Hi please help

no ground rules no one speaking to eachother, my husband and I have had a terrible row, I was trying to talk to him about the situation and he did not want to speak about it, I became quite frustarted and he told me to shut up and give people a break, so now I am rowing with him too!! feel quite awful and alone

To be really honest jinglebellfrocks, I dont feel much love for him right now, I have tried talking to him but it always ends up with him saying I am staying and not moving out so do not see the point in speaking to hime anymore

To be really honest Jingle I don't feel much love for him right now-I have tried to speak to him Jingle but it always ends the same with him saying he is not going to move out

Hi, just read your last post. Is there some way you can protect yourself from this awful situation? Can you have a couple of days break with a friend or relative? So you can think calmly away from the house?
Why does your husband not see the problem?

Ask yourself these questions, honestly:-

Is he working? If so he does not need money from his father. Tell his father so. If not, is he getting benefits? Do they include something to support his wife and child? If not, why not?

Does he contribute to the household expenses? If not, why not? As a husband and father, he should be supporting his family, not expecting his parents to support them.

Does he do anything around the house - shopping, cooking, washing-up, cleaning, gardening? If not, why not? If he thinks it is his house too, then he has reponsibilities in that house. equality works both ways, if he is not equal when it comes to the work, he is not equal in it being his house.

Does your daughter-in-law contribute to the running of the house, financially or with the housework and cooking?

Do they appear to be grateful that you have taken them in and that they are getting £50 a week for doing damn-all, like overgrown schoolchildren ?

When you have answered the questions, and discussed the result with your husband, think hard about what YOU want to happen here, ignoring the fact that it is your son. Do you want to share your house with another family and partly (or completely) support them? Be honest.

If you decide you do not, go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and tell them your story. Ask what their chances are of a local authority house. Ask what your position is in law. Ask how you should go about getting them to leave.

Send you son to the citizens Advice Bureau too, separately. He should ask their advice on what would happen to him and his wife and child should they be homeless, and how long it would take to be rehoused.

If he gives you verbal or physical abuse, do not hesitate to call the police.

my husband is so laid back!! he just burries his head and hopes its all going to go away I have no support from him, its awful, I am alone completly, If I go away I still ahve to come back to it wont I, and in the time I am away goodness knows what he will do, move his wife back in!!

Elegran daughter in law is very lazy and un tidy, we have been mouse free for a year, since they have moved in we have seen a mouse, my absolute nightmare, he does not contribute to bills house cleaning or anything at all, so frustrating, I am seriosly considering the CAB it sounds like a bot of a life line for me

Having read your answers to other people's questions and suggestions I can only say - give him written notice of a week to find other accommodation and get out. Keep a copy of the letter. If he won't leave, call the police.

If he could pay rent for his previous place, he can pay rent somewhere else, like everyone else in the world. You do not need a scrounging bully. If your husband is happy to live with him and to give him £50 a week, then he can go and live with them in their new home.

he is in between jobs and no one is allowed to speak to him about it, he just says I will do things in my own time!!

do you think if I give him a time scale to move out that would work??

Move his wife back in? I thought she was there, encouraging mice?

Not sure your story quite holds water, tonia54 Are you sure you are not exaggerating?

they all moved in together then she moved out with baby to her mothers due to the arguing, I did say that right at the beginning WHY would I exaggerate?

Elegran I so agree with your post about my husband moving in with them!! what do you think would happen if I did call the police, would they evict him?

I don't know, but then no-one on here can really advise you on the details of how to cope with this. Several people have advised you to go the the CAB. They are trained to find the right information and to give you contacts who can take it further. They are the ones to ask.

thank you

thank you J52 your kind supportive words are very appreciated

Are you a new member tonia54 ?

I would have to harden my heart if the situation was this bad. I'd give him X amount of weeks notice........

and change the damn locks !!

Hi Phoenix, yes a new member today

Really good advice Nina (that was my mum's name, its as if she is trying to help me-she has passed) thank you, you are right of course If I do this at least I will gain control. I don't know how it will go down and what will happen if I give him a time scale and it doesn't help that my Husband is not behind me

No, Tonia you didn't mention that his wife had taken the baby to her mother's. You said that they were all in your house, that she was lazy and messy and you had a mouse problem since they were there. In answer to a comment that she would not want to share a house with another woman, you said that she was glad to be there, it was all Scot-free.

Two versions - she is there getting your house into a slum, or she has left and is not there. You can't be surprised that I am confused.

I would have thought some of the others who are concerned about your situation would have wondered if you are getting your story rather mixed up.

Tomorrow, put all the advice into action. I am sure you will sort it out soon if you set your mind to it.

tonia First of all take a deep breath. You cannot afford to get yourself in such a state, think of yourself first and foremost in all this.

Now, how did you get on with your son before he moved out in the first place? How was he as a teen? How old is he now?

It sounds like, if his wife and baby have gone to live with her mother, that he is kicking back a bit, reverting back to his bachelor life or his life before he moved out and had a family. Especially as he is inbetween jobs right now. Does he not need some space to get his head together and figure out for himself what his next move is? Does he not need some help with doing that and some support.

I know that when my teen kicks off and gets angry it is usually because he is feeling scared, unloved, insecure and his default button is to shout and curse when all he really needs is a hug but because he has hormones raging then he wont ask for a hug, he'll yell and try to get attention that way. At that precise moment I feel like showing him the door too, which is the last thing that my son would want or need. It is hard being a mum to a son who has things going on in their head and won't let anyone in at times. But you just have to hang on in there and hope that they come round. At other times my son can be loving and caring. Is yours like this at any time? Take whatever little bit they give out, making you a cup of tea, anything, it is a good sign.

If this is not the case and your son is just plain awful, then I would seek to having a word with the police because if he is not on the tenancy or deeds then he is trespassing if you have asked him to leave. If you are determined for him to go and know that you cannot live with him for a moment longer, then you have to deal with it now. If you can live with it for the time being, then I would leave him to his own devices in the house. I would sit down and do some ground rules and give him a copy and keep one yourself. Do this when he is calmer and get him to sign both copies and you do the same, both agreeing to what you say. You could add that you will stay off his case for so many weeks to let him get his head together but then he has to commit to finding a place and a job. You could say that he has the use of this or that, whatever but make it attractive to him too so that his temper is calmed down. Think of a child and a temper tantrum. It's the same really. Give him something to be thankful for in return for him keeping the peace more.

With regard to his dad, leave him to it. Think for yourself, do some nice things for yourself. Leave them to it for a bit. It's like a pack thing and the males have just got their alpha back albeit that his dad should be the alpha and he should be towing the line with what he says. But it's not like that, and for some peace just now, lay off both of them, leave them to each other and go and find some space somewhere away from the pair of them and relax a bit. You cannot go on getting so worked up, it is not good for you. It will all blow over in time. Take care of yourself, and stay on here for a vent.

Good post Elegran!!

What a nightmare and just before Christmas as well. I guess your son is desperate and that's why he's acting the way he is but he should be grateful and not having rows with you.

Try to talk to him and your DIL and try to set down some ground rules. My husband was always passive in situations like this and it puts pressure on the mum/nan.

Try to take of yourself if possible. I agree that the family could be rehoused as a priority case because of the baby. It depends on where you live.

It is a terrible situation for you. If one of my grown up children came to live with me and told me the house is half theirs I really don't think they would be given money but I would expect half the expenses. He needs to grow up a lot. Please don't let yourself be used even if it means you may not see him again if he leaves. Why should you be controlled by him.

Good luck, I hope you get some help soon.