To think this is weird?

Why is that bothering you?

biglouis

Like most of the posters here I have never been to view a dead person. Not even my grandmother whom I loved far more than I did my parents. I preferred to remember her as when I last saw her living - frail but still mentally alert.

The entire funerals scenario freaks me out. I never went to my grandmother's wake. I went straight from the graveside into work. She was an immensely practical woman. She would have approved of "just getting on" with everyday life when someone dies rather than moping about.

She always said that "Mourning is done in the heart and not in the garments."

Jesus said something similar (Matthew 8.22) when he called one of his disciples who wanted to attend a family funeral. "Let the dead bury their dead" or something like that. He was equating funeral rites with worldly show and vanity.

I think Jesus was saying the dead burying the dead were those dead to his Christian message, their souls were dead and nothing to do with funeral rites etc.

I've seen three dead bodies in my lifetime. Once when I lived in South America as a child. I was on the school bus and there was a man in the middle of the road who had been run over. It was customary for anyone who "retrieved" him to pay for his funeral. So there he stayed. The second was my grandmother. I was 24 and was unsure. I went with my Mum and saw grandma in her coffin. I just remember thinking how tall she looked, having spent most of her life walking with a stoop. The third was a dear friend of mine and my partners. She'd been diagnosed with cancer the week before and died within four days of her diagnosis. We were on our way to see her but she died ten minutes before our arrival. We went to see her in her room. It was as if she was asleep. I take enormous comfort and closure than we got to see her one last time and tell her what an amazing friend she'd been, especially to my partner. Each to their own. For myself? I want everyone to throw a huge party, wear crazy colours and play Merry Hell as loud as possible.

My views and experience seem to be very different from the majority of posters. My husband died in his late 40s, totally unexpectedly. He died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My teenaged son and I were the only ones to see him there. He was wearing only his hi-vis work trousers and work boots. His chest was covered with monitors and there was dried vomit around his mouth. I'd have hated for that to be my last memory of him. The funeral directors were wonderful, making sure that when our children saw him he looked as he should. I asked for him not to be in a coffin, so he was on a hospital type trolley that had been covered with a sheet. The clothes I chose were jeans, a concert shirt and one of his favourite flannel shirts. His hair looked just as it always did and I made sure that he had on his glasses. Our children went to see him and were helped immensely by being able to say goodbye. Our youngest was twelve at the time. I find it hard to describe our visits to him as viewings.

I'm glad that like me, you and your children found it a positive experience Commonground.

My elderly friend died last July. We couldn’t arrange her funeral as the undertaker she had pre-booked and pre-paid was on holiday.

I notified everyone in her address book.

One ex carer, who hadn’t cared for her for over 2 years, decided to take it upon herself to go and see her in the hospital mortuary. Without asking if anyone would mind, or asking permission from next of kin, which was myself.

I found out accidentally when a neighbour let it ‘slip’ and I was horrified.

My neighbour would have been mortified that she’d gone into the mortuary before she had been ‘dressed.’

I spoke to the mortuary, they said that ANYONE can make an appt to see a deceased person so long as they know the persons name, address and date of birth.

Very upsetting as she’d previously been quite mean to the old lady in the past. Turns out she’d made her way into her will. So upsetting

People are vile at times.

On a lighter note, we went to view DH's uncle (DH was next of kin) and the undertaker had combed his hair right back, think Dracula. DH had a word and said hairdo was quickly rearranged. We still laugh about it now; we know uncle would have found it funny too.

Callistemon21

Perhaps it's frivolous (sorry kittylester) but it reminded me of the Stephanie Plum books. Grandma Mazur and friends used to meet up at the local funeral parlour
Grandma Mazur also frequents the local funeral parlors because they are the social centers of the neighborhood. She sometimes peeks underneath the casket lid to see the dead body, causing hysteria in the parlor.

I was thinking that too! The treatment after death is very different in other cultures and I would be aghast at having a body in my 'front parlour' as people used to do...or still do.
My first (and last) dead body I viewed was my stepfather and I really regret going. My mother insisted that my daughter should be allowed to go (she was 7) to take away the mystery of death. I ended up being a poor role model for her as I had to leave extremely quickly and I was obviously distressed.
I was there when my Grandad died and shortly after my Uncle (who I helped care for) died. It was easier as they were still warm and they looked just the same. However, I left almost immediately and didn't look back. That was good enough for me.

Having had two deaths recently, I was quite happy for anyone to view them if they wanted to, and they did.
But I only went with my grandson to see his dad, my son, and be there for him.
I think it depends on the person/people bereaved.

Farmgran when two of my grandkids daddy died they were 4 and 6 my daughter took professional advice and they both were asked if they wanted to see their Daddy, (he was Irish so in the house) they did and both kissed him bye bye they were also asked if they wanted to go to Daddy’s funeral explaining in simple terms what it was (again this was professional advice as they said just as you experience it children often think their mummy or daddy has left them on purpose and they are left looking for them and expecting them to return) They did come to the funeral it was hard but I think the right thing

people are all different when it comes to a loved one, my partner died a couple of years ago, i did not want to see him in his coffin but his family wanted pictures and then told me how handsome he looked and asked if i wanted a copy of some, it was a very loud NO and he would have been so angry with them. no funeral for me just a pick up and get it over with, ashes in the garden. his have been split up and made into various things along with some clothing made into cushions...weird.

Maybe they saw each other as friends rather than just employee & boss.

I think it’s odd!

I was with both my Mum and Dad when they died. I didn’t go and see my dad at the chapel of rest, but I did see my mum, after some delay, with my 23 year old daughter because she wanted to and was very close to my mum.

My mum looked like a waxwork and I wish I’d never gone!

We’re all different in our regards to a loved one dying. My fil and mil both came from large families and it was normal to visit them at the funeral home.
I saw my mil at the funeral home , I wasn’t keen but my fil insisted and he was devastated, he adored her , so I went in . She looked waxy and felt cold , she didn’t look like my mil.
When my father died very suddenly, I didn’t visit him. My brother got married 3 weeks before my df died and I prefer to remember him at the wedding and full of life ,
My fil died in hospital, I’d just left and got home when we got the call , so my dh and I went back to see him. Because it was so close after his final breath , he looked no different from normal . So I decided not to see him at the home .
Both my in laws and their siblings were keen on having a rose or a plaque in a garden of remembrance. And would go regularly and chat to them .
My mother still has my dads ashes on her bookcase , she likes having his ashes near rather than under a rose .
I chat to my in-laws and my father when I’m dusting their photos as their photos are how I like to remember them .

nexus63 I have "coffin photos" of some Welsh relatives.
I think it's odd but don't fancy it myself.

Do people still make death masks I wonder?

I haven't read all the replies, sorry it's up to 3 pages now, but here in SC, US, many, if not most, who have traditional funerals have what is called a "viewing" or a "wake" for anyone to come see the embalmed body. Sometimes it's the night before the actual funeral, or earlier on the day of, or an hour before the actual funeral. People file by a few at a time, sit around and chat/comfort the grieving, or visit with long-missed family/friends. After the service is over in the funeral home or church, the pallbearers carry the coffin out to the funeral home's hearse to take it to the cemetery and there's another short service there before it's lowered into the ground. Finally, after all of that, food has been brought in or prepared by family/friends, and most who are close to the deceased go to the home for food. It can be an all-day ordeal. My DH and I are being cremated with very little to do outside whatever our kids want.

I am sorry for your loss.

Personally, I have had no desire to see any loved one after he or she had been placed in their coffin, but I would not have objected if any friends or former colleagues of the deceased had asked if they might do so.

When I was a child in Scotland (1950s and 1960s) those who died at home were laid out in their own newly made bed, and adults visiting to pay their respects were, as a matter of course, expected to go in and look at the departed person.

I myself have viewed the bodies of my parents, my maternal aunt, and my husband after they were laid out in their hospital beds and I am glad that I did, but I told the undertaker that I did not wish to be present when any of them were laid in their coffins.

To me there is nothing weird in anyone wishing to view a deceased person they knew in life. This is just a way of paying your respects to the dead.

Customs vary so much from one part of any country to another that I think we need to be careful not to call someone else's way of paying their respects odd or weird.

Well said grandtanteJE65
We all use whatever we have to feel better I think.

To me its a personal choice, i have seen relations and friends, that has been
entirely my choice, i am not bothered who comes to see me, the only important issue i stipulate is that I have my lippy on ( 😂🤣😅😆)

I have'nt read the other posts from the other lovely posters so as not to be influenced.
Firstly I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend.
I presume that the family agreed to the friend and ex-boss otherwise how would they know who and therefore where the Undertaker was?
I suppose wanting to view the dead who are our friends or family is a very personal thing. I didn't find it easy viewing my beloved late mother . Presumably viewing meant a lot to the extra viewers ? Why else would they go ?
Thinking perhaps a tad tactless to view with the family ? Mind you everyone would be upset? As I'm sure you know you can be just as upset about your friend as the family are , perhaps more so.
You'll never know if the friend and boss approached the family or Not. Things can get very random where funerals are concerned and everyone is upset so I'd try not to dwell on it. Best of luck on the day.

I found my mum dead one morning. The carer couldn’t get an answer so they phoned me to investigate. She was half in and half out of her bed and still warm. She was ill but it wasn’t expected so soon. I was okay with finding her but what really freaked me out was her eyes were half open I still get flashbacks to that.

I reluctantly went to see my Dad at my Mum's insistence. How I regret that. His face was set in a way that I recognised when he was cross with me - thin-lipped and stern. This was in 1975 and I still have this image in my head. I didn't visit my Mum, I couldn't bear for it to happen twice.

This is very normal in the Netherlands. The body is brought to the house the night before the funeral for those who want to to see it. We found it strange.

In my experience, you can go directly to the funeral director and make an appointment to view. You do not have to ask
the next of kin, why should you, I find it really strange to read this thread. If you are fond of someone and they die before you have a chance to say good-bye it is only natural to want to go and say good bye. I would regret it for the rest of my life if I did not. I have lost many of my own close family. cared for them to the end and viewed them all at the undertakers the day before cremation as a final farewell. If you love someone, you love them dead too. Nothing morbid or unpleasant about any of that. We all die and we need to speak more about death than we do, so it becomes a natural part of life.

NotSpaghetti - My daughter was 7 when my grandmother died. She and ‘Greatie’ were very close. My mother, her brother and sister in law arranged the funeral. A kind neighbour whom my daughter knew well came to stay with her while we went to the nearby church. When we got home my daughter was under a table crying inconsolably because we had all gone to ‘say goodbye to her Greatie’ and she was left behind.
Some years later a local doctor’s brother died comparatively young. She took her own child and her brother’s child, both 5 or 6, to see him, touch him, and say goodbye.