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Is this normal at junior school?

(49 Posts)
Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 06:58:21

Because she is not yet wearing a bra my 10 year old DGD is being teased because she does not wear a bra. Is this normal at junior school? I am looking after my DGCs for the next week and she has come up with this. Evidently some wear two! Bras to give them some shape. She has mentioned it to her mother who said to her that there was no point wearing bra until she had something to put in it. In my day we were post war skinny kids and this problem didn't seem to arise until teens . My own DDs were also skinny but again I don't remember bras in junior school.any advice or suggestions on what to say welcome. I've always tried to balance praise for looks with praise for being clean and tidy teeth and hair wise.

glammanana Tue 21-Jan-14 07:31:14

When my DGD was in junior school (she has just this year gone to Grammer School) my DD was beside herself with her asking if she could wear a bra as some of the other girls had started wearing them,well Abbie has a shape similar to "Olive Oil" and you can count her ribs but she was insistent she had to have a bra,DD talked her out of it and told her she would plenty of time as she got older and to ignore them,the thing was some of the mums indulged their daughters just to keep up with peer pressure which is a massive problem but DD would not agree to it,at her school now nothing has been mentioned at all peer pressure is discouraged they have no time as they are kept busy with lessons.

thatbags Tue 21-Jan-14 07:52:44

They wear crop tops, not bras, even when they are still completely flat-chested. Yes, sadly, it is normal usual nowadays. Minibags asked for some but then decided they were too uncomfortable and didn't wear them.

MiceElf Tue 21-Jan-14 07:54:30

It might be a good idea to speak to the parent governor who could raise as a point for discussion. But in the first instance, apart from talking to her daughter, your DD could speak to the class teacher who could incorporate the issue into an appropriate lesson.

JessM Tue 21-Jan-14 07:59:51

Do you feel she is being bullied?
There is such variation with some 10 year olds having breasts and starting periods and others with little sign of puberty. This variation is one of the difficult things about being teen, and a pre teen for both boys and girls. - just when they want to be "the same"

Iam64 Tue 21-Jan-14 08:21:37

it's dispiriting, how early the pressure on girls starts. It's many years since my lot left junior school, but even so, the bra issue had arisen by year 6, age 10. Some girls are starting menstruating at 9 or earlier, others are 13 or older. My girls were in the skinny group, and we compromised on crop tops. Would any of us choose to go back to the pre-teen or teenage years. Not me.

Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 09:34:11

@Micelf the class teacher is male so I'm not sure how this would work. I will suggest the crop top solution. I agree that being a teen is a nightmare now it seems preteens but DGD says her papa does not want to know if things aren't right and my DD is someone who buries herself in work .thank you for the advice

annodomini Tue 21-Jan-14 09:49:06

I had no idea until last year that bras came in size 28AA! I don't think I was ever that size. However GD was 10 and definitely beginning to acquire breasts. At 11, she is now well developed and seems to have a collection of bras. These crop tops might well be a good compromise for your GD. But don't just buy them without consulting her!

Nelliemoser Tue 21-Jan-14 10:15:09

I have posted about my mum on the previous mums thread!
As my mum never ever talked about such thing as bras and as I had by this time sensed that they were vaguely rude. I ended up buying a cheap one from Woolworth's with my pocket money. I was probably about 13/14 and needed one by then.

Given these experiences, I would probably get a Crop top on the basis of letting a daughter feel like the others.

rosesarered Tue 21-Jan-14 10:35:44

I agree with Nelliemoser as feeling part of the group is very important when you are young, if her Mum agrees, perhaps you could go with DGD so she can try on some pretty crop tops?

Mishap Tue 21-Jan-14 11:22:13

My very skinny DD wore a 28AA when she was in first year at secondary school and that was a very long time ago - she will be 40 this year. So I do not think this pressure is new. I had no problem with it - it made her feel one of the crowd and did her no harm. If I were your DD I would go with the flow and help her to to feel accepted.

I remember being a skinny teenager and my Mum fought against me having a bra till I was 14/15 - I felt a total outcast. Don't put the wee lass through it - just go with the flow and take her out to choose something pretty that she will enjoy wearing. Do it together, stay friends, don't tell her she has nothing to put in it - that will make her feel even worse! She will appreciate her Mum's understanding when she is older and remember her kindness.

When you are that age and aware that others are overtaking you in the development stakes, the last thing you need to hear from your own Mum is that you have nothing to put in it!! Sorry to be blunt but I remember my own misery and would not want that visited on anyone else!

Incidentally I still have my DD's 28AA bra in the wardrobe upstairs - I could not bear to part with it!

janerowena Tue 21-Jan-14 11:26:29

Please let her have a crop top! My daughter suddenly sprouted at ten, I felt so sad for her, but didn't want any ogling as it was clearly visible through her t-shirts, and she said that many of her friends were in crop tops and changing was becoming awkward after games.

I was so glad i did buy her some (also now you can buy something called 'trining bras') because the following year her caretaker at school was arrested - he had been wandering into the changing rooms after their netball matches and taking photos of the ones not wearing crop tops or bras and posting them on the internet.

Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 11:42:36

I think this is brilliant advice. I'm not doing well with my own DD at the moment as she ,as my husband says ,anything we do or advise instantly rejects.. We have another six days here and shops are very limited ie top end of the market or bottom end but I will try and take her to choose something but will that be overstepping boundaries with her mother?
@Annodomini I will show her the m&s ones and suggest I post them to her. I've already spent £60 on socks pants and sweat shirts as their machine here was on the blink and destroys clothes anyway so I wanted seven days of clean undies for them!

Mishap Tue 21-Jan-14 11:51:45

I think what I meant was that her own Mum should take her out to get one - I personally would not risk getting anything that my DD was against. But I do think she is wrong to resist it. Might be hard to persuade her if she is in an anti-advice mood! Good luck!

Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 12:56:53

No I don't want to get them for her. I think it's her mums job . I won't be having any conversation with her mum because the parents are going skiing and his mum is following on from us. Other GM tends to call a spade a shovel and does not do tact with the DGCS so I would not expect DGD to discuss it with her. I will prime DGD to talk to her mother and tell her that she should ask me to send them from the UK. MIGHT galvanise her into action. Too many hers in there so I've gone back and put initials in.

Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 16:50:37

I'm back now because as I tidied the children's beds up I noticed something stuck down the back of her mattress. She had cut up a camisole type vest to make a crop top. My DH has said get her some then and face the music when her mum gets back. I won't be here. Opinions please and help as I think my DH has decided to go low contact with me .my sil speaks to me occasionally and she texts my DH .

Stansgran Tue 21-Jan-14 16:51:43

Not DH I mean DD going low contact.

Nelliemoser Tue 21-Jan-14 17:03:55

Stansgran That is difficult for her. If she is with now talk to her about how she thinks her mum might react and see what she says. It is difficult if you are worried about stopping contact. Given what I explained earlier about my experiences I really feel for her.

I guess a small pack of three or so would not cost much and in that case it would not be as if you are giving her a massively expensive gift. Just a "Grannies treat" Cheaper than a meal at McDonalds I expect.

Ana Tue 21-Jan-14 17:18:07

I'd advise against - DD could see it as interfering and still not let DGD wear them. It's a tough one!

Iam64 Tue 21-Jan-14 17:38:10

This is a real dilemma isn't it. Is it possible to buy a pack from somewhere like M&S, and agree with your granddaughter the items aren't to be unpacked, or worn until her mum has seen them. You could use the old excuse that we grans are so old fashioned, and don't want to upset our daughters by buying something they wouldn't like their children to wear. If the receipt is kept with the tops in the M&S bag, hopefully that would take the sting out of any possible over reaction. The risk is your granddaughter agrees to this, and promptly wears them as soon as you've left ...

Elegran Tue 21-Jan-14 18:37:10

If you do buy her the crop tops, put the cut-up vest into the bag as well as the receipt, and a note to her mum telling her that you have bought them to rplace the DIY one as she seemed so upset by being "left behind" but are giving them to DGD through her (DD) so that she can see what they are like and pass them as suitable.

If you get plain ones that don't look sexy, she might accept them better.

Mishap Tue 21-Jan-14 18:45:02

How about you give her a little present of some money that she can spend as she wishes? - if she buys a bra, it will not be you who has instigated it and your DD cannot object. I cannot imagine your DD would refuse to let her wear it. Would she?

It is such a shame that this has become such a big issue for everyone. I so feel for this lass - she is obviously feeling a bit desperate if she is trying to create her own - how sad for her.

I would only add that it is bad enough that it has become a big issue at home for her, but if it spills over into an open difference of opinion between you and your DD then it will be very hard for your GD.

It is such a small thing (in every way!) that your DD really does need to get it in perspective. Dealing with this pre-adolescent phase needs some real sensitivity so that the lass can keep her self-respect and take a pride in her developing body. It's not as if she is asking for something overtly sexualised like a thong; she just wants to be in with the in-crowd.

Does your DD find it hard to recognise that her child is growing up and really will be developing boobs before you know it!?

BlueBelle Tue 21-Jan-14 19:42:18

They all wear little crop tops as someone has already mentioned they are not really bras but they feel as if they are more like a sports bra. Both my 10 year old GD s don't have boobs as such but they are all scared their little nipples will show through their shirts so the little crop tops stop that happening they had some when they was about 9 and seem very happy with them

Deedaa Tue 21-Jan-14 21:15:56

I remember life at Grammar School being a nightmare when I was 11 because almost everyone was wearing a bra and people like me were continually made fun of. My mother was completely dismissive when I told her and thought the whole idea was stupid. I was also the only girl in the class who didn't wear a petticoat - again my mother assured me that NOBODY wears a petticoat to school! The funny thing is that I can't remember when, or how I eventually got bras and petticoats. I only know that I did get them in the end.

seasider Tue 21-Jan-14 21:18:06

When I was school many years ago everyone wore the same Berlei teen form gingham bra because there was not much choice. The smallest size was 28 AA so things were no different then.