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AIBU

To think this is weird?

(88 Posts)
kittylester Sun 11-Feb-24 17:31:43

One of my oldest and dearest friends died a couple of weeks ago - her funeral is tomorrow.

We found out today that another of her friends and ex boss went to see her at the undertaker's with her son and daughter in law.

I have no problem with her going to see her ( I wasn't asked but I wouldn't want to) but I find it odd that she went with my friend's family - presumably she asked rather than being invited.

Or am I being unreasonable.

Nicksmrs46 Tue 13-Feb-24 00:17:54

My dear dad passed away in my arms and he looked so peaceful and younger after many hours of pain. I did not want to see him in his coffin and suggested my family didn’t too, but I left it up to them to decide .. none of them did , preferring to remember him as was in years past..
I've yet to plan my funeral but I’ll definitely want eyeliner, mascara and lipstick put on before I reach the Pearly Gates !

NotSpaghetti Tue 13-Feb-24 00:26:27

Elrel ' all my five children saw both my mum and my dad after death. They also touched them/stroked them and said their goodbyes
Mum was at home and Dad in the hospital.

After a post on here about children at funerals I asked them what they remembered. They were aged about 14 to very small.

Without exception they said they were asleep but "just weren't there" or words to that effect. None were as impacted by seeing grandparents dead as I was not being allowed to go to the funeral of my grandmother.

I too was left with "kind friends" by the way.

MissAdventure Tue 13-Feb-24 01:08:28

I think it's weird, the boss going to see her.
Perhaps they're just all very practical people and had room in the car for her friend.
I think its quite a personal time.

NotSpaghetti Tue 13-Feb-24 01:18:17

Do we know that this person was only a "boss"?

OldFrill Tue 13-Feb-24 01:26:27

NotSpaghetti

Do we know that this person was only a "boss"?

The OP said she was a friend and her boss.
I don't think there's need for speculation.

I've sat with a family for hours watching their son and my friend die. It's sometimes what some friends do, others might think it's weird.

NotSpaghetti Tue 13-Feb-24 08:07:22

I was wondering why kittylester seemed so upset about it Oldfrill - I'm not thinking it's weird. I have also stayed with a friend and her family as you described, and after death.

Not sure where you live but here it would likely only be family and close friends who might go to pay respects at the undertaker's.

I was just thinking that an "ex-boss" sounded a bit distant to be going when the deceased's son and wife.
I've re-read that this ex-boss is a close friend so maybe the son was actually pleased to have them there.

kittylester Tue 13-Feb-24 08:19:31

My thought was that it was odd (even intrusive) to go with her family.

Obviously, if she felt the need to see the body, that is up to her but I agree with MissA that it is a personal time.

Mt61 Tue 13-Feb-24 08:55:36

Just helped a friend fill in the forms for company to take her body away when she dies.. £1500, you just sign for who you want to pick up your ashes. No funeral! I tried talking her out of it but no she was adamant she didn’t want anyone to view her body or any one to say BS words at her funeral.. I’ll be sad because she’s a good friend & I’ll probably not even get to know when she dies sad

Growing0ldDisgracefully Tue 13-Feb-24 09:33:51

As many have already said, there are as many different ways of dealing with loss as there are posters on this thread, but I do find it odd the scenario in the OP.
When Dad died, Mum insisted on him being brought back to the house to spend his last night at home and I agreed to spend the night at home with Mum. I think neither of us was prepared for the coffin being left open, so we both had a few moments to say our goodbyes then just quietly shut the door. During that afternoon, a neighbour who was also a long-standing family friend came round, took a glass of whisky and went in to 'have a chat and a drink' with Dad. He's Irish and I think the Irish have a lovely approach to celebrating the life of passed friends.
I visited Mum at the funeral home the afternoon before her funeral - I didn't like to think of her going through her last day alone. Tbh she wasn't looking her best, as there had been a number of weeks between her passing and the funeral but I felt she would have wanted that last visit.

Bella23 Tue 13-Feb-24 09:46:03

I've seen three. The first was my father because my mother insisted and it was horrible he looked like someone else said like a waxwork,my dear dad wasn't there.
I sat with DH and his brother with their mother as she died in the hospital, all was peaceful and I even managed to kiss her goodbye.
The third was horrific. Our elderly neighbour had been dead for at least three hours when his wife came for us. The paramedics knew there was no urgency after speaking to DH. My neighbour insisted on sitting in the room opposite her husband who slowly slumped in a chair changing colour . One of the paramedics when they did arrive joked "At least he went in his favourite chair", no one laughed. Not an experience I would recommend.
I think it all depends on your feelings and the circumstances,I'll leave the choice to the family.

NotSpaghetti Tue 13-Feb-24 09:49:08

kittylester

My thought was that it was odd (even intrusive) to go with her family.

Obviously, if she felt the need to see the body, that is up to her but I agree with MissA that it is a personal time.

I wondered if the close relationship between the son and his mum's friend may have been such that he saw her as a strength.

When my mum died she had a very close friend who had stayed with us/her during the last weeks of mum's life. I can envisage going with this friend to see my mother if circumstances had been different.

OldFrill Tue 13-Feb-24 12:06:19

kittylester

My thought was that it was odd (even intrusive) to go with her family.

Obviously, if she felt the need to see the body, that is up to her but I agree with MissA that it is a personal time.

When I've visited a deceased person at the undertakers (I've visited 4), I've sometimes gone with others and it was discussed who wants to go in, the order and the grouping. (it's a couple of moments of chatter). In my experience one or two go at a time, the others wait their turn. I prefer to go in alone, but someone may wish not to so I'd go in with them. The undertakers also had an appointment system so they know who is coming when, it's not a drop in. The 'friend and boss' may have gone to the undertakers with the family, but did not necessarily visit the deceased with them.