To ask my son for a refund?

MercuryQueen

You very well may have done nothing wrong, as your son says, but they found the reality of having a houseguest for three weeks to be too much to handle.

I’m an introvert. I don’t do well with houseguests, three days is my limit. Doesn’t matter who it is, I struggle. I need my space, my routine, my down time to not be ‘on’. Waking up with someone extra in the house puts me on edge.

And your son’s gf was heavily pregnant and meeting you for the first time? And alone with you for the majority of the visit?

Ooof.

Yes I am quite the same. It doesn’t matter if the guest was the most lovely person ever in a quiet corner of the garden them
Simply being there would prove too much for me very quickly. Three weeks sounds like a nightmare

Soozikinzi

Well I'm going against the grain herë and saying surely they could have managed another week if the first two had gone OK? Just grinned and put up with it for one more week . And if you emigrate to Australia you have to expect the inconvenience of visitors staying a couple of weeks as part of it ? I prefer staying in a b and b when I visit my GC but we're not paying for a flight to Australia ! Well that's just my view . If they know a nice air b and b place nearby maybe they should pay for that for you for the next few xmases and birthdays?

Perhaps when you decided to I’ve to Australia you recognized that meant relatives would simply visit less and decided that was a fair trade?

I think the couple should have told you before you went about not wanting you around in the day, for that is what they meant. I wouldn't like anyone round me 24/7 as I would find it suffocating but it's unrealistic to expect anyone on their own to go out all day, they should have made that clear and now it is, rather brutally.I would never dream of asking for money back from them, whether they are comfortable or not. Did you pay for your board and lodging? The money's spent now just as if you had returned, forget it. If anyone asked me for money off future presents I would feel insulted, I would forget another visit and see if they might come to you. This has become about money, you have different expectations . They didn't treat you well, that's who they are, but if you want a relationship, stand back. I would never ever expect or want my children to subsidise me, I want to help them. I am estranged and once in place it's almost impossible to resolve and from the other side of the world even more so.

We’re in Australia now with my daughter and family. We were invited for the births of both our grandchildren here. We offered to stay in a nearby hotel but they insisted we stay with them. The biggest red flag for me is that this is your son. It’s very different if it’s your daughter and you’re there at her request. I can fully understand how your situation evolved and suspect your visit was desired for your son and his partner agreed under sufferance, but if they aren’t able to share with you their issue then it’s not going anywhere and you’ll have to take the hit of the air ticket. My heart goes out to you it is so painful and hurtful. I’m so sorry but the clock can’t be turned back if they can’t help you build a bridge for the future.

I think that’s the very point I was going to make jaki
It’s very different if it’s your daughter who’s heavily pregnant they usually want their mums around but not so much not their in laws
ALSO
very important this young lady isn’t a daughter in law she is not married to your son and it’s a NEW partnership according to original post to meet his new (heavily pregnant) partner so three weeks with a stranger in your house, a husband out at work, and a big heavy tummy, tired legs and raging hormones would scream ‘please leave me alone, and go out for a walk’

Agree with what you say BlueBelle. However short of money I was I would just accept air ticket you purchased has gone.Leave them be. You can't afford to visit, perhaps they will come over and see you and family. It must be heartbreaking, there is an excellent forum just opened on here for people whose children live abroad.,

Unfortunately, some things do go wrong in life, through not particularly anyones' fault.

As others say, no to asking for a refund.

I think you need to prioritise now on keeping/maintaining a good relationship with your dil and son.

I think you need to prioritise now on keeping/maintaining a good relationship with your dil and son
Preferably from a distance for a while!

It’s a sad case but exactly what happens when both sides don’t think it through, the DILs mother might have been more acceptable although that’s not always the case. The old saying “relatives are good in small doses” is a good guide, they can always beg you to stay longer.
I definitely would not have wanted MIL for long, mum was OK in small doses, stay a couple of hours then leave please. I enjoyed motherhood, you’re tired so you sleep when baby sleeps, you eat when baby feeds, housework gets left, that’s not compatable with visitors.

I wonder what the conversation was before you were invited to visit. My gut says that your son assured his very pregnant gf something along the lines of, “Mom will be busy, going out to see the sights, she won’t be hanging around all day…”

That would explain why there was an assumption of you not being there all day on her part.

I suspect there was some mismatched expectations and miscommunication mixed in.

I find overnight company hard on a normal day. Put me heavily pregnant, hosting a stranger, who doesn’t leave the house for three weeks? There’s no way I could’ve managed.

That still isn’t saying you did anything wrong. Just that something somewhere in the planning went awry.

Oh yes. So true! About being able to relax with your own mum but MiL just not the same
The in-laws arrived the day DS3 was born at home. She came bearing gifts -
A fabulous picnic lunch with champagne. They shared it with us in the garden and then LEFT😂

Our first DGS was born in London. DS and DDiL lived in a one room flat.
We drove from Scotland to Penrith, spent the night in a hotel and bought day return train tickets to London. There was just time to meet the baby, have some lunch and even go for a walk . About 4 hours. Perfect!

Our NZ DGS was brought to meet us ages 3 months and we saw him aged 10months in NZ. Luckily my DDiL is very laid back

Hosting someone for three weeks is too long. However suddenly telling someone you have invited that you expect them to vacate the house for 6 hours a day (or stay elsewhere) is very rude and thoughtless.

It puts me in mind of those dreadful old fashioned boarding houses from when I was a girl. You were expected to be out of the house all day regardless of the weather. One year when I was 15 I was crippled with period pains and absolutely refused to go out. I went back to bed. My parents were embarrassed. But what was the boarding house owner going to do? Drag me out of bed in my nightie? Looking back it was a bizarre system and Im glad I rebelled against it.

Gosh I wouldn’t have thanked anyone for staying with me after I just had a baby it’s really so not on and I wouldn’t ask for money from my adult children whether they have it or not silly Billy tread carefully

Requesting refund will fan the flames and make a difficult situation far far worse.

The OP's son' partner hadn't had the baby Bonnybanko, she was pregnant.

This made me think of B & B's years ago biglouis when you had to be out by a certain time in the morning for the entire day.

Biglouis we don’t know that Jack was told so starkly to be out all day maybe it was hinted that perhaps she’d like to go out more and her take (understandable because she was hurt that things hadn’t gone right) took it as ‘good grief they want me out the house for 6 hours every day’

Everyone is taking about her ‘daughter in law’ but she isnt she is a NEW heavily pregnant PARTNER they may have only been together 8/9 months

She says in her OP BlueBelle that her son "admitted that they'd expected (her) to go out every day, all day (for 6 hours)" not what I'd call a hint.

Same difference isn't it? BlueBelle
I call my son's gf my DiL as she's the mother of my GS and they've been together a long time.

I recently stayed at a Premier Inn and having checked out I realised there were no trains running, due to flooding so tried to go back to my room. I booked in again but was made to stay out for 2 hours while the room was cleaned despite my pleas that it didn't need cleaning!

Even with wonky knees (pre surgery) I had no problem amusing myself out and about on my husband's business trips - I certainly wasn't going to stay in and look at a hotel cleaner.

What does a 3 week plan in a strangers home look like?

Maybe nobody thought to remind her to bring her stick and walking shoes?

There is a missing piece. Perhaps son didn't plan this long trip properly.

I agree with Mercury here. This situation strongly suggests that son did not clarify expectations with both mum and partner before the visit happened. I suspect poor OP arrived to discover partner had neither expected her to be in the house (quietly or not) all day every day and quite possibly had not expected her to be there for the full three weeks.

There has to have been some pretty strong words exchanged between son and partner for son to have shared those mismatched expectations with you.

Telling you they couldn't host you for three weeks once the baby was born was IMHO reasonable. I couldn't have managed with a guest (and with the best will in the world, you would be a guest) for three weeks as a new mum either. I found too many visitors a day burnt me out enough. I would not have behaved with the courtesy and thoughtfulness I would have wanted to towards a three week houseguest in those circumstances.

The reasonable thing for son to do would be to offer to pay for the AirBNB for you to allow the visit to still go ahead. Has he done that? Is that something you would be comfortable suggesting to him before you go ahead and ask for the ticket cost?

Well, something obviously did change after two weeks but if your son won';t talk about it, I don't see how you can find out. Do not ask for money, whatever solution you reach.

Once again, thank you for your responses.
To those who think I sat there all day, without moving - whilst son's partner also sat around heavily pregnant without moving - you couldn't be more wrong!
They live a ten minute walk from the beach, so I walked there each morning and stayed for 2 hours. Or caught a bus to the next town. Or walked into the village. DSP is very fit and active - even at 36 weeks pregnant - and walked to the beach each afternoon, where my son met her late in the afternoon once he'd finished work.
Therefore, had I been out all day - what difference would that have made? And yes, as Smileless2012 says - this was verbally articulated, rather than hinted at. The relationship is 2 years old - so still relatively new; particularly as she has been pregnant for nearly half of that time.
I absolutely agree with the responses that express the unfairness of the situation - and, that she was perfectly OK for 2 weeks. There were only 8 days left ... surely she could be polite for that amount of time?
Perhaps it was pregnancy hormones or perhaps she just decided that she didn't like me. I shall continue to communicate with my son as we have always done on a weekly basis, and to send gifts for my granddaughter - but I shall never return.

I also accept from your responses that my son was probably the one at fault - she is close to her mum who lives 1.5 hours away, and her Grandma who lives in NZ, so I understand more now that she wouldn't want a stranger staying for 3 weeks, even though the baby will then be 3 months old.
I've received photos and a video call since the birth (although she was asleep). But my Christmas present to her hadn't been opened (even a few days ago), and there hasn't been any communication from DSP at all, so I doubt that any bonding will happen at all. I'm very sad about this, but hopefully I will eventually meet her when they visit the UK.

Never say never.

This speaks volumes about what you think about her and their relationship - not good

"The relationship is 2 years old - so still relatively new; particularly as she has been pregnant for nearly half of that time."
2 years is not that new.
You are not talking about teenagers here who know each other for 6 months.

"I absolutely agree with the responses that express the unfairness of the situation - and, that she was perfectly OK for 2 weeks. There were only 8 days left ... surely she could be polite for that amount of time?"
When your son brought it up, I am sure the past 2 weeks were not 100% ok
What do understand by polite?
Polite does not mean put up with something not matter what for 8 days

"Perhaps it was pregnancy hormones or perhaps she just decided that she didn't like me".
She shared her home with you for 2 weeks.
She was OK with you coming back to visit
She liked you ok enough - not ok on your terms

"I shall continue to communicate with my son as we have always done on a weekly basis, and to send gifts for my granddaughter - but I shall never return."
Your son failed you by not being responsible for hosting you 100% of the time, not an uncommon mistake

You do not like the mother of your gc and clearly shows in a post.
I wonder how it translated it person