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It's not my fault my sons misbehaved.

(38 Posts)
Kiora Fri 13-Feb-15 23:13:20

My son has done something really stupid. He's been talking on line to a women he met while abroad. His wife has found out by hacking into his e-mail. There's been no physical relationship between them. My son is abroad and unable to return until later this year. She's furious. I don't blame her. But he is my son. I've just received an e-mail from her along the lines of
"your sons a shit, and much worse He's destroyed everything I'm going to tell the children (7&13) then they'll hate him too. Her and the G.C were due to visit me this half term. I haven't responded to the email. I'm obviously worried about the G.C , her and of course my son whom I'm unable to contact. I'm upset too, having to read these horrible things about my son. What am I suppose to do? sad

Tegan Fri 13-Feb-15 23:21:59

I don't know what to advise. However, when I found out that my husband was actually having an affair I did everything in my power to stop my children [then in their late teens] from finding out, so I find you DIL's need to inflict her pain onto the children worrying. You say he's working abroad; if he's doing so for financial reasons they must have realised that, by doing so it could put a great strain on their marriage? She needs to calm down and talk things through without telling the children.

Tegan Fri 13-Feb-15 23:28:44

Could you email her, beg her not to say anything to the children and visit you as planned so you can comfort, advise and support her and make it clear you're not taking sides but want to mediate?

FarNorth Fri 13-Feb-15 23:38:06

If you feel that you don't blame her for being furious, it could help to say so. It might help her to feel less alone with this huge problem that's hit her, and less likely to hit out by telling the children.

Of course you won't want to 'gang up' with your DiL against your son but there's no harm in saying you think he has behaved wrongly, if you do think that.

Kiora Fri 13-Feb-15 23:42:01

They were coming here. I'm frightened of begging her I don't want her using my upset to hurt my son. If that makes sense. Along the lines of
"I'm telling your mother she'll hate you for doing this" or " your mother said this" I don't want her to tell the children. I don't want them hurt or worried. The adults can sort themselves out. Families hey (big huff emotion)

Kiora Fri 13-Feb-15 23:49:13

I've talked to her and told her that. farnorth I've listened and been as supportive as I can. But there really isn't a lot I can do. She has a large family and friends who will support her emotionally. I'm also aware that I'm on shaky ground here and worry that I could make matters worse

Nelliemoser Sat 14-Feb-15 00:07:19

I would not beg her not to tell, it gives her a lot of power in the situation then.
I think you should sound sympathetic to DIL and say you are sorry she feels hurt but suggest that she really needs to talk to hubby about this, as it is really between the pair of them and not you.
I would also suggest that although you know she is hurt and angry involving the children at this stage will not help them and if she tells the children she will be the one to upset them when it might not be necessary.

Good luck! I am sure some others will be able to add something it's a bit late now.

rubylady Sat 14-Feb-15 03:40:53

Can you suggest that the children come to you for half term while she tries to sort out her feelings at home with her own family and friends? That way it will at least get the children away from a very volatile situation currently and give her some head space to think what to do next. Plus, they shouldn't be in the middle of all this when it is so raw.

I would just try to get in touch with your son. He is where your loyalty should lie, even if you are mad at him at the moment. Just say to her that you understand her hurt and you will have a private conversation about it with your son when you are able to reach him but the children are welcome to come anytime she feels the need for some time on her own. And then sit back and leave it to them. If you meddle too much it may come back onto you if they should break up or even if they stay together. It is their decision, let them sort it out.

How bad are the e mails to this other woman? Do they incriminate him to the point of him wanting something to happen with her? How far away is he working and could he get some time off to come home to sort it all out? It really is his problem, he needs to face up to it all now and do the right thing.

Keep strong, for the grandchildren, as I am sure you will, look after yourself and try not to take too much of this on board. flowers

loopylou Sat 14-Feb-15 08:00:01

It's an awful situation for you all.
Have you spoken to your son? I'm wondering why she read his emails. rubylady's advice is very sound, is that a possible route to take?
Whilst not condoning his conduct, a year away from his family must be very hard and lonely.
Thinking of you Kiora x

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 14-Feb-15 11:06:32

I would simply agree with her. You must feel the same. Let her rage. I would definitely join in. You need to take sides and there is only one right side. I hope she still comes to visit. flowers

If she does tell the children you will have to tell them in private that daddy has been very silly but he stills loves them all. And tell them daddy is sorry now.

petallus Sat 14-Feb-15 11:16:35

Kiora I think you have to be very careful here. If you son's marriage breaks up because of his other relationship and you have been seen to take his side, even try to protect him from being hurt by his wife, then your relationship with your grandchildren could be in jeopardy.

Difficult situation. Of course, we usually stick by our children no matter what. However, I can't help wondering what this thread would be like if it was the DIL who had formed another relationship due to being without her husband for a year!

Basically, I agree with jinglbellsfrocks.

kittylester Sat 14-Feb-15 11:26:47

Good points from petallus and jings.

What an awful situation for you to be in Kiora. I bet you are livid with him really but want to protect him too!

janerowena Sat 14-Feb-15 12:00:05

When still with Ex, my MiL was firmly on my side, which kept our relationship strong and made Ex aware that his behaviour was not condoned. It didn't affect their relationship though.

harrigran Sat 14-Feb-15 12:27:28

Alarm bells rang for me when you said "his wife hacked into his e-mail account". DIL clearly was suspicious otherwise she would not feel the need to invade his privacy.

glammanana Sat 14-Feb-15 17:24:48

Kiora I really feel for you flowers don't you just want to shake our off springs into reality sometime's a bit of female attention and they go all daft if the children come to you at half-term is there anyway your DIL can visit your son for a few days or is that out of the question ? I know he must be away to earn a living but sometimes things are far more important aren't they.He will no doubt be hung drawn and quartered by her friends and family so as little input from you would be the best I think then at least you can be truely impartial.

Tegan Sat 14-Feb-15 17:28:42

Not wishing to make excuses but men find it very hard to be alone and it's very lonely working away from home. And you do tend to bare your soul in emails [at least,I know I tend to].

Mishap Sat 14-Feb-15 17:44:26

It is indeed strange that she should have been hacking into his emails, so it may be that there were some cracks in the relationship anyway - sustaining a relationship across the miles can be extremely difficult.

I can understand her feeling hurt and angry - do you know what the content of these emails was? I am assuming that it was in some was compromising and inappropriate. Are you completely sure that there has been no physical relationship? The degree of her anger would imply that she thinks there has been.

Since you will be walking a bit of a tightrope and not wishing to alienate anyone, especially at this stage when the facts are not fully clear, it may be best to reply that you can understand her feeling upset and angry and that it would be best to try and get a conversation with her OH to sort out what is really going on before talking to the children. It would be worth saying that you would be concerned that the children might be upset at this stage when no-one quite knows how things might be worked out between them; and that it might be better to talk to the children later when the situation is clearer.

How hard it is when we feel our children have not behaved as we might wish and we feel disappointed in them. But I do feel that the facts need to be fully established before anyone jumps to conclusions, for everyone's sake, and for the children first and foremost.

I am so sorry that you are having to face all this.

Mishap Sat 14-Feb-15 17:45:45

I see from your profile that you describe yourself as a wife - is your OH around and what are his thoughts on it all?

Kiora Sat 14-Feb-15 21:44:17

No there's no chance of him coming home it's just not possible. He's the other side of the world so there's no chance of him meeting the other women or indeed any women. I think the emails are very affectionate but there is no accusations from anyone that there was a sexual relationship. It still a betrayal though. petallus we were in the position you describe about 10 years ago before they were married but they were a living together with their first child. I have asked if I should go and collect the children but she'd rather come here. So I'll be guided by her. My husband has his own take on things. I just hope he keeps his opnions to himself but he's told me that he will not sit in his own house and listen to his son being trashed without defending him. I think we will all just have to sit tight and let this play itself out and hope the flack doesn't hurt the children too much. In my husbands defence he can see I'm upset and is making allowances for my grouchiness.

GrannyTwice Sat 14-Feb-15 22:17:18

Actually I don't think the issue of a physical relationship is really relevant - affectionate emails to another woman are a betrayal are they not? Your dil is feeling very raw and your DH needs to be careful - as someone said ^^ if she ends up feeling that his behaviour is supported by your DH or by you, you both run the risk of losing the dgc. Perhaps your DH needs to understand the difference between 'trashing' your ds and trashing his behaviour.

Mishap Sat 14-Feb-15 23:08:53

This visit to you is badly timed. She is angry and will find it hard to control her comments. The only way you can handle it is in the moat impersonal way you can muster. Sympathise with her hurt, but don't say anything that implies that you are n her side against your son.

Has he spoken to you about it?

GrannyTwice Sat 14-Feb-15 23:14:11

I can't understand why it's impossible to communicate with your son in any way. I realise that you don't want to say what he does for a living but it seems odd that he is so incommunicado - surely your dil and dgc have some sort of contact with him ( or did before this blew up).

GrannyTwice Sat 14-Feb-15 23:18:58

I can't help but wonder if he perhaps wanted the emails to be found?

Kiora Sun 15-Feb-15 00:06:29

Yes they do have contact mainly through letters and limited email but I acctually think this type of communication makes things worse not better because there's no way of airing feelings as you feel them. So they get bottled up and explode hence her email to me. I was probably the nearest person to strike out at. That was what my post was about really.

Faye Sun 15-Feb-15 01:48:45

I thought the same as Harrigran and agree with jingle.

I don't believe you should make excuses for you son, of course you love him but surely you have some feelings for you DIL and how she feels. If she wants to vent her anger, let her and tell her she has your sympathy. I hope she comes to visit too.

If you side with your son, your DIL will end up being angry with you and your OH, whether they separate or stay together.