AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

Ilovecheese

I would feel sad for her too. When people talk about how it should be a joint decision, in this case it is not a joint decision is it.
If your daughter does not go on to have her wanted third child, the decision has been made for her by her husband. His wishes will prevail. How can this ever be a "joint" decision.

It can’t be a joint decision really. Somebody will be the loser.
Somebody has to give in.

That will be the person who cares most about keeping the marriage, I guess.

Absolutely nothing to do with you……

Kandinsky

Well exactly Ilovecheese, it’s not a joint decision, it’s his decision.

And if they have another child, that will be her decision.

Is it that you believe the woman has more rights than the man, in deciding on parenthood? Would you agree that he should be able to deny any responsibility for this child he never wanted?

And if it goes the other way it will be her decision only, won’t it Kadinsky if there’s only two people needing to make a major decision and disagreeing, one will always lose won’t they ?

I can see it from both sides she would dearly love another child, he s saying it’s not practical and maybe not affordable
When it’s something as important as this it has to be an agreed joint decision surely and if they can’t agree it has to stay as it is

And would you feel the same if it was your son in law who wanted the third child and not your daughter?

Madgran77 you say
"Hopefully they can discuss this and she can understand his reasoning etc"
Most people seem to agree that she should understand his wishes and give up her desire for another child.
But why not be hopeful that he will be the one to change his mind.

I think that it's unreasonable to think that your son in law is unreasonable. He sounds like a caring father and husband. That's a lot more than a lot of people have.

Of course you are sad for your daughter! You have the right to your own feelings, same for your daughter.

Having kids is a two yes decision between the two people involved.

Being sad does not override his no. Yes kids are expensive money wise, time wise, energy wise, etc.

none of your business.

Yes Kadinsky, you are being unreasonable to brand your SIL as mean, it would also be unreasonable to get involved. I get that you was DD to be happy but it is ultimately their business

Why does anyone with a boy and a girl possibly want another one? The planet does not need more people.

westendgirl

Surely it should be a joint decision and for the couple only.

Yup. I would agree very strongly with westendgirl.

Of course, it’s always possible that he didn’t particularly want children anyway, but accepted that this was important to his wife and gave in because he loved her.

Then it would be her that was being unreasonable, would t it?

I don't think Kandinsky had any intention of interfering.

Kadinsky, you have already made your feelings clear:

my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.
and
AIBU to think the number of children a couple have should be down to the women?

Your second point I have some sympathy with as it is the woman who literally has the physical side of pregnancy, childbirth and child-rearing to deal with, but the man also has extra responsibilities of fathering, finance while (possibly) being the main bread-winner.
It has to be decided by the couple themselves, no-one else and you should be very careful how you support your daughter. The decision has to be reached by mutual consent.
Your daughter has two healthy children, a pigeon pair, and at present, a responsible husband, which many women do not have. She has a great deal to be thankful for.

Your job might be to let your DD know that you love her and that 2 children is fine.

You are all lucky. As soon as you start to take sides feel sorry for her you are getting involved.
Do you perhaps want another DGC?
Stand back. Keep out.
You know YABU.

Didn’t many of us, after having what was meant to be our final child, still have an incredible desire to have another baby which overoad knowing that our finances etc wouldn’t cover doing so. I know I did, and I was never baby minded. And it needs someone such as ones husband to argue against it. I often wonder about the third child that I would have liked; what he or she would have been like. But I’m glad that I stuck to two. I had two friends who tried to have a third child when they realised they were reaching the menopause; one sadly miscarried and the other one had a child with health problems .

Sometimes hormones are to blame. I know someone who had 2 babies in quick succession when her first 2 with first DH were teenagers and time was running out.

She ditched the father, who didn't want children as his were grown up, and she brought them up by herself. She's done well but I feel quite sorry for all those children.

Er she of course can completely decide to have a third child without consulting him because it is down to women, due to biology. He can choose not to be involved, but if the need to have a third child is so great then she could leave him and have a child with someone who wants one.
I am not suggesting she do this or that it would be a good plan, but women are by the nature of their biology the decision makers in whether to get pregnant.

Thank you all.
I will not get involved. Yes, by voicing my opinion I’m coming across as involved, but I’m using GN as a bit of a safe space to let of steam.
I will support my daughter all through the ups & down of life. I’ve actually said all the right things - count your blessings, you’ve got 2 lovely children and a husband who’s being sensible. I’ve said all this why secretly thinking what I’ve said on here. But I will never let my inner thoughts show.
Thanks again.

You are not being unreasonable to feel sad for your D Kandinsky but you are being unreasonable to say your s.i.l. is mean for not wanting another child.

Greenfinch has asked how you would feel if it was the other way around; would you think your D was mean for not wanting another child if your s.i.l. did?

It’s really none of your business, although I understand you’re sad for your daughter.
I was your daughter 30 years ago . We had a 5yo boy and 3yo girl and I was very keen on having a third . But my DH was self employed and work wasn’t great at that time . It just wasn’t the right time . A third child meant a bigger car and the loss of my salary for a while . In my head I knew it was the right decision, but in my heart I did feel sad when mum friends were having a third child .
So no I don’t think your sil is being mean , just practical .

No I wouldn’t think my dd was being mean if her partner wanted a child and she didn’t, simply because it’s the woman who goes through pregnancy and birth and most of the care ( breastfeeding )

But it s the husband who would probably bear the financial strain if your daughter was looking after three children
You are obviously seeing it all through her eyes and seeing him as denying her her rights
I can feel your disappointed for her but I think we as outsiders can see where he is being practical and the more thoughtful of the two We can’t all have what we want in life surely she’s very lucky to have two happy healthy children

Even though you re not interfering you are not looking at the problem with fair eyes in my opinion Your love of your daughter having what she wants is clouding your common sense

Do you know whether he really wanted children or whether he was willing to have them because it made your daughter happy?

He doesn’t sound as if it’s been as great an experience for him as it has for your daughter, does it? It’s not something he wants to go on doing, after all.

So actually, rather than being mean, he’s been very loving to support your daughter in her desire for children, I expect he feels he’s given in enough now.