She is 38, has chronic health issues, works but doesn't earn enough to move out. Youngest is 31, also at home, only works part time but has a lovely partner. He is very generous and pays for a lot. He earns 23K, her, around 9k. They are in touch with a mortgage advisor to buy a flat. They live near London so very expensive area but because youngest has 80K savings, they will be able to get a one bed flat easily enough in the area.
The eldest has always contributed financially out of choice and does most of the cooking. Youngest has not but as I say, eldest did it out of choice.
Now she seems upset and is distancing herself from the family as she feels the house move is dominating all the discussions and being the only single one in the family, she feels invisible. Aibu to say she needs to grow up and if she can, really go out of her way to find a partner so she can have the same?
Both jobs you describe can be emotionally and physically exhausting, so it’s not surprising your granddaughter needs to recharge her batteries when she gets home. Did you give any thought to my earlier suggestion of taking her out for a meal?
I agree *grannyactivist^
Working with children with special needs and as a nanny?
And with a chronic health condition herself?
I still find it hard to believe it's true.
If so, the spoilt younger GD needs a reality check and the older GD needs tlc, not criticism.
No grandmother would be so unkind and unfeeling, surely?
Maybe I shouldn't have said she needs to grow up but that's the only negative I have said. It's just frustration as it's causing a lot of tension. Surely that is understandable.
YorkshireQueen
Maybe I shouldn't have said she needs to grow up but that's the only negative I have said. It's just frustration as it's causing a lot of tension. Surely that is understandable.
No it is not understandable. Your views are abhorrent to me.
You see I was the elder daughter, I was never as good as the younger princess, I was useless, I would never get anywhere in life. I too have/had depression, anxiety and other things, but I did a full time job, had children, bought a house in a London Borough, learned to drive and pay for a car. I now have a full state pension and a occupational pension from my job. This js not a stealth boast as I would not like anyone to walk in my shoes. I still suffer years on. I proved them wrong and stuck two fingers up to them.
This will have to be my last contribution to this thread as it has really struck a chord with me. I am glad your Grandaughter goes to her room when you come, can't you see she is protecting herself. I hope she gets away soon from your negativity and ignorance. She sounds lovely and deserves better.
I had to put up with a ignorant intimidating Father and a dense Mother and I am sorry to say you sound like her.
PS Get your head out the clouds on the salary the second daughter and her partner are on will not be enough to live in a London Borough.
YorkshireQueen
Maybe I shouldn't have said she needs to grow up but that's the only negative I have said. It's just frustration as it's causing a lot of tension. Surely that is understandable.
NOT the only negative by a long way.
“Get herself a man”(so that they can buy a property together.)
Really?
Your story is a truly sad one if true
You have no idea of the financial facts of life
You have no idea how many young (and not so young) women view their futures
“Go out of her way to find a partner” - (checks date 2024 or 1924?)
You are in cloud cuckoo land if you see YGD as having achieved something amazing by “catching “ a young man who does not earn very much but seems to think they can afford a flat
You are showing yourself up in the way you continue to blame the older GD.who incidentally pays her share of the household expenses unlike her feckless younger sister.
Blimey - I wish it was a spoof!
YorkshireQueen
Why on earth would it not be?
Are you saying we should just tiptoe around her and not celebrate a big achievement with other GD?
She's only buying a flat!
The elder sister must be a lovely, patient, caring person to do the work she does. I don’t get the same impression of the younger one, and she certainly hasn’t inherited these qualities from the OP. I suspect the OP makes her very aware of her ‘failure’ to find a man who can afford to buy a house. It won’t be long before the younger one finds out that £32k isn’t enough to live on or that her boyfriend is in it for the money - if they marry and divorce he’ll get half the fabulous £80k.
YorkshireQueen. Even if any of us condoned your notion that she should "find a man" (which is worthy of another thread in itself) how do you propose she does this?
I would imagine her social opportunities are limited by her disability and low income.
Perhaps she might go to a ball and leave a glass slipper behind.
YorkshireQueen
It's pathetic to say it's a spoof. I only wanted some advice on how to deal with this but everyone has taken it too far and been ever so cruel. I wish I had not posted.
You clearly are only interested in everyone agreeing with you. Help the poor girl, don't criticise her
Blimey - I wish it was a spoof!
The way it is written does seem to be more of a spoof than real.
everyone has taken it too far and been ever so cruel.
We're not cruel just because we disagree with you.
I think you all, apart from your older GD, need to give your heads a wobble, as they say on MN.
"You cannot be serious!"
Germanshepherdsmum
The elder sister must be a lovely, patient, caring person to do the work she does. I don’t get the same impression of the younger one, and she certainly hasn’t inherited these qualities from the OP. I suspect the OP makes her very aware of her ‘failure’ to find a man who can afford to buy a house. It won’t be long before the younger one finds out that £32k isn’t enough to live on or that her boyfriend is in it for the money - if they marry and divorce he’ll get half the fabulous £80k.
They won't be able to get a mortgage for even a shoebox in an expensive London area!
I like your eldest GD YorkshireQueen
She had morals, character and a determination to stand up for herself.
I'd be so proud of her if she were related to me.
You asked what you could do about the situation...
Go up to her room give her a hug, tell her you love her, and last but not least leave her at least £80k in your will.
Yes, you are being unreasonable. This poor girl is chronically unwell, yet contributed (ok it's her choice, but still ...), sees her sister contribute nothing (again her choice!) and whether because of her non-contribution or having a generous partner, is able to afford a house. No wonder she's feeling a bit put out. Here's an idea - treat the one you say is childish to a day out or something that is special to her i.e. spoil her a bit. She needs that. What she doesn't need is being told to grow up and/or to find herself a man!!!
Sorry, but I think you’re being quite uncaring and as her dear grandmother could perhaps be a little more empathetic. I would imagine she is feeling quite low and depressed, and as for suggesting she goes out to find a partner so she too can afford a house…..
Having flicked back through all the posts am wondering if poor OP is living in a parallel universe!
I too cannot work out the maths! So are we saying youngest GD has not spent any money ever for the past 9 years?? Sounds a bit suspect really and why is a 31 year old woman living a home, not helping out at all in any way, only working part time, they will struggle once they live together as this woman seems to have zero clue about how much it costs to run even the tiniest flat and her income will barely cover the food bills!
It’s a completely mad and bizarre post frankly and I feel so sorry for eldest GD!
Dear YorkshireQueen
My younger daughter has a very serious mental health issues, since she was 13, she’s in anti psychotic drugs and is 23, she works full time.
My older daughter is Autistic (high functioning) with ADHD and social anxiety. She’s 26 and works full time!
It’s clearly a choice your younger GD has made!
Finally, don’t think this OP will be back, as we are all horrible and ever so cruel!
But maybe this lovely sounding elder GD can find some kind of live in role, which isn’t too taxing, or look at supported living? There’s always a way to more independence, really having a mortgage really isn’t the be all and end all!
I truly wish her luck in the future and hope she can escape from her toxic family!
Namsnanny
I like your eldest GD YorkshireQueen
She had morals, character and a determination to stand up for herself.
I'd be so proud of her if she were related to me.
You asked what you could do about the situation...
Go up to her room give her a hug, tell her you love her, and last but not least leave her at least £80k in your will.
👏👏👏
And a house!
really having a mortgage really isn’t the be all and end all!
Nor is having a man!
The older granddaughter is a responsible adult, who works in a demanding job despite being in poor health herself. She also contributes financially to the household and does almost all the cooking. You haven’t said, but I bet she does a lot of the household chores in addition. I cannot for the life of me see where she needs to grow up. I see that there is an age gap of seven years between the two sisters. Is it the case that the younger one has always been the Golden Child with every whim indulged while the older sister has been overshadowed and overlooked yet expected to join in with the paeans of praise for the younger sister? It seems to me that you yourself have probably always favoured your younger granddaughter yet it is the older one who has worked hard to make a good life for herself with no help from others. Hers are the real achievements, not those of a woman who chooses to work part time and yet has saved £80,000. How is it possible on this income? Also, why is a woman of 31 with no ties or responsibilities only working part time? She will now be bankrolled by her partner, although how they will be able to keep up a mortgage and other living expenses on a combined income of £30,000 is a mystery. If this is now the sole topic of conversation, is it any surprise that the older girl disappears upstairs? She has also got her priorities right about men. If Mr. Right comes along, fine, but if not, fine also. As others have said, it’s the younger sister who needs to grow up.
YorkshireQueen
Oh for goodness sake. Some of you are just being very horrid now.
My youngest GD has mental health issues and anxiety impacting on her ability to work full time. My eldest GD wouldn't earn nearly enough to move out alone in this area.
I think you are all being very cruel and judgemental.
Ah, yes. Mental health issues. Meanwhile, her older sister has chronic health issues yet holds down a full time job, contributes financially and does what she can in the home. I am not pooh-poohing mental health issues - I have suffered from depression/anxiety myself, as have several other people l know. I, and most of them, have still managed to work more than part time and do what we needed to do outside work. It is estimated that around a quarter of the population will suffer from some form of psychiatric illness at one time or another. If they were all to work part time, the economy would sink altogether.
Where did I say eldest GD works full time? I didnt. She works but not full time.
Taking myself off this thread now. Getting very unkind and not serving any real purpose.
Read your first post. You say the elder sister works. You say the younger one ‘only works part time’. The obvious inference is that the elder does not work part time.
You have been very unkind to your granddaughter and I don’t get the impression that you’re going to change.
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