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New baby in family but not sure what to do...

(73 Posts)
RuugBeee Fri 24-Oct-14 09:11:48

I dont want to overreact but would appreciate other Gransnet thoughts.

My daughter's new baby is 2 weeks old today and we have hardly seen her or him since he was born. She is keeping us [me, her brother and her Dad] at a distance, although we live fairly close to each other.
I am not trying to intrude but as yet I haven't seen the baby awake! I saw him for 30 mins in hospital, and a brief visit once they were home with her brother for another 30 mins after 3 days, but nothing since and no contact from her. This is feeling very strange and hard to deal with.

I know she has been lucky in that her husband has had 3 weeks of paternity leave and when this is up things maybe different, but he is close to his mother and I don't like to have to keep calling her to find out if everything is ok with Mum and baby! I don't turn up at the house, I have texted to ask if its alright to call, but these and her brother's txts are not answered. This feels very strange - what should I do? confused

glassortwo Fri 24-Oct-14 09:20:38

I would give them a little space a new addition to the family always takes some adjusting to and if your SIL has been off for 3 weeks your DD will have had him on hand to help, but be ready for the call when his paternity ends. Congratulations on becoming a Grandma again flowers

Purpledaffodil Fri 24-Oct-14 09:30:46

flowers to you Rugabeee. It must feel awful, but I think you may have put your finger on the reason when you say her husband is on paternity leave. There is a feeling with the first baby that you will get motherhood sorted any moment now. I suspect they are trying to get it all perfect before they let others see them. Hope it sorts out soon for you all.

posie Fri 24-Oct-14 09:48:17

Congratulations RuugBee!
I'm close to my DD & was asked to be there at the birth of DGS but then didn't see them again for the 2wks her DH was on paternity leave. They wanted to bond & just enjoy being a little family.

I've had lots of phonecalls asking for advice & lots of involvement since then though.

So my advice would be wait until paternity leave ends & I'm sure you'll be welcomed. Maybe just drop off some flowers/present to show you're thinking of them in the meantime?

Gagagran Fri 24-Oct-14 10:19:15

Could you text and ask if they need any shopping or laundry doing or anything else? They may be struggling and not want to admit it.

Don't, whatever you do make out you are feeling badly done to. Just be the kind and helpful pair of hands they can turn to if needed. That way they will not feel pressured and more inclined to involve you. Hope it works out! smile

Galen Fri 24-Oct-14 10:26:06

Didn't see either of my two until one month because of "bonding" apparently very important these days!

Galen Fri 24-Oct-14 10:27:01

Like posie its of calls for advice since then.

Galen Fri 24-Oct-14 10:27:31

Lots of hmm

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 24-Oct-14 10:29:28

I would be so cross if this was my daughter. She is being very selfish and unfeeling. Shame them into thinking about the rest of her family. Have some groceries, with a few treats included, delivered to them. Text her with the delivery time and, at the same time, tell her you are longing to see your grandchild.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 24-Oct-14 10:33:09

My daughter was only too happy to bond with hers, with the rest of the family in the house. Seem to remember a lot of the 'bonding' consisted of sleeping, while we "looked after" the baby. grin

Paternity leave has got a lot to answer for.

Lona Fri 24-Oct-14 10:48:07

Congratulations Ruugbee flowers
Two weeks isn't a long time, and you have to remember this is not your baby, he is theirs, and if they want to spend a couple of weeks getting used to being parents, then they should be able to.
I'm sure that you'll be asked to help out soon enough smile

bluebellgray Fri 24-Oct-14 11:10:07

It is very difficult to know exactly what to do, but all the thoughts above will have been very helpful.
Reading through them
'feeling like they will get it sorted out soon'
'bonding is very important these days'
struggling and not wanting to admit it'
'don't make out your are feeling badly done to'
'she is being very selfish and unfeeling'

can see there is a bit of everything there, but maybe DD was always a bit distant and controlling. Your first baby means you want to get it right, but the unfeeling bit sounds a little familiar maybe

grannyactivist Fri 24-Oct-14 11:47:27

RuugBeee congratulations on becoming a grandmother. smile
You say that you and your son have sent texts to your daughter, but she hasn't responded or contacted you and I was just wondering what contact is usually like. Who usually initiates contact? Do you normally phone or text? I am quite certain that in your situation I would have been making a brief phone call most days towards the end of the pregnancy and just checking that all was well and asking if any help was needed, so to continue to do that after the birth would have been perfectly normal. Has the level of contact changed or is it pretty much the same as before the baby was born?

Mishap Fri 24-Oct-14 12:35:09

Congratulations! Panic not! Time will tell - wait till Dad is back at work. There is lots of fun to come - just let them do this bit their way. Frustrating though! - I feel for you.

thatbags Fri 24-Oct-14 12:59:29

It's not your baby. That aside, tiny babies are not awake very much so not seeing your grandchild awake is not in the least bit surprising.

I wouldn't want my mother to "keep calling" me when I had a new baby to look after. I would regard that as rather intrusive behaviour.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to respect and accept what your daughter wants and wait for her to contact you. I know that may be hard to deal with, as you put it, but you just must. Two weeks is no time at all.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 24-Oct-14 13:50:18

"It's not your baby. "

Oh yes it is! We share the kids in this family. grin

RuugBeee Fri 24-Oct-14 14:01:23

Thank you so much for all your thoughts! As a first timer gran they have all been very helpful… from the start I always said that this their baby not mine, but it would be nice to have a little contact sometimes!!

Its been quite difficult to deal with questions from friends and overseas family members asking me - how is the new baby - you must have loads of photos of her - how are Mum and Dad doing, when I actually don't know the answers!

As for the pattern of contact - well, I guess its much the same as before, we phone or text - and then wait for a response, whenever it comes!

but I liked Posie's idea of sending flowers as a surprise, and so some are on their way to DD and SIL to arrive tomorrow! I just sent a 'love and thinking of you msg'

TG for Gransnet!!

absentgrandma Fri 24-Oct-14 14:23:54

Congratulations Ruugbee. Sorry*JBF*, a daughter's baby(or a son's ) is not your baby.... it's the new parent's baby. I left my daughter well alone when she had our grandson. I wouldn't have dreamt of being there at the birth... hanging around a delivery room...whatshock?

We kept in touch via phone calls, email and skype for 6 weeks before I saw him in the flesh, so to speak. By then 'mum' was setteld into her own routine (quite different from mine when I had her, but I knew better than to say anything). His dad had been through it all before, so he was back to work and she was coping magnificently.

We spent a happy 2 weeks which coincided with Christmas so on Christmas Day I was actually some use! I cooked the lunch while the new mum and dad took new GS 'down the pub' for a meet-up with their friends.... job done!

We left not a moment too soon, before I outstayed my welcome and now, six years later we are still 'friends' and going for Christmas once again. As she and her sister always say... 'You brought us up, now it's time for us to fly on our own'. It will be a lovely to have 3 weeks in the Uk but I have my life and my children and GC have their's .

My DDs know where I am if they need advice, but I'm in the back seat now... it's their journey, not mine.

Tegan Fri 24-Oct-14 14:26:00

No, they're not 'ours'. However, someone I know who's having a baby said to me, when talking about after the baby is born 'I hope we don't get lots of people visiting', and I'm sure a lot of new mums feel the same. [I don't undertstand this 'bonding with grandchildren' thing either; they call the first three months of a babies life 'the fourth trimester' don't they and they spend 3 months just adjusting to life in the outside world. The only sights and sounds and smells they really want at that time are their mum and dad]. However, I do undertand how upsetting it is in situations where other people seem to be welcome all the time. As has been said before on here so many times the first rule of grandparenting is to know how to keep our thoughts to ourselves when it comes to our family [but have a jolly good moan on here wink].

J52 Fri 24-Oct-14 16:16:53

All this is fine, as long as you don't get blamed when the 5 month old cries when they see you, because you weren't around earlier! Basically you can't win! Welcome to the world of Grandparenting! x

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 24-Oct-14 16:26:58

Well, I'm sorry absentgrana, but we are obviously a very different family to yours. I find it hard to believe these daughters keeping their mum's at arms length. Very sad.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 24-Oct-14 16:30:28

I think some of the grans on this thread have missed out on an awful lot. I treasure the time I spent with my grandsons when they were brand new. I will never forget a single moment of it. And we did bond.

nightowl Fri 24-Oct-14 16:42:26

I think it's sad too jingl, although I had the same experience unfortunately. Present at the birth (by DD's request and very unexpected) then asked to stay away until invited. DD had wanted to see me every day towards the end of her pregnancy so this was definitely not consistent with our usual relationship. Completely the other way around when I had my own - I didn't want my mum anywhere near the birth but couldn't wait to see her afterwards, and welcomed lots of visitors in the day or two following (even though with DD I was recovering from a rather dramatic haemmorage). I was desperate to show off my beautiful babies.

It just seems to be the modern way, and we have to go with it I'm afraid. I agree with others that there's no point in showing your feelings as this will only breed resentment at what should be a happy time. You have years of grandparenting to look forward to, but it doesn't alter the fact that this can be a hurtful experience.

Starling Fri 24-Oct-14 16:44:54

Jingl, I don't know if your own mother was alive when you had your babies, but would you have been happy with her coming round a lot to see how you were getting on? It doesn't always feel helpful. It can feel intrusive.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 24-Oct-14 16:48:39

Do they get it all from that sodding Mumsnet? I think that website has a lot to answer for. Egging each other on. hmm