AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

Ideally, should a child not be wanted by both parents (given that they are apparently otherwise happily married, in this instance), rather than it being a case of one 'giving in' to what the other wants?
None of this means that the OP's own feelings about having another grandchild don't matter, of course. Those feelings are perfectly valid, but this is an issue which only the parents themselves can resolve - one way or another.

Unless they are likely to struggle financially, then yes, I think he is being mean.
We don't know their circumstances though, and it's between them to decide of course, and to deal with any regrets or resentments that might follow.
In my "happily ever after " scenario he would say okay then, just one more then we stop, right? and she would throw her arms around him and love him forever. He would say to himself, eyes to heaven, "the things I do for this woman I love".
- but life's not a story book is it? Yeah, I feel for her.
.

Would you feel the same if she wanted a sixth child?
What is it about three?

My daughter in law went ahead and had the third baby she wanted (son didn’t- they already had a girl and boy). An “accident” she said, as they had dropped the pregnancy cover in their health insurance. It’s broken them - the marriage is hanging by a thread. Child is now two, and EVERYONE is angry (including the first two children). Let your daughter be very careful what she wishes for

Yesterday 17:31 Kandinsky
Can I just say I am not getting involved and would definitely not say anything.
But when my daughter tells me she’d love another child ( and she really would ) but ‘he’ says no, I can’t help but feel sad for her.
As there is no compromise unless one of them completely changes their mind, there will be one ‘winner’ and one ‘loser’ here.
It sounds like you’ve said all the right things, however, taking the other point of view from most on here, I would let her know how sorry I am that she’s so upset. It wouldn’t be siding with either of them but you’d be telling her you’re there for her no matter what the outcome.

Please don't voice any opinion on this. It's for the couple themselves to come to some agreement.

It's ok for you to feel sad for your daughter, but let it rest there.

It absolutely has to be an agreement between the prospective parents, obviously someone is going to have their wishes thwarted. Only they can know how a third child will impact on everything, their time, their finances, the space their house affords, and last but not least the two children they already have, so there isn't really any definitive answer. I don't think the husband's pov is unreasonable he has an eye to the future and probably sees another child as a disruption to what has already been established.

A friend of mine went for a third child, at the time, they had a son and a daughter, close in age, 5 and 6. Her husband was somewhat railroaded into what was primarily the wife's decision at the time. Their daughter who became the middle child was pretty ok with her new brother, but the son who had to share a room before they moved never really bonded with him, a certain amount of resentment and displacement was felt. For the parents having to go back to that interminable and somewhat chaotic baby stage at a time when they had the first two established in a routine at school also caused a certain amount of upheaval at the time. Well of course they wouldn't be without him now that goes without saying.

As everyone else has stated, it's up to them to work it out.

My heart goes out to your daughter. This is not a joint decision if he is saying. No'. Perhaps if she were to explain to him that if they don't have a third she would never hold that against him but would always regret it.
It is a difficult one ! I always wanted a third and my DH knew how important that was to me. Number three arrived when our children were age 7 and 9. If your SIL is adamant then your DD
may have to accept that , because having a child when one parent is unhappy about is a recipe for disaster!

It's not up to me or - more especially - you to judge the rights and wrongs of this situation. What I would say is that if I had, as a young mum, found myself caught in this quandary, I wouldn't have gone whining to my mother.

Thinking long and hard about this I feel you should encourage your DD to be content with her two amazing children.
Bringing a third child into the family when one parent is not really on board is not healthy for anyone. My DH was content with two but happy to go for a third. Your SIL is not feeling like that ! They have a happy family so perhaps they should not risk disturbing that.
I feel sure your DD and SIL will come to a satisfactory conclusion.

AN41, that was exactly what happened to me! Our ' baby ' is now in her late 30s.
How lucky was I !?

We don’t really know much about this couples exact circumstances, but I can’t help thinking that the OP has (of course) a very partisan view.

If it was rewritten by his mother, from his point of view, it might sound very different!

Altogether I think the whole mother/daughter discussion with the overtones of ‘isn’t he mean” are real danger signals for this relationship. How can that view of him not affect relationships both with his wife and with his in-laws.

How on earth would he forgive these conversations about him and feel happy in his marriage if he knew.

Maybe your daughter shouldn't be confiding in you...it's not good for their marriage, to be honest.
Wanting a 3rd child has nothing to do with 'having one of each', in my opinion...it's more to do with wanting 3 children.
I am lucky enough to be the mother of 3 (all the same gender), and my husband wanted a third one too.
It was never discussed with anyone outside our relationship

Would you feel the same way if he was pressuring her to have a child she didn’t want?

fancyflowers

Please don't voice any opinion on this. It's for the couple themselves to come to some agreement.

It's ok for you to feel sad for your daughter, but let it rest there.

Quite. It’s not your place to comment.

You are wise saying nothing.

Ilovecheese

Madgran77 you say
"Hopefully they can discuss this and she can understand his reasoning etc"
Most people seem to agree that she should understand his wishes and give up her desire for another child.
But why not be hopeful that he will be the one to change his mind.

By discussing they can both think carefully about each others viewpoint and reasons and either might change their mind

Yes Kadinsky, you are being unreasonable. This is for the couple to resolve. They’re blessed with two healthy children. If the father really doesn’t want the responsibilities of a third child that has to be a serious consideration. It could wreck the marriage.
I’m not sure why your daughter is involving you

I think you are being unreasonable. As the children in the family have two parents, it should be up to both of the parents to come to a decision whether they want to have another one. It would be unfair for just the mother or the father to decide.

'Fraid so - re being unreasonable. She is and you are. Sorry - but he gets his say too - even if money wasn't an issue.

The other two children also have voting rights imo - as there would be less money etc for them too.

I'd say the "voting" comes out at 3 against another child and only 1 in favour of another child (ie your daughter).

3 -1 is bad odds for whether that child would turn out to be wanted or no.

A third child would also add various other costs - eg typical car seats 4 (not 5). Typical house has 3 bedrooms - not 4. Where would a 3rd child sleep? - cue for the other children being told to "budge up and do without a bedroom each".

She is being unreasonable - she's got two and it's one of each sex at that.

Another point is "How does anyone (even her) know her wishes would stop at 3?".

Some women just go on and on wishing for another and then wishing for another again. You don't know/she probably doesnt know herself how often she'd start "wishing" again.

It looks to me as if she bulldozed him into another child - she might well then start "wishing" for a 4th child.

Ilovecheese

Madgran77 you say
"Hopefully they can discuss this and she can understand his reasoning etc"
Most people seem to agree that she should understand his wishes and give up her desire for another child.
But why not be hopeful that he will be the one to change his mind.

Would he really - ie "change his mind"?

Right now I'm thinking of one guy that finished his marriage years back because he didnt want children - but she had two anyway regardless.

I've listened in astonishment as a female work colleague told me she and her husband had a child and she alone wanted a second one and knew he didn't - but planned to stage an "accident" on him and then divorce him when he realised she'd done that. She wasnt the worlds brightest button and it didnt seem to click to her that my own feelings about her had just gone from neutral to disapprove.

I could think of a noticeable number of other cases where a woman made that joint decision on her own and I'd be willing to bet it hadnt occurred to her he mightnt accept being put in a position of having a child he didnt want - at the least the chances would have just increased he'd go off to another woman for a sympathetic ear - and get it....(and the sympathetic ear).

She is putting her marriage at risk if she makes a joint decision like that on her own and hoping she could con him into believing it was an "accident" (he won't believe her).

CariadAgain

'Fraid so - re being unreasonable. She is and you are. Sorry - but he gets his say too - even if money wasn't an issue.

The other two children also have voting rights imo - as there would be less money etc for them too.

I'd say the "voting" comes out at 3 against another child and only 1 in favour of another child (ie your daughter).

3 -1 is bad odds for whether that child would turn out to be wanted or no.

A third child would also add various other costs - eg typical car seats 4 (not 5). Typical house has 3 bedrooms - not 4. Where would a 3rd child sleep? - cue for the other children being told to "budge up and do without a bedroom each".

She is being unreasonable - she's got two and it's one of each sex at that.

I think this is a bit sad to be honest. Do children really value a bit more money rather than a brother or sister. I am glad my children valued each other more than that.
The husband is not just getting his say "too", he is getting what he wants. (or in this case, what he doesn't.)

Kandinsky

My daughter has 2 lovely healthy children ( a girl and a boy ) However, she would really love a 3rd but her husband has said no.
He thinks it’s too much stress, too expensive etc etc
AIBU to think the number of children a couple have should be down to the women?

Kandinsky, I recall your post last year, you posted about a sahm daughter, in London, with mortgage, sil take home salary £5000 per month. You wondered if his salary was enough? Daughter felt a comfortable income would be £6500 a month. Perhaps, if this is the same daughter, remember outgoings in London?

Ilovecheese

CariadAgain

'Fraid so - re being unreasonable. She is and you are. Sorry - but he gets his say too - even if money wasn't an issue.

The other two children also have voting rights imo - as there would be less money etc for them too.

I'd say the "voting" comes out at 3 against another child and only 1 in favour of another child (ie your daughter).

3 -1 is bad odds for whether that child would turn out to be wanted or no.

A third child would also add various other costs - eg typical car seats 4 (not 5). Typical house has 3 bedrooms - not 4. Where would a 3rd child sleep? - cue for the other children being told to "budge up and do without a bedroom each".

She is being unreasonable - she's got two and it's one of each sex at that.

I think this is a bit sad to be honest. Do children really value a bit more money rather than a brother or sister. I am glad my children valued each other more than that.
The husband is not just getting his say "too", he is getting what he wants. (or in this case, what he doesn't.)

When existing children know there isn't enough money to afford another child that is an issue. If there's enough money for another child and still some to spare that's one thing. But when an existing child knows there isn't enough money for any more children after them - they will resent any money spent on the "extras".

I remember, as a child, being very conscious there wasn't enough money for the younger child out of the two of us (ie that erstwhile brother of mine). There really wasn't - but he happened anyway (as our mother said "Modern science wasnt what it is now" - ie that was the 1950s and not the 1970s onward).

I wasn't the first - my father is the parent that actually likes children and, all else being equal, he said he would have liked three - but accepted/was happy enough with the two he got in the event. But he did often speak longingly about wishing he'd been in a smaller family/better still being an only child - because it was a big family and too big for his parents to afford all those children. Cue for he never forgot what the "extras" had cost him personally - as he was top of the class and had the headmaster visiting his parents and pleading that such a bright child shouldnt be prevented from continuing his education. But he had to shut his mouth and try and forget all those extra children had cost him the chance to take the scholarship he'd just won to continue his education. But he never ever forgot he personally paid the price of the "extras" and wished he'd been an only child and was very envious of those children that were only children. A less intelligent child (ie one that would have left school anyway at 14 - and not been forced into it) would have been less bothered and so the effect of "extras" impacting on existing children depends a bit on how things are for the "existing" ones...but I'd be willing to bet few children want their parents to have more...