abroad. I classify this as a one off emergency so felt I had to step in with help of DH. However, I would draw the line at doing it for a jolly or holiday as it's so blooming exhausting and anxiety provoking. Im only hoping we haven't set a precedent here.

EverybodyHatesMaureen

Oh and since my last thread I heard something very interesting.

I met my OH’s sister, who is a clinical psychologist. I don’t know the proper term but when a person is sectioned to a mental health unit a psychologist has to be present in their home to effectively sign off on it. She does that on something of a on-call basis. She told me middle aged and elderly women, in her experience, who are looking after GC are disproportionately represented. She has been to several where a woman my age and older is looking after young children and has had a breakdown. She also said for one when the AC turned up they were clearly more concerned with how they will not get childcare than their mum being sectioned and she had to have words

Glad you came back to the thread. Some dont.

Sounds like there are many like you.
I guess they are fearing estrangement if they dont do it all?
Or perhaps they have always gone a bit too far in looking after their children, and carry it on with grandchildren.

Maybe you will hear and take action after the info from your OH’s sister, (the clinical psychologist) and step back....

Please don't become a statistic here.

It is really interesting what your partners sister has told you but it really doesn't surprise me. Women/Mothers seem so pre programmed to please other people and they are are often taken for granted.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted looking after little ones btw I'd have been furious at your son in law having a lie in whilst you carried on with the looking after!

No wonder you’re exhausted. Time to act - apart from your own health and well being, you won’t be a good, fun, safe carer for the kids if you’re too tired and resentful. Mind them one day a week, that’s what I did, and it’s plenty. Gives you and the children a lovely close relationship, and time for having fun for yourself. Stop now! They’ll be upset, but they will get over it.

I suppose deep down i fear that if I cut off all childcare support will I ever get a visit or a phone call. I’m too scared to find out the answer

Sad to read.
I suspect that that is the reason why many do the same.

I wouldnt like to advise.

EverybodyHatesMaureen that worry must be why so many people are caught doing too much.

It's so much harder to cut back than it is to do a bit more.

EverybodyHatesMaureen

jobieP

I remember your other post EHM. (I can't find it now)
It was one of the most interesting posts on GN.
Your daughter walked in your house and discovered you had a BF. There was hell to play with all of your AC! You must have really spoiled them as children to treat you so poorly. I think you and your BF (who seemed very nice) should move away so you can no longer be put upon.

Yes that was me - I can’t find it either! I was going to do an update

So if you remember my AC dished out what was essentially an ultimatum- BF or them. I said “Well if you don’t need me anymore that’s your choice”. They reneged in about 0.2 seconds. They accept I have a BF, they haven’t met him and don’t want to meet him. Which is fine. I like having him seperate anyway. But it’s a shame as he’s amazing and is so considerate. I think he holds back A LOT WRT my AC though.

I suppose it may be a balancing act? It shouldnt have to be for you.
What can you manage, without your AC, possibly acting horribly towards you?

Personality plays a large part in all this. Many GPs set out to be helpful, tending to push ourselves to cope when looking after GC gets more exhausting. It snowballs; AC don’t see our perspective & in my case ignore any hints because they don’t want to acknowledge that the childcare expectations are becoming too much. Despite one of our AC knowing full well how I felt when his brother brought GCs (5,3 & 1 yo) at 7am not 7pm for a sleepover & not collecting them till late the next afternoon, he still asked us to have his 3 & 1 yo for a sleepover, which didn’t go well as the GCs disturb each other & nobody sleeps properly.
Boundary setting is necessary but goes down like a lead balloon.
Some find it easy to say no, others of us find it hard.

Hello-I’m flabbergasted at what you’re doing. You must be exhausted! Definitely, as others have said, to calmly speak to them explaining it’s now all too much and what you’re prepared to do after Christmas-minimum!
My dear sister has just had surgery; she was collecting youngest DGC from school one day a week and often having him either at her home or theirs for a full day during hols. She hasn’t been able to do this while awaiting surgery. DIL asked her when she’d be able to pick up heavy loads again! Obviously wanting her back! I advised she should speak to DS, explain surgery is a “shot across the bow” and she will not be able to start again! We’ll see! Of course she’s fearful they’ll withhold contact 😞

It does seem for some there's a fear of having to choose between feast or famine.