To think this is weird?

An in law in our extended family loves going to the funeral parlour to view the body of any relatives who die. I find it quite ghoulish. She is Irish and said it’s normal to do so. Is it ?

Perhaps they went at the request of the family.. to give support maybe

woodenspoon

An in law in our extended family loves going to the funeral parlour to view the body of any relatives who die. I find it quite ghoulish. She is Irish and said it’s normal to do so. Is it ?

Yes it’s very normal in Ireland.

The wake house is visited by people from miles around and can last up to three days. it can be seen as a slight if you don’t visit!

Exhausting for the family and a tradition that is slowly becoming less so expected.

Yes completely normal in Ireland. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were all “laid out” at home and it was a constant stream of visitors to pay their respects in the days prior to the funeral. They were in an open coffin on the bed.

The most recent funeral I attended in Ireland my cousin was in an open coffin in the funeral parlour the evening before funeral. The close relatives sat in a line either side of the coffin while neighbours from their rural community filed by, stood by the coffin momentarily, shook hands and offered condolences to the seated family and filed out. Some kissed the deceased on the forehead or patted their hands.

It’s a cultural norm in rural Ireland. Including bringing young children along. I thought I’d seen it all till I witnessed a local farmer lift his 5 yr old over the coffin and the child kissed the deceased on the forehead. To say they are relaxed around death is putting it mildly.

KittyLester , I believe you are right to be bothered by any possibility the undertaker was not treating your dead friend's body with respect.
In life nobody should enter another's private space such as their home, their hotel room, their hospital bedside unless they have a specific invitation to do so. The same courtesy should be given to dead bodies.

I realise that viewing is important for some, but not for me. When I was a young student nurse I saw my first dead body and felt very traumatised by it. I’ve seen a few since, but definitely wouldn’t want to see my nearest and dearest, or for them to see me. To me their body is just a body, and the person I knew has gone.
The idea of the undertaker cosmetically enhancing a body for viewing fills me with horror.

Traditions as described in rural Ireland were suited to a society where The tradition included people living close to each other and sharing much more of day to day lives than is normal today in cities. The ritual of the corpse viewing , like other such communal rituals, kept the community close.

Yes Caleo and perhaps they had a healthier attitude to death than is common in contemporary society, where death is “sanitised” and hidden, and an uncomfortable reminder of our own mortality, but in such communities a normal part of life (and death).

A similar experience with my mother in law in NI Grannynannywanny, an open coffin in the front room, her body had to have ‘company’ 24/7 until the priest sealed it on the day of her funeral. Her sons, including MrJ, carried her coffin to the church a goodly way in the drizzling rain.
I read the Janet Evanovich books Callistemon very amusing.

I had to identify my mum after flying from Australia. Dad was in bits and couldn’t do it. At first I said they had the wrong person because she looked completely different and not as I knew her. Very strange and not something I would choose.

All my family saw my mum and dad after they had died. It is comforting to know the person they were is not there anymore and that this is really just the "container" in which they resided.

I think as a society we have become rather squeamish about death.

We sat with friends and family with the body of my dear friends husband a few years ago in their home.. A number of us (close friends and family) sat together through that first night with her. We shared stories and laughed a lot and frankly it felt very respectful, loving, fitting and ordinary. We raised a few glasses to happy times with him.
I suppose this is what a wake would have been like - until for some reason the term became used for the funeral "reception".
I would like to think some people might feel able to support me if I was in that position, or my husband if I died first.

When my ex husband died the funeral director asked if we wanted the coffin open at the crematorium. His was the 4th funeral I'd helped arrange and I don't remember being asked that before.
Years ago l went to a funeral in Wales and my husband needed a shave, he was given a bowl and a towel and told to use the mirror in the parlour. Noone told him his granny was lying in there in an open coffin. It was just normal for them, life carried on around her
l wouldn't want to see a dead body unless it was someone close to me, for me that is the time to say a solitary goodbye. I find it a very peaceful, respectful farewell and l can appreciate others may want that opportunity.

Like most of the posters here I have never been to view a dead person. Not even my grandmother whom I loved far more than I did my parents. I preferred to remember her as when I last saw her living - frail but still mentally alert.

The entire funerals scenario freaks me out. I never went to my grandmother's wake. I went straight from the graveside into work. She was an immensely practical woman. She would have approved of "just getting on" with everyday life when someone dies rather than moping about.

She always said that "Mourning is done in the heart and not in the garments."

Jesus said something similar (Matthew 8.22) when he called one of his disciples who wanted to attend a family funeral. "Let the dead bury their dead" or something like that. He was equating funeral rites with worldly show and vanity.

I come from an Irish background and remember as a child in Scotland seeing relatives lying in open coffins.

The one I refused to see as a child, was that of an uncle, who had been crushed and died in an accident down the pits. In my head, I imagined a mangled body.

When my FIL, whom I loved liked a father, died in A&E, I went into say my goodbyes to him.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with being squeamish notspaggetti I m not squeamish I ve seen dead bodies and washed them in my work but I haven’t ‘viewed’ any of my close family or anyone else (even that word feels wrong) but that’s just me yes it’s personal) the body has been made up and looks unreal and different I was with both my mum and dad as they died that was enough and I sat with my Nan in her bed after she had gone

But I think to some people maybe they need to see that the person has really gone to others I think they just follow what’s always been done

I had to identufy my daughter,she looked as though she was asleep,I fully expected her to open her eyes and tell me it wasnt real and she was just pretending.
I saw my mum in hospital about an hour after she died,but her eyes where open the windows to her soul where empty.

God Bless you , downtoearth -I can't begin to imagine the pain of having to identify your daughter .
I've seen my deceased elderly relatives after death and I found it totally harrowing .

BlueBelle - I suppose I'm not talking about "viewing" - I'm talking about "being with" - before the funeral directors are involved.

I seem to think open coffin is pretty usual in America?

Celieanne86

As a retired funeral director I can tell you we have many requests to view the deceased person. It is not up to us to decide who does or doesn’t. All and any requests are passed on to the family it is their decision and theirs alone who should visit their loved one. Remember your friend as she was in life and the happy times you spent together.

I’m glad the family need to be consulted!

Both my parents died in their respective Nursing Homes and my immediate reaction when told of their deaths (I'd missed being their both times, although I was on my way) was that I needed to see them just to be sure. I don't think I'd have believed it otherwise, although it was expected. I was there pretty quickly so they both looked 'normal,' I wouldn't go to 'view' anyone once a Funeral Director had prepared them for viewing. Even the word 'viewing' makes me shudder. Each to their own though.

My mother died suddenly when I was 9 and because I didn't see her I found it hard to believe she had died.
I didn't go to the funeral, I went to school which was probably normal in the fifties.

I hadn't seen my mum for two years before she died due to a very difficult issue with my brother. The last time I saw her, she was in a terrible un kept state, so much so that I contacted Adult Social Services to intervene.

This totally destroyed my relationship with him but I've never regretted my decision because he wasn't caring for her properly and I had no other option. I never saw her again.

He didn't tell me when she was admitted to hospital and it was my cousin who 'phoned to tell me she'd died. It was left to me to arrange her funeral which he didn't attend.

I'd never had any intention of seeing someone once they'd died and when I was asked if I wanted too, I felt very conflicted. I explained how terrible she looked the last time I saw her and although I'd never met her before, I trusted the funeral director to tell me if she really believed that seeing her once they'd looked after her, would be a good thing.

I remember hesitating at the door to the room, Mr. S. was with me, and she asked if I was alright. I said, and it sounds like an awful thing to say, that I was scared.

When I saw her she looked beautiful, clean and at peace. They'd even painted her nails with a pale varnish because they'd noticed how I look after my own, and guessed there was a time when she'd been the same. They were right.

I'm so pleased that I saw her and the memory of how she looked the last time I saw her when she was alive, has been replaced with how she looked that day because that was how my mum always used to look.

Smileless2012
Thinking of you.

farmgran I was actually with my grandmother when she died. I was about 6 and remember it well. She just quietly slipped of her dining chair onto the floor.
My mother was in the kitchen and in I called out to her and was then immediately shut out - the ambulance arrived and just took her away.

I wasn't allowed to see her again. I still regret not having a chance to accept for myself that she was dead.

I too was excluded from the funeral - but was taken to the tea afterwards.
I wanted to go to the funeral.
It still feels "unfinished"