DD’s wedding

Tigerpaws57

Can't believe so many people think it's appropriate to visit a GP with what is basically a social issue. Loads of advice online for handling situational anxiety. No wonder the GP service is overwhelmed and struggling to help people with serious mental and physical health problems.

I am surprised you are not more supportive, anxiety can be life changing and lead on to more life limiting conditions. The NHS recommends approaching your GP for help and advice. If you can't demonstrate empathy you could simply scroll on.

Not read the whole thread. But where is abroad? France, Spain - or the other side of the world.

I could not imagine not going to one of my DDs weddings, truly. Get help with anxiety, have a trial with dogs in local kennels, for 1 night, then 2 or 3. It depends how far 'abroad' is. If you don't attend, don't be surprised if your relationship does not alter.

Thank you again. Taking on board suggestions to see my GP, I was thinking in terms of flying, not issues around social anxiety. I can live with that as I rarely have to face social situations (is it no longer acceptable to be a hermit?), I have Rescue Remedy and Kalms. It’s not even actually the flight, I hate being locked in with lots of people.

I should have worded it differently and not got in a tizz and waffled:

1) has any mum opted out of attending their child’s destination wedding? (To the poster who asked, the couple live here - England - they just love hot sunny destinations, it might have been Mexico).

2) is it utterly unfair to leave the dogs here, with my neighbours popping round often through the day? They’re calm, kind, well mannered small dogs and apart from barking at the postman, in between meals and walks they will sleep.

On booster vaccinations I share the view of most (possibly all?) holistic vets that they’re unnecessary, certainly when the initial puppy (or kitten) course has been given. My vet is still an independent family practice, thank goodness, not taken over by one of the big groups that push chemicals that make them a lot of money, but aren’t automatically in the best interests of the animal. We don’t give children a yearly MMR, or diphtheria or tetanus booster, nor drop neurotoxins on their necks each month to prevent them from getting nits. We treat conditions if and when they arise. There are kennels and home boarders who will accept a titre test instead of boosters, but the only ones I know around here have large numbers of dogs, and I think the stress of that environment, to both my old girl and my tiny yorkie, would be far worse than being at home without me. I can’t have a dog sitter staying here, the house is… too quirky… but the neighbours’ house is too, so mine doesn’t faze them!

I’ll think on.

The wedding is on a Greek island.

Clearly going to your DDs wedding will cause you massive anxiety. It's not just about the dogs is it ? Such a stressful time for you just thinking about it. If you don't go your DD should understand, marrying abroad always causes problems for family and guests - they made that decision and you are entitled to make yours.
You know what you can and can not do ! Explain to your DD and yes, she may be disappointed but getting married abroad and expecting people to attend with all the stress and expense involved is asking a lot - even from a parent. I can ' feel' your
distress in your post. Put your mind at rest and let her know it is just too much for you. She should understand, tell her you love her and are looking forward to the photos/ video of their special day. Be brave and put yourself first on this occasion.

Bless you. Don't put yourself and your beloved dogs through this. It is not worth it, especially if you have been excluded from the planning and will be used for childcare. Can't understand couples who have lived together for years and have children wanting to have a big wedding.

Nuttynanna2

Bless you. Don't put yourself and your beloved dogs through this. It is not worth it, especially if you have been excluded from the planning and will be used for childcare. Can't understand couples who have lived together for years and have children wanting to have a big wedding.

I agree. The OP’s daughter must know her mum well enough to understand how she feels about social occasions and having to leave her dogs. Having someone check on them a couple of times a day isn’t imo an option ( I did that once and my dog was taken ill while I was away; I’ve never forgiven myself for it) and it’s unfair putting them through a course of injections so they can go into kennels, especially as they won’t just be boosters but a full course.

It really is up to you whether you go or not. I’m not a fan of big 4 day party weddings. My daughter is having one soon, I’m relieved in England. Much as I love a Greek Island a 4 day party wouldn’t make me a happy MOB

Our wedding is short notice and the first thing I did was book my dog boarder. I couldn’t leave my dogs home alone I’d find a way round it and give apologies if need be

Weddings are so different than when I married. We went to the registry office then had a party at home. Now it’s big weddings, often over a few days and sometimes abroad. This fashion will change. I don’t feel critical or negative about the current fashion, it just is.

Best of luck deciding

A four day extravaganza that you don't want to go to sounds a nightmare. Will there even be anyone else your age there or will you just be tagging along? Has your daughter thought it through? Suppose you really can't cope and she is faced with you having panic attacks? Much better to come and see you afterwards with photos and stories. You really need to talk all this through with her now and let her know how ill just thinking about it is making you feel.

Surely your daughter knows you well enough to know it will be a huge ordeal for you.

personally I could never leave dogs all day with just a neighbour popping in.

I think some people get so carried away with planning weddings overseas that they don’t consider the effect on guests. Some people can’t afford it, some feel like you, some hate flying.

One of my nieces and her boyfriend went to Vegas to get married alone because her Mum and Dad split up many years ago and cannot even be in the same room.

So if it is all too much, and if you can, offer to pay for a smaller, more intimate celebration of their wedding for a few close family and/or close friends, you feel comfortable with, aftr their return.

Would it help to talk to your daughter and tell her how anxious and upset you are about this? Surely she would not take offence, after all she has chosen the venue and presumably she must have an idea that it will be extremely difficult for you to go. Apart from the dogs and your anxiety, given that there are repair issues in your home, surely paying for air fares and accommodation would give extra pressure? Does your daughter not realise this?

I agree with those who say if a couple chooses to marry abroad, it is inevitable that some people either don't want to attend or can't attend.

I don't think you will enjoy it. Will your DD understand?
At least her brother will not feel she's being prioritised as you didn't go to his either!
Why people go in for weddings abroad on tropical islands, I have no idea.

My DS was asked to be best man at his friend's wedding in Singapore on Christmas day. He didn't go.

Stay with your dogs.

I can" t advise you, I can only say what I would do if I was worried about 2 dogs, dreaded flying, hated hot weather and felt awful in social situations. I would thank my daughter for her invitation but say unfortunately it is just too much for me to to deal with. However, because I cannot cope with a wedding abroad and all that it entails I would very much like to host a family celebration when you return from Greece.

I would speak to your gp about your anxiety and see if they can or rh sos prescribe something to help. Even temporarily. I think your daughter may well forgive you for not going if she knows how you are BUT I would never ever forgive myself for missing my child’s wedding. And walking around with all that dear and anxiery can’t be fun or easy. It’s so so common and so easy to get help do yourself te favor of talking to your gp .

You seem to have a lot of issues here -why can’t you sort out your house ? You seem to think it’s unacceptable for anyone to stay in. How close a relationship do you have with your daughter? Does your anxiety prevent you from doing other things you’d maybe like to but tell yourself you don’t? I can’t imagine being in a situation where a short flight to a beautiful location and an important wedding would create such difficulties.

vegansrock

You seem to have a lot of issues here -why can’t you sort out your house ? You seem to think it’s unacceptable for anyone to stay in. How close a relationship do you have with your daughter? Does your anxiety prevent you from doing other things you’d maybe like to but tell yourself you don’t? I can’t imagine being in a situation where a short flight to a beautiful location and an important wedding would create such difficulties.

Bit harsh, that . My house has lots of problems ( including a leaky roof) too due to being divorced and on a small pension. Some people’s lives are like that. And I, too, suffer from social anxiety; it’s quite common y’know.

I think the invite was a token gesture. The daughter must be very aware of her mother’s issues.
Of course she had to extend the invitation but knowing full well what the answer would be.

My DS was married 20 years ago in The Dominican Republic. I didn't go (nor did most of my family) as I could not afford the cost, at the time. It was mostly their friends and DIL's family

They were disappointed obviously, but it hasn't affected our relationship. They had a party for everyone who didn't make it later on locally.

I agree with everything Baggs has said. Too much is made of big weddings. It is the marriage afterwards which is more important.

Oh Twiglet I do emphasise, I love people, get on well with most and like going places but the older I get the more difficult I find ‘big dos’ and parties and travel I feel anxious and an outsider even if I m not. I don’t go out that much and always have an excuse for anything over 3 or 4 people I ve never really been that comfortable with parties although I ve been to plenty luckily I have understanding kids particularly my eldest daughter who looks out for me if I do have to go anywhere out of the ordinary
Your situation would throw me too so I totally understand
My eldest grandaughter got married in NZ where she lives and luckily it was end of Covid times so I had an excuse but there is no way I could now do a long haul and I would have hated the big do they had and felt very overwhelmed … anyway that was 3 years ago and she’s awaiting a divorce and with someone else now 🤣
I think your daughter should know and understand you better you re not purposely avoiding her wedding she seems to have little empathy for you
I think there is far too much emphasise put on these big expensive weddings
Do what you are capable of Twiglet and don’t beat yourself up You are what you are …if you had a physical illness they would probably be more empathic
X

Maybe and Twiglet I too have a very old house with problems (damp in some bedrooms , leaky conservatory) we don’t all have the money to fix things I just live in hope that it lasts longer than me

When one of my kids said they were planning on getting married abroad, long haul destination, I wished them well and told them I wouldn't be there. It was lots of money, staying in a remote holiday place with my ex and all his family, my husband is disabled and couldn't go and I wasn't prepared to go and leave him for a minimum of a week.

All this rubbish about you have to go you'll regret it they will never forgive you. 20years on and none of that happened.

twiglet77

I meant to add, my son’s wife is Chinese and I didn’t go out there for their wedding 8 years ago, my ex and his partner did, but not my DDs, and my son still reminds me how disappointed they were.

I don’t understand the vogue for destination weddings, where it costs the guests a fortune to attend, and I do think it’s an insane waste of money, but that’s not my prime worry.

This is what stands out for me, twiglet. Before this post I was all set to advise on what you could consider doing to enable you to go to your daughter’s wedding. But you didn’t go to your son’s, neither did his sisters, and he had every reason to be marrying abroad. How would he feel now if you moved heaven and earth to go to his sister’s wedding, which is being held abroad not because one of them lives there, but just because that’s what the bride and groom fancy doing? Surely this is your get out clause. It’s entirely their choice, of course, but guests shouldn’t feel obliged to go along with it if they don’t want to.

You have very genuine and justifiable reasons to decline your daughter’s wedding invitation, twiglet. Please do not waste any more valuable time worrying about upsetting her. She must be aware of your anxiety issues, so shouldn’t be surprised, especially as you didn’t attend your son’s wedding. Let her know as soon as possible, then get on with your life. 💐

And to anyone who says Twiglet is making it all about her, I think not, on the contrary this is all about the daughter and her unreasonable desires to hold what is essentially a party on a Greek island (as lovely as they are) nevertheless it won't be conduicive for some to put in place onerous arrangements to go, even without anxiety about flying and overwhelming social situations. There is the expense! the daughter has been with partner for a while, there are children. I mean people who want others to drop everything for such an occasion "get over yourself, it's a tall order, fine if guests are happy to accommodate your wishes, not all will be, don't be surprised about that" I agree with others, it's a different scenario when one half of the couple come from overseas where the wedding is going to take place, even then not always doable for some guests to attend depending on circumstances. I wish you well in seeking a satisfactory resolution twiglet and sympathise with your predicament.