daughter-in-law from hell

The OP said a kind of low-level bullying.
I'm not sure there is such a thing.
If it's not real bullying, it's not bullying.

Just gobby and argumentative
<pedant alert>

Soon do you follow your own advice and record conversations you have with people you don't like?
<idea>Do you save in a special folder all the threads on Gransnet where people have disagreed with you?

No to that paragraph janeainsworth.
But I used to record mine and the kids disagreements occasionally[they knew this was happening], to play them back and see what we said, and just as importantly how we said it. It taught us all a lot.

(Shakes head in disbelief........)

<also shaking head in disbelief>
As a stratagem for "happy families" this has to rank pretty close to bottom.
I do wonder what Mumsnet would make of it!

We all have an extremely good relationship.

It essentially taught us all to listen to how we come across.
When you listen to recordings of yourself and others, you can sometimes see yourself in a slightly different light. You hear yourself as others hear you.

One of my sons does a lot of presentations. The recordings helped.
I think it is standard media training to listen and watch yourself on screen.

I imagine rereading your posts is similar.

soon you mean as in 'this family conversation is being recorded for training purposes' ?

Well, I've recorded conversations/role plays for training purposes at work, but I can just imagine the reaction of my children should I set up a recorder to tape their behaviour - they'd fall about laughing! #takingthepissnow

. Another shaking head.

<wondering if I am living in a parallel universe!>

Yes ja.
The first couple of times they hated it. But they got used to it. It wasnt needed to be done a lot, because it caused them and me to listen to how we were coming across, and to stop us in our tracks.
It was the start of arguments that was recorded. It soon became a case of, well this is recorded, and I know that when I hear the playback, that it is going to sound worse than I mean, so I need to back off and stop and think. It was very effective.

When you have a family row, it's best to be spontaneous which it's unlikly to be if they know it's going to be recorded. OK to record dissention if it's role play for training purposes.

Depends how many spontaneous family rows you would like. Best to stop them after a while.

The words "control" and "freakishness" are spinning around in my head.

I suspect she comes from a family where rows and rumpus are the norm, and she doesn't know how else to present herself and her opinions.
Sometimes this means families see this as showing affection to each other and because this is how she behaves at home she automatically assumes that by behaving this way she'll get some attention.

I had a school friend whose parents incessantly rowed about everything and anything, in front of anyone who was there. I actually stopped going to her house because I couldn't cope with it, it was so uncomfortable and alien to me. She too was antagonistic when she didn't get things her own way.

Oh its definitely control thatbags. And being sensible. I stopped the arguments.
I wince on gransnet when I see some posters write about a "good argument" or a "nice argument" or "stirring" or whatever.

There are not good arguments or nice arguments.
Sorting things out nicely is the way to go.

Perhaps it's best not to start them in the first place, Soon, by discussing things amicably in a grown up way and listening to what other family members are saying so that you can understand them, rather than listening so you can frame your own reaction.

You sound as though you're saying that family rows are inevitable. They're not.
Differences of opinion will arise, but there is no need or justification for tempers to be lost.

X posts

It wasnt tempers lost. It was too many arguments for my liking.
I wasnt the one that started them ja! It was the normal kids squabbles that just carried on through their teenage years. So I found a way to put an end to them.
But I recorded myself as well. And noticed that I came across a bit shrill, plus I thought I was advising them, but it definitely came across as more shout at, than advise. So I changed too. Oh, and there wasnt enough praise from me.

ja. In my post of 17.02pm I meant I stopped the kids arguments. I can see where your confusion comes from.

Bit baffled here, can you explain at what point during an argument do you decide to record it? Do you suddenly say "hang on everyone while I switch the recorder on" flick the switch then say "ok, carry on" or do/did you have a recorder running at all times?

OK it's just me, but I keep thinking Soontobe is exclaiming in German ("ja!")

Me too, Soutra

Why shouldn't siblings have arguments? Within reason.