For not wanting to contact my brother

I agree with all who have responded. I am in the same situation with my brother, so understand how you may feel. . It’s sad but if the sibling relationship is broken, it’s hard to trust again. Or to care.
However if you do agree to meet, do it on neutral ground, don’t go alone, take your dh or a good friend, with you.

I would not outreach him directly. Protect your peace. I certainly would not potentially ruin my holiday season by diving back in right now.

Another vote for "Have nothing to do with him".

You owe him nothing - but I'd be willing to bet he'd try and manufacture some excuse somehow to try and make out you did - even if it's only muttering about "blood ties".

I agree with those that think he's just a leech and on the take and he'll be after you for what he thinks he might get out of you. There's lots of us out there who realise that the mere fact that someone is a sibling means nothing - they'll use you as fast as they'd use anyone else (maybe even faster).

Estrangement from a sibling happens a lot and it's usually for a good reason (ie they're a leach is the usual one). The usual reason seems to be they want an unfair share of the will (and you don't say whether the house concerned was your mothers or rented). If it's her own - he probably does want your "share" as well as his own. If it's rented - he probably wants the tenancy to pass onto him (so maybe he's after getting free labour from you to help clean it up - so as to convince the landlord he's suitable to take it on). Either way = he's probably after money.

Some people just do do their best to live off other people - and relatives are usually first in line they try to tap up.

you owe him nothing. he let your mum down once he had a foot in the door it gave him carte blanche to live job free and inflict his horrible way of living on your poor mother. Added to which he gave your mum the impression that you did not care and had not sent any cards to her on important occasions.
maybe he is now getting to an age where he thinks about how alone he is and what will happen to him if anything serious happens.
personally its too much too late if you ask me.

Aww difficult families!!! They have the power to unsettle us even though you have done nothing wrong and they are sometimes very difficult to deal with.
I have experienced this and feel for you. If you really feel you need to see him do as others suggest,meet for a coffee not near or in your home. Good luck.

An old saying ' if in doubt don't '

So sad to hear this Smiles I lost touch with my brother when my Mum died, I don't even know if he is still alive. I wouldn't contact your brother, he will only make excuses, let him live with his guilt. I presume you are like me and torture yourself over thinking you should have done more but don't. Your Mum is at peace now and she knows your actions were through love 💐

I tortured myself after mum died, feeling guilty for not doing enough and even feeling guilty for contacting SS's Elless. What I really don't get is why anyone whose behaved as he has would think that the one they've hurt so badly, would want to resume contact .

Ah, Smileless, people like him are not capable of thinking like that.

I've tortured myslef enough on this point re my Ex. He blames everyone but himself. Im not saying its the same, but its a possibility?

ie, anything that happened to your brother has never been HIS fault. He cant put himself in others' shoes. Oh, and, btw, the world owes him a living.....

I guess one never gives up puzzling it. Blood and love ties are so strong in us. We expect a modicum of decent consideration of others. One keeps trying, one keeps getting hurt.

Re blood ties - and that comment had me googling wondering if Hitler had any brothers or sisters. Apparently he did have a sister - though, of course, we have no idea whether she'd rejected him or accepted him. She might have been a normal person - and, if she was, then she would have surely rejected him.

Point being - even monsters have siblings sometimes.

Off to google Netanyahu to see if he did....

Yep Netanyahu has two brothers - and same thing applies, ie we can't tell if they've broken contact with him or no.

My brother estranged me over 10 years ago. I agonised for a long time and finally accepted he was dead to me. I ask myself what I would do if he tried to make contact albeit in a roundabout way. I would be very wary. Unless he wanted to apologise for his hurtful treatment I don’t think I’d want anything to do with him. I think I would let him have my email address and then see what he had to say but unless he did apologise that would be it. Hope that helps. Whatever you decide do not feel guilty. They do say, however, that sometimes forgiveness helps the person wronged. It doesn’t mean you need have anything to do with him.

I am not quite sure what you mean, Smileless---was it your brother, the man who neglected your mother, who recently tried to contact you?

If so, I do understand that you feel "guilty". Your guilt is due to a misapprehension regarding duties of family members.

The fact is that you can't trust your brother after how he has behaved , not just occasionally , (we all slip up occasionally) but regularly . It is sad that your brother has the personality he has, however his personality is not your fault and you are powerless to change him.

Unfortunately for your brother and yourself there is nothing more you can do to set things right with your brother.

For Cariad, Hitler had a half niece, and it did not end well.

Such a sad situation, but not uncommon. We all know the saying about the difference between friends and relatives.

I think I’d look at it from the point of ‘What would renewed contact with my brother bring to my life?’ Would it bring joy, happiness, relief? Or misery, guilt, worry? If there are no positive aspects, then don’t do it, you can do without added stress in your life.

You will already have made your own plans for Christmas, but this new contact has been upsetting.
You are not his 'therapy', and must do what's best for you and those close to you.
What ever you decide, I wish you well.

Maremia is right.

You cant be his "therapist". It's a way of dragging you in.

I tried being that.

It just rebounded. (Gaslighting)

If he actually is contrite and offers to see a therapist with you then that is another matter but the contrition has to feel absolutely genuine and heartfelt, and you will instinctively know the difference.

It's been my experience in life that the (count on one hand) number of times someone has said "I done wrong - and I need to put it right" and, in one of those cases, apologised to me = neither of them meant it. They soon enough returned to being, respectively: 1. A right wotname in their way of treating women 2. A thief.

Not saying that no-one ever has a permanent/genuine "Road to Damascus" moment but it is incredibly incredibly rare from what I can see - ie I've only ever seen that happen once in someone else's life (ie their husband meant it when he decided to be faithful to her and moderate his alcohol intake to virtually nothing). Once in 70 odd years of witnessing this shows just how rare it is....

So - yep....I'd not take the risk of putting myself in the position of being his "therapist". I still reckon he's after something material - like money one way or another.

I don't want to see him and want to be left alone

A brave decision Smileless and I bet your husband is relieved too. Just wish him well through your intermediary and then quietly close that door. Firmly.

Smileless, block him. He doesn't dare for anyone but himself, you have a good life now after a lot of heartache.

Keep on enjoying the peaceful life you and Mr S have created around each other, you dont need anymore drama.
As suggested, just block and keep moving forward, have a lovely christmas.x

I think he can't handle his guilt and thinks by contacting you it will ease his suffering, either that or he wants to make you suffer. he is jealous of your life and probably wants to disrupt it. I know it's hard (and when you've other estrangements to cope with, you question yourself - 'Am I the problem because I'm the common denominator?) to put your mind at rest send one final message stating that you'd rather not be in contact and bring it all up again, look forward and enjoy your life with Mr S.

One keeps trying, one keeps getting hurt that's so true Wyllow so there comes a point when you have to protect yourself from being hurt anymore.

Yes Caleo that's right, it's my brother who neglected our mum whose told my cousin he wants to get in touch.

We've thought about what reconnecting would bring SueDonim and past experience shows us that it would bring misery and worry and attempts to make us feel guilty, although we have nothing to feel guilty for.

Yes, Mr.S. is relieved FGT and in situations like this it's important to recognise what affect resuming contact could have not just on yourself, but on those around you. I know he would be supportive, he always is and having his support with my decision is priceless.

I doubt it has anything to do with guilt Elless as I've never known him to take responsibility. It's always someone else's fault or circumstances beyond his control.

I've decided against sending a final message, and will only do so of he contacts me directly. Maybe it's silly, but I don't want him to see that there's an email from me and think it will be about us meeting up, when it will be me saying I don't want any contact.

I'm hoping that my silence will be the only 'message' I need to send.

Thank you all once again.

Are there no services that could allow you to access your mum for visits in all those years? I am so appalled that you could not see your own parent simply because your brother was at the same address. I would have absolutely lost it.

Keep your distance.My young sister “ abdicated” from the family when my dad died over 30 years ago.
It meant that my mother’s care was left to my older sister and me,she worked full time,Iwas running two businesses ,had a 5 year old and a stroppy teen .
My mothers care was was hard work and for the 12 years she survived my dad we did our absolute best by her.She refused to eat food that wasn’t cooked by me so I supplied all her meals even when she spent 7 weeks in hospital 20 miles away .
Don’t get me wrong I have no regrets I did my best by her at all times but one extra pair of hands would have made the task much easier .
After my mum died I was to.d by a friend that my sister had “ no idea” why WE didn,t speak to her?
That .ll be because SHEdidn,t answer letters ,stoppedher children seeing their granny and refused to let us have her phone number …I guess she didn’t want the 3am call because mum needed changed or couldn,t sleep or any one of a dozen other calls
I don’t hold grudges …usually …but I don’t consider her my sister .12 years was a long time to go no contact ,She went to funeral,supported on either side by her in-laws in tears …..my mothers would have said crocodile tears.
Now she herself is ill and honestly I couldn’t care less