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Will I ever change

(46 Posts)
Kiora Mon 06-Oct-14 20:50:41

I love gransnet. I been able to air my problems, share my thoughts and worries.get advice and share some of my demons and show off about my grandchildren. Iv also learnt something about myself that's unsettled me a little. ( not enough to keep me awake!) I think I shy away from any type of conflict. I'm so sickly sweet I almost make my self vomit[finger down throat emotion] years ago my then boss sent me on an assertive course because I found it difficult to turn people away if they were late for their appointment. It drove her crazy. ( we still meet up a few times a year so it didn't put her off me completely) The conclusion was that I didn't do it for their sake. Apparently I did it because I wanted to be 'liked' we'll obviously knowing and accepting this about myself hasn't solved the problem. I am not a procrastinator and can hold my own in an argument. Forced into a corner I can hold my ground. I'm told I can be quite brave about putting my opnion forward at large meetings Especially if I'think either myself or others are not being treated fairly. I look at some of the posts on here and I do admire those that are not afraid to say it how it is. I'm steeling myself for some of your replies. ( perhaps I should practice on gransnetgrin but it's interesting what makes us tick. I can sort of trace it back to my childhood but I'm 61 so why can't I change ?

shysal Mon 06-Oct-14 20:56:48

Don't try to change Kiora, you are lovely as you are!

MomandGrandma Mon 06-Oct-14 21:04:11

No need to change, except to be aware of anyone trying to take advantage of your good nature! So long as can spot and avoid so-called Granny-scams, where people target nice, sypathetic helpful ladies to swindle them, you are fine and dandy.

Mishap Mon 06-Oct-14 22:05:52

Why would you want to change? Does anyone want you to? Are they people you respect?

I should just get on and love yourself as you are. You are not an axe-murderer, or unkind to old ladies, or drown kittens, or steal the crown jewels.

I have always found your posts sensible and kind - can't ask more than that.

Who or what has triggered these thoughts?

We are who we are. I often wish that I had other attributes - but I am me, for better or for worse - and I don't think I am too bad. Far from perfect, but I can get along with me.

No-one sane likes conflict - sounds as though you are sane to me!

NanKate Tue 07-Oct-14 07:35:30

The older I get Kiora the more I realise 'we are what we are' and unlikely to change.

I no longer hope that others will change in their attitudes because they won't.

It dawned on me a few years back that I wasn't as popular as I thought I was at school having had none of my school friends contact me through modern day websites like Friends reunited.

I concentrate on the positive friends and activities in my life now.

So carry on you being you Kiora you sound fine to me. flowers

PRINTMISS Tue 07-Oct-14 07:51:32

You sound a well adjusted person Kiora, so don't change! Thank goodness we are all different - I am like you a dip a toe in here occasionally and sometimes come to the personal conclusion that some folk are worrying about nothing, and others talking absolute rubbish, but I would never take them up on those things, because I do not know them, face to face would be a different matter. I think that you too feel sympathy with some folk who are obviously going through bad times, and this is the place for that. What a boring world of we all agreed with everyone on everything!

elena Tue 07-Oct-14 08:29:26

I think self-awareness is a useful thing to have, and you seem to have it smile

Insight into what we are and why we are like that helps us - not necessarily to change but to somehow moderate the worst of the effects.

Actual change of personality is going to be hard at any stage, but sometimes, we can change our behaviour.

We can rein ourselves in, or overcome some of the negative aspects and bravely do something challenging.

But we probably remain the same people, at heart.

Grannyknot Tue 07-Oct-14 08:31:47

hi kiora smile - why would you want to change? I sometimes have had people say to me "The trouble with you is hmm you're way too nice!" confused. I yam what I yam.

You sound like a perfectly well-adjusted human being to me - nice most of the time, assertive when necessary.

flowers for you.

Anya Tue 07-Oct-14 08:40:00

Kiora it's natural to want to be liked, don't let that worry you. I think GN is interesting inasmuch as I'm finding out who looks for the positive and who is always looking to see the negative in people and their posts.
You fall into the positive people group and I'm not 'afraid' of you smile

I also think that elena has made several very interesting points and especially the one about having insight into ourselves.

Ariadne Tue 07-Oct-14 09:24:28

I agree with Anya - you are you and are valued for your contributions - they are usually thoughtful and perceptive. You don't have to wade in with all guns blazing! Leave that to others.

Ariadne Tue 07-Oct-14 09:26:24

momandgrandma haven't "met" you before - are you new? If so, welcome! If not, apologies! smile

hildajenniJ Tue 07-Oct-14 09:32:08

Very wise words from my late mother, "people don't change". She married my father thinking that she would change him, but no. We just have to accept people for who they are. I was shy and retiring when I first started nursing, and thought I could never tell people what to do. I was made ward sister and had great difficulty with giving the other staff orders/duties. I am still the same now (at 62) but as it was part of the job I learned how to do it although I always felt uncomfortable. I think that, like you, it came from a desire to be liked. I still feel the same.
Don't try to change we like you as you are Kiora

annodomini Tue 07-Oct-14 09:34:36

I agree with everyone else, Kiora. You are likeable - so keep on liking yourself. sunshine

Scaredycat1 Tue 07-Oct-14 09:38:39

I'm currently reading "the Chimp Paradox" by Steve Peters. I've never read anything like it before but it's helping me to work out a bit more about why I think/behave in certain ways. I sometimes find close family conversations play around in my head for too long!

Nelliemoser Tue 07-Oct-14 09:42:24

Kiora I seem to remember you saying earlier on GN you had a very difficult childhood. (I hope I've got the right person.)

Given what difficulties you have been though you seem to be very well balanced indeed. You have talked about that without bitterness, which a lot of people would not have been able to do.

All things considered you seem to have become a very strong person to have weathered all that. Allow yourself a bit of lee way.

"Nobody's perfect" wink flowers

Jane10 Tue 07-Oct-14 09:44:59

Is it an essentially female thing do you think? This need/wish to be liked? I`ve had a bit of a sea change over the (many) years. I started as a "nice" girl but my independent streak asserted itself encouraged by my Dad. Really the process accelerated in my 40s and I became aware that it was quite possible to like someone despite their not liking me and that was really freeing. I could be truly independent and could say the things that others didn't want to be said. This was very productive for the causes I pushed for but did leave me feeling like a one person awkward squad at times. Worth it though!
Kiora you`re worth it! We need all sorts in this life.

KatyK Tue 07-Oct-14 10:23:55

Kiora - I think we were separated at birth! I am exactly as you describe yourself. I have always been a simpering mouse. I have put it down to extremely low self esteem due to my awful childhood. There have been many times in my life when I know I am right about something but I have not said anything. I have agreed with everyone all my life and hated myself for not putting my point across. I know I am a reasonably intelligent woman. I hope I am fair and thoughtful. I hate to see people (and myself) being treated unfairly but rarely speak up. The only problem with me is that I let things fester and simmer and then sometimes I explode and the person on the receiving end is quite shocked (people don't like worms that turn, or mice that roar). I don't think I have done myself any favours being like this. People see me as an 'in the background' sort of person and that's where they leave me. I rarely get invited to 'dos' or anything these days. However, I know I am nice (and so are you smile Not sure nice does it these days. It's not really that I want to be liked but that I think everyone else is better than me so therefore my opinions will not be taken notice of.

Galen Tue 07-Oct-14 10:54:59

I'm a simpering mouse (lovely description) on the inside but come over as brash and dominating in an attempt to camouflage/ hide it

sunseeker Tue 07-Oct-14 15:17:36

I have always been quite shy and a "people pleaser" putting others before myself but as I get older I find I am more likely to speak up about things that I feel strongly about. I was recently asked my opinion of a "wildlife park" and found myself saying in no uncertain terms that I wasn't impressed as I didn't like the sight of animals being made to perform tricks.

petra Tue 07-Oct-14 16:25:16

It's funny that this subject has come up because the situation I am in now would have worried me sick a few years ago. But now I just ignore it.
We moved into this property in April and have fallen out with the people next door. We were quiet happy to forget the situation that accured and carry on as before. But it soon became obvious that they were ignoring us.
I did feel better when my other neighbours found out and told me that they had always been odd and the last tenant had trouble with them.

henetha Tue 07-Oct-14 16:41:35

You sound like a lovely person, Kiora. Don't change! If everyone was like you the world would be a happier place. I can't stand aggressive people.
I often wonder, "why can't people just be nicer?".
Now I am old, I find I absolutely dread confrontation, it makes me feel quite ill. Having said that though, I can stand up for myself if I have to.
And I'm sure you can too. We all have an inner strength when we need it.

kittylester Tue 07-Oct-14 17:46:13

Henetha, you just be my long lost twin! Although, like katyk, I can explode when really pushed! I feel sorry for people who are confrontational by nature, life must be exhausting!

KatyK Tue 07-Oct-14 18:12:24

petra - what is it with people ignoring others who they obviously know? We have just had an incident like this. There's no need for it. Do they think they are better than other people? The person who did it to us recently obviously does.

kittylester Tue 07-Oct-14 18:44:26

I've posted before about the woman over the road who ignores us and then sends Christmas cards saying 'From across the great divide' confused

petra Tue 07-Oct-14 19:33:59

KatyK. As me and my DD say "it's peoples"