New baby in family but not sure what to do...

No such 'syndrome' exists.

Yep! Definitely rules round 'ere!

I didn't see much of GS1 after he was born and wasn't that interested to be honest. Six months later I was looking after him 8 hours a day 5 days a week and continued to do so till he went to school. Didn't see a lot of GS2 till he was a year old as his father took paternity leave. Now he's more like my own than my own were. Currently I've only seen GS3 a handful of times since he was born last year but no doubt that will all change in time.

No entitlement syndrome, just hurt that you can be picked up and put down as it suits. Of course new parents need time to adjust, and a new mother in particular needs time to get over the birth and to establish a routine of feeding etc. But why should an adult daughter (or son) not be expected to still care about their parents' feelings? Especially when that parent has supported them throughout their pregnancy? I'm only suggesting a visit, pre-planned, not an invitation to move in.

Entitlement syndrome - twaddle syndrome. what's entitled about wanting to see your dgc after you've been there throughout the pregnancy, loved and cared for your dd, worried about her....and a loving dd knows this and wants you to share in the joy of a healthy, loved and wanted dgc from day 1. The only thing that's entitled it seems to me is some dds who think their mothers are there to be turned on and off like a tap.

Well I'm with jings'on this one. In our family we all share the good and the bad. I'm probably very lucky in that my son and DiL allowed us to share our grandchildren from day one. I have never felt left out, or on the outside of anything. Infact all of my grandchildren have been with me and DH from being only weeks old as DS and DiL have never had the privilege of extended maternity/paternity leave.

It's natural to want to see the new baby and to feel disappointed if you have little opportunity to do so, but it's early days yet. As your son-in-law is still on paternity leave, they are probably getting to grips with being new parents. They may be tired and a bit disorganised and just want some time to adjust.

Everybody's different and every family is different, so what works for one, doesn't work for all. I think that's especially true where a new baby is concerned and emotions and stress levels can be quite high.

On the other hand, I feel that whilst parents should show sensitivity for their children's feelings, children should also be sensitive to their parents' feelings. Of course, it's true that "it is their lives", etc., etc., but if grandparents are expected to be on hand when it's needed but to make themselves scarce when they're not, I think that is a bit inconsiderate.

eloethan has expressed it very well in saying that every family is different and I think that grandparents have to remember that the family of parents and new baby is a separate, though connected, unit which may well have different ideas and different wishes from the previous generation without there being any unkindness meant towards either set of grandparents.

In addition I'd say that it's possible to never feel left out even if you live a long way away from your grandkids and even though you only see them infrequently. I know this because that's my situation. I guess I have been lucky in never expecting or wanting anything regarding my grandkids that my daughter didn't quite clearly want too. It is the bond between her and me that is important. I guess we understand and respect each other. This is quite hard to say without it sounding wrong. I scrubbed a few posts out already.

When a new baby is born [especially a first one] there are a lot of knock on effects. My daughter was the first of her peer group to have children. I can't really go into detail of some of the things that happened but, amongst friends and family some relationships were affected. I became very close [temporarily] again to my ex husband [her father]. It was like a ripple effect. It was as if a lot of emotions and hormones were floating around. I went very 'inward' when I had my first child and didn't really think of anyone except the baby and myself and I certainly didn't want lots of people visiting me all the time at first.

What is bonding?

I think you said it well thatbags. It all comes down to mutual respect in the end.

I think they might feel a little different with a second one if s/he is still small. More help is needed. I cannot remember if my hubby took time off from work.
I rather thinks that my Mum would not have been helpful. As I was breast feeding her remark,. "Are you sure your milk is good enough" was one of her "helpful" remarks. as DS had put on about 10ozs a week and DD 6ozs a week on breast milk and slept well I was not worried.

My friend was allowed to see her DGD for an hour in the hospital but then all family were asked to stay away for two weeks! His sister was very upset not to see her niece. Apparently it is a babymoon which is something like a honeymoon for parents and baby and nobody else. I suppose when we had our children visits were limited by hospital visiting times. Now mums are discharged after a few hours there may be no respite from visitors unless they make some rules. Grandparents should be a special case though!

Nelliemoser I remember my mum making similar remarks and telling me that I wasn't winding my baby the right way (then, after I'd been struggling for some time, mum held my baby on her shoulder, patted her back and up the wind came!). These interventions, though probably well meant, served only to dishearten me further.

seasider I have never heard of a baby moon, but it does seem to fit the OPs situation. I agree about the early discharges though. Recently I was paying for parking at our local hospital and admired a tiny baby whose parents were also queuing up to pay. When I asked how old the baby was they told me two hours! That said, I had DS 2 at home and had lots of visitors from the first few hours. At least I was lying down and not In a parking queue!

I'm with Jings as well. I would have loved to have had my Mother popping in [every day] when I had my first baby.It didn't happen because she was very ill and died shortly after.When my DD had a baby I was there a lot, and she was grateful.This may have been a problem if it was my DIL, I did excercise a bit of caution there,but even so, saw the babies regularly [though not as much as with DD.]

Maybe it just depends how well one gets on with one's mum at close quarters. I love my mum but I wouldn't have wanted her so "in my hair" when I had small children. I wouldn't have wanted my mother-in-law either, and she was an absolute saint. I'd hazard a guess that neither of them would have wanted to visit every day even if it had been possible, which it wasn't because of distances and other commitments.

Perhaps it's down to independence in the end—said in a neutral way, i.e. not assigning blame to anyone, just an acceptance (and on a personal level, a thankfulness that I was so independent) that some people prefer to get on with things on their own in their own way.

I was at the birth of my DGD and visited the next day, however I did not see her for a few days, she came home and did not tell me and I waited until she contacted me to ask if I would go shopping for her. I saw the baby when I took the shopping but I was not asked much the next two weeks, however when her partner got back to work I went almost every day and I still see DGD regularly now. I miss them if I don't see them.

DS1 and I bonded very well during a week in hospital. Perhaps there lies the difference. I got breast feeding well established and both of us had plenty of rest as babies were sent to nursery overnight. My then H arrived daily with goodies and flowers. A thoroughly satisfactory arrangement. My parents arrived when we got home and made themselves useful, enjoying a little holiday in Devon as well as meeting their first GC.

My adopted Mother had never even held a new baby when my DS1 was born, but boy did she interfere, would turn up at 8.00am, spend all day watching everything i did, thought breastfeeding was disgusting, and constantly asked when i was going to dust, hoover, etc, knew everything and everything I have ever done, 42 years on is wrong. I would never ever ask her to help or allow her to do anything, she would broadcast to the world that, 'I was not capable of dusting so SHE had to do it for me'. She just ignored the other 2. When DD had DGS I had just had a total knee replacement, it was winter and I didn't live nearby. I saw DGS in the hospital for 3 days after his birth, no visiting hours here, just what suits the Mum. Then stayed for a few days when he was 3 weeks old, then he came to stay with me for 3 days at 6 weeks. We coped.
He is now 2 1/2, I live in the granny flat and all is great. Most of DDs friends seem to like to feel their feet, so to speak, before they want Mums, Aunties around, a friend had a baby this morning and has asked her Mum not to visit from Germany for at least 3 weeks.

Also, young parents need to re establish themsleves as a family of three and fathers can feel very confused at this time.

Hi RuugBee, what happened and did anything you did get a response? Your story strikes a chord with me. My daughter had her first baby two weeks ago. We live three hours drive away and the day after she was born we visited them in hospital at the open 3pm visiting hour. Two hours later she was discharged and we drove the new family home (they don't drive). She went to bed with the baby and SIL cooked us a meal, we said we would be happy to help with any practical stuff or support at short notice at any time and we drove home arriving back at midnight. Since then she hasn't answered either of my two phone calls or responded to three texts asking after her and our granddaughter. SIL has sent two texts saying they are OK and that's it. MIL who hasn't seen the baby yet has told me she's going to catch a train and go up at the weekend. I'd be hesitant just to announce I was turning up but if I hadn't seen the baby at all by now I'd be frantic. My own Nana was involved with me from the start and when I had my first baby my Mum was a tower of strength and support, coming round to stay and help out; even though we hadn't the best of relationships I was so pleased to see her and really proud to show my daughter to her, family and friends. My friends include lots of grannies and they keep asking me how my daughter and granddaughter are, can they see photos, why aren't I up there visiting and why aren't I run off my feet - what can I say except I think they are OK. But I'm not so sure? I know she tore badly and she is breastfeeding so she must be exhausted, the same happened to me so I understand and a 'Hi Mum' text by mobile would be enough. Both us Grannies are feeling a bit hurt. My husband, her stepfather, who has supported the couple in so many practical ways at his own expense since their marriage and was so looking forward to the new arrival in our family is now feeling taken for granted and says that after paternity leave has faded into the distance they will ask for help. I know it's not our baby but even so - ouch!

Don't feel hurt - it is not personal to you. She is still surfacing from the trauma, and these days it is hubby/partner who does the initial supporting and we grans come into our own a bit later. Bide your time!