Come and talk to us (and Mumsnetters) about the MIL/DIL relationship

Over on the Mumsnet thread, Goldmandra has said...

" she always slips back into her old, selfish, self-centred, disrespectful ways.

I wonder if that's what my MIL thought of me

I know she told someone else that I was too full of my own opinions, basically because I wouldn't join in with her xenophobia, and she didn't like the fact that my children were allowed to have desserts without finishing the mains, etc.

I definitely think she thought I was disrespectful but there were some things I couldn't just go along with and I was never rude about disagreeing with her.

She couldn't bear that our DD2 was named after my aunt and she refused to use her name, calling her 'madam' or 'the other one' instead. She had instructed us to give our children very short names and hated the fact that we didn't obey.

So sad when you think about it. If she'd been nicer to them and DH we would have seen a lot more of her. It's too late now."

Over on the Mumsnet thread:

MrsGSR has said:

"My MIL is amazing, we get on really well, which is good as she is very close to my DH.

When DD was born she told me that she trusts that I'll do what's best for DD so supports whatever parenting decisions I make. After reading a few threads on here I am very grateful for that!

We talk about everything, which took a little while to get used to as my family is a bit more conservative: my father's idea of 'the sex talk' was just to say "remember you're not married yet" when I went to stay with my then fiancé.

The only time I ever bite my tongue is in relation to DH's younger brother. MIL does far too much for him and although she never complains I know it wears her out. Sometimes I hint that she should take a break, but I don't think it's my place to say more."

Xcountry has said:

"My MiL is wonderful, I didn't grow up with a mum of my own because I was taken off her at 4 months old and DH and I have been together since highschool. She is everything I ever wanted in a mother, she is supportive but not prying, she doesn't judge, she lives nearly and loves to be involved with the kids.

She will pop round for a coffee if she is passing for a chat and doesn't pass judgement if I haven't hoovered that day or I am still in my PJs and I like that because she is human that way, some of my friends have MiLs who announce their visit weeks in advance like you are expecting the queen and come around and want to do dusting and ironing etc so there is tension from the start."

Trooperslane has said:

"Mine is amazing.

When people in work did the 'what are you doing at the weekend?' chat and I said that mil was coming they were always like or ...

Whereas I was doing happy cartwheels and going Yaaay

She's lovely. She's kind, supportive beyond belief and loves me - she tells me all the time.

She's amazing with dd and at 77, is as fit as I've ever been and is a pillar of the community, hugely generous with her time and money and if I'm half the woman she is, I'll be happy.

(Feeling all emotional now)

She's coming over (different part of the UK) soon and I can't wait "

TheScottishPlay has said:

"I have a reasonable relationship with Pils, they are interested in DS, will help us if they can etc. The relationship will never be any better because they idolise sil and we do not get on.
A few years ago sil was rotten to DS while at pils and it was DS who told me about it rather than them. As a result we had severe words which myself, DH and pils have recovered from but not
sil. We do not see too much of them as though they are local Sil and her horrible children are ALWAYS there."

ProbablyJustGas has said:

"I had to smile at this comment: "I never got on with his first wife, I soon learnt to keep my mouth shut with her and never interfere with anything." My MIL and I finally started getting along when she stopped criticizing so much and stopped trying to interfere with everything!

To be fair to my MIL, I am my DH's second wife, and when his first wife left, she had no idea that they'd been having problems, so their divorce came as a real shock. I think, looking back, she must have had a hard time trusting a new woman, especially with my DSD, who was very shy and sensitive and worried all the time about being "good".

That said, I also agree with a poster who said that most MIL/DIL issues are actually DH issues. My DH was a momma's boy growing up, he was shy and sensitive himself, and his DM was headstrong and opinionated (like me...). For years, he did not feel he could speak his mind to his DM without greatly upsetting her, so he avoided establishing boundaries with her. So, when she met me - a grown, independent woman who had been single for years and did not need or appreciate being "mothered" again - we clashed. Things really began to turn a corner for all of us the day he looked her in the eye after an argument and said, "You were out of line."

After she backed off, it was actually easier to listen to what she had to say. It felt a lot more like advice that we could take or leave, and a lot less like someone trying to make us do what she wanted us to do. She figured out I loved her son and her granddaughter dearly, and I figured out that she loves them dearly too. Maybe we were both just trying way too hard earlier on."

ballsballsballs has said:

"I'm on my second marriage.

My first MIL and I got on well superficially. However, she kowtowed to her husband and was always astonished and slightly irked that I did not kowtow to her eldest. In hindsight, I think that's how she coped with her overbearing husband and I feel compassionate towards her now. My XH was abusive which I'm sure she didn't want to believe.

My MIL is lovely. We come from wildly different backgrounds but can find common ground about almost any subject or have a debate. She likes the fact I have opinions, which is something she taught my DH too. We socialise away from DH. DMIL is a widow and loves musicals, which DH hates, so we go out several times a year on our own. She's perfected a 'silly old lady' persona to deal with officialdom which always makes me laugh as she's very shrewd.

We had a brief problem when DH and I were planning our wedding, and she became a bit preoccupied with my weight. I had a chat with her and explained how hurt I was at her comments, and she has said nothing about my weight since. I don't think she was being malicious, just a bit thoughtless. She is very loving (in a stiff-upper-lip way), smart and generous, and I think she's fabulous. I feel blessed to have someone like her in my life."

Goldmandra has responded to Hollydaze...

"Oh my goodness, Hollydaze! She sounds like a nightmare and you're a saint for having put up with any of her behaviour!

Suddenly I don't feel so bad. I could never in a million years offer that lack of respect to anyone, let alone my DH's mother. I disliked a lot of what she did and an awful lot of the things she said but I could never have been openly rude to her.

She welcomed me into her house for weekends when I met DH because we lived 150 miles apart and, even though her house rules were rather bizarre, I was considerate and polite at all times.

I found the fact that she was always ready with a put-down for my DH and couldn't accept my DD2 because she was named after my aunt hard to deal with but I generally let things go and DD2's AS meant that she said the unsayable for me quite often.

I'm sad that we didn't have a better relationship and I do wonder if I could have made more effort. It just always felt too unrewarding. I have told DD1 that if I ever stop being a pleasure to visit she has to tell me and stop visiting if I don't pull my head in."

Over on Mumsnet...

lovesmycake has said:

"I struggle with my MIL as she has a lot of emotional issues which can make her behavior challenging at times, but I try to always remember that she adores our DS, he is lucky to have such love in his life and I would never come between that.
I also found that once I learned about her life and what she had been through it gave me a much better understanding of why she behaves the way she does and helped me be more compassionate towards her despite her challenging behavior."

beccajoh has said:

"My MIL is great. We get on really well and she's been really helpful the last few months whilst I've been ill. I trust 100% with my children and she's happy to follow my instructions and doesn't interfere. We call each other for chats. Right from the start she's treated me like family. She's much harder on her own daughters than she is with me, though, opinions about raising children and so on. As a MIL she's brilliant but not sure I'd feel the same way if she was my own mother."

Thehoneybadger has said:

"omg @ hollydaze's DIL. i'd be changing the locks personally.

i don't have a MIL but if i had one i would hope she didn't fall into thinking that i, as a female, was now another mother to her son and his social secretary into the bargain as ex's mum's (though generally lovely) have done.

there seems to be such a common pattern of the dil being expected to sort everything out re: presents, cards, social occassions etc rather than the man dealing with his own family obligations. i'd want to be involved in the other family but for my partner to be lead on his own family iyswim. other gems from ex's mothers have been things like telling me that he needs to eat better, that i could be a good influence on x issue, that i need to remind him to do y etc. hard to stay attracted to a man and see him as an equal when you're being expected to take over/extend mummying duties by his mother and all a bit embarrassing to be honest. your son is an adult.

i think things are most strained when actually the parent and child don't have a good relationship or have a difficult history and the dil is put in the position of having to gloss over that or facilitate it - either by others or by the deluded idea that that is what she has to do as dil. people need to sort out their relationships directly and being put in, or getting in the middle leads to a lot of stress."

enormouse has said:

"DPs mum is lovely, very bohemian and artistic. The DSes both adore her., especially DS1 who would see his gaga every day if he could.

We didn't get on at first - quite understandably, I had gotten pregnant with DS1 just after leaving university. and DSil was a bit of a shit stirrer
But 3 years on, we're good friends and according to DFil she considers me to be a stable, grounding influence on Dp.

She is wise, knowledgeable and helpful but never interfering or overbearing. And as an original bfing, blw (before it had the name) advocate she's always been supportive of my parenting in a way my DM isn't."

FinDeSemaine has said:

"I reckon Annodomini is right with Best advice I can give to any prospective MiL is: NEVER give unsolicited advice!

Quite honestly, any difficulties I have had with my MIL could have been entirely avoided if she had done this - oh, and agreed to at least try to abide by my parenting choices."

SholerAndChocolate has said:

"I struggle with my MIL, I married her baby and she finds it hard to let go. She can't accept that at 33 he is old enough to make his own decisions, she won't let go of her family traditions do her children in favour of blended ones for our children. Eg Christmas (sticking point for everyone really! ) she insists on spending x amount on the children as that's what she spent in her children. She won't allow us any input as to what she buys and x amount is actually more than I spend on the children the stuff is unsuitable for the ages and often if it's clothes just doesn't fit. It may sound petty, but when she is essentially refusing to allow you to buy Christmas presents for your own children (as you know there will be too muh crap in the house) it's grating.

My MIL also favours my eldest dd and ds (first born son and first born daughter) meaning poor dd2 gets left out and forgotten. It breaks my heart and creates contention."

ThinkAboutItTomorrow has said:

"My MIL needs to take a step back from her children's lives.

She has 4 children but 2 are NC with her and FIL. At least one of these is due to interfering and bad behaviour from her, including trying to get her prospective DIL to lie to her then fiance (now husband). PIL haven't seen that son and DIL since the day of the wedding - 8 years ago.

She hasn't really learned. Their youngest (my SIL) went to Uni and they sold up and moved to her uni town. Then she settled somewhere else after uni and they moved to that town (to live with my SIL). SIL has left to live abroad and PIL keep following them. They will stay with them for 6 months this year.

They have no permanent house so tend to stay with us when back in the UK. It has been by increments - they come for a couple of weeks and stay 3 months. They do it again. Me and DP are too nice to just say 'no'. But I have reached the point where I need to.

When PIL get back from travelling in February they are welcome to stay for a week, maybe 2 but I am absolutely not having them any longer. They are not good or helpful house guests, and I like my space and my privacy.
Last time they stayed they were invited on holiday with us for a week (we paid for it) but they stayed with us for 5 weeks. Uninvited and just announcing they would be with us until mid to end June. It is just assumed. Then MIL got sulky that she wasn't feeling welcome. That is because she was welcome for a week. Not 5 weeks.

They need to settle somewhere and build lives for themselves that doesn't revolve around travel and the children. But I can't see it happening."

rockybalboa has said:

"My MIL is ok. We are from very different backgrounds and have different standards of living (I think her house is filthy, cluttered and stinks of dog and plug in air freshener) and she never seems comfortable in our house. But she loves my DC completely and spoils them rotten when she sees them which is about every 2 months as they live several hours away. Tbh I could have done with choosing some clothes for my own children when they were babies esp as our tastes are different (me: Boden type stripes and appliqués, her: slogan type stuff about Mummy and Daddy) but it's about the worse thing I've had to deal with. DH doesn't have a great relationship with his family tbh. He loves them all very much but has distanced himself geographically and almost on class basis. More his issues than mine though. She doesn't interfere, criticise or try and undermine our parenting decisions though so can't really complain too much."

DearDinah has said:

"My MIL passed away in February far too young.
In the early days our relationship seemed strained. I was sure she did not like me, nor choose me for her son.
As the years went by, I must have proved myself and she said our wedding day was the happiest day of her life.
Now I'm 8 months pregnant with what would have been her first grandchild and I have so much I want to ask her. She loved children, was a nursery nurse for most of her life and raised her children in the happiest of environments, even if things were tough.
I regret not talking with her more. In the last 3 weeks of her life, we were the closest we had ever been, I would lie in her bed with her and we would talk about my baby. She said she would see him or her from heaven and not to worry about a thing.
I'm not sure if this is what you wanted, but I just wanted to say, even when you don't seem to read from the same hymn sheet, it never hurts to make an effort. When they are gone they are gone and you can never get that time back."

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias has said:

"My MIL is a lovely, kind, generous woman and a brilliant grandmother. I don't think I love her, exactly, but we have love in common. We both love my DH and we both love the DC. We both have a lot to gain from building a strong partnership.

She's incredibly generous her time and has helped us with childcare many, many times. I do everything I can to make sure she has lots of access to the GC, and that she's part of all possible family occasions. She and FIL are both starting to struggle with their health and I do as much as she'll let me to help them.

Writing this, I suppose actually we do love each other. As they say, "love" is a verb. We both try to do plenty of loving things for each other. "

MadMaddox has said:

"I have had both types of relationship with my MIL: good and bad. She came to this country after the war and met and married her husband here - he was also from her home country. She has always felt that people from her home country are better: more beautiful/handsome, cleverer, more style, better food etc etc etc.

I have been with my DH for 30 years and, in the first instance, before she even met me she would make derogatory remarks to DH about the time he spent with me. One remark when he returned home late after missing the last tube went along the lines of "Did you enjoy yourself in her bed?". All that said, we eventually met and made the best of it and, through sheer force of willpower on my part (by being a complete doormat with her) we got on well. We would spend time together and I really really tried to be the DIL she seemed to feel she deserved. Her relationship with her own daughter was fractious and I tried to "be there" for her, especially after her husband (FIL) died suddenly. Many member s of the family remarked on her mental health problems and there were clear signs that she had probably always suffered with her mental health. I tried harder to help her and be her friend.

Fast forward to today: I now no longer have a relationship with her. Two years ago I started to notice that I was becoming the brunt of her anger. She would spend hours on the phone to me every day moaning about her lot in life: nobody cared about her, she had no-one etc etc etc. I tried to fill the gap. Then the abuse and swearing started: she would phone and slam the phone down me for no reason, I got told to "speak to her like I spoke to my bloody f**king family", I got told to f**k off at various times, I was told I was raising my son the wrong way: feeding him too much/not enough, making sure he was too full to eat at her house, not letting him come to her house - basically spiking her relationship with her grandson.

So, in answer to your question: I don't think there is anything I can do to build bridges with her. She is unable to see her own fault in any of this and refuses to seek help - believe me we have tried. She rewrites her life all the time and lies about what has been said/done etc. DH is now the only one to have any contact with her and that is sparing as he was abused by her as a child and has little love for her...just a son's ingrained sense of duty that makes him make the odd phone call/pop round.

I am aware that this probably makes me seem uncaring...abandoning an old lady to her madness but I just can't do it anymore. I have spent 28 years trying to be everything she would ever want in a DIL, only to fall so far short that I realise that I have actually wasted all that time and I was a food to myself. I genuinely cared for her (and still do, truth be known) but can no longer put myself in that situation - I ended up seeing a counsellor and being advised to take anti-depressents."

domoarigato has said:

"I feel betrayed by my MIL. We got on for 8 years... then I had my baby and she turned into a prat of the highest order."

ChampagneAndCrisps has said:

"My MIL was also fine till I had my first baby.

Then she was critical of everything. Would I lose my baby weight (weeks post natal)? Told me 'I didn't know what to do with him' (baby), on my third pregnancy at 7 months she asked me if I'd lose weight in time for her daughter's wedding. She was rude about the food I fed to my babies - wanting to add salt to it 'tasteless', wanting to put rusk in their milk. I fully breastfed the last 3 on purpose so she couldn't interfere. She was rude about the need for car seats, critical of the pram we chose.

I could go on...

Funnily enough she seems to respect me more now because I've coped well with chronic illness in two of my kids. But I can't be bothered with her. I'm polite to her, I listen to her rabbit on about her friends. But I don't really care.

To be a good MIL I think you need to respect the new woman in the family and encourage her. Not be rude all the time. She referred to herself as mum when my daughter was a toddler.

I'm sure there are great MILs out there. It comes down to personality."

Cyclebump has said:

"My MIL is lovely. My inlaws are my second family and I adore them. I don't always agree with some of their views and our backgrounds are different but they're lovely.

My MIL didn't have an easy relationship with her mum and one of her MILs sounded dreadful (DH's grandpa married twice). She was rude and continually critical. It's meant she is extra careful to be nice and I often tell her how much I appreciate her to make sure she knows it.

I am now pg with my second son and I really hope I can be the support she has been and that my DILs will have the affection I have for my MIL."

zumby has said:

"I struggled with MIL when we first met, mainly because we are very difficult characters; for example she does not believe in saying "no" to children, whereas I like firm boundaries and am not afraid to say no. MIL struggles to make day to day deciusions and I am very opinionated

However, over the years we have got to understand each other. That's not to say we';re best of friends, but we do get on - FIL has recently died and so I am much more tolerant of her, also we have both grown up a lot since the days we first met.

What makes our relationship work is MIL utterly loving my children, her first grandchildren. She will look after them fortnightly (one each fortnight) and builds a good bond with them, she tells me how wonderful they are, and cried when DGC1 went to school because she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with them She respects our rules, and whilst of course she parents differently, she does not undermine our parenting.

She helps us out whebn we are in difficulties with childcare when she can.

If there is one piece of advice I would give any MIL-to-be, it is this: Every girlfriend your son brings home could end up your DIL, don't judge them immediately, or your relationship get off to a bad footing at the very beginning. Also do please remember that you are not the parent of your GC, and as much as you would like to call the shots, you don't. A compromise over any issues could possibly be found if you explain why something isnt working for you. Getting forceful or sulky will not get you your own way. Caring for your GC in the best possible way will always win you brownie points "

FinDeSemaine has said:

"Yup, mine was perfectly OK until I had a baby, too. I quite liked her before that. I wish (some) MILs would realise that people need to make their own mistakes and try their own ways of doing things (which might not even turn out to be mistakes)."

SholerAndChocolate has said:

Fin that's just it, just because it's not the way she would do it doesn't make it a mistake! It's not a mistake for me to have 3 children in 4 years just because it would be hell on earth for her - I actually enjoy looking after my children, it's a known fact she hated it. It's not a mistake for us to move 10 minutes from my parents, just because she didn't want to live that close to her parents, especially as I have 3 under 4 and could do with some support (she doesn't want to help in any way)
And if she chooses to only see her (only) grandchildren once a month (sometimes less) for around an hour she has to deal with the concequences of that choice - namely children not knowing who she is and not wanting to cuddle/kiss her chat to her etc."

SmallBee has said:

"I have a lovely MIL. I think I'm very lucky. She told me once her MIL felt that the best thing you could do to keep a good relationship with your DS is to make good friends with his OH. She has a great relationship with her MIL as well.
She is very welcoming & has been great since I've had DD.
I'd guess her only faults would be that she seems to look to me to make sure her DS sees his family-particularly his grandparents. I don't really see why this is up to me, I think she believes I have more influence with my DH then I actually do.
The only other thing I struggle with is she forgets that I have a family we want to spend time with too. So at times such as Christmas it can be a stressful balancing act to keep everyone happy & we do get made to feel very guilty sometimes. Luckily DH loves his mum very much but is very much his own man & won't be swayed by guilt.

However I'm sure I'm not the perfect DIL by any standards but whatever faults I've got my MIL has the good grace to keep it to herself.

I think I've struck MIL gold & I feel as if I can talk to her about anything. I think it speaks volumes that the only thing I can nit pick about is that my MIL wants to see us more. I hope I'm as good a DIL to her as she is a MIL to me."

McBear has said:

"I hit the jackpot with my MIL tbh.

We've had bad moments. She and DDs DF fell out literally during the birth of DD and cut all contact a few days later. it was a horrible first few months. I'm quite scrappy and couldn't face her missing out on DD. We made up and all is forgiven/forgotten.

She's a health visitor and mother of three so her knowledge is very valuable. Especially when I was a terrified with a serious case of PFBitis.

She's never once said a bad thing about my parenting, my DD, the way I do things. She doesn't push her way of doing things. She doesn't interfere. She's always there to help, if I ask.

She's a really strong woman too."

MardyBra has said:

Being of a certain age and fed up with some of the recent cuntishness on here, I lurked on Gransnet recently to see if it was the place for me. I quickly decided I might be approaching the big 5-0, but I wasn't ready for a place that wouldn't let me swear .

One thing that nearly broke my heart, however, were the threads from MILs (and some mothers) who had been cut out of the lives of their grandchildren. Maybe some had been justifiably ostracised, but I was left with an overwhelmingly sad feeling that some may have been cut out over misunderstandings rather than real transgressions.

Too often, I'll see a thread on here where the OP has given a story (which will inevitably be biased in OP's favour) to which there is an overwhelming chorus of "go NC" to which the MIL has no right of reply.

Just wanted to bring this up really.

Wrt my own MIL, she's a mad as a box of frogs but we rub along OK.

catsrus has said:

"I adore my (now ex) MIL - we always got on well, I didn't interfere with her relationship with her son and gcs and she didn't intefere with my relationship with my husband and children . When her idiot son left us for the OW after 25 yrs she said "well Darling if we're not inlaws any more we'll just have to be friends" and we are. She's been the best grandmother ever to my dc and I will be bereft when she dies. I was lucky, I think, in that my own mother clearly got on well with my paternal gm so there was a positive model for me growing up - and my MIL really is a lovely person."

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius has said:

"My MIL is a truly special person. She has brought up her sons to be kind, supportive, humorous men - dh is a great husband, and that is down, in large part to her.

From the first time I met her, she made me feel accepted as part of her ds1's life - we both respect and love each other, enjoy each other's company and have been there to support each other. There have been times where she has felt dh has behaved badly towards me, and she has told him so.

She is dying. She has secondary lung cancer, and there is no more treatment, only palliative care - and it is breaking my heart - I am going to lose someone who is, pretty much, a second mum, a friend, a wonderful MIL, mum and grandma.

I intend to use her as a role model for when I am a MIL. If I am half as good as her, that will be pretty darn good."

There's more...

meringue33 has said:

"My MIL is lovely. She is a sweet old lady with a great sense of humour. She has lived through some tough times socially and personally and I have a tremendous sense of respect for her wisdom and emotional intelligence.

I think with in-laws there will always be the occasional niggle as they're not the same as your own family, do things differently etc. But I think we both make a massive effort because we like each other and know we both love her son. The love he has for her makes me feel very warm towards her as well. I know my husbands parents both doted on him, didn't spoil him just gave him lots of love :-)"

museumum has said:

"I have a good relationship with my mil and I put it down to my dh. He was a fully functioning adult long before I met him. He didn't need his mother to baby him before I came along so she never expected me to take over that role.
Also, as an equal parent, he facilitates the grand mother relationship with our son so it's not all down to me.

I like my mil a lot. But she is my husbands mum, she's not my mum or my best friend. I suspect she feels the same about me."

elastamum has said:

"I thought I had a good relationship with MIL. We got on well, they used to stay in our house, we took them on holidays. Then my H left me and she and FIL dropped me like a stone. Made no effort to find out if I was coping on my own with our 2 young DC. I was very hurt and have never forgiven her "

Mercythompson has said:

"Dear mil.

I am really sad that we don't have the same relationship we used to have. I thought you were were wonderful. You supported me through the birth of both my children. Helped when I was pregnant with ds2 and came a long way at short notice to look after ds1 while I gave birth to ds2.

I did a lot to make sure you had a good relationship with our children and traveled for 10 hours when ds2 was 8 weeks old to visit you.

I wonder if you realise how much it has changed. You don't seem to, but as a family you don't seem to talk about these things. Maybe you have noticed, maybe it makes you sad? It makes me sad.

Even though we talk on the phone every couple of weeks still, even though I do as much as before to ensure you have a good relationship with your grandchildren (who you love and adore) as before, our relationship is broken.

The question I want to ask is 'do you realise why?'
It's not because you obviously favour sil. It's not because you refuse to travel to us and expect us always to visit you. I can live with those things. They are not majore issues.

It's not even that you refuse to accept that ds1 has autism. I have with a lot of sadness come to accept that.

It's not even that you seem to think that we are picking on ds1 by saying that he has autism and therefor have to compensate him for that and are therefor much harder on ds2 as if you somehow feel he is the favoured child because he we are not saying he has any disabilities.

I am writing this here to tell you why. Not that you will see it and not that I will ever tell you. I think me telling you would just 'disappear', a stone thrown into a river that sinks without a trace, like the few other things I have actually challenged you on.

So here we go.

The reason we no longer have a real relationship is that you are constantly trying to prove to me that ds1 doesn't actually have autism and I can't cope with that on top of all the challenges.

It turns out to be impossible to have a real relationship with someone when you can't even tell them the truth about your day.

If you say, got anything on today I can either say 'Ds1 has councelling for his emotional delays (or one of the other multiple appointments) and have you spend not only that conversation but any further conversations dismissing the problem, minimising his and our struggles, emotions, pain and stress. Or I can say 'nothing really'

When you ask how he is I could say 'he doesn't even recognise the half the children in his class after two years' but you would say 'oh they all do that!

(The things you have said that about, before I stopped telling you things include self harming at the age of 4!)

So I don't tell you these things, because I can't handle your reactions.

And because I can't talk about our lives I call you less because all we can have is a very superficial conversation were I tell you we are all fine and happy.

I can't tell you that I am having a nervous breakdown and can hardly leave the house at the moment. That we are having to pay money out of our savings to get someone to help every day.

I can't tell you that ds1 has an appointment to be asses for another possible disorder or that all the professional say he is already suffering from low self esteem.

I can't even tell you that part of way ds2 is so wonderful with people comes from learning to deal with ds1.

What I wish I could tell you is that I will always do everything in my power to make sure you have a good relationship withy children who adore you but it's much much harder now and that I really really miss you."

Goldmandra has said:

"mercy that is heartbreaking.

My MIL did accept that my DDs have Autism but only on the grounds that it came from my family, not hers. This was quite ironic really considering how rigid and change averse she was and her DS (my DH) is. Luckily I felt able to let her have that one in the cause of a quiet life.

I've lost some very good friends who responded in exactly the way your MIL does. I miss them years later. I miss that we could spend every day of the school holidays hanging around in fields picnicking or each other's gardens with water slides. I miss the Christmas celebrations together and the camping weekends.

I know they think we are wrong and they were trying to help our children by correcting our mistakes but they don't see the whole picture. They weren't there at the end of the school day or at bedtime and it wouldn't happen if we had visitors anyway. It always happened after they left or we got home.

Your MIL must feel very helpless watching something she doesn't understand and thinking you are making a huge mistake. It so sad that it's destroying your relationship.

I hope that one day you will find a way to help her see through her prejudices and really listen properly to what life is like with a child who has Autism. Nobody in their right minds would choose to go down that road unnecessarily. One day she may see what is truly going on for you and stand again by your side, supporting you and your DH and enjoying her DGCs as they really are, not as she chooses to see them."

Mercythompson has said:

"Thankyou goldmandra I really hope so. I miss it so much.

These really are the hidden things you loose with a 'hidden' disability."

TribbleWithoutATardis has said:

"I have struggled with my MIL of late. I always felt that we had a good relationship, but lately some of the things she's said have made me want to step back. I get the feeling that she just puts up with me. This makes me a bit sad, but I suppose that's that.

I do love her though, she's very selfless and they'd do anything for us as a family. I don't think we would be where we are without their support. I'll admit that recently they've been going through a real bad patch in terms of family, so maybe my expectations of her are flawed."

Continuing....

Theoldhag has said:

"I feel very blessed to have a lovely soon to be mil, she is kind, thoughtful and very easy to get on with, I really enjoy spending time with her. She has welcomed my 2 dc into the fold and makes a real effort to connect with them, they love her very much.

I feel sad for the years of abuse that she experienced with my Dp's xw, I have told both her and my soon to be dh that I am aghast at the fact that he never stood up for his dm, he however was abused too by narcissistic xw so I guess he was always walking on egg shells.

Still all of that is now in the past for both of them, they are now mending the years if damage that had occurred within themselves and together with regards to their relationship.

We are looking forward to mil moving nearer to us, I can't wait! She is such a fiesty and thinking out of the box woman, I have huge amounts of respect for her.

Ps happy belated birthday to gransnet "

Neeko has said:

"I have a truly lovely MIL. She is interested and involved in our lives without being intrusive. I can chat easily to her and feel very comfortable in her company with or without DH. She looks after the DC every second Friday in term time which I love as it allows them to have a relationship of their own with her which I think is important. (FIL has recently retired and is now there too, which is even better). She even sometimes does the ironing which we really appreciate, but never expect. She bakes wonderful cakes and sometimes does a "cake drop" when we are out as a surprise to come home to. They live a 20 min drive away in the opposite direction from my parents.
For my part I try very hard to keep her involved in our lives. DH works long hours and isn't the best at keeping in touch. I try to send her texts and photos about the DC in the same way I do my own mum and fill her in on the things that DH doesn't always remember to.
If anything, I wish she felt comfortable to be more involved, particularly when the DC were younger and I was off on maternity leave. We have my PIL round often for dinner etc but they wait to be invited and I wish they would drop in more. I feel she missed out on simply sitting holding her grandchildren when they were babies because she didn't want to overstep and that makes me a bit .
She comments on how busy our lives are and hints that's why she doesn't pop in, but I wish she'd believe me when I tell her we are never too busy for her!
I realise I am very lucky, especially as my own DM's relationship with her MIL is so strained, but that's maybe why I make more of an effort."

ktlq has said:

"This is a fascinating thread for me; I often feel down that my relationship with my MIL and SIL isn't better. They are both dominant, overbearing women who I struggle to deal with - and I hate the feeling that I've got to put up with their games for the rest of my life. It puts a strain on our marriage but now at 10yrs plus I've realised like Goldmandra said that I can't make an effort any more than is necessary. They have never rung me particularly, orchestrating what they want to do re seeing our children, via my husband. I have tried over the years to do what I can to alter this but I'm obviously not up to the role of welcomed and accepted DIL. I try hard not to blame myself but at other times I think I have just been unlucky.

The theme of this thread seems to be that imperfect MIL/DIL relationships result from being critical, judgemental, interfering, unaccepting. Someone on gransnet said: I never say 'oh I haven't seen you for 3 weeks.' Good for you, unfortunately this is how every visit starts with my MIL. I work and juggle so when kids visit without me, it's 'would you have come round if wife wasn't working?' And then SIL rings hub to bash us with more of the same. It's such a shame things aren't easier and I take my hat off to those good MILs on here. You can make such a difference."

TryDrawing has said:

"I quite like my MIL in general but she feels the need to regularly attempt weird power plays, which are extremely annoying. She obviously thinks she is being so ingeniously subtle that none of us will notice what she is trying to manoeuvre us into until it is "too late" to say no. Of course we do notice, dh or I will say no, and then she will sulk for a few weeks.

It always ends with a conversation along the lines of "But MIL, why didn't you speak to us before booking the holiday, to check we could get the time off work?"
"I was just trying to arrange a nice surprise, but you never appreciate it"
sulk sulk sulk

"But MIL, why didn't you mention that you were planning to bring enough food for the entire weekend with you to our house? We've done a big shop, too, and the fridge is already full."
"You never appreciate us trying to help"
sulk sulk sulk

It grates because occasionally they will do something the normal way, and tell us in advance and we all have a lovely time, and we are very appreciative, so the "you never appreciate" thing is just a defensive reaction to being caught out.

I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't all done with an agenda, such as wanting to bring her dog on holiday with us, when dh can't bear their dog and neither of us think it safe to be around our child. Or wanting to play the matriarch and cook for everyone, even at my house. I have no problem with this but I object to wasting our time and money on fresh food for the same weekend!

If she could just control the urge, we'd get on much better and she'd see more of her only grandchild. As it is, spending time with her is tiring because there's this feeling that she's going to spring the next surprise at any moment. I find myself making less and less effort to see her, which is a shame because apart from the bonkers control issues, she's actually pretty good company."

MiniTheMinx has said:

"My MIL is a witch. When my mother died she said "well we all have to just get on with it" this was just a few weeks after and in response to the fact that I had forgotten a birthday. When I apologised she then said "oh well, so you don't want me to see the children" she put the phone down twice and when I rang back the second time to make amends, she said "And what has mu son ever done for me" Horrid little gnome of a woman who is eaten up with bitterness."

Justpickagoddamnname has said:

"I don't have any advice but during my pregnancy and when ds was born my MIL took the place of my mother ( who has dementia and can't remember she has a Grandson) by being excited and supportive and interested and enthusiastic. Sadly she died not long after ds was born. I really miss her."

VelvetEmbers has said:

"The trouble with the MIL/DIL relationship is the baggage you both bring. In my case, we did everything with my mum's DP who lived a long way away. We went to them for Xmas, went on holidays with them, they came for birthdays and Easter. Dad's DP who were local, did nothing with us at all, but were able to visit my cousin regularly once she came along (DD'd DD).

I grew up with the unspoken but demonstrated idea that your mum's parents are the real GPs. I was very young, very naive and honestly thought that it didn't matter that I didn't like MIL because I wouldn't have to have anything to do with her. I wish somebody had made the effort to talk to me about it beforehand.

MIL, OTOH, didn't have a MIL herself, as FIL's mum died young. MIL lived near her DP and saw them all the time. She had 3 DSs and no DD.

DH is the youngest of 3, and the other 2 were already married by the time he met me, so there was a pattern established in their family. But it was not the pattern I was used to. MIL interfered with the wedding arrangements so much I almost called it off. We ended up living near them and hours away from my parents. They would pop in unexpectedly and just sit there, and expect to be waited on. MIL has zero conversation, so it is all very embarrassing.

Then we had DC1 and it all just ratcheted up and up. It wasn't my/our baby but her GDD. DH has no spine and would agree with anything she wanted to keep the peace. We had years of hell. All the time we had a baby (we had 4 in quick succession) they would be on the doorstep, but once the DC were older and could answer back they just didn't bother.

We moved away 5 years ago and the relief that they could no longer just pop in was incredible. We should have done it years ago ."

TheSkiingGardener has said:

"I have a lovely, kind, generous, caring MIL, but boy have we had our moments!

She and I are totally different. Her family live in each others pockets, mine talk to each other every few weeks. She likes to put everyone in a box and tell them what they are like. I don't like to be boxed. She doesn't like making decisions, I don't like sheep type people.

But over the last 23 years we've learnt to rub along together pretty well. Mostly by accepting that we come from completely different ways of looking at life and just getting around it as best we can. At times it has been hard though, and holidays together work well for a week, but no more.

I think the problem is you come from different families and the difference between what is normal can be huge. Negotiating that depends on you both being willing to do some compromising on each other."

Genesgirl has said:

"Having been very naughty (LOL) and been married twice I have a different perspective perhaps. As I am, I believe the same person, mostly a laid back person who believes in 'live and let live' and mostly just want to get on with living my life and being happy. I also believe that when you marry your family extends to take on your DH's family as much as you can, even more so if you have children. Cue my first marriage, my DMIL was IMO very controlling, very jealous of my relationship with DH. I also felt like my new family where the only one that mattered and I should somehow 'cut off' from my existing family. In essence, I guess it would be like marrying royalty! A good example of this which sticks in my mind about how controlling she was is on a meal out in a restaurant SHE would tell everyone where to sit. I was in the middle, not quite number one and two like her to DSs but not as bad as my DSIS. Ha ha! So I won't bore you with the divorce (his choice not mine) fast forward a couple of years and I met my now DH. Is it a coincidence that he is lovely, accepts me and my family 100%, and I have never been happier. And so is my DMIL. I met my her 12 years ago now. She is the opposite of my first one. Lovely, kind, supportive, if I am honest more of a friend than a MIL. I love spending time with her and probably see more of her as I work part time to my DH full time and also as my DM lives overseas I guess that might have an influence. If she wasn't my DMIL she would be a good friend. I think the essence of my post is it depends on personality, she is like me I think, I hope. I also think that as we love deeply the same three people, DH, DSs we have a lot in common x"

PepperPotts has said:

"My MIL relationship is okayish.

She clearly puts BIL and his family first and will drop us like a brick to spend time with them. So I have stopped bothering with her and don't invite her round or to childrens plays etc (of course I'll tell her if she asks but I used to always tell her once I knew) I just got bored of the letting us down.

DH is very easy going and is used to being put 2nd, BIL has a pretty "glam" career. Thing is now though, his career is starting to fade (tis a youthful one) and DH has flown at work these last few years, so it'll be interesting to see how things pan out.

She has hurt me a lot with her thoughtless way with us, she will admit to DH that she doesn't bother with us with things like "it's ok, you have peppers mum and dad and they are great" (my parents are fantastic and always there but not interfering, but it's not the point)

The DCs are getting older and they won't be bothered with grandparents soon, she will regret this, I keep telling myself!!!"

Last consecutive post from the Mumsnet thread!

AdoraBell has said:

"Unfortunately my MIL puts great store in the saying - a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life.

Hence I am just another woman who as taken one of her sons away from her and who knows nothing about raising children. I am civil, but our relationship would be so much better if I would just be a good little girl and do as I'm told.

In the decade that we have lived overseas she has phoned twice. DH calls her weekly."

Ledkr has said:

"I am in a fairly unusual position of having a grand child younger than my child so I can see both sides of the mil dil relationship when children come along.
My mil made the huge mistake of forgetting that I'd had a horrible c section and thus was recovering from major surgery.
We asked that we have a few quiet days after we came home but she engineered staying too long after a hospital visit so that they ended up leaving hospital with us and coming home and sitting in my house asking about dinner when we really just wanted it to be me dh the new baby and my dd who was 9.
It marked the beginning of a fairly difficult relationship which has taken 3 years to re build. We get on well now but it's a shame she ruined a happy time for us as well as them.

When my dgs was born I was very careful to do as my dil and ds wanted and respect that this was predominantly their special time and not mine.
I was careful to offer help but not expect them to take it and only give advice if asked.
I adore my dil, she is like a good friend and we do lots together with our 3 and 4 year olds and share childcare too."

Ledkr again:

"Sorry I meant to say my dgs is actually older than my child."

ILoveCoreyHaim has said:

"Ex Mils

Try to remember at the end of the day the ex is her child no matter how much you hate him. There's no point in continuously going over his faults, truth be know she probably knows anyway but feels a duty to defend him.

Don't use the kids to spite her if ex is being a dick.

Lay down some ground rules and stick to them. Don't discuss parents relationship with the kids etc

I get on fine with my ex mil. She will help me if i need help, takes my dc on holiday and watches them overnight so i can work."

settingsitting has said:

"I have just become a mil to a sil.
Seriously, any tips?
Everything is fine so far.
But I do feel that I dont want to become that sort of mil.

I do have the added complication that my dd and sil live quite a way away, so visits will involve staying over for a couple of days.
Which I am thinking is a different prospect to just visiting for an evening or just popping in during the daytime when he may be at work.

My relationship with my own mil is fab. So long as I dont tread on her toes over a couple of things, we get on great."