AIBU to think my son-in law is mean to deny my daughter the 3rd child she would love.

Lathyrus3

I think you’re quite dismissive of his reasons by adding that “etc” as if it’s just a bundle of insignificant things.

Finances are sound reasons for limiting the number of children in a family. If he is the main breadwinner the stress upon him to support the family may be very real.

Not to mention a child whose father never wanted them🙁

There are many perfectly valid reason for a person not wanting more children, be they the potential father or mother, but as others have said, this is really only their business. He obviously has his reasons and she has her wishes.
In general I think it would be different if they had no children, or just one. But if one parent is determined that he doesn't want another, and they already have two, I believe it would be wrong to force him. Your daughter is lucky to have had one child of each sex, some women are very upset not to have a son, or not to have a daughter.

I think your son in law is being sensible.Why would he want more children when he has listed the reasons why he doesn’t want anymore.They are good sound reasons and I agree with him and I definitely disagree on having babies being the woman’s decision as it does impact the full family unit.

£5000 a month take home pay, if that’s the case, is a decent amount of money. Your daughter a sahm? In those circumstances I’m inclined to support the father. It’s all on him to support and provide financially. That’s a lot of expectation

It’s their decision and mean of the daughter to involve her mother. I think this has already been said, but how would the OP feel if her son in law was insisting they should have another child against her daughter’s wishes and asking the OP for her support.

Yes same daughter.
Husband is on a reasonable salary ( but a take home pay of £5000 is actually not that brilliant in London ) but it’s enough.
Can I also add my dd is not asking my advice or opinion, she has mentioned it a few times in passing, but I know if he was on board she’d be over the moon.

It might be enough for a sahm and two children, a third increases outgoings significantly. It seems a lot to expect of the sole wage earner

Kandinsky

Yes same daughter.
Husband is on a reasonable salary ( but a take home pay of £5000 is actually not that brilliant in London ) but it’s enough.
Can I also add my dd is not asking my advice or opinion, she has mentioned it a few times in passing, but I know if he was on board she’d be over the moon.

I agree take home of £5000 is not brilliant in London for one at work supporting a sahm and 2 children. Adding a third child could cause financial issues.

Having kids as a couple is a two-yes and one-no scenario. If both people don't wholeheartedly want to do it, it is not fair to the couple, the existing kids, or the potential new baby. The effect of being unwanted by a parent is profound even if the other is the most loving and doting parent.

More people need to consider finances and stress when making this decision. Maybe they can sit down and look through finances together to work out the feasibility. Too many kids are born to parents who are unable to cope either financially or emotionally (ask me how I know).

If I had known how bad my disability would get after having my son we wouldn't have had him . Even though we wanted 2 children we would have just been happy with our daughter. My husband had a vasectomy at 35 to make sure I never got pregnant again . It was a joint decision. The risk to my health was to great.

I hope your grandchildren don't pick up on their mom's wanting another child . They could be made to feel as if they aren't enough.

The trouble is that there can be no compromise. You can’t have half a baby, or one you get for three days a week. Whatever they do, one of them will be unhappy, and maintaining the status quo is as much make decision as changing it would be.

If they are both adamant in their position it may be that they are better off apart, as one of them could spend the rest of their life resenting the other. All the same, the situation won’t be helped by advice from outside their little unit. They will solve things themselves, one way or the other.

Does your daughter want a third child to avoid going to work if she is a SAHM I wonder?
I have a relative who did this.

I totally agree Doodledog one is always going to be unhappy in this situation
I don’t think the son in law is being mean he is being practical and has a valid opinion Neither do I think the daughter is being mean she has a need she wants to fulfil
So only one answer one relinquishes their stand or they remain unhappy and part company which would be a shame especially for the already born children, but they are at complete polar ends there is no halfway mark it’s one or the other, but neither is being mean on purpose

I think the daughter is being unreasonable. Husband finds two children and a wife more than enough to be maintaining, if wife thinks he's not earning enough get a job, both have to want it and he doesn't.

In my opinion, it would be better for the mother to content herself with the children she already has than to have another child which is not wanted by its other parent. She'll get over it - the child may never.

My problem with this whole thread is Kadinskys attitude
I know she has said she won’t interfere and hopefully she won’t but this sentence says it all really

AIBU to think the number of children a couple have should be down to the women? that attitude is the biggest problem on this thread yes, yes, yes you are being totally and unforgivably unreasonable, You are so wrong and must be living in another world entirely to think like that Sorry Kadinsky where are you coming from ?

Do you think men should be able to stop a woman having an abortion?
My guess is not.
Because of biology the ultimate decider is the woman. Now in a functioning partnership obviously you want both parents to want a child, discussion, negotiation, etc. But biology is really the decider.

It takes 2 to make a baby. There have been no virgin births, that I know of recently. A woman has no right to demand that a man fathers a child with her, not even her husband.

A baby is a responsibility, and an expense. Think of the uproar if a man tried to stop or force a woman to have an abortion. essentially what is the difference?

He’s the sole breadwinner? Thats a big ask.

With 2 children myself (and being the prime caretaker) I think it should be down to both parents and never just the woman. Additional expenses, sleepless nights etc affect everyone in the household, not just a mother. Childcare costs are astronomical. I get 30 hours from the government for each child and still end up paying an extra £500 'charges' on top (without any additional hours over the 30 allowance) and a food shop now is so expensive. As women I think we feel the draw of having children but maybe do not always fully consider the practicalities of doing so.

Another child is another person to support for possibly another 18 years.
That is a big ask and financial commitment.

I'm presuming that the two children are still quite young. They are going to be a lot more expensive as they get older and I think he is being sensible in thinking about money. Does she just like the idea of another child? I'm sure most of us have done that at times, but three children are definitely more work than two and there would be times when plans had to be changed, or perhaps treats had to be postponed, which might not have happened with just two children. Personally I think you have to have a really good income for more than two children. My daughter and her husband both have good jobs with good salaries, but they waited a long time to start their family and still find two quite a financial stretch.

Where does it end? some women just love the baby stage, so as the youngest child grows up they want another. I know someone who had 4 children this way.

sparkly1000

Another child is another person to support for possibly another 18 years.
That is a big ask and financial commitment.

And that is if the new baby is a singleton and not twins or triplets.

25Avalon

Where does it end? some women just love the baby stage, so as the youngest child grows up they want another. I know someone who had 4 children this way.

I used to follow several American fundamentalist couples who had 10, 12, 15+ children. Once the newest child was 6 or 7 months , it was weaned and given to a sibling to look after while mum and dad got on making the next baby.

Beautyschooldropout

sparkly1000

Another child is another person to support for possibly another 18 years.
That is a big ask and financial commitment.

And that is if the new baby is a singleton and not twins or triplets.

Very valid point - ie they might get more than they bargained for and then the doodah would really hit the fan.

Not to mention it's tempting fate to think "Well the two we have so far are perfectly healthy and mum came out of it perfectly healthy - so a third one would be fine as well". That may not be the case. So it could be another person added into the equation AND unexpected health problems AND we all know the standard of our NHS is steadily getting worse and worse and life generally is "harder to live" than back in the Normal Times of the 1980s for instance and all this "fighting" we have to do just to keep the level of everything we expected to have as far as we can is distinctly wearing. Not forgetting that whose job is secure these days? - unless one is in the royal family and "behaving" in accordance with that and AI is steadily making inroads on available jobs and the situation would be even more problematic if there was another "mouth to feed". It's quite horrifying to see just how little help there is in paying a mortgage, for instance, these days compared to what there used to be.

She'd be tempting fate all round if she adds that factor of another child into the equation.