tricky discussion with son

Video him.

A lot of people are surprised how they come across when they can see it.

soontobe - I think that's a brilliant idea.

Do you know how she deals with this once they are alone?

A dear friend of mine was married to a man who was the same as your DS appears to be. Always had to have the last word and arguing aggressively. I asked her once why she put up with it and she said that she preferred not to make a fuss in public but ALWAYS pulled him up about it once they got home, when he would apologise. Not the way I would want to live but it seemed to work for them.

Yankeegran you said in your OP that he and his wife were arguing to such an extent someone asked if she was OK.
I don't know what the argument was about but if it was something unimportant it was a waste of time and energy arguing with him - it does take two. If it was important she could have just said 'let's discuss this later'.
I remember hearing about someone who stood silently whilst his new wife raged at him, then when she had finished he just quietly said 'I think you've just had our first argument'.

However, he does sound as if he needs pulling up because he has gone past what is acceptable and perhaps soon's suggestion is a good idea.

Yankeegran- I truly admire you for admitting YOUR son is at fault. Too often, mums will protect their own sibbling and make excuses for them- even if their behaviour is totally unacceptable. I also agree that his dad should have a strong word with him.

I take it that there are no dgc? How old is your son?

You're right, granjura, some mothers would be saying 'she drives him to it' and defending their darlings.

Well done, Yankeegran

Sorry to have been "absent" today, but I do thank you all for your input and recognition that the situation is difficult. I love the idea of videoing him, but I don't have a smart phone (am I the only one who hates phones, let alone "smart" ones?), so while a great idea, not a practical one for me.

FlicketyB - I love your suggestions. This is the sort of thing I think would work and prove productive because he is a good son and a great father...so, yes, lots of things to praise. I have never seen him lose his temper with the children, so anger is not his default setting (though winning the argument is). Thinking about it - it seems to be his need to win the argument and BE RIGHT that fuels most of the verbal aggression I have witnessed.

Do any of you know Dr Phil? He used to be on Oprah but now has his own show (I only see it in the US). I always remember him asking someone "Do you want to be right or do you want to have good relationships?" THIS might be a way into a discussion!

Sorry - missed the bit about his being a father.

I remember Dr. Phil. His other question was "So when you (whatever the behaviour is, say, shout) how does that work for you?" (In other words, how is it affecting your relationships etc.)

You've reminded me about Motivational Interviewing - or how to have a conversation about change. There's a video about it on this link, but you could also just Google it for more info:

www.motivationalinterviewing.org/

Is it only his wife to whom he shows this verbal aggression? My ex was often like that with me and reacted badly if I shouted back. He didn't like assertive women and was actually reprimanded at work (FE College) for his rudeness to a librarian. Of course it was 'all her fault'. I put this attitude down to his mother having been a doormat to her domineering husband, though that may be an over-simplification. How does your DS react to you? Does he have issues with women other than his wife?

Grannyknot - I also remember Dr Phil saying that - along with other things, like "I don't care how flat the pancake, there's two sides to every story" - and "if you marry for money you earn every penny". I DO miss that man!
And thanks for the link to motivational interviewing. This is exactly the sort of practical help I'm looking for.

annodomini - I don't think he has issues with women; he just has a Big issue with his need to be right and win the argument. For most of us, these arguments aren't that important but they probably escalate with his wife because the arguments ARE important (guessing).

As an aside Oprah seems to fall out with her proteges on a regular basis - e.g. she fell out with Dr Phil and also with Iyanla van Zant. After the democratic elections in South Africa, you couldn't turn the TV on without Oprah being on there. She became very involved with SA, built a private school for girls there and all. She had a DNA test to trace her African heritage.

Apologies for digressing

I'm back with motivational interviewing now. I love the concept. Get this:

^Motivational interviewing gains little momentum or effectiveness if you only think about problems. By way of illustration, consider the difference between these two accounts of the same person:

"She’s 46, female, 2 children, second marriage; chest infection; obese for many years; leads an inactive life. She’s a moderate to heavy drinker, smokes, and has a diet that is high in fried food, with little fruit or vegetables."
or
"She’s 46, an account manager and mother of two; very determined person. Its her second marriage, and she keeps a keen eye on her children’s well-being. It’s a happy house. They work and play hard. She feels unwell with a chest infection. She has lots of friends, smokes and drinks in the pub, and gets little exercise. She likes to make sure everyone has a good filling meal, and this often means friied food.

Change won't get off the ground unless we allow the human spirit to shine through.^

This was just what I always had to remember when sent out as a SW to see a "problem family" - we needed to look for things that could be built on to help that person deal with life if they were finding it hard.