So confused and Angry

Hmm. I think a fortnight is long for a visit from people you don't like and who do not seem to like you. Not sure how well I'd cope with people who say they can visit my house whenever they like; even my own daughters don't do that (they don't live nearby so visits mean staying over; I'm always delighted to have them stay but they always ask rather than tell; I call that politeness).

I agree with the others who say don't pander to them. If you are too tired to cook a meal after the baby is settled, ask them to go out and get fish and chips or a Chinese for everyone. Assume they will pay unless they are really hard up. Polite visitors would offer to do things like that in my opinion.

I'm the obverse of That Jingle

All very well saying the visit is soon over but one has to recover from visits like that.

lp66 having read your subsequent posts since my earlier one, I wouldn't dream of picking up my grandchild when he is sleeping . In fact who in their right mind disturbs a sleeping baby

I presume you have said "Please don't pick the baby up when he/she is sleeping".

Your only other option, if you don't want to "grin and bear it", is a full-on clash with them and it seems you (wisely) are trying to avoid that.

I definitely don't agree with the put up with it approach suggested by some posters. It is unreasonable for your in laws to ignore what you say about the best time to visit. It certainly smacks of passive aggressive behaviour, but it sounds like neither you or your husband can successfully challenge it.

I would plan what you intend to do when they are visiting to make all of your lives as easy as possible. You probably need to accept now that unless you and your husband will be around for the duration of their visit, to act as tour guide and chauffeur, your in laws will probably not appreciate what effort you do make to make their stay a pleasant one. At some point in the future they may even 'bad mouth' you to you and others about the visit. You can't win, so you just have to gird your loins and get through it as best as you can.

Planning is key. You and your husband need to take as much time off work as you can during the visit so that one of you is at their disposal when possible. Have some ideas ready for suggestions about what they might like to do. When they arrive show them a calendar of the days you are at their disposal, so you are controlling how things will work right from the start. You and your husband need to be on the same page about the visit, especially during the visit when your in laws might challenge things you say.

Do what you can to make to their stay a pleasant one, but aim just to get through it without falling out with your husband. You might all have a great time, but what ever happens you will know you did your best.

Good luck.

You can also get them to babysit so you and your husband can have a night out - or even a few nights out!

I think two weeks is fourteen days too long for visitors who don't like you. If they want to see their son and GC fine and you should be delighted that they do so but cultivate a steely smile or fixed manic grin laugh a lot especially the tinkly sort and you will get through it. Ask them to take the baby to nursery ,book them meals out with DH and ask them to do shopping. I have been there and I feel your pain. I wish I had been wiser when younger .

Well if they're teachers they won't be able to take time off in term time. Sounds horrendous to me. A fortnight is way too long especially at an inconvenient time. I think the OP needs assertiveness training in how to say no- you need to say something positive first - it would be lovely to see you, but it just not possible in term time or some such comment and stick to it.

The OP hasn't actually said how long the visit will be for. Might be just a week, or a few days. I doubt actually if it is a fortnight.

But why would they want to take time off? Surely the less they see of them the better if the relationship is so fraught?

Yes, I agree with suzied - assertiveness training and how to say 'no' firmly, but be pleasant about it, and make sure they listen and understand that you are both saying the same thing.

Your FIL sounds very difficult; you and your DH have to agree on the best way to deal with him together, stick to it and don't fall out over it.

Good luck!

Would they really fly in from another country just to stay for a few days though?

Over to you, Littlepig...

i decided it would hurt my husband too much to cut his parents off, but that we would keep our distance and contact would be low
For example they asked to have a bbq so friends and family could see the baby, ii told them ofcourse but that due to general routine it would be better for lunch time
When my husband replied that he had to check with me

Do you allow your husband much say? I am beginning to feel very sorry for the poor man, with such a difficult situation between his parents whom he must love and his wife whom he must also love. Then there's the baby - won't be a baby for very long and will pick up on the atmosphere too.

Must he love his parents?

I'm all for assertiveness but TBH anyone who needs to be told that visiting two teachers during term time is just being awkward if they insist on. coming during term time. Sounds to me as if the inlaws are very unpleasant and selfish.

is not convenient...

I should reserve judgement of course, as there are always two sides to every story.

Wilma teachers can't "take time off" it doesn't work like that.
I have missed how far these parents are coming but during term time I think OP just has to go about her business as normal. But how on earth she will cope with marking and preparation at the weekend and in the evenings, I cannot imagine.
I have had to host exchange visit teachers for upwards of a week and being teachers they do understand the score, but even after 10 days I was totally exhausted, work was piling up and I was often close to tears.
And they were friends!!!

I quite agree thatbags. I think these people are being quite unreasonable and downright rude really. I'd reiterate that visits in term time are off limits. That leaves plenty of other time for them to come. If they're not happy? - Tough. No one needs parents in law like that. I'd hate to be that sort of Gran and I suspect most of us here wouldn't behave in the way you say they do.

I agree, Alea, and as for 'have some evenings out with your DH'...

Sorry. Forgot the other country bit.

LP66, I am on your side. I was fortunate I had wonderful in laws but I did have friends who dreaded the arrival of one set of parents for reasons very like yours. It is really difficult to deal with passive aggression that works quietly to undermine your life while acting aggrieved when you try and be reasonable.

Do you know why they act as they do? There are some people who will always put you in a lose;lose situation. No matter what you do, you are always in the wrong. You PiL sound like that.

What can you do? Are they computer literate? Could you skype them regularly and then put your foot down firmly about when they come and stay, knowing that they are having regular visual and verbal contact with you and their grandchildren.

As I suspect you are going to be in the wrong whatever you do. Give them the dates convenient for you. Refuse point blank to let them visit at any other time, be polite (between gritted teeth) when they are with you and just accept that whatever you do you will be in the wrong.

Alea I am well aware that many teachers can't take time off, but we don't know what teaching roles the OP and her husband have, what kind of schools they teach at, or how much time there is between now and the visit. It might be possible to arrange something and all I was suggesting was they take off what time they can.

The OP needs to let off steam and practical advice, so unless the couple are willing to create a rift then they have to get through the visit.

That said, if their flights are not booked yet, I would still try to stop the visit happening during term time. If this is the case, and I thought I wouldn't be able to handle a phone call, I would send a carefully worded email explaining the situation again and saying their dates are not possible and suggesting that you talk about other dates outside term time. This will give the inlaws time to think about their reply.

Wilma they are teachers and you don't get leave of absence except on very serious compassionate grounds and even that is discretionary, so I simply do not see where you are coming from.
I too would say a simple and firm No to an extended visit in term time. By all means have them stay elsewhere during the week and come to OP at the weekend, what on earth are the in-laws going to do all day anyway?
If OP Us part time it might be harder to be firm, but they have to put up a united front, delighted (fingers crossed behind the back) to see them at half term for a week or a fortnight in the holidays. End of.

If they insist on coming you must be quite clear that your priorities are your baby and your work. You must be run off your feet dealing with both as it is. They will just have to fit round it and if dinner ends up being beans on toast so be it.

When we lived 300 miles from my parents they visited once a year and, although it was lovely to see them, a week was quite enough. If we went to stay with them I was ready to come home after a week. Visitors are exhausting however much you like them.