would a other grans be hurt by this

thatbags I agree. Being "lectured" or made to feel guilty about one's own habits and behaviour is, I think, counter-productive.

I just had a memory of being desolate because I was given a perfectly serviceable but ancient pushchair for DS, faded red corduroy which loked really odd in the summer, by a work colleague of DBH's. He was so pleased, and so were they, but I had set my heart on a lovely new one for my precious baby. Absolutely everything was second-hand and I just wanted something new. I scrimped and saved and took in sewing and did child-minding and bought him a new one when he was about six months old. I went to the shop where I had seen the lovely pushchair, (which was also a pram with a carrycot and eventually became a buggy) and it was in the sale at half price!

I am hugely into recycling. Even if I have the money I would rather recycle. So what suddenly occurred to me - has anyone mentioned hormones yet? Because mine were never back to normal for at least a year, and I freely admit to being very oversensitive during those times. Maybe the poor girl just thinks her baby deserves only the best, which to her, means new.

By now I know who does and who doesn't like unannounced visits, though I rarely arrive without checking first. I've perhaps arrived without notice at my DD's a few times, and she's quite happy with this. But I never stay long and there's usually a good reason for my visit. I'd always ring my DiL first to check.

I love people calling spontaneously and will down tools eagerly happily and enjoy their company.

Re second hand clothes and toys. It so depends on the quality of the items and the attitude of the person receiving them doesn't it? My next door neighbour is always bringing me tat things for the grandchildren. I thank her kindly and chuck most of it in the bin.

janerowena that was a very moving post

I worked so hard to try to make that pushchair look pretty! I made a broderie anglaise hood for it by recovering an old one, and also recovered a sunshade that fitted on with a clamp, and tried bleaching the corduroy even more which turned it a weird orange colour, but I really just wished the wretched thing would fall apart!

MiL used to turn up unannounced, my mother used to ring first. I started to guess when MiL would turn up and make sure I was out, just so that I could get her to ring first. Sometimes I just wanted a peaceful day, after a bad sleepless night. She was a lovely lady, but she talked too much. I had to be in the mood.

I would not have behaved so discourteously as to refuse as that daughter has, how appallingly snobbish.

If the stuff is usable and not horribly dated in Style use it or accept it gracefully and pass it on to a charity shop.

I and my DD have no issues with second hand clothing. I bought some fantastic kids stuff in jumble sales. (When we had such things.) Most baby stuff is barely worn anyway. It will usually wash. DD buys good stuff on Ebay, for herself and the Boy.

If the clothes are in a wearable condition no one could tell if they are from a jumble sale or hand me downs anyway.

One of my neighbours has that attitude to clothes for her young children.
She has had her second family late in life and says she was the same with her first - spent £200 on a cashmere coat for a 2yr old boy.
I told her I was utterly shocked, but that's what she wants. A friend has bought things for these children, and knitted things for them, and they are never worn.
Some mothers have this attitude - ok if you have the money.

When I had my first baby I bought a second hand pram a new Maclaren buggy, and when no 2 arrived a second hand double buggy. I later sold the pram and the double buggy for exactly what I paid for them, £20 each.

I do see the point *ThatBags *made though perhaps the mum is an unselective big time recycler collector of rubbish.

I wonder if perhaps the DD is feeling how I did when I had my first DC - I wanted everything to be absolutely just so - the house, her clothes, the laundry, meals; she had to be changed and put into an immaculate pram each afternoon to be taken for a walk - because that is what I thought you had to do! By the time DC3 arrived I was much more relaxed. However, I did insist that DC3 had to have a brand new Silver Cross pram (we had got rid of the previous lovely Silver Cross pram when we moved). I would not have liked to put a new baby in an old pram.

Looking back I think I was quite stressed and uptight with the first child although I did relax as time went on. I had no DM nearby and my MIL worked so neither mum was able to 'pop in', and I would have loved them to (with a little bit of notice of course).

I was grateful for second-hand clothes from my lovely neighbour and my SIL, but I knew that they were good quality and had been carefully washed and cared for. I'm not sure about accepting stuff that might have come out of a skip or from who knows where.

I would add that later we were quite hard up and I was glad to buy clothes from the playgroup or school 50/50 sales - but that is when the DC were older.
When they were babies they were dressed in the lovely handknits that my DM used to make.

rosequartz I can really identify with what you say about thinking everything had to be "just so" - lots of home made meals, washing and ironing, house immaculate (though I would have been OK with clean, good quality baby stuff but only had this given to me when my daughter was older). I too thought that was what being a mum was all about.

I was very stressed and, on reflection, quite miserable. I so regret that those first years were not very enjoyable for me - and probably not my daughter either. My mum used to pop in occasionally to tell me what I was doing wrong re baby care, but gave little practical assistance, which would have been much more welcome.

Eloethan - I was trying to live up to my DM's standards I think, although she would not have criticised and would have just got on with whatever needed doing if we had lived near each other! She had been a children's nanny for very rich, posh families and everything was always just so as far as the babies and children were concerned. However, life without a nanny is just not like that and I realised that and felt more relaxed by the time DC2 arrived!

I wish I had had my mum nearby- I really do. Going home on 3rd day after a Ceasarian, and with an DH working every hour there was, night and day and week-ends- I really could have done with support. My mil was in Surrey and made i plain she had other things to do (her new toy boy) and would be in Greece when the baby comes....we lived in Staffs.

Thank goodness I had brilliant neighbours- same again when I had number 2 weeks after our move to East Leics. My sil complained bitterly about mil's 'interference' and yet relied utterly on her with her 2 for many years before ours were born.

Forgot to say my parents lived in my native Switzerland- in the days when flights and travel was hugely expensive. They did come, a couple of weeks after each baby- but as they could not drive in the UK and were not used to ingredients, type of cooker, etc, etc- I ended up looking after them to a large extent (but it was lovely of them to come- so didn't mind).

A new baby is a precious thing and each mother should have the right to decide what they want for their child. Personally I bought second hand clothes for my children and was grateful for them but I can understand why others can't. I don't like people calling in unannounced. Anyone is welcome just as long as I have 10 or 15 minutes to get my face on and put away the ironing!

Don't know how I'd have managed without secondhand clothes from a neighbour. I was going to do without a pram and just carry the baby (DD1) on my back until she could walk. My MiL bought me a secondhand but good pram for £30. Her daughter, my sister-in-law, who had a baby a couple fo years before me sourced it from one of her friends.

In fact I still carried all my DDs in slings and framed baby-carriers well into toddlerhood quite a bit, especially when they didn,t want to be put down but I wanted to get on with something or to keep them out of the way while I cleaned the floor after their latest meal.

Interestingly, DD1 has been a velcro mum. She still carries GS2—hardly ever uses a buggy—even though he's a strapping twenty month old. Modern baby "wraps" as they are called, are very ingenious, as well as being completely washable and easy to stuff into your bag when not in use. DD has developed strength and the way she swings GS2 up over her head and commands "arms in" is an impressive sight to behold.

Until I read Anya's post ,I was beginning to feel I lived in a different world to everyone else. I love my family and friends to just pop in and my neighbour who is a young Mum with 2 children often knocks on my door and I happily invite her in. My children seem pleased when I look in on them unexpectedly .I certainly don't need time to put on a face as I only have one anyway ,and I positively love it if they catch me doing domestic chores.

ethelbags Is your story genuine ? It seems very far-fetched to me. I can't believe anyone would be so incredibly rude.

DDiL has been very grateful to other mums and other grandparents for their ridiculous waste of money on expensive baby/children's clothes because when they are outgrown by their originally wearers, she gets them passed on to her.

I hardly bought any clothes for DD when she was under five because I had friends with slightly older daughters who passed their children's clothes to me. I can also remember my mother, and army officer's wife buying - and selling clothes at the Thrift Shop at several army bases we lived on. One girl we knew, a bit older than me, had grandparents in the clothing trade and most of her clothes came to the Thrift Shop hardly worn. In my early teen age years, most of my clothes came from her and I loved them.

Never having had parents, either mine or DH's, living close I have no experience of grandparents 'just dropping in', but none of my friends or other relatives would just drop in without checking that it was convenient first and I do not see why that expectation should not apply to Grandparents as well, especially when both parents work. DS & DDiL have her mother living nearby. She has been almost like a third parent for DGC as both DDiL and children have had health problems at various times, but close as she is to the family she would never drop in without warning.

If I particularly want to catch DD in i will ring first, otherwise i just stick my head in and see what's happening.

I was jolly grateful for all the second hand stuff I got for my two. DD bought most of her maternity clothes and a lot of baby clothes and toys on ebay. She's developed quite a chain now, she had second hand clothes passed down from her friend's baby, they were then passed from GS1 to GS2 and are now being passed over to GS3. It's quite an event if she buys something new.

if I am passing through the town where my daughter lives for work, I give her a ring to see if I can pop round, but would never just drop in unannounced- she could be enjoying a snooze, having a friend round or anything

Likewise, people all have different views on secondhand, and you should abide by their choice !

Ah - a kindred spirit Greenfinch

The daughter is being rather rude on the face of it, but if she has spent her life surrounded by recycled tat dug out of skips and worn second hand clothes she may be heartily sick of it. I used to help at NCT nearly new sales and got lots of lovely clothes for my daughter then sold them again at the same sale a year later, wonderful recycling, but we did have to go through the clothes as some people's idea of acceptability was dubious, surely nobody wants dirty faded stained babygros? If Ethel's friend is turning up unannounced with bags of tat then maybe her daughter is getting heartily sick of it.

I agree about phoning or texting before visiting our children - DD lives very near to me but always, always texts first, and I do the same with her. I think it is quite rude to expect just to be able to drop in.

I buy a lot of clothes from charity shops [and books and furniture etc] mainly because they are often quite unusual. But my daughter said that she could never wear a woollen garment bought from a charity shop. Her children have worn lots of clothes passed on from a friend and she and her brother did the same, but they were clothes from people we knew. I don't think I'd buy anything for a baby to wear from a charity shop, although equipment that could be sterilised in some way would be ok. I would never visit anyone with a young baby without contacting them first. In fact I have a friend who looks after her grandson each day and I haven't phoned her for ages because I'm scared that the phone ringing will wake baby [she doesn't have a mobile]. My ex, who lives just up the road from them is always knocking on their door just at the time when she's putting the children to bed; he just never takes the hint .

I don't think I am rude Ariadne.It is just the way we have always done things in our family and I like it.