Friends who "disappear" ;

MayBee70

We would drive up mountains in it and pass all the fancy cars that couldn’t cope! When we filled up in garages people would point to her incredulously saying ‘Baum’. After I’d learned to drive in her, when I was a passenger in another car my foot would be going for the brake wondering why the driver was leaving it so late. It was a sad day when she eventually failed an MOT and was beyond help. My ex had actually bought a welding kit to keep her going; he became so proficient at it that the garage offered him a job. She went on to provide spares for another Moggie. I still have her number plate.

Omg my parents had 2 Morris Travellers one after the other! As we lived in a half-timbered Tudor cottage, it seemed appropriate

Being ill at the end of the cruise may have caused some of the problem, because apparently how things end stays longer in our minds than the many days before. So for instance you will hear people say something like this : 'We had a great hotel and we all enjoyed xyz, but then just before we were due to leave it all went wrong when abc happened and spoilt it all' So this may have impacted on how they felt about the whole experience - not logical, but seems to be not uncommon. A bad experience at the end, seems to 'contaminate' what may have been good experiences earlier on. Of course I cannot know what really happened and hope you can move on without distress and remember the good things.

Sometimes you have to accept that you are never going to know why a friendship ended. In my experience people avoid explaining. You just have to leave things unfinished which always feels uncomfortable.

How does the saying go - familiarity breeds contempt. How true that is. The number of people I have known who gone on holiday, generally with family , fall out and never speak again.

Our old Morris Traveller - my favourite car ever! After many years we sold it for a profit too, luxuriant growth of moss included.

You may wish they'd explain but some people prefer silence. I suspect your friends are the latter, supposing you feel as they do - done.

Sadgrandma (I’m sorry you’re sad) says it perfectly. After illness it’s perfectly possible they really can’t be bothered with anything . If they instigated the daily chats then perhaps it’s hard for them if you are instigating them now … Leave it another 6 weeks and then say something like Sadgrandma said or send a card etc . Sometimes friends disappear for no reason . A long cruise together and illness may have been too much …!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Jampanda. I had a good friend of many years ‘ghost’ me for no apparent reason. I learnt from another friend many years later that she had felt jealous towards me when her marriage started failing, so I know just how hurtful this can be and how many hours spent analysing the situation were in fact wasted!

It could be that in reality they were just fair weather friends and resented the assistance they gave you at the end of the holiday, despite the fact that they had invited themselves along. There is old saying ‘friends are for a reason, a season or a lifetime’. Maybe they were just there for a season.

Of all the comments MissRedd’s stand out for her kindness and Sadgrandma for her excellent advice should you choose to follow it.

I do hope you’re fully recovered from pneumonia, it certainly wasn’t a great end to the holiday but hope the happy memories make up for it. Let us know what happens!

I had a friend whom I had known for many years. We both moved to different parts of the country. I wanted to keep in contact but although we had a response it was over 12 months later and obviously she did not want to keep in real contact as she did not provide her new address
Another family we knew moved and we suggested meeting up but no response . So sad when your memory is of good times but something obviously went astray in the friendship
I feel for you but I think it is time to move on and start a new friendship

Jampanda ,
How awful for you to be told this ,but you know it could all be some5ing & nothing .Maybe they have really suffered from what ever it was you all picked up on that cruise .

How about sending a card through the post ,simple words hello ,thinking of you . Desist telling them what you have been doing & just ask after them .

On the subject of holidays with friends many years back I had my very 1st NY CITY break , very exciting it was myself a friend of then 30 plus ( our children met as 5 year olds )her DS who I knew & SIL who I didn’t know .

None of us had been to the US before , My friend fell out with her DS ( they had also shared a room) the fall out was so bad the DS wanted to get a flight home .
I ended up for the rest of the break consoling HER the DS sharing my room with her .
Then to add insult to injury , at the airport JFK we were asked to take a different flight giving us another nights stay ,courtesy of the airline ( do they still do this btw) my friend declined & as she was the driver ,I felt I had been short changed .We remained free of sorts but it petered out some 15 years ago for no apparent reason she stopped all contact ,oddly

Something may have happened to them that you don't know about which might have caused them to lack the energy to respond to daily chats. Suggest you do as others have said and leave it for a few months.

It's horrible for you, not knowing why, but you never know, you might suddenly get a message from them. Best not to chase them at all and remember the reason for no contact might not be anything to do with you!

We have been away with a couple we've known for years several times. Each time it takes us several months to get over it! We are still very fond of them, and they are good friends but little habits and attitudes become magnified on holiday and we need a while to recover! Maybe being ill didn't help. Usually cruises are good for travelling together because we can do our own thing in the day then meet up for dinner in the evening to share the days news and a show. But what's apping every day sounds a bit much. Maybe give them a break for a while.

We went on holiday for several years with our closest friends. We each had our own accommodation and did some things together and some apart. It worked. We “chat” most days but don’t expect an immediate reply, or any reply necessarily. That works too.

A DAILY chat? What, are you courting?

I can relate to several elements of this unhappy situation. When our children were tots we met up with another couple with a child the same age and became "lifelong" friends with the entire family. We shared holidays, weekly quiz nights, met wider family, meals out etc etc. Suddenly after abt 30 years, the wife stopped contact with me (she only lived round the corner) and when I asked why she said "You know full well and I am not discussing it". I did not have a clue what she meant and neither did our several joint friends (nor her husband). She now has dementia and I'd love to offer support to her DH but I can't bring myself to.

I made another friend abt 20 years ago having found him researching a branch of my family tree and we were distantly related. We got on like a house on fire, emailed daily, met up with him and his wife many times though we didn't live close. Suddenly the tone of his emails changed - he started to pick me up on things I had said - one example he quoted was that I had said I was much cleverer than my work colleagues. It was totally untrue - what I had said was that I knew more about a particular ASPECT of my work than any of my colleagues due to having a personal interest in that area, but was clear to point out that other colleagues were equally expert in other areas. I got fed up of his constant criticism and ceased the contact.

In later years we went on holiday with another couple (known for decades) and whilst we had no arguments or falling out it became clear that the husband was irritated by us not wanting to be ready for the off every day at the crack of dawn. It became obvious that we weren't good holiday companions.

Then we discovered cruising and made some lovely friends, all of whom have stayed in touch and shared several more (long) cruises together, but we each do our own thing most of the time in terms of on-board activities and shore trips, even eating separately. Nevertheless, we tend to meet up for mid-morning coffee and after-dinner drinks or watching a show together. We also visit each other now and again throughout the year and phone every couple of months. We are all very different people with different life experiences (and financial situations) but we just get along well on our cruises.

Re your friends, I would ring them up - Whatsapp is great but you can't gauge a person's feelings in a message. Just say "Hi, just making sure you are both okay. Hope you eventually recovered from that awful bug. I wonder if you'd like to meet up for lunch sometime, for a catchup?" and see what the response is.

Allsorts

I wouldn't want a daily chat on what's app personally.

Nor me. My idea of hell. I avoid that type of thing but we joined a Stroke group and that’s the way they share news, dates etc. drives me mad pinging all the time.

I don’t have daily chats with anyone, not even my children 🥲

Do you think the problem may be theirs, rather than yours? By which I mean that maybe this husband and wife have discovered that they don’t actually like each other very much after a five week cruise together and are struggling with this, which is why they have not been in contact. Just a thought.

I think maybe give them a phone call asking how they are. We have close friends we have holidayed with many times over the years and we become very close on holiday and miss each other on return home missing the daily contact. I just wonder if they are ok

We went away for years with a couple who were not actually day to day friends but we enjoyed the same things on holiday. We got back and swapped photos and usually went out a month or so later to "re-live". This did not happen and it was about 6 months later we found they had split up.
Had friends for 20 years, every Saturday they came for lunch, we are godparents to their son. We moved away but kept in touch every week . Their daughter invited us to her wedding which we went, lots of fun, but following morning it was as if we did not exist - and sudden silence - they split up and neither wanted to stay in touch, even though they did with a mutual friend.

Personally, my husband and I like to vacation alone. We like to decide what to do and where to go on our own. Other couples may want to do it their way, eat certain foods, go to museums, etc. We like to choose where to eat and when and we take it easy when we go sightseeing. We do vacation with my parents, but their family and they do not judge. Friends are just that, friends. When we’re on vacation, it’s our quality time to spend together. And, we enjoy our privacy.

They may be experiencing something personal that they don't wish to discuss.

They were being honest when they said they found it claustrophobic. I would admire and respect that

Give it a little while and phone them asking if they are okay and that you understand?

WhatsApp text chats don’t work for many reasons. Lack of facial gestures which add to communication and convey mood

An old fashioned friendly hand written chatty letter might help.

Don’t give up. Be gentle with them and yourselves.

Pick up the mirror not the magnifying glass.

It’s good that friends come and go. Just imagine if we kept all the friends we’ve ever had 🤷‍♀️

Maybe Petra but old friends often know us best.

My mother-in-law has a dear friend she has known for nearly 90 years. They have been through so much together and the laughter and joy their (now long distance) relationship gives them is palpable.

It is with her very old friend that my mother-in-law is truly herself.

Give them a ring, you can’t gain much info from text messages. You’ve been really close over the years and id be worried about them. Hope they’re okay.