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I feel so ashamed and angry with myself

(42 Posts)
FRANKIE Sat 07-Jun-14 17:58:09

My Dad died 7 years ago, leaving his wife, my stepmother, in my charge. I will call her Mildred. I did not meet her until I was 40, so have no bond with her. She has no children of her own, and is now in a residential home. (I have Power of Attorney). She was a spoilt self centred woman - and my own mother died a bitter, lonely woman because of my father's relationship with Mildred.
My Dad was a blue collar worker, and budgeted and saved to buy his bungalow. Mildred did a bit of shop work, but did not put any money into the house.
So now I am visiting her once a week, sorting out all her affairs, and have just sold my Dad's bungalow to pay for her care. And I resent every penny (675 pounds per week) that is being spent.
If it was for my own mother I would be happy to pay extra towards it to give her a comfortable life, but with Mildred I really, really begrudge it. She is now 92, and although quite frail looks as if she will live to a 100 !!
I am 72, and am not in need of the money - but when I look at my grandchildren and how they are struggling I do wish I had some of that money to help them along.
And it bugs me that in the next room there is another old lady who, through no fault of her own, lived in rented accomodation and had no savings but is getting the same treatment and good living as Mildred!!
It just seems so unfair - and I have enough conscience to know that I am being very uncharitable to an old lady; so, anyone got any advice for me on how to stop myself being such an awful person - so ashamed of myself.

suzied Tue 10-Jun-14 21:03:09

My dad left my sister, brother and I his house with my stepmum having a life interest. 20 years later we have now inherited the house. No problems, though the solicitors charged an extortionate fee for doing nothing for 20 years.

nightowl Tue 10-Jun-14 22:04:11

Nfk I'm sorry you had a bad experience with social services. I know the system can be awful. It feels awful from within as well, and as you say, is impossible to overcome flowers

So glad it worked well for you kitty smile

AnneMaria Tue 17-Jun-14 09:19:52

If you didn't expect an inheritance then you wouldn't be bitter if it didn't come your way. You didn't have to accept PoA. That sounds harsh but surely it isn't about the money but about making sure an old woman who has no one else is comfortable in her final days. You don't need to visit often just call up once in a while to check she is okay. The home will have your details so can call you if need be.

sparkygran Tue 17-Jun-14 18:56:20

Frankie I have little to add to all the advice given except to say don`t beat yourself up about how you feel about Mildred and get some legal I`m the wino on the forums

Coolgran65 Tue 17-Jun-14 20:46:07

Just to say that my father initially had left his house to myself and my brother with the proviso that mother would have it for as long as she needed it. After a few years he thought better of that and actually got the house transferred into the names of myself and my brother, the understanding being that it would always be there for mum.

My father died first and mum continued to live in the house for another 8 years at which time she needed full time care (alzeimers). She went into a care home at the end of the road where I lived.
The house remained as it was. I went to it every few weeks and cleaned the windows etc. The long time neighbours kept an eye on it for me.
Even though it belonged to us, and my mum would never ever be back to the house, it still didn't seem right to get rid of it.
Eventually mum passed on and we put the house on the market two weeks later.
There was a clear trust between my father and us that the house would always be there for mum.
This worked very well but it is based on trust and there is always a risk that it could be abused.

Trevor47 Thu 24-Jul-14 15:39:20

Try Not To Feel Bad about how you Feel Frankie.
your only human remember and also no one's perfect.
I can relate to how you Feel but in a different way.
My Dad who is now elderly and spends his life in bed now due to poor health
and relies upon the daily help from carers and My Mum(Who Is also elderly and in poor physical health)
used to beat me very badly and it got so bad that I resorted to running away from home for days on end.
and when I would eventually go back home I would be beaten badly again for running away.
but sometimes my mum would prevent him for beating me
otherwise I feel he would have beaten me to death one day.
it was that bad.
for example once evening he came home from work and I had bunked school that day and so knew I would be beaten when he came home.
so There I was standing and trembling in the kitchen surrounded by my mum and two sisters.
and when my dad walked in my mum told him I had bunked school again and I remember my dad flying into a rage and picked up a lead with a plug on the end and whacked me on my forehead!
I screamed and fell onto the floor and just cried from the sheer pain and shock of it all.
by the following morning a Huge bruise had come up on my forehead and I remember worrying about how I would say to my mates when they saw it and asked me what happened?
another Time My Dad Attempted to strangle me!
I'm absolutely serious Frankie!
my dad Strangled Me and could have killed me if he had not realize the reality of what he was doing to me?
so now years on my relationship with my dad isn't good.
I still avoid talking to him.
and never say hello or goodbye and when I found my mum I never ask how is daddy?
as a child I was scared of my dad because he was such a bad tempered violent man.
and on the rare occasion that I go into his bedroom to give him his cup of tea
I avoid eye contact and never say hi at all.
I'm not proud of any of this but this is a result of years of mistreatment and it has damaged my relationship with my dad.
I accept that I was a naughty child cause i would bunk school and later run away from home but my dad didn't need to resort to beating as much and badly as he did.
so I can certainly understand why you feel as you do about Mildred frankie.
hopefully things will improve before she passes away.
Just as I hope I can repair to a certain extent the damage between my dad and me before he also dies.
best wishes to you.

Soutra Thu 24-Jul-14 15:48:17

Well, well, well. Fancy this thread being resurrected tbhmm

whenim64 Thu 24-Jul-14 15:50:07

You've certainly found your way round the forums very quickly.

janerowena Thu 24-Jul-14 15:52:59

If some people have no-one to talk to, and need to get something out of their system, then a forum is a good place to do it. You would think.

john2205 Mon 18-Aug-14 17:43:10

Yes I am afraid the the £675 is reasonable

itslamby Sun 26-Jul-20 18:17:05

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Auntieflo Sun 26-Jul-20 22:13:11


Well, well, well. Fancy this thread being resurrected tbhmm

Just that really.
Another one!

Urmstongran Sun 26-Jul-20 22:32:10


DanniRae Mon 27-Jul-20 07:46:06


vampirequeen Mon 27-Jul-20 09:28:47

As others have said, you need to get legal advice. You can't be forced to sell your property to pay for her care home. She only had the right to live in the bungalow for as long as she needed to.

DanniRae Mon 27-Jul-20 10:42:26

Do people realise that this is a thread from 2014?