The Aftermath

Happy for you ��

I am new here and came looking for advice about how I was feeling about my son and dil. The main advice from everyone seemed to be "leave it alone" and I am so glad that I read all of this. I want to thank you, Parcs, for having the courage to write about your family and because this has helped me very much. I think I would have said something, even tho I know its a really bad idea. But I didn't---and now I am really glad about that.

So--thanks again. And I am very happy to have found this forum and have realised that I am not the only one dealing with what seems to be problems common to many grandparents.

Nice to see you here, ohdear!

I agree with the advice to keep quiet when angry, and i am happy that you and your daughter are making progress. Did your husband assist in this step forward?

No amamai if anyvthing he made it worse because he became in patient of our dis-agreement and got involved when we were trying to resolve things and took sides!!

But we ignored that and continued trying to resolve things, which we now have and I got to hold my grandchild today for the first time in three weeks and it was so lovely, I got a big smile and a cuddles.

ohdear It makes me happy to think that I have helped you.

What I have learnt is not to take things personally and just accept that there are things about my daughter that I don't like, but for the sake of my family I will ignore and accept them.

I just wish I could clear the air with mine, but she has always refused to talk about what ever has gone wrong.

Mine's the same Alie. If I try to broach the subject she says 'I don't want to go there'.

Things were getting better but I think I just blew it again. Daughter and son in law came over, son in law under protest, you could see it in his face, so that felt uncomfortable.

I asked about a purchase we were making together and it just blew it out of proportion and they both stormed out of the house without saying goodbye, how rude.

I do not know what the future holds, it seems we now can not be in the same room as each other without it all going wrong

I think I just need to be extremely conscious of EVERYHTING I say

So upset and do blame myself somehow. But also angry at SIL's bad attitude from the beginning

I have apologised and all is well again. My word, my life is becoming like a soap opera but wanted to update you

you are having to jump thru hoops ,Parcs and it doesn't seem like you have anyone covering your back. My daughter's marriage is a minefield for me too. I have withdrawn and say as little as possible. Not the only solution- but better than feeling i am in the wrong all the time. Perhaps your daughter and you can get together with the baby just the 3 of you?

amarmai I am used to having no one covering my back. My husband believes in staying out of everything and shows no interest in anything.

One day I am going to stop expecting him to step up and realise that I am alone.

I think that that will be a good day

Thank you for your comments

Oh Parcs - feel for you - am having similar problems with DS and Dil - won't be long before it's DD and Dsil though. They seem to take it in turns to be difficult - DH appears to sit on the fence the whole time but lets me know in no uncertain terms that he holds me entirely responsible for any misunderstanding in the family and if it wasn't for me then his life and all of theirs would be fine!!!! I think he has a plan!!!!!! Sorry, not meaning to be flippant - but have become so cynical in the last few years - as the song says "life made me that way"........

Parcs and Jomarie, i wonder if we thought back before our children married if we would see a similar pattern to the one we are upset about now. Families sometimes find it convenient to designate one member as a scapegoat. If that is happening ,we need to stop blaming ourselves.

Completely agree with you there Amarnie - it's a pattern that has been prevalent throughout the DCs lives - and a little brother just muddied the waters! He is not married yet though - probably won't ever dare to as his older brother and sister are so good at destruction! Anyway, he's OK - he left the county and lives 6 hours away and will quite happily move to another country if necessary - I'm happy with that so long as he takes me with him!!! Seriously though - you do have a point and I don't accept the blame 100 per cent (can't find it on the keyboard) as I had three sisters and a very manipulative mother - she had to be, I understand now!!!

It's hard to see a way out of this maze.I protect myself by withdrawing but i don't think that is a solution.

Yep - that's my tactic now. Not the ideal, I agree, but at least it's allowing them to "get on with it" as they say. I can't "bang their heads together" - there's four of them for a start - but I can say I don't want to be involved. I do feel that life is repeating itself - but then that's what it does - how else does one explain the slow progress of humanity?

Surely we deserve better.

Yes,Parcs, we do. I think we have to be good to ourselves and try to expect little.

Resentfulness' ang anger rearing its ugly head again with DD. The fact that she refuses to share the car with me is something that effects my daily life. Traipsing back from the supermarket with bags of shopping etc.

I would like to find a way to be at peace and accept this situation but am finding it terribly difficult.

This thread puts the other one in some sort of perspective.

Its quite weird to think that that little baby that you took good care of and always put before yourself and everything revolved around that little baby that one day they would grow up and make you ill with stress and argue with you so dis respectfully and not care about you

I wonder if this is part of the problem.

Is she now doing the same? Does she have the priority of
Her baby
Herself
Her husband
Your husband
Everyone else?

I sometimes think that families, ideally, should be a unit, a team. Rather than have definite priorities.

Is she now effetively shutting you out, as you are so far down her pecking order?
And your husband is not seeing any of this?

Oh Parks So sorry to hear things continue to be so difficult in your life. The common perception of life being so much easier when the kids leave home is, I think, a bit naive! They may be adults but somehow the mother/child relationship can remain so complex. You would be wise not to make any more purchases for your DD again after the car situation!

Maybe you need to start looking after yourself first for a change. Can DH not help you with bringing home the shopping? Or how about ordering your food shop online and have it delivered?

Being a mother isn't easy at any age or stage.....as your DD will find out in time! When your grandchild starts giving her trouble, you will be able to smile wryly. I do.

That all sounds about right things are gruesome for me right now but I now know that I have what it takes to make changes Thank you for your thoughts and support.

I am wondering whether it is better not to engage in joint financial ventures/purchases if the relationship is a bit shaky - the item then becomes a focus for any resentments. As you are walking back from the shops you are building up resentments against your DD; and this is repeated every time you go out. Can you just gift the car to her and draw a line under this, as it seems to be perpetuating the rift.

And don't enter into any more shared financial plans maybe!

Very good advice Mishap .

it is indeed very good advice from Mishap (as usual). Whenever I have posted about my problems with my DD, everyone on GN has given good advice to keep quiet, advice which I have taken. Sometimes though I have to admit I feel that I am stepping back and keeping quiet about everything when in reality I feel like screaming and saying 'how dare you treat us so badly you selfish girl'. I won't obviously.