I reallly want to change my life but dont know were to start

So you really think our "default settings" is/are to be happy? (you say "no other person or thing can "make" you happy)

No. I just don't get how you can "choose" to be happy and there it is - voila!

No way. If only.

I was deeply sorrowful when one of my daughters cut off all contact with me but I am naturally cheerful and resilient. I decided I would not let the rest of my life be ruined , so I made every effort to find out why she hated me so much and when all failed I made a determined effort to put my sorrow in a separate compartment in my mind. Of course it has not gone away, and never will, but I think I can say that I am still a happy person.

I think our expectations of life have changed so much in a compartively short time - a century ago and my grandmother would have been happy if her husband did not get drunk, hit her and the children, keep her short of money for food, if she had been able to afford to use a doctor when any of them were ill, etc.
Perhaps we can only hope to be content most of the time, with happiness coming in short bursts.

Jadey, we can all feel a bit lost at times. I am a huge list maker, and so end up listing things that have made me happy and that I should be grateful for.

Do not move to the countryside ! Its really not all its cracked up to be- some villages can be very cliquey, and I felt like I was living in a goldfish bowl in gods waiting room !!

Volunteering for homestart is a brilliant idea, and if you haven't one locally, then contact the national office, as if they have enough people interested you will find yourself on a committee !!

Also - start writing your memories for your children and grandchildren = all those family stories that will be lost of nor recorded.

I always cheer myself up with crafts- I love scrapbooking - grown up version of cutting and sticking !
Check out any women s groups as well - townswomen guild are good, plus national womens register...or if you happen to be in Dorset WAND !!

Think one can be happy , but still be captious .

My happiness knows no bounds , why would not it , what with the lovely time I have with my DH .

Nonu - are you going to give us a word every day? I like 'captious'.

Susie - we are all different, thank goodness - I have chosen to live outside a very isolated little village amongst beautiful scenery in the Alps and it makes me very happy. I would be deeply unhappy if I had to live in a town again.

Won't you be in a town in New Zealand, then?

Wtf does captious mean?!

Nonu if it's not a cheeky question, how long of you been married for?

NO, I will be looking for a little place in the country, not too far from my daughter - prices are much lower out of the towns.

Oh, sorry - I had the impression it was going to be a granny-flat type of arrangement.

Ok then jo8, let me put it like this, who controls your emotions, is it you or have you someone else up in your head. If it is you, then you could actually choose to be happy or not? And I don't actually remember mentioning default settings but I said that it wasn't people or things that make us happy, what it actually is, is our reaction and choice of emotion in connection with the event or erson. It's Psychology really but, I realise that not everyone understands it.

That should be person not erson typo.

Ana, my daughter and her husband live at the edge of a small village with a couple of acres of productive garden, but they plan to move further out 'in the sticks' because she wants more land for her horse. They would never live in a town, but had to be somewhere practical whilst the two younger children aged 15 and 14, need to be close to schools, friends and social life.

Sounds lovely, Greatnan.

positivepam you didn' t mention "default settings". I did.

I take it you are a qualified psychologist. Otherwise your last remark is rude and patronising.

It was not meant to be rude or patronising jo8 it was a statement of fact that not everyone understands the Pschology of the mind. And I have qualifications in Psychiatry but not Pschology, but that hasn't anything to do with what I was saying. I was just saying that we can choose to be happy as we are the only ones in control of our minds, I know that is a very simplistic statement and possibly easier said than done but never the less true. We all have choice, we can all choose to see the joy and beauty in our families and in nature and everything around us and we can choose to be happy or not. Never have I ever tried or meant to be rude or patronising and I hope if you read my post again jo8 you can see that I was making a general statement of fact. Happiness is an abstract and cannot be found but boy we can definately be it. Anyway, enough of me going on, just trying to set the record straight.

People know when they were happy but few say NOW I'm happy. I never felt that I had to look for happiness somewhere else. As many have said, other people are never as happy as you think they may be. Some experts assure you that in South America people with nothing much are much happier!
Perhpas we have too much or simply have too much time to sit and wonder why we are not Happy.

Happiness surprises you. I have joined a computerclass and not one for seniors citizens either! I noticed yesterday that I felt Happy and was quite surprised, happiness creeps up on you when you are not looking. Don't give up hope.

Jadey moving won't cure what ails you, it'll just follow you. Unless you are living in an area that makes you miserable it's not the answer - unless you have been brought up in the country or lived in the country for several years it can be a lonely place. Let's face it most of our friends are people whose children went to the same schools as ours, work mates, or people you went to school with - you won't have that connection by moving elsewhere.
I live in an area that has a lot of retirees that have moved here upon retiring. When I was still working at the Medical Centre we had several patients who'd regretted their choice as they were lonely.
Do think carefully, perhaps join something even if you are not a joiner, volunteer. Good luck I hope things improve

positivepam, we can't always control our minds. If it were that easy they would never have felt the need to invent ssri's. And no one would ever be unhappy. It's a sad fact that most people, probably everyone, are more often unhappy than happy. Yes, these moments of love, beauty, humour, come along every so often, and we are always glad of them, but they cannot completely influence all of everyday life.

And it did sound patronising to suggest that other people cannot understand psychology.

Well that is your view jo8 and we have to agree to disagree. I posted to try and help the OP not to have a discussion with you on Pschology and I actually said that not everyone understands the Pschology of the mind and I stand by that. I refuse though to be drawn into an arguement with you, you have your view and I have mine. Let's leave it there.

I'm sorry if I've upset you. But a thread is a thread, and often leads on to expanded discussion.

It's what makes Gransnet so worthwhile.

This thread reminded of a wonderful book I've just finished - 'the Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry'. Harold makes this observation: 'It must be the same all over England. People were buying their milk, or filling their cars up with petrol, or even posting letters. And what no one else knew was the appalling weight of the thing they were carrying inside. The superhuman effort it took sometimes to be normal, and a part of things that appeared both easy and everyday. The loneliness of that.' He changed his life!

That's a perfect quote, hummingbird. I thought that was a wonderful book too.