Will I ever change

(*kittylester*, that's actually very funny )

Dwelling on conversations and turning them over and over in your head again and again is 'ruminating' and it's def. not a good thing to do.

With self-awareness goes self-acceptance, but in a good way. The 'bad' sort of self-awareness is when someone is constantly self-critical, and that can lead to wondering if you are worthy of other people's attention, even love. Being scared to voice an opinion can be an aspect of this.

On the other hand, knowing when silence is golden, and to keep opinions to oneself, is a different thing!

Hello twin, kittylester! I knew I had a twin somewhere! I suspect that confrontational people must be unhappy somehow, and yes, it must be exhausting. Let's stay nice, it's easier...
Good wishes.
Hen.

Group hug then. Lovely.

Whoops! Was I being confrontational there?

Perhaps a bit patronising...?

Saccharine perhaps

There is a balance between being nice and allowing people to be nasty. Sometimes keeping quiet is a good thing, sometimes speaking up is better. The difficult part is recognising which is which.

Kiora - we all have aspects of our personality that we are sometimes unhappy about, so take heart: you are not alone!

It is possible to change, I did. I used to be very aggressive as a youngster (and until mid-20s) but I made myself calm down. I learned that there is a right way and a wrong way of saying pretty much everything and saying it the right way is always better (those that revel in nastiness are best left well alone).

From your post, you seem to be able to stand up for yourself when needed - does anything else really matter?

hi have just joined gransnet and this is my first post. I agree absolutely with everything that's been said so far. SOunds like me. One of the many reasons I joined gransnet is because my son and partner have just had my first grandchild, and I am so worried I will do/say something that my DIL will take offence to. Pathetic isn't it? I just so want to be a perfect grandma.
However, feel a bit fuming tonight because everyone else is getting pats on back from them for being so helpful,yet I and my husband are being (in my opinion) taken for granted. Is this jealousy normal? Am I a freak?I just wantto be liked !!

There seems to be an obsession with changing oneself in the media especially TV and of course magazines. Do you remember 10 Years Younger, What Not to Wear, Look Good Naked etc and all those personal and home/garden makeover programmes. They do not bring happiness!
I think Helena has got it when she says you can't change who you are but you can change your behaviour.
I find that both inspirational and reassuring.

This thread reminds of the prayer which I cannot remember accurately along the lines of Grant me the courage to change the things I can, accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference. A very rough idea of the correct version.

It is called the Serenity Prayer annsixty, used a lot in addiction recovery programmes

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Non believers miss out the first word.

Sorry elena for the superfluous "h" in your name.

No probs, Soutra

I think along with changing our behaviour, it's god to remember we can change our reactions (which is part of behaviour, I suppose).

So for langfordlady, it sounds like you're a perfectionist - you are so scared of being less than wonderful, of people criticising you, you end up feeling 'pathetic' in case you do the wrong thing and put your foot in it...and that's so limiting and awkward in relationships.

You're also looking for affirmation from others that you are doing well, and when you don't get it, you are resentful and feel as if others are getting the praise you want for yourself. It sounds exhausting But it's prob not because you are big-headed or a jealous person - but because you are low in confidence yourself, and need others to boost you.

Changing your reaction would mean re-framing your thoughts, to forget about the praise you see others appear to be getting, and to stop comparing. Are you really not being thanked or appreciated in any way at all? If that's the case, then perhaps you can ask directly the best way to offer help, and say with a laugh you are worried about getting things wrong. You'll need not to sound miffed or jealous, just genuinely willing!

Hope this comes across ok - I have a background in counselling and these are the sort of 'tactics' that can help in behaviour (rather than character!) change.

langfordlady - No you are not a freak. Many of us feel as you do. I have had my fair share of these feelings.

Langfordlady I've had these feelings too but try not show them. A first grandchild is a completely new experience for everyone and I think most DiL will turn to their own mothers first. As the mothers of sons we have to accept that. I try and live my own life and try not to get too wrapped up in the detail of theirs. They do call on me in emergencies! Good luck; this is just another of life's phases and will undoubtedly change.

Many thanks for the positive comments. I definitely feel better tonight. There are other issues behind my feelings …...because my husband is not my son's Dad….. and I had a very childish reaction to praise given to my ex who is suddenly an "amazing" grandad. My husband, bless him,is excited, but not to the extent that I am, which is also understandable….but rankles! I was in tears about it yesterday, and that's what makes me pathetic.
Kiora, I hope you don't think I have hijacked your thread. I just needed to get it all off my chest, and stop bottling it all up. So thanks to you, I have managed to do that, and hope you feel slightly better knowing that there are folk out there who are just as bad, if not worse , than you! WHat are we like??!

langfordlady A similar thing has happened to me. From my experience, best to keep quiet and go with the flow (which I know is difficult).

Inability to change? Who was it who said that "'madness' is defined by repeating the same behaviour but expecting the outcome to be different". Mea culpa! I've chosen two similar husbands and had to divorce each one!

People pleasers are sometimes the prey of control freaks - in that respect it is good that you are aware of your inherent nature Kiora.

I don't believe we can change our fundamental character but we can change to some extent which is why personality tests are only ever accepted for 18 months - 2 years after they are taken. Beyond that they need to be redone as life changes us whether we notice it or not. Some change more some less but you can do it consciously if you really want to.

I have learnt only recently to say 'No' to people and have found it very rewarding. I have always been the sort of person whose attitude is 'the answer's yes now what is the question' but know a lot of people whose attitude is 'the answer's no, what is the question'. The sort of person who will look for any reason not to help. Now I wait, think and then decide whether I will do it or not. Maybe I will do it but when it suits me and not right now.

I think if we are honest we all know there are small things we could change to make us more like we would like to be. None of us is perfect.

Interesting posts thanks. langfordlady my first post were about almost the same thing. I'm prone to a bit of grandparent rivalry. I think I headed it 'the green monster' I just somtimes think I'm a jumble of emotions. When I was younger I used to think that by the time I'd got to the age I am now I'd have figured myself out. Some people just seem to amble along nicely.I'd like to amble nicely because your right it can be exhausting.