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Upset with granddaughter

(79 Posts)
Sadiesnan Fri 26-Jun-15 13:20:14

Since my first grandchild was born DIL's mother has been fully on the case in every way. Her entire life revolves around her daughters and her grandchildren. I help out quite a lot with babysitting and giving them money to make ends meet. I also go round most weeks to play with my granddaughter whilst DIL gets on with some jobs and looks after the baby. Yet, despite everything it's obvious that DIL's mum is considered as best granny. Yesterday my granddaughter, who is four, told me that she loves her other granny more than me. I'm very upset. How can I work through this?

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 26-Jun-15 13:27:42

Oh! sad I felt the same when mine were younger. I remember one occasion when GS1 actually kissed a photo of his nanny (I am granny) in a photo album we were looking through. You know the expression "pierced my heart"? Well.... hmm

It passes. I couldn't care less anymore. They love me. I think. The younger one absolutely adores my purse. hmm grin

rosesarered Fri 26-Jun-15 13:28:52

By ignoring what a four year old says.Don't allow yourself to be upset, she is young, and will grow up, they say all sorts of things.It's natural that your DIL wants her own Mother to be around more, that's just the way it is, and we all have to live with it, it's not a popularity competition anyway.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 26-Jun-15 13:29:39

You know, even at four, that little girl could have been deliberately trying to get at you. GS1 started very young. (He's come right out of it now, at nearly fourteen) smile

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 26-Jun-15 13:30:41

OPh, you have to admit, it feels like a popularity contest. #wearehuman

rosesarered Fri 26-Jun-15 13:31:28

This iPad! grr, changes words and Misses out letters, drives me crazy!The above post should read don't allow yourself to be upset and it is natural that DIL wants her own Mother etc.

Sadiesnan Fri 26-Jun-15 13:33:24

Thanks for those replies. Yes, I've said to myself it's not a popularity contest! I've also told myself to ignore what a four year old said. I have four sons and I've always been closest to this one. I can't help feeling a bit sidelined in favour of supergran! I know I'm being a bit daft but there it is.

saturnvista Fri 26-Jun-15 13:33:56

I feel for you. It it makes you feel any better, my three year old daughter has always made it patently obvious that she loves her daddy best by light years!

I think children aren't always aware of how they feel about individuals really - it's more about what they do with each person. If you were to do an activity with her that she really loves, she would probably think differently.

As I grew up, I found that relatives who hadn't been great with small children suddenly found their niche in my life.

But it can be hard for the paternal grandparent without a doubt. Unless young mothers feel a close bond with their MIL, they're likely to feel more comfortable 'letting it all hang out' when they're with their own mum - which translates into more access for her.

Sadiesnan Fri 26-Jun-15 13:38:12

You ladies on here are very wise. I'm feeling better already. I'll have to do more baking with my granddaughter, she loves making little cakes with me. Neither her mum or supergran are very good at baking.

Marelli Fri 26-Jun-15 13:39:50

Sadiesnan, I do know how you might be feeling. My DD (now separated from her DH) had a mother-in-law who was very closely involved with her son and my DGD. It was always expected that they would all go along to her house each Saturday and spend time with her, her DH and the rest of the family, who filled the house to bursting-point. They were also expected to go on holiday as a group. It was also expected that DGD would spend many hours with her as well, and this caused lots of problems, which actually has partly led to the break-up of DD's marriage, I believe.
DGD, when she was younger, used to say similar things to me, Sadiesnan. It did hurt, even though I knew the wee one didn't understand. It was just a case of her other gran being the one who did everything. I wasn't allowed into the equation, really. Try not to fret. Just carry on as you always have. I'm sure you're doing a perfect job as Granny. What does your son say about it?

merlotgran Fri 26-Jun-15 13:42:46

I know how you feel, Sadiesnan, When our grandsons were small they lived in Northern Ireland and SIL's mother lived next door. The eldest boy would frequently remind me that I wasn't his real granny which hurt like hell especially as I knew the old bat was winding him up. You just have to swallow hard and smile.

It all comes out in the wash as they say. It's just a matter of waiting until they get their heads around family relationships.

She's dead now!

J52 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:43:11

As a mother of sons, I feel for you and can understand exactly how you feel.

There is little you can do, but avoid any confrontation that will make a situation.

There are many GNs that recall instances of this.

Its hard, but thats the way it is. As others have said, little children just say what is in there minds at that moment, with no idea of the true effect.

I try to put perceived slights into a mental box and move on, unfortunately they do jump out rom time to time.

You are not alone flowers


Marelli Fri 26-Jun-15 13:44:34

Re the baking, Sadiesnan....I had made a particularly bad batch of scones (with the assistance of DGD)! She was about 8 at the time and said that she couldn't wait to tell her gran (I'm Grandma) because SHE was a wonderful baker gringrin!

J52 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:44:54


Sadiesnan Fri 26-Jun-15 13:47:51

There are some wonderful replies on here. Thanks so much for your kindness and insight. x

Jane10 Fri 26-Jun-15 13:54:48

When I was about 12 my Grandmother (mothers mum) launched an unforgivable verbal tirade about my other Gran who I loved dearly. I don't know why she felt like that. She said awful things to me about Gran. It didn't make any difference about how I felt about Gran but certainly affected how I felt about the one saying such horrible things. She must have felt jealous I suppose but I don't know why as I saw a lot of her too. It was such a foolish thing for her to do. Now I'm a Gran I really try to model myself on the good Gran. Does that make sense?!

loopylou Fri 26-Jun-15 14:03:48

Being a grandmother isn't some kind of competition with the DC's in laws.

Maybe I'm lucky, DS's inlaws live abroad but they come over regularly and we get on very well if we see them.
DDILs will naturally gravitate towards their own mothers won't they?

I'm sure DGS loves us all so no problem grin
The last time we met with DS's inlaws DGS was in his element and both grannies were ignored while the grandfathers and he played silly with DS hmm so the three of us left them to it and went out to tea in peace and quie smile

Elegran Fri 26-Jun-15 14:38:32

Jane10 One of grandmothers was very insecure - a result of spending some of her childhood in an orphanage/workhouse, when her mother died.

She once said to me "You like Granny x****x more than me, don't you? I had never thought about which of them I liked more - they were very different, but both were mine. That is a most unfair thing to put upon a small child.

As you say, it did make me think, not about Granny x****x but about Granny y****y and why she should feel that. Even at such a young age, I did have an inkling that it was because it was that she feared it was true.

If the OP's "other gran" is putting the thought into her grandchild's head, then it must be because she is insecure with sharing - so she is to be pitied, not feared. Be nice about her, while making sure that you and your grandchild have a good relationship.

annodomini Fri 26-Jun-15 14:41:24

Consider yourself lucky that you live close enough to have a meaningful relationship with your GD. Many of us don't. And reflect that it's possible that she says just the same thing to the other granny. 4-year-olds aren't above playing off one against the other. And just enjoy that baking activity. By the time she was ten, GD1 (who did live near me) regularly invaded my kitchen to bake cakes and cookies which she'd researched on line using my computer. We are still very close, though no longer geographically and she has turned out to be a good cook.

merlotgran Fri 26-Jun-15 14:53:42

One thing that got my goat when our grandchildren started to arrive like items on a conveyer belt was that the other grandmothers asked me what I was going to be called and then insisted on being the same. I had decided on granny but wished I'd said I hadn't made up my mind.

I then found out that one of them is Nana to her other grandchildren but granny to the one she shares with me angry

Talk about confusing the poor little blighters.

To avoid confusion they both then decided to be called Granny......first name so I decided to be Granny.....surname which sounds frightfully posh grin

Elegran Fri 26-Jun-15 14:57:47

My two grannies were Granny x and Granny y - all grandmothers were Granny where they lived, so there was no question of anything else.

One of my children's grandmothers was Granny, the other Nana.

annodomini Fri 26-Jun-15 15:17:40

One set of GC have several grannies because of second marriages and so on. There's Granny A, Granny E, Granny M, and Great Granny. In Scotland and Northern Ireland granny is still quite usual and I personally consider it an honorific.

Nonnie Fri 26-Jun-15 15:19:07

You have my sympathy because I can imagine so many things which could be behind this but may well not. I don't think there is anything at all you can do about it so just enjoy her and have fun and let it go.

shysal Fri 26-Jun-15 16:40:54

Don't be upset Sadiesnan, it has happened to many of us.
DD2's MIL lives much closer than I do, so sees more of the 3 DGSs. I often feel excluded as she is also a great socializer. However, when the boys were younger they told her that they preferred me blush. This was due to the baking (e.g. bum-shaped bread rolls) and also the 'scientific experiments' I often prepared for them. There are loads of ideas on line, usually involving balloon powered vehicles and cable cars, or vinegar/bicarb reactions to make rockets, volcanoes or just a fizzy mess in a plastic beer glass!

Leticia Fri 26-Jun-15 17:54:37

I wouldn't see it as a contest. You are there for the long game. What she says as a small child isn't really relevant. Just be yourself.