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visits not allowed

(119 Posts)
lizzyr Tue 31-Mar-15 15:35:33

Last August I started a discussion about not being allowed to visit my grandson. Most rteplies thought is was PND and tiredness after birth. 6 months later and nothing is changed. My partner could see it was having an effect on me so emailed my Grandson asking what was going on. The answer came back was that we were imagining something that wasn't there.
Well we still can't visit. They came over for the day last Xmas Other than that we have seen him 4 times when we have met for a bite to eat. They live 45 mins away by car and we have offered to look after him whilst they work.
My son often has to take home on his deliveries. To think he would rather expose hime to danger on the roads, feed him in motorway services ( 5 miles from where I live) and change him in toilets rather than let me look after him.
I have resigned myself to not knowing this grandson. I will not be inviting them next Christmas or any other time. I will not offer to look after him again. I will not ask to visit. The next move is theirs. I no longer yearn to see my Grandson as I have never been able to build a relationship with him. You may think I am hard hearted but it is the only way I have been able to come to terms with the situation.

Mishap Wed 01-Apr-15 15:37:54

jings has spoken - cease discussing this forthwith!

AshTree Wed 01-Apr-15 15:25:39

Oh I'm so glad someone said it (*jings*). This pudding has been well and truly egged to death...

amarmai Wed 01-Apr-15 15:17:16

How amazing that the daddy is able to have the baby with him while he works!

gillybob Wed 01-Apr-15 14:10:44

I agree jings getting bored now. [yawn emoticon]

Must get some work done. End of tax year and all that very boring stuff.

oh look its time for cupcake and brew

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Apr-15 13:15:08

See - I think we're overdoing it now. tbuhmm

But you carry on. lizzyr probably gave up reading long ago.

harrigran Wed 01-Apr-15 13:12:33

I agree with what bags says, you can be close without living in each others pockets. I see DS and GC at least once a week and DD about once every couple of months because of her living and working abroad, but when we do meet up it is as if it were yesterday.
When first GC was born I asked if we could visit on a Sunday every week and it was agreed subject to holidays and other things. It started off with us giving the new Mum a chance to get her head down for an hour and when baby was teething we would take over the walking the floor to give them a break. GPs are useful back-up but it is the parents who dictate what must be done and how it is done. I have never thought of myself as a second mummy and I am always happy to wave them off at the end of the day tbusmile

soontobe Wed 01-Apr-15 13:12:17

On the linked thread you were saying, when your gs was 2 weeks old, that you didnt want to see or visit your gs as you didnt feel that you had one. To me, that seems an overreaction on your part

On the other hand on there, you say that your dil has been posting pxxx off messages to people. From that thread as a whole, your dil sounds like she may be a bit difficult.

On there you said that you have been civil to each other up to that point.
I think that that is commendable.
I appreciate that being civil may be difficult.
But I think that that is the way to go.
To be fair to her, if she is difficult then the fact that you have seen your gs 4 times since christmas, may indicate that she has been putting in a lot of effort.

RedheadedMommy Wed 01-Apr-15 13:12:10

I didn't hunt anything.
I simply found the thread that a few people had mentioned and copied and pasted the link.
It gives more background to thend current thread.

It took seconds.

Ana Wed 01-Apr-15 13:11:44

Lizzyr herself volunteered the information that she'd posted last August on the same subject.

Hardly 'hunting out' an old thread - you only have to put the name in the search box...hmm

At least if you have more background information, some assumptions can be avoided.

gillybob Wed 01-Apr-15 13:05:51

I am always a little suspicious of those amongst us who seem to delight in hunting out old threads from way back just so they can nitpick over them in the faint hope that they can "trip someone up" on something they may or may not have said in the past. I couldn't be bothered.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Apr-15 13:01:07

Will you really bother soon?!

soontobe Wed 01-Apr-15 12:56:20

Thank you RedheadedMommy.
I can be a lazy/not have time occasionally/struggles with the search facility gransnetter sometimes.

The thread has more detail. Will read later.

Mishap Wed 01-Apr-15 12:51:20

The desired outcome here is that lizzy and her young family should find some way of getting along that suits both - all families have different levels of closeness and it is very hard when these do not coincide and one side is feeling under pressure and the other is feeling aggrieved.

There are lots of years ahead to enjoy your GC and trying to get it right at this stage is critical to that future happiness. Tread with care and be aware that they ARE good parents, even if they do things differently from how you might wish.

soontobe Wed 01-Apr-15 12:51:16

I think that if family live nearer, it is reasonable to in the first instance at least, to expect to see a bit more of them?

Or does it make no difference to some whether they say live 45 minutes away or 4 hours away?

RedheadedMommy Wed 01-Apr-15 12:49:43

No need, was my pleasure. smile

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 01-Apr-15 12:45:19

Yes. We know. Thank you, however, for your excellent searching expertise.


RedheadedMommy Wed 01-Apr-15 12:43:42

This is the other thread if anyone is interested.

thatbags Wed 01-Apr-15 12:04:26

gillybob, you are very lucky to have a naturally close family, both in the emotional and the physical sense, and it seems to suit you fine. That's good. But not all families are the same and there is nothing wrong with the differences if people get along in a civilised way.

I am emotionally close to my daughter but not physically close. That limits things but it does not damage our relationship or the relationship I have with my grandsons and my son in law.

Ana Wed 01-Apr-15 11:30:03

Sorry, gillybob, as you'll see from the OP this is the second thread Lizzyr's started. I looked up her first, in which she says her GC was born in August - I think he was a fortnight old and she'd seen him twice then!

We all have different family set-ups and relationships with in-laws vary wildly so we can't really compare what we do with what is doable in Lizzyr's particular set-up.

Meercat Wed 01-Apr-15 11:29:10

Lizzy what pattern of contact did you have in mind before you GS arrived? Reading your posts it is clear that you are disappointed that it hasn't turned out how you expected but do you think it could be that if you have let your disappointment and expectations show very clearly that your DS and DiL could be reacting a bit defensively. Almost certainly they are also coping with busy lives and new responsibilities in the ways that seem best to them.

I have three GC, my DD has one DS and my DS has a DS and a DD. I love them all but the pattern of involvement and contact has been very different. My DD has involved us much more than I would have expected, (we had a difficult relationship before GS arrived) and we have been delighted to be that involved. My DS said to us quite early on not to expect quite the same involvement with his DC as DiL would be likely to turn first to her parents and sisters but that we should never worry that we wouldn't have an important role in the lives of his children, just not the same as with DDs boy.

That's how it has worked out. We have a great relationship with them all despite the fact that we had had much more contact and involvement with one than with the others.

My best advice to you would be to go with the flow for now, enjoy the time you do spend with your GS and, to an extent, take what is on offer and hope that as he grows and they settle into parenthood, it will get easier.

I hope they are able to come at Easter and that you have a lovely time.

gillybob Wed 01-Apr-15 11:19:58

OP says she saw him for the day last christmas and other than that she has seen him 4 times Ana. Unless I am missing something, this adds up to 5. confused

...........and I cannot find anything in the OP that suggests lizzyr would expect to look after him "every" working day.

My son and DiL both work shifts. I do two nights/three days one week and one night, two days the next, plus odd weekends. For us it is a win, win situation. On one of the days I have my 3 DGC I take them to see my parents (their GGP's) and my grandma (their GG GM). We are a naturally close family.

Ana Wed 01-Apr-15 10:56:07

Lizzy didn't say she'd only seen her GC 5 times 'in his life'. He was born last August and we don't know how often she's seen him between then and Christmas.

The point is that Lizzy seems to feel a sense of entitlement over and above what the parents are prepared to accommodate - they obviously don't need or want her to look after their son while they work and have made their own arrangements. I'm wondering who would have been expected to do the drop-offs and pick-ups if that had gone ahead. People keep saying 45 mins drive isn't that far - but it would be at the beginning and end of every working day!

gillybob Wed 01-Apr-15 10:46:17

I fail to see how wanting to see her grandson makes her "want to be a matriarch" Elegran confused

In the OP lizzyr says that she has seen her baby grandson 5 times in his life. He is 8 months old and they live less than an hour away. Perhaps her family are worried that as she gets older she might just need a little bit of their (obviously vey valuable) bonding time attention and think that it will be better keeping her at arms length. Just another way of looking at it.

Katek Wed 01-Apr-15 10:32:06

Lizzy-I hope things work out for you over Easter but please don't feel rejected if they don't-as someone has already said it is very short notice. I too wanted to be a very hands on granny, involved in my DGC's daily care - prob triggered by my own peripatetic childhood and missing my own grandmother - but it hasn't altogether worked out that way. And do you know what? I'm quite glad it hasn't in many ways, as I know I could no longer cope with the physical demands of small people for long periods of time. I have my 8 year old DGD 7 miles away and see her at least twice a week and babysit quite often. My 8 year old DGS is 70 miles away and we stay for a couple of nights every 5/6 weeks as they have a big old manse so no problem with space. It's also on the way to widowed FIL so we can tie two visits together. DGS often stays for couple of nights in school holidays or Saturdays if his parents are out and we FaceTime on iPad. My two very small DGS are 100 miles away and we manage to see them around 5/6 weeks as well. We stay overnight in a hotel and sometimes babysit on the Saturday so DS/DIL can have a meal out in a local restaurant. We also sometimes avail ourselves of cheap rail tickets and go up for the afternoon. It all works out very well although I sometimes wish we were geographically a little closer as DH and I charge around the countryside!! We're having a big family Easter weekend when we will all be at Dd's. I wouid, however, be run ragged if they were all living locally. It's not necessarily the way I wouid have chosen, but it's what we have and we make it work for us. Technology is also wonderful - we FaceTime the 2 year old who brandishes his apple and shouts 'eating apple Nannie!'

rosequartz Wed 01-Apr-15 10:02:34

RedheadedMommy I think I remember you asked for advice on here once