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visits not allowed

(118 Posts)
lizzyr Tue 31-Mar-15 15:35:33

Last August I started a discussion about not being allowed to visit my grandson. Most rteplies thought is was PND and tiredness after birth. 6 months later and nothing is changed. My partner could see it was having an effect on me so emailed my Grandson asking what was going on. The answer came back was that we were imagining something that wasn't there.
Well we still can't visit. They came over for the day last Xmas Other than that we have seen him 4 times when we have met for a bite to eat. They live 45 mins away by car and we have offered to look after him whilst they work.
My son often has to take home on his deliveries. To think he would rather expose hime to danger on the roads, feed him in motorway services ( 5 miles from where I live) and change him in toilets rather than let me look after him.
I have resigned myself to not knowing this grandson. I will not be inviting them next Christmas or any other time. I will not offer to look after him again. I will not ask to visit. The next move is theirs. I no longer yearn to see my Grandson as I have never been able to build a relationship with him. You may think I am hard hearted but it is the only way I have been able to come to terms with the situation.

ninathenana Tue 31-Mar-15 16:13:25

Not hard hearted lizzyr you have found your coping mechanism. I'm glad you have, because I feel for you in this difficult situation. I don't understand their thinking.

tanith Tue 31-Mar-15 16:13:50

lizzyr it does sound as if something else is going on , can I ask why you can't visit? You do live rather far away to look after him while they work, it would be an hour and half round trip to either pick him up or drop him off not something I'd want to do on a regular basis. It doesn't sound ideal to be taking on work trips in the car either..
I'm just a bit puzzled why you can't visit on the odd occasion.. it does seem a shame that you have given up , is he even a year old yet?

Nonnie Tue 31-Mar-15 16:20:26

Don't close any doorslizzy you may regret it in the future.

Strange that so often it is the children of our sons we are not allowed to see but those with daughters seem to have less problems. I would have loved to have had grandparents for my boys.

NotTooOld Tue 31-Mar-15 16:26:32

I wouldn't take this too hard, lizzyr, although I am sure it is very hurtful to you. Young parents are amazingly busy these days with commitments all over the place and may not appreciate how you feel despite the well-meaning e-mail from your partner. It won't do your grandson any harm to travel around with your son, in fact your son sounds like a dutiful father doing his best for his child. Potential traffic accidents are always a worry but you would have the same concerns were he to bring the child to you. My advice would be to give them a bit of space and see how things work out. If they don't hear from you in a while they may well make the first move but don't precipitate a family bust up. It's not worth it. Keep smiling.

Mishap Tue 31-Mar-15 16:29:34

You say "Well, we still can't visit" - have you been banned in some way?

Four times in 6 months is not so bad - better than some grandparents get. Enjoy the good bits and whatever you do, do not close doors because you feel aggrieved. You would be the one to suffer in the long run.

Your son says that you are imagining something that is not there - could he be right? Is this simply uneven expectations? You expected to be closely involved and form some sort of close relationship, and they just expected that you would be an occasional loving visitor.

Don't take the hump because they do not want you to care for the baby when they work. Lots of parents choose other options. I am not always thrilled with some of the choices my children make but respect their right as adults and parents to do things their way.

If you dig your heels in and say the next move is theirs, you are setting them up to "fail" according to your rules, and that can only cause more trouble in the long run.

I would counsel that you should tread carefully and not burn any bridges. Ask yourself who would miss out.

harrigran Tue 31-Mar-15 16:42:09

45 minutes by car is not that far, DH and I do it to collect GC from school or when needed for babysitting. I do it once a week just to spend a couple of hours with them.
I wouldn't stress over them not wanting you to care for your GS, it is hard work on a daily basis.

loopylou Tue 31-Mar-15 16:42:29

I agree with Mishap, I probably only see DGS face-to-face about 4 or 5 times a year, although we do Facetime regularly, mainly because they live 100 miles away and we all work full time.
I certainly never built up any expectations about how often I'd see him, let alone care for him.

Does his MIL see the baby more frequently? I tend to think DILs turn naturally towards their mothers, so maybe the DS's mother feels a little left out?

Ana Tue 31-Mar-15 16:58:55

The baby was only two weeks old when you posted your first thread, lizzyr, and you were saying much the same sort of thing then, as in you're not being 'allowed' to have a relationship with him.

He's still only 8 months old and as well as a day at Christmas you've seen the family four times at meet-ups since - not bad going as they live 45 mins drive away and the parents must be pretty exhausted!

I'm sorry, but it does sound as though you're not being very grown-up about this.

thatbags Tue 31-Mar-15 17:00:59

I don't think you've anything to complain about. You have seen your grandson quite often since xmas and you have noticed that his own parents want to look after him themselves. Why does that seem strange to you? You are inventing a problem when there isn't one. Just be thankful for what you have and stop moaning.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 31-Mar-15 17:37:07

That is so sad! (OP) You've never seen him in his own home? And only once in yours?! flowers (lots of them) sad

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 31-Mar-15 17:38:10

Bags we know you are, for some reason, anti close families. I cannot understand why. hmm

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 31-Mar-15 17:40:01

She is being grown-up. The parents aren't. hmm

I think you need to be more assertive with them lizzyr. Sounds like you've got nothing to lose.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 31-Mar-15 17:40:53

45 minutes by car is nothing.

Elegran Tue 31-Mar-15 17:47:15

You have seen more of him than I did with any of my grandchildren, but I have built a good relationship with them all. You don't need to be in and out of each others pockets to relate to him.

If you make a big deal of wanting more and more, you will put their backs up and make it more difficult for everyone to be relaxed and natural when you do visit. Enjoy him when you see him and keep his photo in your purse to look at and show off.

I don't see why you can't visit, or why they can't visit you? It doesn't sound as though there has been a row.

Have you actually invited them for lunch one Sunday? Told them of an interesting event that they might like to go to with you as a family? Asked if you could pop in to see you when you are in the neighbourhood on a certain day?

Have you thought that perhaps your son likes to look after his child, and drive him around? Many fathers don't do as much hands on with their chilkdren, so he is being a good father. It is their child, not yours, to look after.

It is not necessary for you to be as bonded as his parents are. You are a special grandmother, of course, but it is inevitable that you are not dead centre of his family circle. Accept that you had your own children and brought them up to have their own family in their turn, and don't sulk because they have a new toy that you want to play with.

They won't be more inclined to share it with you if you stamp your feet and go into a huff. Well, would you?

Elegran Tue 31-Mar-15 17:56:26

jings I suspect that Bags is anti the same things that I am - people throwing their toys out of the pram because they want what someone else has.

lizzyr had them at Christmas - she could invite them for Easter if she wanted. She could keep in touch by phoning once a week (not every two minutes) to chat. She could be cheerful and welcoming, while giving them space and not smothering them.

If she has a fight about it and says she is not asking them next Christmas, they will assume (and it sounds as though they could be right) that she is too keen on getting her rights and restructuring their lives to suit her. That will not achieve the aim, it will make them resentful.

She would achieve more by being subtle, by being nice to them so that they want her input, than by being confrontational or plaintive about it.

rosequartz Tue 31-Mar-15 17:58:40

I only see DGS once a year (if that) because of distance, but I hope we have built up a good relationship. When I do see him it's as if there has been no gap in between visits (at least I hope it will be the same this year, which will have been 14 months since I saw him).

Mishap Tue 31-Mar-15 18:03:02

There are 3 of my GC whom I only see about 4 times a year - lots of hugs and kisses when we do meet. Neither party forgets who the other is or how much we love each other.

lizzyr - there seem to be two schools of thought on this thread - one that you have nothing to lose and the other that you have everything to lose if you dig your heels in.

Personally I would not be prepared to take the risk - why would you? You would cut off the exact outcome that you wish to achieve.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 31-Mar-15 18:11:53

Well, it's not much of an outcome at the moment!

And no-one is "throwing their toys out of the pram". Downright ridiculous, and nasty, expression.

Soutra Tue 31-Mar-15 18:14:33

Oh lizzyr do trawl through some of the sad threads on this site of grandparents who have been cut out of their children's and grandchildren's lives and learn from their sadness. How can you threaten not to have them round next Christmas? How can you add "or any other time"? You are sad because you say you have never been able to form a relationship with your 8 month old DGS but you have the rest of your life to do that. He is a baby, he wouldn't necessarily recognise you except as a friendly face and anyway you say you have visited/seen him 5 times. I feel very close to my 6 month old DGD But thinking of it I have only seen her a total of perhaps 6 times including her christening when she was surrounded by so many people, I don't think she had the faintest idea who was around her anyway! She smiles at everybody anyway and has no idea who "Granny" is.
You really would benefit by being less dogmatic and by not creating a potential problem. Read what smileless or celbgran and others have had to go through and think carefully if you want to create a situation like that.

Mishap Tue 31-Mar-15 18:15:05

Seeing the child 4 times is OK - I would call that a satisfactory outcome. If the parents get so fed up with being put under pressure and withdraw even that amount of contact then that would be a very unsatisfactory outcome indeed - just not worth the risk.

rosequartz Tue 31-Mar-15 18:15:16

If your DIL has gone back to work and your DS is taking the baby with him then her parents (if she has any?) are not looking after the baby either. They must be rushed off their feet, as so many young families are these days, and not that near for frequent visits.

I also wondered (and you may think this is daft) if you have very exacting standards of housework and are very houseproud? Perhaps their house (as many are when a young family is very busy) is a bit of a tip and your DIL is a bit embarrassed to have her MIL over?

soontobe Tue 31-Mar-15 18:16:01

Having now read a number of these sorts of threads, I have come to the conclusion that grandparents are quite divided on this issue.
In your case, probably half are going to say, it is fine. And half are not.

Personally, I think it is a little tough on you, but it could be a whole lot worse.

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 31-Mar-15 18:17:35

I think you give them a definite invitation to Sunday lunch. Tell them you have got Easter Eggs for them all. (not just the baby)

rosequartz Tue 31-Mar-15 18:18:16

That's about right I think, soon

Make the most of each time you have together even if it's not as often as you would like.