Upset with granddaughter

4 yr old are very good at dishing out 'I don't love you any more' or 'you can't come to my party' or 'I love daddy best' etc etc. It isn't something to take seriously.

Children say what they are thinking at that minute and does not usually reflect their feelings at other times.
I never worry because you can see the love in their eyes when they run to greet you.

Just keep being you.

Children sometimes say cruel things without realising how hurtful they're being.

Our son used to say he didn't like food when he meant that he'd had enough or didn't want to try something. Although he knew more words and with help could explain himself in more detail he wasn't able to do it unaided. I know this is different but it shows that sometimes children who appear to be chatterboxes and have a good vocabulary sometimes don't use the correct words to say what they mean.

Thanks all for the really great advice xxx

One of my GSs went through a phase where he much preferred his granddad and tried to keep me out of their games. Presently 9 year old GS doesn't want me to hug or kiss him. He dives under the duvet in case I try to when saying goodnight.

Once I was sitting in a row of seats with GS and his other granny and GS asked me to move chairs so he could sit next to her instead of me. Found that a bit hurtful but soon got over it.

I travel for thousands of miles to see my GC's and they still prefer to go next door to see their paternal GP's who they see most days off their lives. It is hard, it hurts, but it is understandable. I am just the Granny who appears once a year and the others are the constant. They are the ones who sit them down in front of the telly with biscuits and treats and let them do what they want and don't do anything constructive with them and I am the one who, stupidly, forks out the readies and takes them to the zoo/cinema/museum/theatre/beach. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, but at least I make an effort and give them a chance to do other things (do they appreciate it I wonder). But, heh, that's life.

It will pass! I think young mums tend to gravitate towards their own mums to start with - but you will have your own role to play. "Loves her other granny more than me" - little minx! Just play it cool!

GS2 says yes when he's asked if he loves Mummy and Daddy but I just get a Hmmm! But I get lots of hugs and kisses from him so that's all good

I so agree with your last comment Mishap. I think we all have our own role in DGC lives, which may become more apparent as the children get older. I have 5 (6th due any day now!), but have varied relationships with all of them. I try not to get into competition with other grannies. The children need to see all their DGPs as important in their lives.

Mind you, not so sure 1 of the other grannies plays the same game!! We have no contact.

It also works the other way. My DGS2, DS of DD2, recently discovered that I am also Gran to the children of DD1. He was not happy with that idea because he thought I belonged only to him (get the tissues). He also said this week that I was the best Gran he never had! I think he got that a bit mixed up but he is only 5. He gets very concerned if I have a cut or bruise. He knows that there is something wrong with me (to difficult to expalin all the details to a small child) but he thinks it makes me special and knows that he has to be very good for me. He helps to make up for the other grandchildren I do not see.
SPF

Children find relationships very difficult. If I tell my 3 year old DGS that his mummy is my baby and I'm her mummy he gets really upset and has been known to burst into tears. His mummy belongs to him. I don't know what he'll do in a few weeks time when his baby sister comes along

i think it can be 'swings and roundabouts'. I have one grandchild (grand daughter, now 15). My daughter is her mum and for the first year after she was born we saw a lot of her as our daughter wasn't over keen on her mother-in-law and naturally wanted her own mum around with a small baby. Her mother-in-law has three other grandchildren, we have only the one. My daughter did her best to make sure her in-laws were involved as much as possible but we saw much more of our granddaughter than they did. Things are different now, however. My daughter gets on much better with her mother-in-law than she used to and they see more of our granddaughter than we do. Things change. Don't worry too much about it, although I realise it's hurtful.

Marmight your post struck a chord
It's hard being a distant grandparent anyway, but harder still when the co-grandparents are a stone's throw away.
I'm fortunate that DiL's parents are very sympathetic to our situation and DiL's mum in particular talks to the DGCs about us in a positive way and we email and exchange photos and so on.
But it's hard not to feel a bit marginalised sometimes, all the same.
I'm sure that when your DGCs are older, what they will remember is their Pommie Gran taking them to all those fabulous places

My DGS's don't have any other grandparents other than me, but still preferred my brother, their Great Uncle.

ruby; I'm the same. I'm the 'only granny' and they seem to just take me or leave me. We never discuss who loves who and how much [I just assume their love for mum and dad is all consuming, and that's how it should be] but, as they get older we seem to be becoming chums, which is how I like it. At this moment in time we're muddling along with each other quite nicely, and I'm trying to spend time with one of them at a time whenever possible to give them some 'time with mum' time#toomanytimesinthatsentence. Little baby granddaughter just cries if I hold her so I just have conversations with her; she looks at me in puzzlement [daft woman, she's thinking] but we seem to understand each other.

There's an awful lot of this about - a new phenomenon even.

Seems to me mothers have more of a hold on their adult daughters than used to be - whether due to more family break up (daughters feeling protective of mum) and/or IT explosion increasing opportunities for communication (phoning or texting every day!).

And I do wonder whether there isn't a kind of unspoken conspiracy between DIL and her mum to 'safeguard' MIL's time and entitlement around the grandchildren. MIL feels threatened perhaps and DIL is 'obliged' to make her feel better.

It's horrible. But all I would say is children know when they are loved so keep that love in your heart for your grandchildren and they will feel special around you regardless!

When I was growing up, I lived within walking distance of my paternal grandparents. My brother and I were their only grandchildren, we saw them daily and were thoroughly spoilt by 'Big' Nanny, granddad was more remote and 'old school'.
My maternal grandparents lived a few miles away but in rural Norfolk in the 1950's we only saw them on high days and holidays as we had no car and the buses were infrequent. They had another 4 older grandchildren who lived closer to them. When we did see them, my 'Little' Nanny appeared to be straight-laced and less loving. Because the money had to go further, there were few treats for us. As a result when I was younger I much preferred my 'Big' Nanny. However when we got older and were able to see 'Little' Nanny more I learned to appreciate her kindness, sense of humour and intelligence. Where 'Big' Nanny could be difficult at times with other adults and hurt my brother by saying she didn't like boys past the age of 12, 'Little' Nanny had greater emotional intelligence.
BTW 'Big' and 'Little' referred to their height!
What I'm trying to say, is be yourself, your grandchildren will come to understand and love you in their own time. It isn't a competition, although both my grandmothers have been dead a long time, I remember them both and the time I spent with them with great fondness.
Now I'm a 'Nanna' myself, I try to remember the lessons I learned from both these wonderful women

I have no daughters and am paternal grandmother to five.

I have had it both ways concerning the other grandmas.(DS2 has been married twice).
During both of marriages DH and I have provided our grandchildren with a home until their parents got sorted with one.
The other grandparents were not interested in any way to provide help, we cared for our grandchildren in school holidays and did the school run when needed neither of the other side offered any help at all.
After the marriage break ups the children lived with their mother but still wanted to visit us although they saw their other grandparents more frequently.
The two youngest are now 14 and 12 and are more independant.Ex-DIL2 works part time and I know the children are left in the house on their own when not at school and also leave for school after their mother has gone out to work and arrive home to an empty house until she returns.Her mother still does not give any help but is fond of boasting on facebook about her grandchildren and having her friends remind her about how she is a wonderful mother and grandmother.This keeps her happy.
The children visit us once a week but hardly ever speak about their other grandma
My son tells me that when he was married to their mother they would all go and visit DILs mother who would tolerate them all for an hour then start dropping hints about them going home now as she was going out.
As long as my grandchildren keep visiting me I could not care less.

I agree with Leticia! My little granddaughter loved her French Grandma more when she was little as they empathised more but now, at 11, she texts me regularly and we have a super relationship and no feelings of being hard done to - just one of sharing the delights!

My DGS (nearly 4) used to see more of his Granny than me (DD insisted I be Grandma), and I felt sure that he loved her more. I was desperately jealous, but figured it was a wasted emotion as he was always going to feel just what he was going to feel and the only thing I could do was enjoy whatever he threw my way.

So I'm completely normal with him (i.e. not competing for his affections) and we just have fun together... and unbelievably he adores me! I'm also quite strict with him; for example I insisted on washing his hair in spite of a 45 minute meltdown on his part, but as I was putting him to bed an hour or so later he told me he loved me for the first time. Melted my heart, and still does whenever he says it. He never talks about his Granny, but I figure so long as he loves me that's good enough for me!

And as a small child I wonder who influenced that statement!

My daughter's daughter would only come to me out of DIRE necessity - she would go to ANYONE except me... and she was born on my birthday! :-( Pierced hearts, etc. I played it very cool, didn't try to approach her. I used to send her postcards and parcels regularly and make sure i wasn't forgotten. Now she is nearly 6, we are firm friends, and the relationship is good. I suspect the problem lies with her mother's relationship with her inlaws which is brilliant - far, far better than that of her husband with us. He doesn't seem to like us much and is too peculiar for us though we have done our damndest to make him welcome.

I can see it is upsetting but this child is only four. In what context did your DGD say this?
My co-inlaw lives much nearer our DGS than I do I expect he prefers her house. He keeps on telling me that Grandma has mini magnums in her freezer. I didn't have any when he came to my house. If you looked at that from the perspective of a nearly 3 yr old you would probably agree that mini magmums are better than what I have in my freezer.

Do not get this out of proportion. The number of times my DD would say "I don't like you anymore" when reprimanded or told No! It's far better to ignore it.

Yes it does happen to the best of us ! it might be said in order to see your reactions, you could "deflate" the situation by asking why she prefers the other grandma..and say "Yes I see, she very good". The child might never say anything likethis again because you reaction was boring!

Let's just enjoy them as much as we can and leave out the competition .I have 3 grandchildren twins of 5 from my son and daughter in law and one three year granddaughter from my daughter and son in law. My DIL comes from a very close knit family and her mother was very involved with them , sometimes to my detriment I felt .Sadly when the twins were one she was diagnosed with cancer and after a long struggle she died last year . My son in law's father died before his grandchild was born and now his mother is very poorly with cancer too. So we never know what might happen to us and let's all love our grandchildren "up to the sky and down again" and not feel it's a competition to who is loved the most .