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Really need help and advice

(32 Posts)
Littlepig66 Thu 30-Jul-15 11:29:15

Hello ladies,

I am having really bad problems with my mil and it's gotten to the point now where i dont know what to do apart from cut her off. I really dont want to do this or hurt my husband, but the situation is so tough.

I will try and explain the back ground as much as possible- please be blunt with me or give me whatever advice you can.

I have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 3, we are in our late 20's and so we've been together for most of our lives. The problems started when we were teenagers, the usual over bearing father of my husband not wanting us to get into a serious relationship, afraid of teenage pregnancy and in general just that im not good enough. Over the last 11 years there has been lots of snide remarks, passive aggressive comments and intentional humiliation aimed at me.....and ive never really had a conversation at all with this man. My husbands mother, i thought, we always had a good relationship, no close, not bosom buddies, surface deep but good. My husband isnt very close with his family, they dont discuss anything personal and his brother and sister dont even speak to me.

Over the 11 years ive tried my very best to make an effort to be included and to include them. I have always arranged thoughful gifts, lent a hand when needed etc, but it has gotten me nowhere.

Me and my husband moved away for work, to another country, i always made sure my huaband contacted his family because i knew if he didn't they would blame me, so the relationship we have had is maybe a phone call ever few months and maybe a visit once or twice a year if even. We got married in our home town as it was easier and less expensive for family.......the problems seem to have gotten worse from here......

I tried to include my mil in the planning of the wedding, initially she was interested and i hoped that we would bond, i askes my husbands sister to be bridesmaid but because she couldnt choose the dress ahe wanted she didnt want to be bridesmaid ( she is 20 something years old). Then there were problems because we wanted to keep it small and they wantes their neighbours to go! I gave in to please them, but now i know i shouldnt have. For us our wedding was amazing, but the next day my mil picked it all apart about what she didnt like etc and i was so hurt....

Following year i got pregnant, first grandchild and all that, everyone really excited etc. We knew there needed to be some boundaries as every week that went by we were getting messages of " i want this" etc and i felt suffocated.

She demanded that she stay in our home and with a new baby and recovering from c-sec i was in no mood to have house guests, but i let her come and it was the biggest mistake of my life. She demand my little baby from me, picked him up without asking, he needed to be fed and was crying and she turned away from me and wouldnt give him to me...... She has more or less continues in this manner and ita just getting more intense. Every time they arent happy with our decisions they kick off or if they dont get want the want they blame me. She recently sent my huaband a message to say that she didnt feel she was "important" enough and didnt have the "status" that she wants....i feel like pulling my hair out.

Before the baby was born i tries to be honest with her and tell her that she is a super mum because she raised my husband but that my baby is not hers and that she wouldnt be raising him or making any decisions about him- ( i know you are all probably cringing at this) she was furious to say the least and basically went on a backstabbing spree to all their close friends and family and now i just feel judged and i dont know what to do.

My husband nosied througg her ipad one day and saw a message from one of her friends about me calling me a bitch, a sad case and that id get what i deserve. She also said that my husband and my son are her priority.

I feel really uncomfortable because i know that this friend wont have beeb the only person she has spoken badly about me to, how can i let someone like this be in my childs life?

I havent even listed her worst offences, there are loads more along with the constant ignoring of our wishes and passive aggressive text mesaages.

I feel sick with worry and anxiety and its starting to affect me alot. I dont understand where the grand sense of entitlement comes from, or the fact they thinks they have rights to my child, they dont. I really wish the could just see us as a lovely bonus and enjoy how we involve them.

Im just desperate for advice and to know that this is obviously not normal behaviour. She has totally over romanticised everything in her head and ger expectations are the opposite of what we want, i mean we dont even have a close relationship! Im so overwhelmed. Any advixe would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is such a long post.....

ninathenana Thu 30-Jul-15 11:55:01

Oh my, I could call her a few names too !!
You will understand when I say there are two sides to every story but if your MiL is half that bad you have my sympathy.
I'm sure the majority of GN's would say 'good for you' for stating that she has no rights over your child and that you and DH will be making the decisions.
I don't know why some in-laws are so mean to their DC's partners. I was never happy with my exSiL but I never showed it.
I have no advice I sorry, just my sympathy.

Luckygirl Thu 30-Jul-15 12:11:30

You need to be strong - because you are in the right.
She has no entitlement to tell you how to bring up your child.

This time with young children is precious time - I know that I and many grans here look back on it with a sense that they would love to do it all again!

I think you have to stop minding what she thinks about you, or what she tells others about you. Frankly do you really give a d* what she thinks?! - I wouldn't. It is you and your OH who matter in this scenario - you are the parents and the upbringing of your child is your affair and yours only.

I would give up on involving them at your own invitation because in a way that is dishonest - you don't really want to invite them, you are doing it out of a sense of duty. Just get on with your lives. If they invite themselves, then be polite but firm about their place in the scheme of things.

I did not have many problems with my MIL - she was frankly not very interested in the children and was mainly drunk - driven to it by her ghastly OH. I am beginning to think that was an easier scenario than that which you are facing.

Good luck - stay strong!

Littlepig66 Thu 30-Jul-15 12:34:10

Thank you both for your advice ladies. Ninathenana- of course i understand there are two sides to every story and i am sure if we were to hear from her side her greviences would be that i dont let her be as involved as she wants to be.....but that is only because of how they treat me. And that i dont let her do what she wants, but i mean why would i if its not what i want? Surely as an adult i have control over my own life and my childrens life to an extent of course. I really wanted her to like me and for us to have a close relationship but i guess they were never interested and so we are where we are and their involvement now is what it is and i doubt it will ever be more. I dont really know why i care so much about what she thinks of me but in regards to what she says about me, it hurts because its untrue.

I think ive put up with their treatment for so long because i love my husband so much, he is so supportive but they intimidate him so much and act lile they have authority over him, and he obviously being a really good son doesnt want hmto hurt his mums feelings so we always try to approach it in a nice way explaining what we want but they just ignore it every time, so i dont see any other way than being blunt!

I will take your advice on board ladies. This ia such a tough situation. I dont even feel like im denying my son anything because the relationship seems so unhealthy and just adds stress. We are surrounded by loads of people who love and support us- other family and friends who are just like family and they respect our decisions, space and privacy and i just dont know why they can't.

Marmight Thu 30-Jul-15 12:40:52

Good heavens! What a terrible dilemma you are in. I think this woman has a big problem. Do as Luckygirl suggests : just get on with your life, don't include her or her family in any of your arrangements but when you do meet, be cool calm and collected so she has absolutely no reason to criticise you. You say your husband has little contact with his family, but what does he feel about the way you are treated - has he approached his mother about the appalling way she behaves towards you? You are a strong, sensible woman; try, hard as it is, to ignore this dreadful woman who has alienated you, her son and eventually her grandchild. Good luck. flowers

Littlepig66 Thu 30-Jul-15 12:59:42

Thank you Marmight. Yes my husband doesnt have a lot of contact with them, when i was pregnant they contacted him more but never me until near the end of my pregnancy. He is really hurt by their treatment and actions towards me, i can see that it really hurts him and makes him sad. He is not a confrontational person at all, he's really kind hearted and cares about everyone, but he has over the last few months had it out with her, not in the argument sense but just telling her what we want and how its going to be, but they just ignore it. In his last message after he had said a few things she said in the mesaage " who is this? Is this really you?? " and told him that she didnt know where he had "gone" but that "she'd always love him"sad and this was the message where she said she wasnt " important " enough and didnt have the "status" that she wants.

I am just baffled! I have always treated her with respect and ive never had a cross word with her, even when i told her she wouldn't play a part in raising my son or making any decisions regarding him i told her i was sorry for hurting her feelings but that i felt like it had to be said. When they stay at our home, before it just used to be they invited themselves without asking and now they have to ask, they come and they dont clean up after themselves and she just leaves everything at her arse......just total lack of respect.

Luckygirl Thu 30-Jul-15 13:22:58

Just stop worrying about them - it is your little family that matters; they have had their turn to be parents and now it is yours.

If she treated you well then she would also get a chance to be a grandmother; but it is in her own hands.

Not everyone in this life is going to like you, and trying to get people to do so is a lost cause. And what a waste of life and of that lovely time when your children are young.

Put it out of your mind - be polite when they are there, but don't initiate contact.

If she becomes insistent, then stand your ground and let her know the ground rules - she probably won't like it, but this situation is not of your making.

Just get on with your life! - and leave her to get on with hers as far as you are able.

elena Thu 30-Jul-15 13:24:12

Some bits of this I don't understand ('she just leaves everything at her arse'????) but the gist is clear - and I don't see any dilemma at all. The behaviour of these in-laws is more than sufficient to justify a clear break. It need not be permanent, of course, if they come to their senses.

soontobe Thu 30-Jul-15 13:36:23

How far away do they live?

Littlepig66 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:40:34

Elena- leave at her arse means she doesnt pick up after herself, towels left on floor, glasses everywhere, lights left on, rubbish left in spare room when they leave etc

Soontobe- they live a plane journey away....and somehow feel that thwy can just invite themselves when they want- if we say its no good, and that it doesnt suit us.....all hell breaks loose and of course it must be me who keeps them away, its not the fact that we work loads and have the baby now too.

Luckygirl- i really appreciate your advice, i am really going to try to not let it affect me so much

sunseeker Thu 30-Jul-15 14:53:26

No matter what you do it will be wrong in this woman's eyes - so do what you and your DH want. If they invite themselves and its not convenient just say so - it won't make any difference to what she says about you anyway.

I appreciate your DH doesn't want to upset his mother but he does need to have a quiet chat with her and explain that the way she treats you is causing him pain but that if she is trying to make him choose, you and your child will always come first.

petra Thu 30-Jul-15 15:29:58

Nobody needs or wants toxic people in their lives. No if's, buts, or what if: get rid of.

Eloethan Thu 30-Jul-15 15:59:39

I think you need to explain to your husband that the whole situation is making you feel ill and very anxious. This can't be good for you, him or your baby and I think your husband needs to be much firmer with his mother. If she is unwilling to respect you and your home and insists on interfering, I think he needs to explain to her that she will no longer be welcome in your house. This may be difficult for him, since he has no doubt been intimidated by his mother from childhood and still feels awkward confronting her, but it really must be done if it is not to damage your own little family's wellbeing.

Normally I would say to try, to some extent, to accommodate awkward behaviour from in-laws but I think in this case it sounds very like bullying - and if bullies are accommodated they become even more emboldened and demanding.

Anne58 Thu 30-Jul-15 17:09:06

Many years ago I knew a woman who was like this, but her son and his wife managed to sort of resolve the situation.

They emigrated and didn't tell her.

Luckygirl Thu 30-Jul-15 17:31:53

Just as an aside. My SIL had to stand up to his father the other week over an outrageous incident involving one of the GC. This is the first time he has ever stood up to him, and the results have all been positive.

loopylou Thu 30-Jul-15 17:55:14

I had a MIL from hell, so can truly sympathise- even when I was nursing her 24/7 when she was dying I had incessant criticism and snide remarks- she even introduced me to her GP as the 'cheapest help sent by the agency' angry

After 30+ years of her I did just let it go over my head but it wasn't easy. Nothing I did or said was going to change the fact that I married her dearly beloved eldest son - and it was compounded by my sister marrying her youngest son!

Littlepig66 Thu 30-Jul-15 18:40:41

Thanks for all your feedback ladies, i will take it all on board.
It has been nice to get everything of my chest and to just jave recognition that this isnt normal behaviour and that im right in how i feel.
Luckygirl, i once tried to stand up for myself to my father in law, he screwed his face up in disgust and told me how dare i speak to him like that in his own house.....all the while he comes into my house ans tells me i cant put my newbor. To bed until he has had a "go" with him. That was the last time i have ever attempted to do such a thing.

Keeping our distance seems to be the solution and holding ground with our boundaries etc. All the bad stuff they say about me or all the grief they give us i will try to let it go over my head, but it is difficult.

I mean as an example of how every week there seems to be something, she told me that some of her friends had given her gifts for my son, i asked her who, so that i could write them a thank you card for the gift and her response was "it doesnt matter, i know who they are", its situations like this that leave me dumbfounded!

Luckygirl Thu 30-Jul-15 18:53:04

Steer clear! - life is too short for this nonsense.

Anne58 Thu 30-Jul-15 19:46:25

* she told me that some of her friends had given her gifts for my son, i asked her who, so that i could write them a thank you card for the gift and her response was "it doesnt matter, i know who they are"*

With regard to this, perhaps you could put an announcement in the local paper along the lines of " to all those who were kind enough to give a gift for baby [name] via bitches name MIL name, thank you so much, I would love to thank you all personally, however psycho mil/bitch Name, has for some reason not been able to tell me who the gifts were from"

Plants the seed that she is either A) Showing signs of senility and/or dementia, or B) That she is a thoroughly nasty piece of work!

Littlepig66 Thu 30-Jul-15 20:41:47

Phoenix- that made me LOL!!

I really do appreciate all your comments ladies, i mean some of the stuff that has happened has just been so absurd, i wouldnt wven be surprised if people thought i was joking.

I am just a normal albeit young mother and wife and while i appreciate ive still a lot to learn, id like to do it on my own terms and learn from my own mistakes. I havent had the easiest of lives and im quite mature and independent, but i am able to ask for help etc when i know i need it and want it.

I always try my best to be kind and respectful of others and if anything this has taught me about the kind of mil i dont want to be, because if im lucky one day i will be and i will have the confidence to know that i raised my son well enough to know that if he needs me he knows im there, and ill respect his space and privacy as an adult and i will just beem with pride that he and whoever is his wife have created their own family. I dont have any right to anything in their life or a say, their children wont be mine. I will just be happy to know that he's happy and included in whatever way they want.

harrigran Thu 30-Jul-15 23:29:50

Such a shame that this vindictive woman is spoiling the pleasure of your DS. Your MIL has no entitlement to a say in his upbringing and she should get down on her knees and thank you for your tolerance. As others have said I would distance myself from M and FIL and get on with your own life. Life is too short to suffer this kind of agro.

sally345 Fri 31-Jul-15 18:50:54

I really do sympathies what a terrible situation. You can only do what feels right for you and know that whatever the outcome you did your best.

Much love and a big hug from me.

Take care and god blesssmile

Littlepig66 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:56:52

Thank you harrigran and sally345 for your kind words and advice. I think we will be keeping our distance and unfortunately when it comes to my son and future childrens lives they will be nothing more than distant relatives which is sad, but not my fault as the relationship is too toxic to continue in any other form. All trust is gone, and i wouldnt even know how to begin to trust them again, and as you have all said, this woman's mind is made up about me, if the last 10 years havent changed anything, i dont see it in the next 10!!

Again ladies thank you all for your advice, its been greatly appreciated.

rosequartz Mon 19-Oct-15 18:27:36

Here's the link to the other thread in the summer, if it helps littlepig66 smile

Hope all goes well and keep smileing

rosequartz Mon 19-Oct-15 18:32:29

and this could help too:
to give you a coping strategy, because imo it would be very sad for your DS never to see them any more.