AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

I loved having a baby around, so when my were quite young, I became a local authority foster parent, specialising in small babies = some pre-adoption (would have them direct from hospital for first two or three months). Also babies under a year who need emergency fostering for all sorts of reasons.

Helped out in preventing me just having another baby myself.

Franbern

I loved having a baby around, so when my were quite young, I became a local authority foster parent, specialising in small babies = some pre-adoption (would have them direct from hospital for first two or three months). Also babies under a year who need emergency fostering for all sorts of reasons.

Helped out in preventing me just having another baby myself.

I love babies, my body wouldn't cooperate beyond four.

I agree with others that it is no one else’s business. That said, I think the idea of another baby comes to most of us as the smallest grow up. Often I think we don’t want another shield, we want the ones we have to be babies again!
As a Mum of three, who I love dearly, that third child is a strain. You need a bigger car, a second hotel room, a non standard table in restaurants. When you go out you have a child each and there is one left over. Attractions like funfairs have seats for2, again one left over. Coaches and trains….
I know these are minor things but they make life more difficult and that third does not fill the baby urge for long.

I remember how annoyed I was by a couple of comments when I was expecting my fourth baby.
Some people don't know when to stop and are you Catholic?. we have an Irish name

My friend's DD who has recently had twins so along with the 2 yr old is very busy, is constantly stopped by strangers who think they have the right to tell her about their own experiences or ask if her boy and girl are identical etc.

I think the hormones run riot in your 40s. Pressuring you to have another baby before it's too late.
I am glad I resisted and stayed at 2. Some life events which we don't know were coming would have been even more difficult with a baby.
I don't think the SIL is being mean at all. That's unfair on him when he may be taking into account all the reasons why it is not a good idea for the whole family and not just for himself. It sounds like a very adult decision. Not a mean one.

As everyone says it is not your business at all. I expect you know that and I expect you and she would love another little one. But 2 seems such a sensible number financially and logistically.

Why would she like a third child? 'Like' being the operative word. Perhaps her husband has enough with two and feels a third would put a strain on the relationship. Perhaps he would like to do more of a hobby or free up some family time. Another baby would set all of that back by years. I can see his point of view as that would be my choice.

No ,,its their life not yours.

Mean? We’re talking about a human life.

A baby is not a doll. It’s not a perpetual cute little toy for the mum to play with that the husband is refusing to purchase. The child will need love and support from mum and dad in various forms for life. That requires emotional energy and resources from both parents. Parenting is a two person job today, as it should be. A baby deserves to be brought into the world by two parents who want the child for this reason.

Men aren’t merely sperm donors, and this isn’t the 1950’s where it was acceptable for men to be largely uninvolved in raising a child beyond providing financial stability. Pregnancy and childbirth are temporary for the mother, but being a father/parent a permanent. It’s wrong to justify having a baby to appease a woman by saying “she has to do all the work” because it’s simply not true once the baby is born.

A man has right to decide he no longer wants to create life without being judged in the same way a woman does. Creating life is a ‘two yes’ situation and no person on Earth should be “convinced” or coerced into doing it. Same thing we rightfully say about women applies to men here: His body, his choice. His life, his choice.

The right thing for the OP to do is stop framing this issue as something “mean” being done to her daughter and stop discussing it with her. Son in law’s choices for his body and his life have nothing to do with any extended family. The daughter is an adult. If she cannot reconcile this within her marriage, I’m sure she’ll figure out her next steps without mummy’s involvement in her marital issues.

BlessedArt

Excellent observations.

His body, his choice. His life, his choice.

I assume she would expect the unwilling father to finance her hobby rather than going to work to finance it herself.

How many childrlen a couple want, or indeed whether they want children or not should be discussed while they are engaged!

I can see both sides of this. IMO women are more inclined to want another baby "before it is too late" than men. And any man is entitled to honestly say that having another child is added work and added expense.

He may too be longing for the time when he and his wife can plan a week-end away from home without the children, and now sees this being deferred for ten or so years more.

Any woman who believes it is her right to decide the number of children she wants because she is a woman, and not consider her husband's point of view is being down-right selfish.

Whatever the couple's financial situation, the man should take his wife's desire for yet another child into serious consideration and not just say no.

Grandmabatty

I disagree with you. I don't think he's being mean and I don't think the decision should just be your daughter's. But I definitely don't think you should get involved.

I agree with the husband . It would be a new car , everything is set up for families of 4 . Ultimately if he can’t cope it’s unfair . It’s sad for her but she has 2 . No I think he’s sensible saying it now. X

When a member of my family wanted a dog we said that we could not have one unless everyone in the family was on board with it. And the same applies to a baby!! Both partners have got to be on board with a major decision like this.

And you must of course make it very clear to your DD that you cannot be involved in this discussion, nor be a listening ear for her grumbles about her partner, who is of course entitled to his view.

Actually she is very very blessed to be a stay at home mum not many have this luxury nowadays and to expect another child on one wage is unrealistic in my opinion

I think it has to be a joint decision between husband and wife and you shouldn’t give your opinion or interfere

Stay out of it.

It's down to you what you think, but you shouldn't voice your opinion.

The two of them must make that decision by themselves.

Your son-in-law does have a point though. Children are time consuming and expensive.

It's not two pairs of shoes, it's three. Three sets of clothes instead of two. Three sets of school trips to pay for and three sets of parents' evenings which may well clash.
Three sets of university fees when the time comes

Can your daughter and son-in-law afford all this? Even if they can, it's not your place to interfere in their decision.