Hi please help

Absolutely Elegran

CAB have legal advisers so try them first.

Hi tonia54 and welcome to gransnet.

Ask your son to make an urgent appointment with a housing officer and go with him to the meeting. Tell the housing officer everything and turn on the waterworks if you can (it will probably come naturally if things are as bad as you say) tell them that your health is suffering and you can't go on like this much longer. You love your family but it was never meant to be a long term agreement. Tell them you are having them temporarily over Christmas (for the sake of the little one) but you have given them a date to leave. Mind you, you will have to be strong and they will have to declare themselves homeless on the date you agree on (early January). I do hope something turns up soon. Good luck and stay strong.

Ps it's easy to say these things I know but very hard to do them.

Yes I agree - crying and saying you all feel desperate really helps. I've had to do this more than once in different situations. If they think you can cope they will let you cope.

But proceed with caution tonia54. I was in a very stressful situation with my son and it ended up with him disowning me for over a year, with no contact at all. I was heart broken.

He's back in touch now but he is harbouring a grudge and I've only seen his little girl twice since she was born.

All good wishes for a good result from this stressful situation.

tonia I'm sorry that you are experiencing such difficulties.

I think that situations like this take years to develop, and therefore they can't be solved quickly either.

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you excepting to try and find the inner strength and quiet authority that will gain you the respect that you should have in your own home.

Isn't it sad to be advised that you have to manipulate the system ... as much as I realise people will say the end justifies the means.

Your son and his wife should be sorting themselves, they're a family in their own right, with the added responsibility of being parents.

I hope you find some resolution.

snap phoenix

I know its awful advising someone to "play the system" Grannyknot I couldn't do it myself but there again I have never been put in that awful situaltion.

Having said that I have just read back through the thread and I am now confused as to who is living where?? Are the son and DiL living apart? If so then that will surely push them higher up on the local authority housing list?

It's not playing the system - it's just letting the powers that be know exactly how you feel.

If you put a brave face on things, as we all do from time to time, they think you are more or less OK when you aren't - you're just trying not to cause a fuss.

Exactly Falconbird . I am the sort of person who hates asking for practical help (although I do often ask for advice from the wise gransnetters) therefore I very rarely get any. I tend to put a brave face on things and just get on with it.

Am I the only one on here who feels sorry for the son? How humiliating to have to return to the family home with your own wife and child, unable to support them. Then to be told that you are not particularly welcome. Be careful what you wish for tonia54 they may well find their own home and get out from under your feet, but will remember the hassle and arguments with you and as we know from many sad postings on here, grandchildren access can be withdrawn. Cant you just take a deep breath, make them welcome and enjoy your unexpected family Xmas? As to your DiL, maybe she isnt lazy, maybe she feels unable to offer help with cleaning or housework, expecially as you are making it obvious that you think she is a dirty clart responsible for bringing vermin in?

I will now stand aside and await a barrage........but there are always two sides....

Good point GillT57, and we can only go on what we read...... Don't doubt for one moment that tonia is having an awful time at the moment and luckily lots of wisdom from everyone here.

Tonia - there really is no simple solution to your problem. Presumably your home is jointly owned or rented with your OH, and unless he agrees to take some sort of action to move your son out there is very little you can do individually; except to go and explain your dilemma to somewhere like Shelter or CAB as others have advised.

Or you could yourself look around for suitable rented accommodation for your son and his family and go back to them with a solution.

I cannot imagine that anyone (you, your OH, your son and his family) are happy with this situation and it is impossible to imagine why your son is refusing to get himself out of a place where he is locked in disagreements which must be making him miserable too.

I take the point that if they think you are coping, then they will let you cope. But I don't then see why you can't just go to wherever it is and say that you are not coping, stress it even; I don't see the need to turn on the tears. Unless of course they come at that point!

What I was trying to say was that I feel very sorry for all concerned but it won't be sorted any time soon, because these situations don't arise overnight. Not saying that they can't be resolved or that there is no point in trying to help, but somewhere there is a root cause or family dynamic that needs addressing...

tonia54, I really, really feel for you. When my oldest daughter left university, she and her lesbian partner moved into our tiny house. My husband is like yours, head down, won't get involved. I was happy to help while they found their feet but the situation deteriorated quite fast and it ended in a humdinger of a family row that still reverberates. My daughter and lover left after the row but didn't talk to us for a year. So you are not alone.

I wish I had set boundaries earlier and that seems to be the situation you are in. Like others, I'd say go to CAB. I also just googled 'adult children living at home' and realised there are lots of links that look helpful.

In particular, I found this one www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/family-life/grown-up-and-living-at-home which has a helpline you can phone.

you can talk to one of our Family Support Workers through Live Chat, email us or call our confidential helpline on 0808 800 2222. You can also share experiences and advice with other parents on our Forums. Family Lives is here for you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can contact us about any family issue, big or small.

You must get the legal situation sorted out, I agree with the suggestion someone made of talking to the police. The presence of the grandchild is something that will complicate the situation but you sound so desperate, do what will make you feel better.

To have a successful relationship with your family you have to have clear boundaries. Who does what and how the bills are to be divided and if there is use of the family car then it may not be used to the exclusion of others. I believe that you reap what you sow, if you allow people to walk over you they will continue to do so.

Gil57 not seen "dirty clart" in print since I left Edinburgh 27yrs. ago. Funny.

Where has she gone? She was posting responses to almost every post on this thread, but now seems to have disappeared?

tonia54 what you are describing is abuse and elders abuse is a growing problem. There is an organisation which can help. You can find their details here www.elderabuse.org.uk/contactus.html
Please give them a ring I am sure they will help you sort things out.

Phoenix you're right, I noticed that, too.

In fact don't think she's posted all day...[tchpuzzled]?

Perhaps tonia hasn't found the help and sympathy she hoped for. It can be hard if you don't get exactly the response you want to hear but we are not here merely to rubber stamp members' opinions. If we ask for opinions we need to be prepared to hear what others actually think. Perhaps she has gone elsewhere. If you are still around tonia do share your reactions and if we have misunderstood you perhaps you could clear up what you might see as misunderstandings.

I agree with the post advising that mother and son go together to housing to see what the options are.
That way it can be made 100% clear that living with mum s a short term arrangement that cannot go on for more than a few weeks. Presumably son is paying mum rent/housekeeping?

I wonder if this has just been the spin off from a bit of a bust up and tonia has calmed down. She says she told her son they could stay a couple of months but in her post admits they only moved in a couple of weeks ago. If DIL and the baby have just gone to * her* parents we are really not talking about a long term problem are we? Hope this particular spat has blown over now but perhaps it is a cautionary tale.

As Elegran rather astutely noticed her story wasn't consistent, at which point she left the thread