Really need help and advice

As all has gone quiet now, I sort of wonder if this and its sister correspondence was all a concerted action by "the other place" to wind up us Grannies ??

Jeez don't get me going on Italian mammas

My husband nosied througg her ipad one day and saw a message from one of her friends about me calling me a bitch, a sad case and that id get what i deserve. She also said that my husband and my son are her priority

I don't believe I am the M or MIL from hell, but I think reading somebody else's iPad (presumably emails or Messaging) is pretty low behaviour! It's like reading somebody else's mail or eavesdropping on a private conversation, and we all know the saying "eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves".
It is clear that OP will never like her PILs from the way she describes their behaviour, it is not advice she is asking for, but agreement that they are wrong and she is right.
Taken in conjunction with the other thread about the in-laws staying for a week I am frankly surprised they should want to . If her DH cannot behave like a mature and responsible adult and kowtows to his mother that is not necessarily being a "good son", it is being a weak partner. No wonder OP is so vitriolic, there are clearly serious issues here.
Would there be a cultural issue, perhaps? Italian mammas, Jewish mommas, some Asian parents all these seem to be able to rule their sons with a rod of iron!
We only know one side of this situation so it is hard to assess who is right and who is wrong, but I am seeing wrong on both sides.
I am also unhappy at the generalised MIL/DM bashing that these threads have generated. Whatever happened to respect and tolerance?

I had a dreadful MIL. I put up with her for many years but she got worse and worse. She drank and used to say very spiteful things. When she did it in front of the kidsI snapped. DH always supported.me which made all the difference.
I just refused to see her. D H went with the boys but I stayed at home . She missed a fair few Christmas Days.

We eventually met 5 years later at a funeral nd she was very friendly. We never had problems again. Never lovy dovy but at least she had stopped bullying me.

Some women do have trouble with jealousy over DIL. I never interfere and steer an even course. It is not my business how sons live and bring up kids.

You may need to be proactive Little pig but need your partners support.....that is essential. Good luck

You could send for the book, even if it doesn't apply to your situation it may give you some insight.

I couldnt agree more Rosequartz, grandparents are and can be very special people in a persons life, mine certainly were.

and this could help too:

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-In-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage/dp/0060507853
to give you a coping strategy, because imo it would be very sad for your DS never to see them any more.

Here's the link to the other thread in the summer, if it helps littlepig66

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/a1217759-Really-need-help-and-advice

Hope all goes well and keep ing

Thank you harrigran and sally345 for your kind words and advice. I think we will be keeping our distance and unfortunately when it comes to my son and future childrens lives they will be nothing more than distant relatives which is sad, but not my fault as the relationship is too toxic to continue in any other form. All trust is gone, and i wouldnt even know how to begin to trust them again, and as you have all said, this woman's mind is made up about me, if the last 10 years havent changed anything, i dont see it in the next 10!!

Again ladies thank you all for your advice, its been greatly appreciated.

I really do sympathies what a terrible situation. You can only do what feels right for you and know that whatever the outcome you did your best.

Much love and a big hug from me.

Take care and god bless

Such a shame that this vindictive woman is spoiling the pleasure of your DS. Your MIL has no entitlement to a say in his upbringing and she should get down on her knees and thank you for your tolerance. As others have said I would distance myself from M and FIL and get on with your own life. Life is too short to suffer this kind of agro.

Phoenix- that made me LOL!!

I really do appreciate all your comments ladies, i mean some of the stuff that has happened has just been so absurd, i wouldnt wven be surprised if people thought i was joking.

I am just a normal albeit young mother and wife and while i appreciate ive still a lot to learn, id like to do it on my own terms and learn from my own mistakes. I havent had the easiest of lives and im quite mature and independent, but i am able to ask for help etc when i know i need it and want it.

I always try my best to be kind and respectful of others and if anything this has taught me about the kind of mil i dont want to be, because if im lucky one day i will be and i will have the confidence to know that i raised my son well enough to know that if he needs me he knows im there, and ill respect his space and privacy as an adult and i will just beem with pride that he and whoever is his wife have created their own family. I dont have any right to anything in their life or a say, their children wont be mine. I will just be happy to know that he's happy and included in whatever way they want.

* she told me that some of her friends had given her gifts for my son, i asked her who, so that i could write them a thank you card for the gift and her response was "it doesnt matter, i know who they are"*

With regard to this, perhaps you could put an announcement in the local paper along the lines of " to all those who were kind enough to give a gift for baby [name] via bitches name MIL name, thank you so much, I would love to thank you all personally, however psycho mil/bitch Name, has for some reason not been able to tell me who the gifts were from"

Plants the seed that she is either A) Showing signs of senility and/or dementia, or B) That she is a thoroughly nasty piece of work!

Steer clear! - life is too short for this nonsense.

Thanks for all your feedback ladies, i will take it all on board.
It has been nice to get everything of my chest and to just jave recognition that this isnt normal behaviour and that im right in how i feel.
Luckygirl, i once tried to stand up for myself to my father in law, he screwed his face up in disgust and told me how dare i speak to him like that in his own house.....all the while he comes into my house ans tells me i cant put my newbor. To bed until he has had a "go" with him. That was the last time i have ever attempted to do such a thing.

Keeping our distance seems to be the solution and holding ground with our boundaries etc. All the bad stuff they say about me or all the grief they give us i will try to let it go over my head, but it is difficult.

I mean as an example of how every week there seems to be something, she told me that some of her friends had given her gifts for my son, i asked her who, so that i could write them a thank you card for the gift and her response was "it doesnt matter, i know who they are", its situations like this that leave me dumbfounded!

I had a MIL from hell, so can truly sympathise- even when I was nursing her 24/7 when she was dying I had incessant criticism and snide remarks- she even introduced me to her GP as the 'cheapest help sent by the agency'

After 30+ years of her I did just let it go over my head but it wasn't easy. Nothing I did or said was going to change the fact that I married her dearly beloved eldest son - and it was compounded by my sister marrying her youngest son!

Just as an aside. My SIL had to stand up to his father the other week over an outrageous incident involving one of the GC. This is the first time he has ever stood up to him, and the results have all been positive.

Many years ago I knew a woman who was like this, but her son and his wife managed to sort of resolve the situation.

They emigrated and didn't tell her.

I think you need to explain to your husband that the whole situation is making you feel ill and very anxious. This can't be good for you, him or your baby and I think your husband needs to be much firmer with his mother. If she is unwilling to respect you and your home and insists on interfering, I think he needs to explain to her that she will no longer be welcome in your house. This may be difficult for him, since he has no doubt been intimidated by his mother from childhood and still feels awkward confronting her, but it really must be done if it is not to damage your own little family's wellbeing.

Normally I would say to try, to some extent, to accommodate awkward behaviour from in-laws but I think in this case it sounds very like bullying - and if bullies are accommodated they become even more emboldened and demanding.

Nobody needs or wants toxic people in their lives. No if's, buts, or what if: get rid of.

No matter what you do it will be wrong in this woman's eyes - so do what you and your DH want. If they invite themselves and its not convenient just say so - it won't make any difference to what she says about you anyway.

I appreciate your DH doesn't want to upset his mother but he does need to have a quiet chat with her and explain that the way she treats you is causing him pain but that if she is trying to make him choose, you and your child will always come first.

Elena- leave at her arse means she doesnt pick up after herself, towels left on floor, glasses everywhere, lights left on, rubbish left in spare room when they leave etc

Soontobe- they live a plane journey away....and somehow feel that thwy can just invite themselves when they want- if we say its no good, and that it doesnt suit us.....all hell breaks loose and of course it must be me who keeps them away, its not the fact that we work loads and have the baby now too.

Luckygirl- i really appreciate your advice, i am really going to try to not let it affect me so much

How far away do they live?

Some bits of this I don't understand ('she just leaves everything at her arse'????) but the gist is clear - and I don't see any dilemma at all. The behaviour of these in-laws is more than sufficient to justify a clear break. It need not be permanent, of course, if they come to their senses.