Hello

Paula8 - it has been mentioned about how quickly you appear to have made your decision.

From my own experience my decision 'looked' to have been made in the blink of an eye. It surprised everyone. But noone knew the years (20 years) that I had thought about it, considered it, and actually hoped that he would find someone else.... because I didn't want to hurt him. At the very moment I decided to end the marriage, I just knew that I had to do it for me, my mental health was teetering. Family and friends were shocked - just shows what a good actress I was - a crying clown.

Another point, when a marriage comes to an end, even a bad marriage, it can be like a bereavement for the loss of what might have been.

All this eventually passes. I am very fond of the saying... 'this too shall pass'. And so it will.

None of us know the heartache that Paula may have faced, or how long her unhappiness has undermined her, I wish Paula and her daughter/children the strength to get through this.

Thank you coolgran your kind words give me stengh to realise that there will be an end thank you

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paula Are you really surprised your DH gave you a "dirty look"? You have just apparently given him his marching orders without any attempt at counseling or reconciliation ( I did ask) and if that is out of character for him, as you say, then he is clearly not the aggressive type! Anybody who thought their marriage while maybe not perfect but nevertheless ticking along OK would be similarly gobsmacked. The " bereavement" element of failed marriage works both ways. Have you taken legal advice to see where you stand? I think this is very important if you are serious and especially if the two of you are unable or unwilling to comunicate.

I have only just come to this thread and have great sympathy for Paula8. My own marriage was very happy but I have often had to help friends who were in a similar position as Paula.

I found that they had put on a front for many years before they finally had enough, friends would tell them they were making a hasty decision when in fact it was something they had contemplated and agonised over for years. It is just because I was lucky enough to be married to a man who I loved completely and who made me feel loved in return that I can sympathise with someone who doesn't have that.

On a practical note Paula, do take legal advice about separating, while you are in an emotional state you are not able to see the whole picture and you need to protect yourself legally.

There are patches like this in every marriage, and it is very seldom that only one partner is entirely in the wrong and the other entirely in the right. Both parties need to sit down together and work out what to do to improve things.

If you cannot fix it yourselves despite trying, then you take it to a counsellor to see whether they can suggest ways to return to (maybe not the excitement of the first years) working together and appreciating one another. Only after that do you decide that if all is over, parting is for the best.

Making a unilateral decision after a few days, based as you claim on the responses you have had here from people who have never met you, does look to me to be treating the situation like an episode from a soap. It seems almost like a short pulp fiction story.

Wise words in every way, Elegran

I don't think Paula would have made her decision based on the replies she received on this forum, more likely it was a decision she had already made. We don't know if she has friends or family she can talk this over with so maybe just posting on here helped her get everything straight in her head and gave her the impetus to take the first step

OP did not actually make it clear this was a done deal and members have offered genuine advice based on trying to be helpful. If paula merely wanted reasdurance that she had done the right thing this was not made clear. Elegran has said some very wise words. I would add "act in haste...repent at leisure"?

Coolgran65 and Sunseeker I think you've both hit the nail on the head. This isn't the sudden decision that it may seem, it's probably been bubbling under the surface for a long time.

Counselling will only work if both people are open to it. Going to sessions would be no good if only one person is willing to listen and participate, especially if one of them won't even acknowledge that there are problems to be addressed . . .

As Paula has already said on a previous post, coming on here has given her some clarity. Plus, she knows that others have 'taken the plunge', however reluctantly, and come through it.

I agree that Paula should seek legal advice to see where she stands and to work out the practicalities.

Any separation definitely needs legal advice. What may be agreed verbally between the parties can take a very different turn after a few months. Legal Advice will make clear the position, and especially if there are any children involved.

Elegran. Nail, head.

I think that getting legal advice is definitely what she should be concentrating on now...

Hopefully she can get an appointment fairly quickly and let us know how it went.

Lots of unanswered questions paula8 is it being intrusive to ask your response to them?

THank you for your kind words and thoughts, yes I have been thinking about leaving for many years, I wanted to leave 10 years ago, we had sold the house and we were going our seperate ways but he became ill and I stayed to help him because I could not leave him unwell and alone.

But ten years down the line and I am still un happy,councelling is not going to help because I do not want to be with him any more, it has been over for a very long time, we live seperate lives.

I loved this man very much, he was my world til one day he came home and told me he did not love me any more and when I tried to reason with him he was quite nasty towards me and pushed me away.

We may aswell of split up that day because I never got over that.

I did not want to get so personal with it but you have all helped me so much that it is only fair that you know the whole story.

I want to thank you agian for your support, right now it means alot.

You didn't mention in your OP that he had said he didn't love you any more, I was getting the impression that it was you that didn't love him?

Yes phoenix after he said he did not love me any more, I changed, I became un trusting. then un trust led to falling out of love with him, slowly but very surely. Thank you for your post{smile]

Paula I know how draining living your life must have been. Hopefully now you will start a new life and become 'you' again.

You know actually saying this out loud is helping me to figure it all out, prior to speaking about it, it was all one massive mess.

Someone mentioned on GN that I possibly do not have close family to talk to about this, well that is of sourse trus, only the children and I do not want to burden them with any of it, but I think that speing to GNetters has been even more helpful than speaking to family, had I had any, because it is a less Bias opinion/advice that I have received.

Thank you once agian

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Thank you so much Mini thank you

This does sound rather different to your OP and the impression you gave that he had no idra of how you felt. The "dirty look" also seems strange in the context of him npt loving you any more. But what about the practical issues? You seem to be in denial about the legal side of things. What about the house? Do you have a job that will keep you are your children still living at home? Divorce is not just about falling out of love and you have been.given practical pointers by many people who have been there.

You could be in danger of getting a MYOB Soutra.

Phoenix is that dot trying to tell us something?

!!!

The forum is all about discussion. Helpful ideas and constructive questioning contribute to clarifying the problem and providing the best solution.