Is what I have done so very wrong?.

Oh dear! You have a relationship with the staff too.
She's probably tired, and will probably forget it. Anyway leave this alone, and time will heal everything.

All her friends feel the same? If I were to relate your story to my daughter who is around your daughter’s age, she will say that your daughter is very rude to you and needs to get over herself.

Oh boy. The generation today just wants to boss their parents around, and they know they can especailly if the grandparents want to see their grandkids.

You are lucky that maybe this isn't a deal breaker. But start walking on those eggshells, be careful or you will find yourself either partially or totally estranged if she can make other arrangments for help.

I would advise, just say you feel bad you upset her and will not do that sort of thing again without first asking her.

Yes, now we parents must ask please can I mommy to our own stuck up power hungry children.

I say stuck up because they really think they know better, set rules according to what others decide is a boundry (here's a hint....boundries can be any ol thing they can think of) and decide you will comply or bye bye.

Compassion and understanding are not part of the "new boundries" regulation psych laws, if you will.

It's this new psychology of me, me and me. My parents don't matter, heck even my kids don't, if I feel like it, because I'm young and the boss of them all!

Well, one day they will get old and find out, they can be fired too. New bosses will take their place.

Starfire - I'm never really quite sure what is meant by this word "boundaries" that is bandied around a lot these days. To me - there is "consideration and good manners" on the one hand and "unacceptable behaviour" on the other hand. That's it - job done re describing behaviour.

One can't realistically adapt and adapt again according to what age, sex, nationality, self-identification, etc someone wishes to proclaim themselves to be. Just standard consideration to everyone and obviously don't treat women worse than men and it's "Job Done" and conduct appropriate. We can't turn round to everyone and say "What sex do you wish to say you are? What nationality do you wish to say you are?" etc etc in order to fit in with some personal "code of conduct" they've decided on personally.

I’m so sorry this has happened because it feels awful when we upset our grown up children. Even when we never mean to do it. Like you I’ve helped with childcare with both of my Grands. And at the end of their time in nursery before they moved up to ‘big’ school I have given a £100 donation and a card. Because the teachers are simply amazing. And I’ve built a relationship with them. And they’ve shown nothing but love and joy to all the kiddies there. My daughter can be sensitive at times but even she thought it a wonderful gesture. We have to be allowed to still be ourselves and behave accordingly when we’re looking after these little humans and following the non negotiable instructions from their parents.

I do hope this calms. It’s a horrid feeling.

CariadAgain

Starfire - I'm never really quite sure what is meant by this word "boundaries" that is bandied around a lot these days. To me - there is "consideration and good manners" on the one hand and "unacceptable behaviour" on the other hand. That's it - job done re describing behaviour.

One can't realistically adapt and adapt again according to what age, sex, nationality, self-identification, etc someone wishes to proclaim themselves to be. Just standard consideration to everyone and obviously don't treat women worse than men and it's "Job Done" and conduct appropriate. We can't turn round to everyone and say "What sex do you wish to say you are? What nationality do you wish to say you are?" etc etc in order to fit in with some personal "code of conduct" they've decided on personally.

Most trans persons understand that it's not easy for people to break old habits of gendered language.

Alexis

I’m so sorry this has happened because it feels awful when we upset our grown up children. Even when we never mean to do it. Like you I’ve helped with childcare with both of my Grands. And at the end of their time in nursery before they moved up to ‘big’ school I have given a £100 donation and a card. Because the teachers are simply amazing. And I’ve built a relationship with them. And they’ve shown nothing but love and joy to all the kiddies there. My daughter can be sensitive at times but even she thought it a wonderful gesture. We have to be allowed to still be ourselves and behave accordingly when we’re looking after these little humans and following the non negotiable instructions from their parents.

I do hope this calms. It’s a horrid feeling.

Exactly. Any good parent is going to feel dreadful if they upset their kid; no need for ghosting or extreme anger, just the idea we may have upset them is enough punishment. But when they decide to go the extreme anger, threats or ghost route, that's just vindictive. Especially if the parent apologizes.

And they really should let little things slide, because we are not capable to change our whole personality/beliefs/morals or who we are as people, because nobody can, not us or them.

The generation of tolerance and acceptance does neither when it comes to their parents. Guess we aren't human like they are. It's hypocracy at it's finest.

You met staff, you found tgem pleasant, helful saw them doing their job, why can't you acknowledge tgat abd give a Thank You gift. Your DD is way out of line. You do mention a new baby, any chance some post natal depression has kicked in given her extreme reaction?

CariadAgain

Starfire - I'm never really quite sure what is meant by this word "boundaries" that is bandied around a lot these days. To me - there is "consideration and good manners" on the one hand and "unacceptable behaviour" on the other hand. That's it - job done re describing behaviour.

One can't realistically adapt and adapt again according to what age, sex, nationality, self-identification, etc someone wishes to proclaim themselves to be. Just standard consideration to everyone and obviously don't treat women worse than men and it's "Job Done" and conduct appropriate. We can't turn round to everyone and say "What sex do you wish to say you are? What nationality do you wish to say you are?" etc etc in order to fit in with some personal "code of conduct" they've decided on personally.

Yes. I hate the term boundries.....it reminds me of drawing a line of your own invention and then daring someone cross it.

It's bullying others to conform to what they want you to do without exception.

Cross the line and you will be punished. Is it a fair line, or a just line, a kind line or just a plain old line with no meaning other to push another behind it? Is that line a bit narcissistic, authoritarian, and plain bullying?

Many times, it is. And only applies to the person or person's most likely to be afraid to cross it; the ones who care the most.

As you say, be kind, thoughtful considerate and have respect for others and they you. Simple. No need to draw a line.

When people do abusive, mean things, then that's a whole different thing. But that's not what today's boundries are about; it's more about nit picking and demanding certain behavior, or else.

I see it as a control method. Easily made rules without any consideration that expectations might be too high.

Relationships should not be like being in the military. But many are these days. Too many rules, it's exhausting and stressful and I think it becomes too much. Then comes the estrangement, whether complete or partial, it hurts.

Then they wonder where all the compassionate, caring people in the world went. Well, you would'nt let them be themselves and sent them all away, dummy.

And sometimes the people who seem perfect are, in reality, people who don't actually care all that much.

It's pretty easy to say "I'm here for you"; but harder to get involved and risk messing up because you feel so strongly to try and help someone you care about.

My daughter's hero's are her friends. None of them stayed around, they moved all over the place, but they say they are always there for her. Well, how convinient they are so many miles away.

None of them cried when the bad things happened to her; they just said they were there for her. Nobody tried to help or do something, they just said we are here to listen.

Nothing wrong with all that, but, again, pretty darn easy and doesn't involve much emotional investment.

So sitting and listening. While doing nothing to help. Nor feeling so bad they cry for days. Just carry on with their lives. Wow. Big deal. Easy peasy if you ask me.

Yet mom's cry for days, sometimes years, and they do try to help, even if it doesn't work out, they will try anything for their child.

Then that somehow gets turned into interferring, and making it about them.

That in itself is illogical; if nothing happened to the mom, how could their tears be about them? Since when is extreme empathy a bad thing for a parent to have?

Yeah, I tried to help. Didn't work out. Should have stayed out of it all looking back. Let it be. Stop feeling her pain and just carry on, like her friends. Then maybe I would have been her hero too?

Doubtful. Still would have ended up being a bad mom, because, I cared enough to invest my time and emotions. Wasted time.

Oh, and how cool is it that when one of her friends finally told off her ex, she was a great friend for doing that, but when I did it early on, I was "harrassing" her ex?

See how that works? Inconsistant "boundries" for us parents I guess.

And I liked the guy. He did nothing to me, at all. I should have been his best friend for all the credit I got.

What is the matter with younger women nowadays? People don't seem to be able to do anything right for them. You have been very kind doing all those school trips for her, what a help! I wouldn't have committed to that.
Of course you did nothing wrong, it's a kind gesture. Perhaps she'll mature once she gets to 40? When I was a headteacher, I did notice that parents seemed to get less OTT after that!
Put it down to pregnancy hormones. Just carry on being kind and hope she calms down. It's very upsetting when they say they "want space" but hopefully she will gradually come round.

Yes. I hate the term boundries.....it reminds me of drawing a line of your own invention and then daring someone cross it.
It's bullying others to conform to what they want you to do without exception.
Cross the line and you will be punished. Is it a fair line, or a just line, a kind line or just a plain old line with no meaning other to push another behind it? Is that line a bit narcissistic, authoritarian, and plain bullying?
Many times, it is. And only applies to the person or person's most likely to be afraid to cross it; the ones who care the most.

Absolutely this! My cousins' daughter went low contact with her mother, who was devastated, because she hadn't "respected her boundaries". Setting Boundaries mean that you want everyone to obey your wishes, regardless of what anyone else might want. Based on some fantasy interpretation of what the mother had done in the past, or might do in the future.
I don't know what has happened to young women nowadays, so many of them seem completely flakey.

I think people like your daughter behave in the way they do because they are not challenged enough about their behaviour. Perhaps if she is told she is being ungrateful, entitled and bullying you to her demands, she will have to think about how inappropriately she has reacted to people's good manners and support. If she's not told, stand by for the next verbal and emotional assault.

Although I did a lot of the ferrying to pre school I never gave any of the staff presents, but I don't think my daughter did either. Possibly she might have taken in a card. But I can't imagine her caring if I had bought a present, She was just glad to have the boys looked after, and hopefully finishing each day in one piece. Presumably this is just the hormones talking, because otherwise it seems very petty.

Goodness me, what an overreaction! It is none of your daughter's business to whom you give a gift and thanks. Would she accept censure from you in the same way? She was quite happy to accept the 'gift' of your time and commitment taking your GD to preschool then treats you as an errant servant. As for "all her friends would feel the same", what is she 12? Smacks of the juvenile "all my friends are allowed/going/don't have to" claim children make to their parents.
Now she needs space from you, I wonder if that will last beyond actually needing your help in future, or will she expect immediate compliance with her wishes? People behave in entitled and rude ways because they're permitted to. In my opinion she owes you an apology, pregnancy and/or recent childbirth may play havoc with the hormones but do not excuse downright rudeness and inconsideration. You did absolutely nothing wrong.

Do you think it may be hormones if she’s recently had another baby? I know I was easily upset when I was a new young mum! It will pass and things will get back to normal - just be patient and she’ll come round I’m sure

RillaofIngleside

Yes. I hate the term boundries.....it reminds me of drawing a line of your own invention and then daring someone cross it.
It's bullying others to conform to what they want you to do without exception.
Cross the line and you will be punished. Is it a fair line, or a just line, a kind line or just a plain old line with no meaning other to push another behind it? Is that line a bit narcissistic, authoritarian, and plain bullying?
Many times, it is. And only applies to the person or person's most likely to be afraid to cross it; the ones who care the most.

Absolutely this! My cousins' daughter went low contact with her mother, who was devastated, because she hadn't "respected her boundaries". Setting Boundaries mean that you want everyone to obey your wishes, regardless of what anyone else might want. Based on some fantasy interpretation of what the mother had done in the past, or might do in the future.
I don't know what has happened to young women nowadays, so many of them seem completely flakey.

Flakey is an understatement. They've hardened their hearts because they hear too much about "toxic parents" and how they didn't ask to be born so they don't need their parents once they become inconvenient in any way.

It is a form of self centered and whether or not it was intended to create family division, modern therapy tries to focus so much on self that throwing away family is always a way to do that if they give you any trouble. No matter how minor. It is about obeying, completely.

Your poor cousin. I know what she is going through. Wish I had the answer on how to fix it.

StoneofDestiny

I think people like your daughter behave in the way they do because they are not challenged enough about their behaviour. Perhaps if she is told she is being ungrateful, entitled and bullying you to her demands, she will have to think about how inappropriately she has reacted to people's good manners and support. If she's not told, stand by for the next verbal and emotional assault.

You are quite correct. Problem is the power they have when grandkids are in the picture. That's where I am now...although I cry all the time over her, I have reached a point where I wouldn't mind never seeing her again. But I adore my grandkids and that would be too much to lose. So telling her off isn't on the table. So I stay silent. But I do correct any of her misconception or incorrect accusatioms or digs. I defend myself because I really feel she's looking for reasons to totally estrange and I refuse to hand those to her on a silver platter.

GrannySue2010

Do you think it may be hormones if she’s recently had another baby? I know I was easily upset when I was a new young mum! It will pass and things will get back to normal - just be patient and she’ll come round I’m sure

Sorry but that's what I thought too. No, this isn't hormones I am afraid. Nor lack of maturity. Well into her 40s and my daughter is worse not better.

Smileless2012

FGS theworriedwell then maybe the OP's D and other children whose parents give up their time to help them with their children should be less sensitive. Or be prepared to pay for help so they can't feel that by doing what they can to help, their children's GP's are trying to take their place.

Having one's cake and eating it springs to mind.

Good grief I don't expect people to be "less sensitive" because I'm lucky enough to spend lots of time with GC, well the 20 year old and late teens are away at uni so not so much time with them anymore but they phone all the time and I get invited to go and visit which is lovely.

Lots of access to GC plus expecting their parents to tiptoe round you sounds very much like having your cake and eating it.

RillaofIngleside

What is the matter with younger women nowadays? People don't seem to be able to do anything right for them. You have been very kind doing all those school trips for her, what a help! I wouldn't have committed to that.
Of course you did nothing wrong, it's a kind gesture. Perhaps she'll mature once she gets to 40? When I was a headteacher, I did notice that parents seemed to get less OTT after that!
Put it down to pregnancy hormones. Just carry on being kind and hope she calms down. It's very upsetting when they say they "want space" but hopefully she will gradually come round.

The young women in my life, DD and partners and an ex partner of my sons are all great. All very grateful for the help I provide or provided when the children were younger. I respect them and they respect me.

CS1958

I have upset my daughter terribly and feel dreadful.
For the last 2 years I have taken my granddaughter to preschool 4 days a week and up until April this year I also collected her. Her mum has been able to collect from April.
So I have a relationship with the staff albeit small talk as clearly her mum is key contact.
Today.is my granddaughters last day, and whilst her mum.has bought the staff a thank.you gift,.I gave them a thank you card from.me along with a box of biscuits I made it clear it was from me thanking them for all the work they do for ALL the children which I see when I'm there. I made no reference to my daughter or granddaughter.
I genuinely thought it was a simple.and sincere gesture to.say goodbye to people I've known over the past 2 years.
I didn't tell.my daughter i was doing this, not for any reason other than were all busy, she had a new baby and there are other family stresses ..
I see in hindsight I should have, but I simply didn't think.
Anyway my daughter is furious won't speak to me, says I have overstepped the mark.. crossed boundaries etc , she is so angry with me saying it's not my place to say thanks as I'm not the parent
It's ruined my weekend,.she wants space from me now .
I see it as massive over reaction. However I have apologised.and am sincere.in that apology as I had no idea it would create such upset .
She says all her friends would feel.the same..
I'm.68 she is 36 is this a generational thing?

I understand you were just being kind and thoughtful. It wasn’t meant to overstep, just to show appreciation. Hopefully with time, she’ll see that too.

I don't see anything wrong with that, but I let out a family secret to my G.D. which I thought she already knew about but did'nt. My D. and I have'nt spoken for over 10 years. They're really touch these days.

Are you sure there aren’t other possibly very small things you have inadvertently done over the years that have upset your dd. This is not to apportion any blame to you but just wondering if she is that kind of person you have to be careful with? Sometimes it’s like walking on eggshells with my dd. Idk if that’s a factor but I would never dream of doing something as you did without asking first if it was ok. When it comes to gc I always ask and respect her as a parent leaving her in control.

haxlayport

Ai Homework(https://homeworkifyofficial.us/): Judging by a Grans net thread titled “Is what I have done so very wrong?” (with ~60 posts), doing a sincere gesture (like giving biscuits and a card to preschool staff without telling your daughter) can be seen as overstepping even if well-intentioned and might upset loved ones unexpectedly

Overstepping what, pray?

What line is there anywhere to say a grandparent delivering and collecting a grandchild cannot show appreciation to the teachers with a few biscuits and a card?

How does this infringe on the mother's "rights"? She can show her appreciation to the teachers too.

I wonder if said mother shows appreciation to her mother for stepping in with all the toing and froing? Part of me suspects that maybe not.

Is the response from AI haxleyport actually artificial intelligence ?