DD’s wedding

Your situation has made me feel very sad, OP.
Smileless and others have expressed how I feel - particularly about your dogs. I couldn't leave my dog without being 100% certain I was happy with the arrangements, BUT please don't mention the dogs. That would not help the situation and everyone would instantly assume that you were prioritising the wrong thing.

You dread flying. I now have such a fear that it makes me ill. I won't fly. Surely your family know how you feel about that.

You have anxieties being in a social situation, feeling on show, feeling alone, staying in a big hotel, hate the heat.
OK it does sound as if you need some help with these anxieties but it's clear that you would be the last person to enjoy a Greek-based wedding (and you don't want to go.)

Then there's the cost! Weddings are expensive but, wow! -arranging them in another country and just assuming that everyone will be able to attend? Don't think that's very smart when getting married in a simple service in the UK, attended by friends and family, and then going off on a fabulous holiday/honeymoon must have some attractions.

I'm not sure your DD has thought this through as far as you are concerned, but you've said that they have been together for a long time and they have children. I'd imagine every Daughter would like her Mum to be at her wedding, but she's not exactly making it easy so should -once you've explained - be willing to accept that this trip is only going to cause you loads of anxiety and distress. Other family can easily 'help' with the children.

It looks as if a lot of your problems have merged to cause you to be in this situation but be brave, explain why you have to say no, do it soon, and then seriously think about making your life better - starting with a conversation with your Doctor.

I hope they're understanding and kind about this - should you decide not to go. I wish them happiness and that you will take action now to improve your own situation.

As your DD really wants you to go and it is quite a short plane ride, I wonder if you could compromise.. Just go out with the wedding party and come back after a couple of days.

If your GP prescribes some sort of sedative you could probably manage the journey back alone and will be so relieved to get back to your dogs..

or as someone suggested take a friend with you..

Grandmafrench (sorry I don’t know how to “tag”) there have been lots of really thoughtful and balanced responses, for which I am truly grateful, and your kindness, along with so many good, caring posters, is a credit to you. Thank you to all posters for taking the time to share your thoughts, it’s a great comfort.

You do not say whether your daugther is living in the country where she is going to be married, or marrying a man from that country, but it honestly makes no difference.

No daughter can be expected to understand that her mother refuses to attend her wedding. Nor can your propective son-in-law be expected to either.

Get your friend to look after the dogs in their own home - I am with you in that two old dogs will be happier in their home than in boarding kennels. As an animal owner I am shocked that you have not kept up your dogs' vaccinations, but there is time to rectify that if you would rather put them into a kennel.

Okay, so you dislike heat - stay in an air-conditioned hotel, drink plenty of fluids and wear loose clothing. Talk to your GP about fear of flying and what can be done about it.

If you don't go, you are basically telling your daughter that your dogs mean more to you than she does, so don't expect her to want to see you afterwards!

"useful for childcare"

Taking advantage, then 🤨

Weddings are over-rated. Often nowadays they are just glorified parties. No-one needs a party to get married, and it's being married – committed – that's important.

Spot on Bags, totally agree with your comment. Twiglet77, put yourself first, and do what you want to. Instead of paying out for flight etc to the wedding, give them a nice sum of money( if you can) as wedding present. I'm sure it'd be appreciated. Anxiety is a terrible condition and can make you feel really ill.

Baggs ( sorry)

I agree too much hoo ha over weddings, it's the quality of life thereafter. How your daughter views you not going only you can know that OP, not everyone has such rigid set in stone views on something that has a lot of onerous scenarios for twiglet to factor in.

I hate flying. Nothing would induce me to get on a plane ever again, no matter what the reason. If I couldn't get there by boat, rail or coach, forget it.
Don't feel bad. I bet if you made a list of pros and cons, the reasons for going would be much shorter than the reasons to stay home. Go with how you feel.

You have presented a long list of reasons why you can't go, and an long list of reasons to defeat any possible solution anyone might suggest.

I don’t know if (DD,) will ever forgive me if I don’t go, but I feel utterly sick and distraught at the prospect of being away from home.

So there it is.
You or her.
Which is it to be?

This is not about the wedding, it is about the anxiety is limiting your daily life

I agree talking to your gp

Would your dogs stay with someone at their home? Many dog sitters offer this. Or find a good kennel. I hate leaving my dog in one but I know he will be safe and well looked after. Your vet might offer some advice. However, if you really can’t deal with it then don’t go. They knew how you are yet still booked it!
Anxiety is an awful thing to deal with so you should speak to your GP.

Why should anyone have to cope with flying and social anxiety about large events? Flying and large social events are not necessary to live an otherwise normal life. Why medicate unnecessarily just to fit in unnecessarily with other people's rather large expectations?

Why are people so obsessed with weddings?

Fear of flying and utter discomfort in large, noisy social events is very common. People are expected to just accept all kinds of other ridiculous woke nonsense but seem to have difficulty accepting feelings that are actually quite normal.

For clsrity, I've no problem with flying but am definitely not a party animal. Why should I be?

Being a bit of a hermit used to be acceptable. Seems to me that's all the OP wants. And to care for her dogs. Good luck, twiglet.

Once again I do agree Baggs, one only has to read some of the threads over on MN to know how this sort of pressure impacts and causes real distress with some people who are put under duress to meet others expectations. Because that's what they are, a sense of over blown entitlement about the simple act of making a commitment to their partner. Everyone seems to forget the essence of making vows in these overblown events. Expecting guests to spend considerable amounts of money and in this case overcome extreme anxiety, I empathise, in spite of umpteen flights around the world, I now hate and fear flying. I don't accept the argument that the OP is somehow proving that by not going she is not putting her daughter first, on the contrary I think her daughter, is not being empathetic about her mother's very real anxieties which are shared by many, if she does expect her to unequivocally go along with what is a tall order.

Beach weddings, weddings abroad, just why? (Unless one party is from another country).
It’s all just daft to me. They already have children so it sounds like party time and photos for Insta 🙄

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I can sympathise. We're about to fly on a holiday that is really for DHs benefit. He has a big operation looming and is keen for some warmth as he has arthritis. Fortunately our DCs are looking after our dogs between them .The only time we've used a kennel in recent years as we were all at a wedding our old boy really was unhappy.And even with someone popping in wouldnt leave them overnight alone.But I'm a homebird at heart.None of our DDs have opted for the big wedding or would have the budget or expect us all to travel for one.Sorry I'm not helping !Just saying we're all different and some of us hate big 'do's'.I do hope you can either find some way to ease your anxiety and go. Or stay at home without too much upset if you can't.
I often think life must have been simpler when couples had a simple wedding reception.And no multiple hen and stag dos.!

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

Wow, judgemental much? You don't think crippling anxiety counts as a serious mental health problem?

twiglet77

I’m grateful for the tips, thank you. I hadn’t thought of talking to my GP.

I’m very much a loner and don’t have friends, my siblings are older (late 70s, I’m 68), and in poor health. And whilst a small apartment sounds less frightening than a hotel, I wouldn’t know anyone else and would have to get around on my own and use taxis or buses. That’s a dreadful prospect in my nearest town, let alone on a Greek island.

The moment I finished reading your OP I instantly thought “my goodness, this sounds like crippling anxiety”.

I am sorry you are dealing with it. It’s definitely life-limiting, so please do speak with your doctor.

Going to go against the grain and say that while I understand how your children feel, they should have a bit more compassion and see that your reluctance to travel is more pathologic than practical. Rather than guilting you, it would help to actively find ways to support your effort to go. If you need it, ask for help to make arrangements for your dogs and accommodations.

Sometimes asking for help is hard, especially after being somewhat dismissed. Parents and their children should be open to each in the least confrontational ways possible. Speak to them. Let them know you need help without complaining about their choices. Younger people these days tend be more open about mental health issues.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I'm an introvert and shy as well. No MH social issues. I'd not go.

However, I believe there are many with anxiety MH issues. Who should judge another's anxiety, be it to social events or not?

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I’m sorry but I disagree. Anxiety can ruin a life, it can be totally debilitating,
It’s not like a small worry.

It’s similar to depression, depression isn’t just feeling “fed up”.

You may be able to cope, but many cannot.

Please don’t “belittle” anxiety as it can be a very serious mental health issue.

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

This comment is truly lacking in compassion.. the poster is clearly suffering from anxiety and if she can gain some relief from it through medication that can only be a good thing.