Unsure of how I should be feeling here

Theexwife

It is quite natural to feel upset that your family do not want to holiday with you but it is something you are going to have to accept and be thankful you did have holidays with them.

It was a family tradition in your mind, that doesn’t mean they were happy for it to be something they did every year.

It was a family tradition in your mind, that doesn’t mean they were happy for it to be something they did every year.
Oh dear , Not happy that we were taking GC on a fully catered ,paid for holiday ? 😢😢

Sarnia

My family have holidays together but only every 3-4 years. That way nobody feels obliged to do the same thing every year and can go elsewhere without anyone feeling left out or resentful they weren't asked. We had a big holiday this year. 18 of us plus 2 dogs celebrating a small wedding, and 70th.40th and 21st birthdays, all packed into a week. We all had a great time but that will be it for a few years now.

Sarnia
That sounds like a great idea & we have already spoken about doing so in 2025 .

Theexwife

It is quite natural to feel upset that your family do not want to holiday with you but it is something you are going to have to accept and be thankful you did have holidays with them.

It was a family tradition in your mind, that doesn’t mean they were happy for it to be something they did every year.

Theexwife
I did not think they “did not want me to holiday with them “
More that I was a tad put out when we spoke about it that they thought ,I had enough holidays & also had a partner to go with, So thought I wouldn’t mind .
In reality I don’t mind as such but it would be nice to be asked .

eazybee

While it happened it was exactly that wasn’t it a family tradition an annual family holiday . Nothing wrong with that & it’s part & parcel of memories .
New memories are made & to be fair I needn’t of mentioned this in my OP really .

I used to like spending time, one on one with my daughter.

That's part of the joy of having children - not particularly getting things paid for and taken care of by others, nice as that is.

I didn't always want others around.

I have never been on holiday with either of my adult children, but one lot loves camping, water sports, climbing, the other lot loves hot countries, so I wouldn’t want to go, but it would be nice to be asked, especially now I am on my own.
OP it seems you have to accept that the annual family holidays are over, but maybe you could arrange something special. How about a city break or a trip based on a particular event? You might have to pay for it though!

Not being included can be hurtful I know, sometimes things can seem petty or trivial to others but nobody can help how they feel. You will get over this and am sure you already know it, but no harm in getting it off your chest.

We do family holidays but 'as and when' ....this year I've taken my mum to Northumberland and london....then she will come with me and 2 AC to Croatia later in year .....then me and DP took x 3 GC to a caravan for a week......and next week I'm going abroad with DD DS1 and x 2 GC plus DP ......then in November all 4 generations going to the lakes for a few days ....the rest of the time we all do our own thing

We do family holidays, quite difficult to organise as there are 18 of us, and the older kids are now all teenagers, two are at uni and have boyfriends/ girlfriends etc. This year it was just a long weekend in the Uk, not a fortnight in France , but we had the best time. Next year there’s a special birthday so we will try to do something similar. The baton for organising seems to have passed from me to one of the AC and I’ve no problem with that! I did use to pay for everything, but no one expects that now.

On I met my husband never went on holiday with my parents. Our holidays where just us and the children until they where 16 when we told them they didn't have to come with us if they didn't want to. There is a 4 age gap between my children . Our son had his last holiday with us in 2003 which I am glad he got that as 3 months later my husband was diagnosed as terminal.

I went on my first holiday for 19 years in May on my own but did meet up with a Gransnetter ,parent and dog as they where not far from where I was staying . Didn't expect them to take me anywhere it was just we wanted to me but had a lovely time with them but we also did our own thing.

Going away in just under 4 weeks on my own . If my daughter asked me to go with them I wouldn't go . With young children they do different things to me plus my disability I am limited to what I want to do. I can't go abroad as I would never get up the steps and couldn't bear being crammed in with other people. My idea of hell would be a coach or cruise holiday. I love travelling by the train and travel assistance makes it so easy for me .

I am very independent and have things I can do but things I can't not physically able . Plus I have to have an accessible room so using Primer inn again .

I love my daughter and family very much but we live our own lives . And 3 days of the week have planned groups I go to. Holidays on my own are best for me .

I think you are expecting too much Things change and we need to accept that, of course your children and grandchildren aren’t going to always want to go away with you It may be your organisations and your traditions but I think they are telling you now that they want to do their own things perhaps not so family orientated and surely this is how it should be
I don’t want to upset you or be rude but you do sound a bit overpowering it’s your way, your traditions and that’s it

Enjoy your own holidays and let them enjoy theirs you don’t have to all be together to have a good time It was a lovely generous tradition while it lasted but they are telling you ( with their feet) it’s over

Give them space, alone with their families. There are two of you, do your own thing. Perhaps you don`t want to be alone with your husband.

Mine asked me and I refused, they are kind and considerate and so was I in refusing. They have such busy lives these days and so much stress, time alone with their immediate families is very precious

NanaTuesday, you had your lovely times with them, still see them all but gc got older and it’s now their time as a family to holiday as they choose. No point in making anything out if it a# it won’t alter anything and just cause resentment.Let it be..

BlueBelle

I think you are expecting too much Things change and we need to accept that, of course your children and grandchildren aren’t going to always want to go away with you It may be your organisations and your traditions but I think they are telling you now that they want to do their own things perhaps not so family orientated and surely this is how it should be
I don’t want to upset you or be rude but you do sound a bit overpowering it’s your way, your traditions and that’s it

Enjoy your own holidays and let them enjoy theirs you don’t have to all be together to have a good time It was a lovely generous tradition while it lasted but they are telling you ( with their feet) it’s over

Bluebelle
I find your response hilarious

Holidays can never be rigid family traditions. People get older, finances, tastes and perspectives change. Children grow up. You're clinging on to something that was never going to last. It just couldn't. It was of it's time and now it's time to move on. I would also ask whether you really want to go on holiday with adult children who, perhaps, would rather you made your own arrangements. Do you honestly want to be invited under sufferance? How can that be enjoyable for anyone involved.

flappergirl

Holidays can never be rigid family traditions. People get older, finances, tastes and perspectives change. Children grow up. You're clinging on to something that was never going to last. It just couldn't. It was of it's time and now it's time to move on. I would also ask whether you really want to go on holiday with adult children who, perhaps, would rather you made your own arrangements. Do you honestly want to be invited under sufferance? How can that be enjoyable for anyone involved.

Flappergirl ,
I am certainly not clinging on to anything but was merely stating the facts . Yes , I started what I thought of as a family tradition of taking GC away . It’s been made clear to me that it shouldn’t be a tradition & actually maybe I was wrong in thinking that & I can accept that point .
I/ we enjoyed that time when the GC were younger however just because they have grown & I have a partner / husband & can plan my own holidays with my DH / friends & or other family members ir shouldn’t mean I can’t be upset re my original post .
As a family we do a lot over the year , Christmas/Easter/ Birthdays all mostly organised by myself or DDx1 .
As in most families there is always one person who does the organising sets the tone & plans otherwise things wouldn’t happen .
So I have no idea why I am being told “ let it go “ stop clinging on “ !
Thats far from the truth here . I asked a question is all .

NanaTuesday - I get that you’re simply feeling upset about the change to holiday expectations.

We have a similar ‘tradition’ of annual multi generation family holidays - including my husband’s parents, our children and grandchildren. Since Covid we have not had a holiday where everyone has been included, but instead have had ‘split’ holidays with various family members. Our last holiday meant that we had to rent two houses to fit us all in, and then Covid hit and our children have started to take holidays at different times to fit in with their children’s school term dates.

This year marks a watershed in our holiday tradition as one of our children has booked a holiday cottage and is hosting us (and other family members) on a Christmas getaway. Next week our daughter is moving into holiday accommodation near us and her siblings, and has invited us all to join her as and when we can.

Plus ça change!

NanaTuesday, I don't think you're being petty, as this tradition over the past years has been a big part of your life, and something you've enjoyed and looked forward to. I can totally understand that you no doubt feel upset that it's come to an end, and particularly the fact that you feel you've been excluded from the family plans of a holiday abroad.

However, perhaps it's just their way of trying to say that they want something different now, without actually having to spell it out to you. It could be that now your GC are all getting older, they want something different, and they may have told this to their parents ... kids are not slow in coming forwards, and they would have no real idea that it would probably upset you so much. They may no longer want to go on a road trip around the UK with their grandparents, but instead want the excitement of a holiday abroad. Even close family can feel awkward/embarrassed about having to tell someone face to face that they want to change things.

I do understand the fact that your ex husband has been invited to join them makes you feel excluded. However, as you've said yourself, "he is the parent who has nothing else to do, and you are the parent who has a life outside of DC and GC." If he has no partner, and he doesn't have close friends that he can spend time/holidays with (particularly if they're mostly married couples), they possibly feel sorry for him, and wouldn't want to leave him alone. He's no doubt lonely. Whereas, you have a husband to spend your life with, to do enjoyable things together, to go on nice holidays as a couple, etc. Whose position would you rather be in?

You've already said that as a family you still do lots of things together, family gatherings, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, etc. So, I think you're going to have to accept the fact that your tradition of UK road trips with the GCs, as enjoyable as they were at the time, have now come to an end, as the families/children obviously want something different. Maybe, at some point, you will be invited to go with them all again, but perhaps they simply want to get out of the habit of everyone always having to go away together.

As an aside, I remember when our kids were growing up, we were caught up in the situation of having 'traditions' with our in-laws (both sets), and, frankly, after a few years, particularly as the kids were getting older, we really felt we wanted to get out of the habit and do our own things, to please ourselves. Remembering that, now we're GPs ourselves, with a very close relationship with our ACs & GCs, I've made a concerted effort not to encroach on their lives, and not to expect too much from them, as I know young families like to do their own things, and to make traditions of their own.

I hope you can overcome your upset/anger, and see it as a new phase in family life now the children are all getting older.
Book yourself a nice holiday with your DH, and enjoy the freedom of not having to consider what others might want to do.

NanaTuesday I don’t understand why you are so perplexed

Until last year , I have no idea what /why/how this happened but DDx1 booked a foreign holiday as did DS & we couldn’t match dates, meaning we went ourselves

It was a ‘tradition’ you started, and they went along with it for a few years but now it’s finished they are telling you they want to do their own thing and why ever not Did you take your parents on holiday with you every year I loved my mum and dad very much but they had their holidays, we had ours
Sorry if this sounds rude but you seem to have a Peter Pan idea that the children and grandchildren will always want to holiday with you and it’s just not reality. the grandchildren will all want their own holidays and the parents will want to have their time together not with their parents in tow
You have Christmas birthdays Easter ++ good grief that’s much much more than most of us

eazybee

I think most people take their children, grandchildren on holiday because they want to, not to set up a family tradition that will continue and be reciprocal.

Eazybee,
Mmm that’s not quite how it is at all .
It was or is that it was something I thought of as a tradition.
If it was for a few years then that’s it , so it was a tradition for those years .
I think everyone one here is very judgy 🤔

As a family we do a lot over the year , Christmas/Easter/ Birthdays all mostly organised by myself or DDx1 .
As in most families there is always one person who does the organising sets the tone & plans otherwise things wouldn’t happen .
So I have no idea why I am being told “ let it go “ stop clinging on “ !
That's far from the truth here . I asked a question is all .

NanaTuesday, you seem totally incapable of understanding that not all families want to spend all significant dates with your family members. No mention of sons/daughters in law and grandchildren who might just wish to be with their own relatives and friends.
As in most families there is always one person who does the organising, sets the tone (??) & plans otherwise things wouldn’t happen .
But does everyone else want them to happen or are they coerced into attending because there will be trouble from you if they don't? You have already cross-questioned your children about why they haven't included you in their holidays and despite their thin excuses which indicate 'because we don't want to' you are already attempting to organize, and control, next year.
I don't think you can let it go, but until you do it will make you increasingly unhappy as family attempts to edge away, rather than coming together spontaneously, if less frequently.

grannyactivist

NanaTuesday - I get that you’re simply feeling upset about the change to holiday expectations.

We have a similar ‘tradition’ of annual multi generation family holidays - including my husband’s parents, our children and grandchildren. Since Covid we have not had a holiday where everyone has been included, but instead have had ‘split’ holidays with various family members. Our last holiday meant that we had to rent two houses to fit us all in, and then Covid hit and our children have started to take holidays at different times to fit in with their children’s school term dates.

This year marks a watershed in our holiday tradition as one of our children has booked a holiday cottage and is hosting us (and other family members) on a Christmas getaway. Next week our daughter is moving into holiday accommodation near us and her siblings, and has invited us all to join her as and when we can.

Plus ça change!

grannyactivist
How wonderful that someone else has planned & invited you , a Christmas break away sounds wonderful.
TBH I could be over thinking but being told “ you have a partner “ was the bit that got me .
Yes but it is not the same as being invited even if I wasn’t able to accept due to having prior commitment’s .
We did have a conversation however about booking a family holiday at some point maybe next year so all is not lost on that front .

You asked AIBU. You are unreasonable to be expect to be asked but you aren't to be little hurt by not being. However, you have made your point to your family and if they weren't immediately apologetic, I think you just have to accept that things aren't going to be that way any more. Accept the worst and if you are included at some point, embrace the experience.

For many years my Mum and I did holidays with the children and the first time I booked one with my children and new partner, she booked to go in the same place at the same time. She then proceeded to invade our space at every opportunity. It just made me realise I had to forge my own path to cut the apron strings. I expect she felt I was unreasonable!

Have you decided how you are feeling about it all, NanaT? Not how you should feel – there are no shoulds in such cases – but how you actually do feel?

Just curious 🙂

Be thankful for small mercies. You enjoyed your time with your GC, but things change - you can’t expect your children to go away with you every year, and you’re lucky that you got to go away with them at all. I would love to go away, but the poor health of my DH won’t allow this, so make the most of the opportunity to go away at all!